FIC: Assassination 4/10
First of all, I wanna give a big HELL FUCKING YEAH! for the return of Lost tomorrow night! Finally... Kate/Sawyer deliciousness!
Also, I'll be getting internet installed in my house this week, finally so I won't have to ignore the internet so much anymore, since I have to come to the library for their limited bullshit access, surrounded mostly by undesirable freaks... YAY!
This chapter goes out to PushyPants Liz. ;-P
Previous chapters are here: 1 - 2 - 3
Enjoy!
The Assassination of Brian Kinney By the Model James Ford
The Assassination of Brian Kinney By the Model James Ford
By Violet Jones
Chapter 4
“You don’t have to spend the night with me just because I flew in from England. If you wanna see Brian, I get it. We can end it all here, fair and square. No hard feelings. Or we can pick up where we left off later. You decide.”
On top of all the surprising turns of events the evening had provided, James’ seemingly genuine understanding of the situation was to Justin, perhaps the most baffling occurrence of all.
Truthfully, a huge part of him did want to spend the night with Brian. Justin couldn’t remember ever spending a night not wanting Brian in some way or another, since the moment they’d met. It was something as natural to Justin as breathing.
On the other hand, Justin would feel guilty on a couple different levels, if he were to take that route. Even if James did understand, it was still really shitty to make plans with someone to the point where they abandoned work and flew across an ocean to be with you for two nights, only to kick them to the curb at the last minute so you could run off and have sex with your ex. Justin figured that was pretty much unforgivable.
Aside from that there was the fact that getting involved with Brian again was a really bad idea. He could talk to Brian, sure. He could even hang out with him a bit. But he shouldn’t get anywhere near a bed while around Brian. Sex would only complicate a situation that really didn’t need any more complicating. Justin couldn’t throw away all the concerns he had about his once again non-relationship with Brian and just fuck him. It would only make him despair for another fucking year, and ruin any chances he had of moving on.
Then again, Brian had randomly flown in from Pittsburgh to surprise him, leading Justin to realize that this was the only place outside of Pittsburgh that they’d ever been together, which made him sad, and then pissed him off when he really thought about it.
‘But what could Brian want?’
The man never did anything without some sort of agenda behind it. He hadn’t come to New York out of the goodness of his heart in order to support Justin and apologize for a minor tiff on the phone. He also hadn’t come to New York for business. Not only was it too coincidental, but Justin also knew how to tell when Brian was bullshitting. He’d probably set up a couple of random lunches after he’d made the plane reservation to somehow justify his actions and ease his fucked up conscience.
Justin was officially worried.
But at the moment the more pressing issue was that of having two guys on his hands who’d just flown into town to see him specifically. What the fuck was that about? What was he supposed to do? And how was he supposed to have sex with James when he knew that Brian was sleeping only blocks away, probably next to some hot New York boy?
‘Fuck it,’ Justin thought. ‘I don’t owe him anything.’
“That’s unusually noble of you,” he said aloud to James, “but that’s not going to happen.”
Justin smiled, draping his arms over James’ shoulders.
“Really?” James said. “So you’re saying that Sunday night, as soon as my cab to JFK pulls away from the curb, you’re pretty little ass won’t be hustling its way across the City blocks to Brian’s bedside?”
“No, not at all. Which has nothing to do with you, it just wouldn’t be good for me.”
“Sorry Kid, but I think you’re foolin’ yourself.”
“Look,” Justin said, disentangling himself from the man and walking towards the kitchen… well, kitchenette really, “I don’t need a fucking lecture about Brian from you, or anyone. I know him, and I know me, and I know what needs to be done, so just drop it.”
Justin spent the rest of the night with James feeling like a big fat fucking liar. He wasn’t sure if the man had noticed or not, but he probably had.
When Justin awoke the next morning he realized that he was dreading the day completely. He’d told Debbie that he’d call in the morning so that they could all have brunch before she and Emmett flew back to Pittsburgh that afternoon. He wasn’t sure if Brian was invited or not, but assumed that he would be, and didn’t quite know what to do about James. It wasn’t like they were in a relationship or anything, but it had quickly become the same sort of non-relationship Justin had had with Brian once upon a time, except with less feelings and more dates. They weren’t in love, but they were having a lot of fun. Fun that Justin realized he’d been needing for a long time.
