Nothing Else Matters Part 5 contd
Their third date came rather unexpectedly, didn't turn out like anything they'd expected and was probably one of the best nights of Dean's life.
It happened about 10 days after they confessed their feelings towards each other. It had been just another, quiet night at the bar where Dean was playing something, and Cas had taken over Carmen's shift because she was too far along to move between people carrying loaded plates or glasses, but it still hadn't stopped her from coming to the bar and gossiping with Ellen and Jo.
Just as Dean got down from the stage, he was hounded by a couple of "Dean Girls", as Jo liked to call them, and found to chagrin that they were students in "Cas' School of Personal Boundaries" because they absolutely refused to budge away from him. He turned to look around, hoping to catch Cas' eye, because he had found out only a couple of days ago, that Cas made a great bodyguard, thanks to a very public altercation involving a girl named Mackenzie, that would have ended badly for everyone involved, if Dean hadn't rushed in and pulled him down in a kiss setting matters straight once and for all. He couldn't find Cas or Jo, but he did see Carmen holding on to the counter with one hand, clutching at her stomach with the other.
A sudden dread shot through him as he thought of the last time he had seen someone looking like that. His instincts kicked in, as he all but pushed those girls aside and found himself wheeling towards her, yelling for Cas at the top of his lungs. Thankfully, Ellen reached her before either of them could, took one look at her and the mess of blood and plasma at her feet, proclaimed the place was closed before ushering her and Ash and Jo out, leaving Dean and Cas to close up for the night.
They took their own sweet time, shooing out last of the customers and clearing everything up, gorging on the leftovers in the huge kitchen, that made Cas' eyes shine like a kid in a free-for-all candy store, before loading the large industrial dishwashers and finally locking the place up. It was only after Dean had climbed into driver's seat, that it hit him.
"That…" he said, looking strangely at the dark place behind them "that was our third date."
"Yes, I'm well aware," Cas replied, grinning cockily, eyes already darkening with lust. "Are you planning to stay here all night? Coz I got me a giant bed back home," he flicked a thumb behind shoulder "that hasn't seen action in a very long time."
"Oh God, Cas," Dean groaned as his eyes followed Cas' hand hovering over his crotch.
"C'mon, Major. You gonna make a guy wait?" Cas asked seductively licking his lips. Dean groaned again and pulled out.
The ride home was a blur at best. Dean parked in the garage, and Cas jumped down, literally yanking the keys away from him and opening the house door, and tearing off his shirt, before Dean was even on the flat ground. As soon Dean slammed the car door behind him, Cas appeared again, wearing only his jeans, unceremoniously plucked Dean off his wheelchair and carried him inside the house, directly into their - previously Cas' - bedroom before dumping him on the bed and slipping out of his pants and underwear. Then he helped Dean out of his clothes - which really consisted of ripping his shirt open and throwing it away like a dirty rag, then yanking off his jeans and boxers, which Dean had helpfully unbuttoned, and chucking them away as well - before collapsing on top of him. And finally finally found his lips.
The kiss they shared was nothing like any other they'd ever shared. There had been quite a few intense kisses in the past, but this one was insanely, searingly hot. Tongue and teeth clacked over each other, as both fought for what they believed, they knew, was rightfully theirs. At some point, Dean may have even tasted the blood, but he didn't care. He whimpered when Cas pulled the tongue out of his mouth and started sucking on his earlobe, licking a straight cold line to his jaw. He held onto Cas, finger nails digging into his back, as Cas sucked at his throat, bit at the pulse point in his neck, hips bucking up meet Cas' thrusts as Cas whispered sweet nothings in his ear.
He shut his eyes, as he felt Cas' hand move towards his erection, eagerly waiting for the first touch. Then Cas murmured, "Oh God, Major. You're so hot right now. I'm gonna take care of you, Major. I'm gonna take real good care of you…"
And just like that his mind shut-off. He was back on the rack, strapped naked, Alistair, Yellow Eyes and bunch of other guys leering at him, Gabe lying in the corner bloodied, bruised, as Alistair reached his cold bony fingers towards him taunting "Gonna take care of you, major. Gonna take ree-yal good care of you." Then his mother cradling baby Sammy singing "Hey Jude", whispering "angels are watching over you", lying in the hospital bed as he hugged her for the last time, waiting for that blinding pain, the involuntary screams that he couldn't control no matter how hard he tried… He acted on pure instinct. His hands were free, made stronger by testosterone and pure adrenaline rushing through his veins. He reached forward and pushed with all his might, yelling "Get off me. Get off me you sick fuck. Get off me."
