Nothing Else Matters Part 2
Part 1
Part 2
The first thing Dean Winchester realized when he woke up was that he felt calm. There was no restlessness, panic, urgency that he had woken up to, for the past… hell, for as long as he could remember. He had never slept this peacefully.
The second thing Dean realized was that he was alone. He knew Castiel had crawled into his bed last night and held him. And he had fuckin’ enjoyed it! Not that he had ever denied ever having attraction for men. And Castiel, tho’ not Dean’s type, was sexy enough… but “Dean Winchester don’t do cuddling” had been his motto ever since he was old enough to get laid. Especially when there was no sex involved. And comfort cuddling… who was he, Sammy? Well... it was good thing he was gone.
He waited a minute or two, letting his body settle, then slowly dragged himself to the edge of the bed, towards his waiting wheelchair. He was somewhere mid-air between the two, when heard someone outside his door and the door slowly pushed open. His mind shut down and instincts took over as he twisted around to retrieve the gun he usually kept in his night stand. The odd angle, coupled with the fact that he abso-fucking-lutely had no control over his legs, made him lose his balance and he crumpled into a heap on the floor, barely a step from his wheelchair, as a pair of bare feet, extending upwards into a faded blackish pair of sweatpants, entered the room. He lay still, cursing under his breath, and raised his head only when he heard a faint plop.
He looked up to see Castiel standing by the door, carrying a tray, his eyes wide in horror. “Oh, shit!” then Castiel moved forward, placing the breakfast tray on the bed and strong hands under Dean’s armpits, raising him to his wheelchair. He was almost in the seat when Dean’s mind kicked back in gear. He looked into the bright blue eyes staring into his soul - something that made him feel happy and uneasy at the same time - and hissed, “Get back! I don’t need your fucking help.”
“Fine!” Cas hissed back and let go, letting Dean fall back on the floor. Dean didn’t know whether to be shocked or glad, either way he couldn’t meet Cas’ gaze. Instead he concentrated in getting back into his chair.
By the time he had finally settled in his chair, Cas was sitting down on his bed casually munching on a generously buttered toast. There was a pot of fresh coffee on the tray along with two mugs. The guy sure had been busy.
“Toast?” Cas offered, dismissively waving at the food.
Dean opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. Nope, he had nothing. He opened it again, but closed it back. Nope, still nothing.
“You know… you kinda look like a goldfish,” Cas smiled, bringing Dean out of his stupor.
“What’s this?” he asked incredulously. Cas tilted back and squinted at him. Dean realized it was the same the expression from yesterday. And it was very cute and made Dean think of…
“Toast,” Cas answered braking into his thoughts. “You know, when bread is heated till it becomes brown and crisp.” He was staring at Dean like he was idiot.
“No… not that!” Dean glared. “This,” he waved his hands frantically between them. “What are you still doing here?”
Dean realized that hadn’t come out right because Cas visibly cringed. “Hadn’t thought you’d be the kind of man who would kick someone out after sleeping with them,” he joked half-heartedly.
“No! That’s not…”
“Don’t bother,” Cas sighed, standing up and raising his hands defensively. “I’ll let myself out. I hope you don’t mind the simple breakfast. It’s all I could fix up with the stuff you had in the house. I was thinking about going shopping but…” he said striding out, “thanks for putting me up last night.”
“Wait… Cas,” Dean finally got his brain and his tongue on the same wavelength. “Cas… stop,” he said following him. “Just wait.”
Cas stopped and turned, his face blank, his knapsack already on his shoulder. “What?”
“That…” Dean waved his hand in general direction of his bedroom. “That didn’t come out right. What I meant…” he rubbed the back of his neck. “What I meant was… uh… I thought…uh… I didn’t expect you to still be here.”
“Oh!” The bag dropped on the ground with a faint thud. “Well… you were sleeping so peacefully… and after last night… and I was hungry and… I don’t really have anywhere to go… and you did say I could stay as long as I wanted… so… I figured…”
“Cas, you’re not making sense,” Dean said sternly. Cas fell silent. Dean opened his mouth to speak but something nagged at the back of his mind. “What do you mean you don’t really have anywhere to go? I thought you were going to Vegas.”