If Brian spent anytime whatsoever around Justin and James, he’d definitely assume the worst, and then Justin was liable never to hear from Brian ever again. He’d go ballistic, but not let anyone see it, and probably spontaneously combust.
‘But you don’t want him back,’ Justin told himself. ‘What does it matter to you?’
This whole set of circumstances was becoming a huge headache for Justin, and he didn’t fucking appreciate it.
“Maybe I should change my return reservation for tonight instead of tomorrow,” James said from his side of the bed, interrupting Justin’s thoughts.
Justin realized that while he’d been thinking himself the only one awake, he had in fact been scrutinized intensely for some time by the somewhat annoyingly astute Mr. Ford.
“Why the fuck would you do that? London is like a half a day away, and you were just there yesterday.”
“And what a difference a day makes, wouldn’t ya say?”
‘That fucking cocky little smirk,’ Justin thought. Sometimes it could really get under his skin.
“Don’t be an asshole about this, please! What happened to your attitude from last night? And what makes you think I’ve changed my mind about anything?”
“Call it a hunch, Goldilocks,” he shrugged, still smirking.
“Ugh!” Justin grumbled. “One day I’m gonna pour a fucking vat of black dye on my head so people will stop giving me shit about my goddamn hair!”
“Jesus Christ, I was only kiddin’ you, calm the fuck down. If it means so much to you, I’ll leave tomorrow night as scheduled.”
“Good, now shut up and blow me.”
Justin wanted to keep the seriously pissed off glare on his face and he managed to for about half a second, when James gave him an exaggeratedly astonished open-mouthed look, and Justin busted up, before being tackled across the bed.
***** ~ *****
Brian didn’t really want to go to brunch, so much as he felt like he had to. He knew that the hunky, smooth talking prick that Justin just couldn’t fucking stop smiling at all the time, would be there with bells on. He could sense the challenge emanating from the other man naturally, and knew that he couldn’t not rise to the occasion.
‘Who the fuck does he think he is anyway?’ Brian thought.
He tried to relax, and tell himself what Deb was trying to reinforce in him. That Justin still loved him… always had, always would. That’s how it went right? If it felt that way for Brian, which he knew it did now that he’d had so much time to think about it, it had to have felt the same for Justin. In so many ways, they were each other’s firsts. How did that just stop?
Deeply abhorring his continuous, never-fucking-ending confusion over Justin; half admonishing himself, half pumping himself up, Brian strolled down a busy sidewalk making his way to the restaurant Deb had told him to meet them at.
The thing Brian hated most about being around the blatant attempt to forget him that was Justin’s new relationship, wasn’t the well-fucked aura radiating from their side of the table, nor the sting of jealousy he felt having to sit back and watch such a train wreck. It was the ease with which Justin acted around this blond, imposter Brian. He looked so… comfortable. And Brian didn’t know why that was the clincher, and why it hurt so bad, he just knew he was working overly hard to hide his grimace, which was having the odd side-effect of Brian barely saying a word throughout the entire meal. Not even Emmett’s most obvious set-ups could tickle Brian’s patented sarcastic bone.
James, however, seemed to be filling in Brian’s blanks just fine.
In fact, by the end of the whole ordeal, Brian was sure that ‘this James’ was fucking with him hard and enjoying it. Brian had to chuckle arrogantly to himself. There was after all, nothing he enjoyed more than proving himself to a worthy opponent… well, with one obvious exception.
The hour spent at the small café wasn’t all pure torment for Brian, however. He’d caught Justin looking at him more than once. And even when he wasn’t glancing discreetly in his direction, Brian could sense an overall forcefulness to Justin’s ‘My life is peachy’ bullshit, even if no one else did. It was definitely as Brian had suspected; Justin wasn’t over him, but as usual, only pretending to be.
Which didn’t mean things were going to be easy for him. Not in the least. This time, he realized, he might just have to put up a real fight.
