(no subject)
i know i wrote all my big "oh look, its 2005" feelings already, but here's more. i feel it is incomplete because i wrote things that couldn't be argued or bullshitted. i need to contradict myself.
gosh, this year is nearly over. oh the memories, the moments, the laughter, the tears. the full range of human emotion expressed or repressed and let to still inside.
just further and farther. nothing really changing or becoming. ending or repeating. love you and you and you. still hate you. most people fell out of my life at some point and then some other people came into it. ive got a friend that is as gay as i am so we compare sweaters and shoes and share hairstyling tips. met a girl with a voice and some pink hair and a guitar but we'll end the year without the dream being fully realized. some people dont pick up phones, some have been reconnected, the rest deserve attention.
when people say they're meant to be together, does that mean that if they were born on seperate sides of the world, or country, state, city, town, they'd somehow converge at some point in life to prove that meaning true? is it possible for connections to traverse through mountains and forests, through steel and glass, and to pull so hard like magnets that two people are brought together through no conscious choice or their own? this would mean that we have no real choices and that this, most probably amongst other things, is predetermined and the choices we think we make are simply commands we've been programmed to carry out.
its far more admirable to admit that you're not meant to be, but that you can put you ego and facade aside and lie naked in front of someone and be accepted for everything you are, with faults and perfections, crooked teeth and smooth skin. to make that choice and to stick with it through terrible times and really enjoy and fall in love with the tiny moments that are heaven, to slam down telephones and walk home crying, to slicing your wrists and shattering glass, to hold on through it all - by choice - is amazing.
to my friends from 2004 and before, i do love you. i cherish the laughter, the support, the good times, the friendships. its a sad thing sometimes that most of the people from years before are invisible, but i've caught on to the dramatic highschool act and cannot deal with the ridiculousness a lot of the people that used to come around brought with them.
for this one, and for another, and for previous ones, you've been there, smiling, staring at me when im not looking. holding onto me when youre dreaming, being there when im everywhere. i love you.
i'm not a killer.
this is love.