Cas looked like a deer caught in the headlines. Or more specifically a man caught in a lie. He nervously ran his hand though his hair making them stick up in all directions. “Well… about that… it’s kind of a long story,” he smiled sadly.
---
“You have to understand,” Castiel said, nervously raking a hand through his head, making his hair stick out in all directions, “I am not comfortable doing this.” The way he had been scraping at his hair for the past 15 minutes, it was a miracle he hadn’t managed to pull them out.
“Yeah,” Dean scoffed, “you and me both, buddy.” Cas tilted his head back and looked at him. Gosh he had to stop doing that! “What? Talking is Sammy’s department. I’m of the ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ variety.”
Cas smiled. “You’re preaching to the choir,” he interjected.
“But…” Dean pressed on. “I really think of you as a friend. And I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t at least try to help. And I never rush blindly into a situation without minutely dissecting it first. So I need to know what I’ve got to work with.”
Cas exhaled deeply. “Well…” he paused and scratched his nails against his scalp once more.
“Seriously dude, I thought we already covered that part,” Dean protested impatiently.
Cas glared at him and Dean promptly shut up. Cas turned his attention back to the breakfast tray he had retrieved from Dean’s bedroom, picked up a toast, broke a piece with his fingers and popped it in his mouth. He mumbled something, his mouth still full.
“What?” Dean asked a hand behind his ear.
Cas sighed. “There were three of us,” he repeated a bit loudly, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. “Nick was 15, I was 7 and Claire was 2 or 3, I guess, when our parents died, and we were pushed into the system.” Here he paused, waiting for the old memories to settle down so he could proceed. There was a reason he didn’t talk about it. “It was hard… the first year. I mean… our lives weren’t exactly peaches and cream before, y’know, but afterwards… Nick tried really hard, y’see, keeping us together. But there’s only so much a 15 year old, on mercy of total strangers, can do,” he paused and absently sipped at his now-cold coffee and shuddered. “Then Claire was adopted. Well, at least I pray she was adopted… she just went missing one night. But no worries,” his voice bitter, angry, “children go missing from the system all the time,” he spat, his gaze bearing down on the poor wall.
Dean finished his coffee and quietly placed the mug on the table. Cas was still gripping his half-empty long-forgotten mug like a vice. Dean silently reached forward and removed it from his hands. Cas’ eyes briefly flashed to Dean’s and widened slightly, as if he’d just realised he wasn’t alone. Then he let the cup go. Dean gently placed the cup beside his, and waited for Cas to continue.
Cas took a deep breath. “After that it was just us two… and Nick became more determined than ever to keep us together. It started small at first… sucking the foster-people off so I could get an extra ration of food… stealing wallets so I didn’t have to ask foster-people for keep money… I was good at studies, the teachers used to like me… So Nick insisted I keep on studying, he would take care of everything. At first I was blissfully ignorant. Nicky would take of everything, because he always did,” he paused and looked at Dean, his eyes ghosting with wetness. Dean’s hand unconsciously found his and held.
“I was 10 when he was arrested for the first time. Prostitution… theft... a bunch of other minor charges. He got out by agreeing to bend over for the vice cop,” the grip on Dean’s hand tightened. “I was scared. I didn’t want any of it. I knew he was doing it for me and God I hated myself. I just wanted Nicky to be safe, home, with me. But he convinced me otherwise. He always said, ‘you are the good son, Jimmy. I am doing this because I believe in you. I know you’ll do good and make me proud. And when your ship comes in, we’ll leave all this shit behind and never ever look back.’ And help me god, I believed him. I did everything I could to help, y’know. Straight-A grades, sports captain, debate champion. The perfect all-round student… Figured if Nick was taking one for the team…” his voice broke away.
“I don’t how or when… maybe on one of his inside stints, I guess, but he got mixed up with the local Mob. Took up the name Lucifer - ‘after the angel who fell’ - started carrying a gun, dealing and shooting up, rising among the ranks so fast... I was scared… I really was. But Nick was always there… ‘For you, Jimmy,’ he would say ‘It’s worth it,’ and the fucker was such a sweet talker, I would actually believe him. Dream that we really would be happy together,” Cas smiled ruefully. “Then one day he showed up outside my foster home with a horribly patched gunshot wound… totally sloshed. This time when he yet again told me to keep studying, he said ‘when your ship comes in, leave all this shit behind and never ever look back.’ Not we’ll leave… just leave. He made me promise. I never said anything, never called him out on it… I guess deep down we both knew Nick was never gonna get out… not alive at least.”
