(no subject)
This is something I wrote awhile ago and haven't wanted to post it for many, many reasons the most of which that I was just too scared to. But talking to people lately, thinking about things has changed my mind and I decided to post it now.
I am not locking this post. I think that would defeat the purpose of it in the first place.
I don’t believe in myself. I never have and it will be a very long time before I ever do. I don’t think that I am worthy of anything…love, affection, time, money, attention…it doesn’t matter what it is I never think I am worthy of it. Because I don’t think I am worth anything when people tell me otherwise I can’t believe it…its not that I don’t want to because it would be nice to be able to believe it when someone tells me I am good at something or that I am a nice person to be around. It makes me uncomfortable when people complement me because if I agree with them I feel overly arrogant and that I am lying.
I am a compulsive liar. It’s so much easier for me not to tell the truth, to hide away in some false reality of my own creation so people can’t see the truth behind who I really I am. If I don’t like who I am, do not think I am worthy of the people I care about’s affection then how could I let them see the real me? Sometimes I am not sure I even know who that person is. I want to. I want to be able be the person that I am meant to be without all the lies hiding me away. I want to I just don’t know how to start.
I should just start…that’s what people say and perhaps that’s why I am writing this. To get out everything that has been sitting within for so long. I am very good at whining and ranting about how the world is out to get me and how hard life is but I never really examine the reasons behind it all do I? I ramble on and on about injustices and never stop to ask myself how I can go about changing them. Instead of wishing I wasn’t, didn’t have to or couldn’t I should be thinking of the things I am, I did and I can.
Its funny how meeting people make you see that…see things about yourself that they aren’t even aware of but bring to light just because of who they are. It’s because of them that I want to trust people…but how can you trust them when you can’t even trust yourself.
There are only a handful of people in this world I would ever want to truly allow myself to trust and hope they trust me in return. People who make me want to be the person I am supposed to be without all the bullshit I surround myself to pull me down with. And out of that handful of people only two will ever be important enough to really make me try. And that is not to say I love any of the others any less…but it’s not the same and will never be the same.
Lethy…she makes me want to cut out the bullshit in my life just so I can be someone she trusts. I want to believe it when she tells me I am good at something…she makes me want to draw and write when I find it so hard to because I have this thing where I am so scared to succeed at anything. I set myself up to fail, especially with something I love so much like art and writing. But Lethy makes me want to get past all that because she really does like what I do and she won’t give up on me because I am an idiot who just won’t accept it when people tell me I am actually good at something. She is so talented herself, smart and intelligent (which are two different things as far as I am concerned) and that she thinks what I do is worth something means a great deal to me. I want to believe her…I want her to believe me when I say the same to her. I want to be the type of friend that she can talk to and not worry about being dragged down in someone else’s crap. She makes me want to be me…and as corny and sappy as that sounds I actually want to be that person. I want Leth to be able to trust me. I think I want that the most.
Mari…Mari scares me sometimes with how much she says she loves me. I’ve never been able to accept it, feel it or believe no matter how many times she says it. I often wonder if it is because I can’t see her but I can hear it…when I speak to her on the phone and I wonder…”Why me? Why does she sound like this to a person who is just not worth it?” I wonder if she wonders if I know how much she loves me, if I believe it at all. I hope she never asks me because I don’t think she will like the answer. I want to be able to open myself up to her…like I want to be completely honest with Leth, I want to be completely honest with her. I want to be able to love her like she deserves…believe in her as much as she believes in me…and know that when she does say she believes in me she means it. Words don’t mean anything unless you can believe them. Mari makes me want to get back that fire I once had, the lust for living that got drowned underneath so much apathy.
I don’t want to be a person who whines about everything, stresses about things because she can’t trust in the people that keep telling her everything is going to be okay. I am moving soon, over east to live with Leth and I keep thinking about how much of a burden I am going to be on her. How I will probably never find a good enough job and she will want to travel and do things and will be there, left behind and wishing things were different. That and the fact I just can’t grow up…emotionally I mean. I should get past these things or at least attempt to. Instead I just cling to useless mantras of how much the world hates and how much my parents ruined my life.
The truth of the matter is that I am only the product of my own choices and feelings and beliefs. Until I start stepping out and stepping up nothing is ever going to change. I want it to. I think that is the main thing to note is that I want to. I want to be a good friend…the best friend I can be to everyone I can. I want to be someone people can turn to, can trust and believe in.
I want to believe in myself. I want to trust in my own abilities and understand that my faults are not the only things that define me.
I’ve been so angry for so long…consumed by some kind of bitter rage at the things that happened to me as a child. I don’t remember half of them past some awareness that it happened and that it hurt me…made me so angry I have never been able to let it go. But I don’t want that to be everything anymore…can I truly grow as a person if that’s all I think about? Woe is me? There are people in the world so much more hurt, have pain greater than anything I have experienced and have pushed past it and moved on to become people who shine…not only for others but for themselves as well.
I’ve told myself over and over I want to change but the words have always been so empty, meaningless in face of my inability to believe that I actually can. I’m not going to say it anymore…make useless empty promises to the people around me and myself. That is a waste of time and breath (and fingers since I type a lot more than I speak these days) and gets me nowhere.