He reached his hand over his head and grabbed at something soft and fluffy. He didn't care what it was. Right now, it was the only thing protecting him. He started moving away from his attacker, using his hands for support. He had no legs. They had taken away his legs so he couldn't escape. But he would. Even if the angels had given up on him… he wouldn't let Alistair win. He kept repeating the mantra over and over as he toppled off the side off the bed and started moving towards the darkest corner he could find, barely registering that he wasn't in the cage, he was in his house, safe. He squeezed himself in the small space between the dresser and his wardrobe, pressing the pillow tightly to his crotch, and took large gulps of air to calm down his heart.
Once the brain fog cleared, he took in his surroundings. It wasn't the cage, it was his bedroom. The man standing before him, naked and with severely a mortified look on his face, wasn't Alistair, it was Cas, the man he loved. There was wet, dark line on the carpet, from the side of the bed right to his ass, and he realised he was sitting in some sticky and warm… Pee! He was sitting in his own pee. He looked down at the pillow, not daring to look at the man he had hurt so badly, tears forming silently as Alistair's cruel words ringed in his ears, "You'll never rid of me, Dean. We are too alike you and me. Don't fight it, major, accept it. Wherever you are, whenever you are, I'll always be with you."
And Dean had fought it. Again and again, with everything he had. But he had lost. Alistair had finally won. Even five years later, even thousands of miles away, even in the arms of that one person he felt the safest with, Alistair had found him. Found him and taken away his haven. Alistair was right. He wasn't strong enough. If he couldn't protect himself, how the hell would he protect those he loved? He sat there staring at his pillow, as if it would offer him some answers… something… anything.
Then Cas moved, fast… swift… with perfect precision of a seasoned soldier. He was down on his knees and lifting Dean up, pillow and all, and moving towards bathroom, not caring that he was naked with half an erection or the man he was carrying his arms was leaking all over him. All he knew was he had to get Dean clean, warm, safe. He never wanted to see Dean like this ever again.
He almost kicked the bathroom door open and set him down in the tub, before turning on the lights. Dean was still holding onto his pillow, staring at it in a near catatonic state. He crouched down beside the tub, and gently pried it from his hands, they fell away without complaint, and threw it towards the open door. He would take care of it later. Right now, Dean needed him. He turned on the shower to hot, and held it over Dean's waist, then moving towards his legs, letting the water wash away the excrement. It was only when he reached back to his stomach and started moving upwards that Dean reached forward and stopped his hand. He looked up to find Dean looking at him, a blank, lost expression on his face. "What are you doing here, Cas?" he asked.
"Washing you," Cas replied trying his dammest to lighten the mood, even though he knew it wasn't possible. He had always maintained that "a good sense of humour dissipates all problems." Nicky had taught him that. He forced himself to smile, for Dean's sake, even though all he wanted to do was hold him and never let him go. "Unless you are into kinky stuff," he added.
Dean lips turned up a little at that, but his eyes still had the same haunted expression. "What are you doing here, Cas?" he asked again. "Here, with me?" he added.
Cas knew this question was coming ever since Dean had first asked him "why are you still here?" and he had been praying that it never came. What could he say was the real reason he was here? The real reason, he had been travelling for the past two years. He had wanted to tell it to Dean on the first day, but he never had the courage. He didn't have courage now, either. He had offered another answer then. He offered another one now. "Because I love you," he replied, hoping it would be sufficient.
"Why?" Dean asked a little louder, the grip on his arm tightening. "Why do you love me? Me? What have I to offer you… an angel… so beautiful… I'm just a broken shell of a man. Why are you staying with me, Cas?"
"Because I want to," Cas replied his voice calm, strong. He had never had to justify why he loved someone, and with Dean, he didn't want to. He didn't want to tell the truth. Not now, not like this. "Because I love you. More than anything. Because you are kind and warm and generous and the best thing that has ever happened to me in my lonely sad pathetic little life."
"Best, huh?" Dean glared at him, his eyes blazing, voice on the verge of explosion. "You call this best? This...this...this thing we have... you really think it's the best thing that happened to you? What do you know about me? You have barely known me for month. I'll tell you how best," he spat the word. "I am. I am cranky… no! Scratch that. I'm a fuckin' dormant volcano waiting to blow up. I'm paranoid and depressed and suicidal. I'm an alcoholic and I drink till I can't fuckin' feel anything. I scream myself hoarse every night AND WAKE UP WITH MY BED SHEETS COVERED IN SWEAT AND PEE BECAUSE," he gestured angrily at his legs, "I'M NOT EQUIPPED TO RUN TO THE BATHROOM IN TIME. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO AWAKE UP TO EVERYDAY?"