“But that wasn’t all he was. My brother… he had heart of gold. He started working with good shelters and churches, helping kids who genuinely showed promise. When he realized his baby brother was a queer pansy - tho’ woe befall anyone who said that to his face - he issued orders to his people that all fag kids had to be protected. You should have seen the look on Father Greg’s face when he dragged a young tranny streetwalker into the church one night and paid her to sleep on the pews,” Cas laughed softly letting the long suppressed memory surface. “Maybe that’s why people respected him. He had morals and rules - never hurt the innocent… never took from the poor… helped anyone who deserved it… he was like this mini version of Michael Corleone,” Cas looked at Dean and smiled sadly. “You would’ve really liked him… most people did. They called him the ‘Devil with a Heart of Gold.”
“I was 16 when he handed me a 9mm, but…” Cas smiled fondly at the memory “he threatened me within an inch of my life if I ever used it. Not that I needed to. People feared him. Everyone on the streets knew Lucifer Novak’s brother was off limits and people didn’t generally cross him, especially those who valued their guts. If anything, I think most prayed that I would end up on the other side of the tracks,” he huffed a laugh. “Wonder what they’d say now?”
Cas exhaled and pressed on. “Then he started disappearing… days at a time. ‘For your safety,’ he would say. There was this guy… Gordon. Led the gang down south… always trying to wheedle in on our territory... break out gang wars. Sadist bastard… had no rules, no morals... preferred to attack the weakness’s first. And everyone knew if there was anyone that Lucifer Novak would bend over for, it was me. So Nick mostly kept away.”
“Not that it ever affected us. Whenever he turned up at my foster home shot and wounded I looked after him… sometimes, a couple of his buddies too. I really liked Meg, Nicky’s girl... she was like a big sister to me, looked out for me when Nick wasn’t around. I, on other hand, would take her to the clinic when she couldn’t handle her drugs or came on his wrong side... I guess that’s why I decided I wanted to be a doctor. When I got my acceptance letter to Chicago U., pre med, full ride, Nick had free booze for the entire ‘hood. When I graduated, class valedictorian, top honours, I don’t think anyone was more proud in that hall that day. He came to me… eyes bloodshot… looked like he’d been crying. He was wearing a goddamn suit… said he was trying to clean up. He wanted to be respectable… didn’t want to people to say ‘Dr. Novak’s brother is a small time gangster’. He told me he was going away for a few days to take care of some things. That was the last time I saw him.”
“A few weeks later, I was walking home from one of my classes when I was attacked by some of Gordon’s men. For the first time in my life, I used that bloody thing. My first kill. I’d never been that terrified before… I rushed to Meg, the only one who could possibly find Nick, but even she had no idea where he was. I guess, I knew then and there that Nick was never gonna come back home again. Then came the news that Lucifer Novak, the notorious ‘Devil with a Heart of Gold, had been found in a garbage dump just outside of Pontiac. They even had funeral for him. He was buried in the suit he wore for my graduation. Meg OD’d that night. She was buried beside him. Two days later, Gordon’s headless corpse turned up in the town reservoir.”
“I joined the army to get as far away from all that as I could. After that, the army became my home. I lived my life one mission at a time. It’s easy to throw yourself into work when you have nothing else to live for. Figured I was making a difference. I guess that’s also why I joined the trackers. I thought about all the people who were waiting for soldiers back home - wives, husbands, kids, families… I thought about Claire and Nick and how if I found to a way to get these people back to their families, maybe karma would reunite me with my family again,” He scoffed a dry laugh. “Pretty stupid, eh?”
He looked at intently at Dean, waiting for him to say something. Dean swallowed dryly. This story had hit closer to home than he’d realized. If Bobby and Ellen hadn’t been there after dad died, this was how he and Sammy would have ended up. Sammy… scared, alone waiting for his big brother to come back home while he… he unconsciously squeezed the hand he held and looked at Cas and shook his head. “No…” he replied softly. “Not stupid at all.” He smiled. “And when the army fired you, you had no place to go,” he stated filling up the remaining piece. “How long have you been wandering like this?” he asked.
[Continued...]