I am not locking this post. I think that would defeat the purpose of it in the first place.
I don’t believe in myself. I never have and it will be a very long time before I ever do. I don’t think that I am worthy of anything…love, affection, time, money, attention…it doesn’t matter what it is I never think I am worthy of it. Because I don’t think I am worth anything when people tell me otherwise I can’t believe it…its not that I don’t want to because it would be nice to be able to believe it when someone tells me I am good at something or that I am a nice person to be around. It makes me uncomfortable when people complement me because if I agree with them I feel overly arrogant and that I am lying.
I am a compulsive liar. It’s so much easier for me not to tell the truth, to hide away in some false reality of my own creation so people can’t see the truth behind who I really I am. If I don’t like who I am, do not think I am worthy of the people I care about’s affection then how could I let them see the real me? Sometimes I am not sure I even know who that person is. I want to. I want to be able be the person that I am meant to be without all the lies hiding me away. I want to I just don’t know how to start.
I should just start…that’s what people say and perhaps that’s why I am writing this. To get out everything that has been sitting within for so long. I am very good at whining and ranting about how the world is out to get me and how hard life is but I never really examine the reasons behind it all do I? I ramble on and on about injustices and never stop to ask myself how I can go about changing them. Instead of wishing I wasn’t, didn’t have to or couldn’t I should be thinking of the things I am, I did and I can.
Its funny how meeting people make you see that…see things about yourself that they aren’t even aware of but bring to light just because of who they are. It’s because of them that I want to trust people…but how can you trust them when you can’t even trust yourself.
There are only a handful of people in this world I would ever want to truly allow myself to trust and hope they trust me in return. People who make me want to be the person I am supposed to be without all the bullshit I surround myself to pull me down with. And out of that handful of people only two will ever be important enough to really make me try. And that is not to say I love any of the others any less…but it’s not the same and will never be the same.
Lethy…she makes me want to cut out the bullshit in my life just so I can be someone she trusts. I want to believe it when she tells me I am good at something…she makes me want to draw and write when I find it so hard to because I have this thing where I am so scared to succeed at anything. I set myself up to fail, especially with something I love so much like art and writing. But Lethy makes me want to get past all that because she really does like what I do and she won’t give up on me because I am an idiot who just won’t accept it when people tell me I am actually good at something. She is so talented herself, smart and intelligent (which are two different things as far as I am concerned) and that she thinks what I do is worth something means a great deal to me. I want to believe her…I want her to believe me when I say the same to her. I want to be the type of friend that she can talk to and not worry about being dragged down in someone else’s crap. She makes me want to be me…and as corny and sappy as that sounds I actually want to be that person. I want Leth to be able to trust me. I think I want that the most.
Mari…Mari scares me sometimes with how much she says she loves me. I’ve never been able to accept it, feel it or believe no matter how many times she says it. I often wonder if it is because I can’t see her but I can hear it…when I speak to her on the phone and I wonder…”Why me? Why does she sound like this to a person who is just not worth it?” I wonder if she wonders if I know how much she loves me, if I believe it at all. I hope she never asks me because I don’t think she will like the answer. I want to be able to open myself up to her…like I want to be completely honest with Leth, I want to be completely honest with her. I want to be able to love her like she deserves…believe in her as much as she believes in me…and know that when she does say she believes in me she means it. Words don’t mean anything unless you can believe them. Mari makes me want to get back that fire I once had, the lust for living that got drowned underneath so much apathy.
I don’t want to be a person who whines about everything, stresses about things because she can’t trust in the people that keep telling her everything is going to be okay. I am moving soon, over east to live with Leth and I keep thinking about how much of a burden I am going to be on her. How I will probably never find a good enough job and she will want to travel and do things and will be there, left behind and wishing things were different. That and the fact I just can’t grow up…emotionally I mean. I should get past these things or at least attempt to. Instead I just cling to useless mantras of how much the world hates and how much my parents ruined my life.
The truth of the matter is that I am only the product of my own choices and feelings and beliefs. Until I start stepping out and stepping up nothing is ever going to change. I want it to. I think that is the main thing to note is that I want to. I want to be a good friend…the best friend I can be to everyone I can. I want to be someone people can turn to, can trust and believe in.
I want to believe in myself. I want to trust in my own abilities and understand that my faults are not the only things that define me.
I’ve been so angry for so long…consumed by some kind of bitter rage at the things that happened to me as a child. I don’t remember half of them past some awareness that it happened and that it hurt me…made me so angry I have never been able to let it go. But I don’t want that to be everything anymore…can I truly grow as a person if that’s all I think about? Woe is me? There are people in the world so much more hurt, have pain greater than anything I have experienced and have pushed past it and moved on to become people who shine…not only for others but for themselves as well.
I’ve told myself over and over I want to change but the words have always been so empty, meaningless in face of my inability to believe that I actually can. I’m not going to say it anymore…make useless empty promises to the people around me and myself. That is a waste of time and breath (and fingers since I type a lot more than I speak these days) and gets me nowhere.