"Well, we could always change the sheets," Cas replied, trying to lighten the mood and calm him down.
But Dean just kept going. "You think if you look past the wheelchair, you're going to see rainbows and candycanes? NO! I AM AS BROKEN ON THE INSIDE AS I'M ON THE OUTSIDE!"
"Dean…" Cas found his voice. "Dean… please just…"
"I can't Cas…" he said dejectedly, his voice suddenly falling to a whisper. "I am lost and I am tired. I can't fight anymore. Please Cas… please… have mercy on me. Just go away. Find someone who'll make you happy. Give you everything I can't. You deserve it. But please... just… just let me be..."
"NO!" Cas replied, his voice even, unwavering. "No, I won't leave you alone. And No, I won't go away. I am here because I want to be here. Because I've always wanted to be here. With you."
"Cas…" Dean started, but Cas held up his hand and silenced him.
He stood up, shut off the water, replaced the hand shower, and sat on the edge of the tub, rubbing his face. "Let me get it out. I may not be able to work up the courage again," he replied. He took a deep breath. "When you first asked me why I was here, I didn't exactly tell you truth. Or rather, I told only half the truth."
"Cas?" Dean murmured and Cas looked to curiosity… confusion… conflict in his face.
He swallowed dryly. "It's true I didn't have any place to be. But it wasn't that I didn't have any place to go. I had a definite destination. I was looking for someone," he said not breaking the eye contact. "I was looking... for you. I was looking for you because I was in love with you."
"But you didn't even know me," Dean interjected.
"Not really. Only on paper. When I got you out, you kept calling me angel. An Angel, Major, that's what you called me. I was there when they cleaned you up and administered basic first-aid. You held onto me with all your strength… bloodied, bruised and dying and you were holding onto me, like I was the only thing keeping you alive. I had never had anyone who had held me like that… made me feel so important… wanted… not since Nicky. And then you smiled, it was sudden, unexpected, like you were thinking about some joke only we shared. And I… couldn't tear my eyes away from you. All I wanted to do was keep you safe, make sure you never suffered like that ever again. When they lifted you and shipped you back here, I couldn't control the pang of regret that I may have lost the only good thing that had ever happened to me."
"I sought you out. When I returned to US, six months after we found you, I went to the hospital. I saw you… bandages, stitches… you looked like Frankenstein's Monster." Dean huffed a laugh. "But you weren't alone. You were cradling a baby, cooing to it, and a tired-looking blonde woman was looking at you like you meant the world to her. Dee and Jess," he clarified "And I thought what any normal person would think. Your wife and kid. So I just left."
He looked back at Dean, and found another expression on his face. Recognition. "The hobo," he said. "You're the hobo with freakish blue eyes, aren't you? The one who left me that amulet."
"Genesius of Rome," Cas admitted. "Patron saint of comedians and…" he said placing a hand on his chest "torture victims." He smiled sadly. "Sad, isn't it? How those two are related?"
"And when I was discharged, I had no place to go. And all I could think about was you. How you had held on to me and called me angel. I figured… even if you were straight, and married… maybe just being around you, being your friend… I could have everything I'd lost…" he swiped a hand across his eyes wiping away the tears before they began to form. "And when Sam told me you were bi- I guess I got a little greedy. Saw my chance and had to take it. That night we had that fight about the phone, I thought I would lose you all over again."
"You are my everything, Major. I can't even think of a life without you. How could I ever think about leaving you?" he said softly on the verge of tears.
Dean moved forward and pulled him close. "Cas," he said softly. "It won't be easy. You saw what happened today. I can't promise it won't happen again. I love you, I trust you but what happened there… it's gonna stay with me forever."
"Maybe," Cas replied slowly pulling back, and cupping his cheek. "But we'll get through it. We'll defeat him together. I'll be with you all the way, as long as it takes. I waited four years, I don't mind waiting a few more. I'd rather burn in hell with you, than find heaven without you."
Dean smiled and pulled him closed. "Is that line from some cheesy Julia Roberts movie?"
"Na… I made it up all by myself," Cas retorted. "Now move over. I smell like someone peed on me."
Dean shifted a little and let Cas share the tub with him. That was the day he realised he was completely, utterly and madly in love with this blue-eyed angel.
[To be Continued]