On the way out, Justin took Brian aside, while James hung back making plans with Deb and Emmett for the remaining hours before they had to report to the airport.
“So, do you still want to go out with me tonight? I mean… to dinner, or something… to catch up?” Justin inquired clumsily.
Brian couldn’t help the grin that escaped. “You decide. I’ll be here a couple more nights. I have a meeting on Monday.”
“Oh?” Justin said sharply, with raised eyebrows.
“Yeah,” Brian said, snickering internally at Justin’s discomfiture.
“Well, that’s cool. I mean, do you have any plans tonight?”
“Not yet.”
“Then we should do something. I’ll take you to a good hole in the wall restaurant and we can get wasted like we did that time we found that Mongolian place when we got lost in non-gay PA.”
“Okay,” Brian replied.
“Okay? Good. Is eight okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you at your hotel,” Justin said, adding quickly, “in the lobby.”
“I’ll try to look hot by then.”
Justin’s smile got unintentionally bigger, and Brian took note of the deep blush that spread up Justin’s neck, over his cheeks.
‘Yeah,’ Brian thought, smirking, ‘I’m still in there.’
Dinner that night turned out to be thankfully James-free, and Brian had breathed a quiet sigh of relief, even though he’d figured Justin would have enough tact not to invite the other man along. In fact Justin hadn’t mentioned James once during the entire meal and even though they had done some basic catching up, they’d ended up mostly reminiscing.
At one point, Brian made the mistake of bringing up one of their hottest sexual encounters, and Justin had promptly and inexplicably changed the subject. Of course Brian had tried to resurrect the topic, seeing as sex had been their favorite pastime and they’d done it so well together. A flustered Justin simply wouldn’t let it be discussed, and it was precisely at that moment Brian realized how acutely he missed Justin with all of his being.
The fact that they couldn’t even talk about sex, let alone have it, shook Brian to the very core, and cut him to the quick for good measure. He’d wanted to reach out to Justin, to touch him and kiss him as he had the night before when Justin had been too overwhelmed to quell his emotional responses. But he’d known that to do so would be a misstep, that Justin might’ve in fact run away, as he was prone to do in sticky situations.
The mood had shifted after Brian’s slip-up, thickening the tension that had been building since they’d first laid eyes on one another again.
Once they’d reached the sidewalk outside and begun walking back in the direction of Justin’s neighborhood, James’ name had finally come up. Justin informed Brian that he was on his way to meet James at a new club and that Brian was welcome to join them. Brian had declined in as polite a manner as was possible for him and Justin had made another hasty apology about not being able to spend time with him.
“James did fly all the way from London. And he’s leaving tomorrow afternoon, so I just think it would be shitty, since I’m the reason he came.”
Brian knew the explanation was a rational one, but it still stung like hell.
‘It’s not my fucking fault my plane ride was shorter,’ Brian thought. And then Justin’s voice kept circling around his head, echoing, ‘You’re welcome to join us.’
After the emptiness and loneliness Brian had suffered immediately following Justin’s departure from Pittsburgh a year ago, he never thought it could get worse. And now he knew.
‘This idea,’ he thought, lounging on his King-sized hotel room bed, ‘was a really fucking bad one, Kinney.’
***** ~ *****
Justin was not merely acting happy. He really was trying to enjoy himself.
‘And what’s not to enjoy?’ he thought. ‘Saturday night at the hot new gay bar with my hot non-boyfriend… the hottest guy there, hands down… Sunday morning in bed with said hot non-boyfriend…’ He was living every gay man’s dream, wasn’t he?
‘Brian,’ his mind kept repeating. ‘Brian, Brian, fucking Brian.’
Justin honestly did not know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, but wants weren’t always best suited for the wanter. He didn’t want to want Brian anymore.
Despite Justin’s resolve to wait for Brian to come to him, now that he’d finally made that gesture, Justin wasn’t sure he could accept.
Maybe that whole thing about it sometimes being impossible to be with the person you love no matter what your heart’s desire was true. Maybe practicality was more important than emotion sometimes.
Justin had a life of his own here in New York, completely independent of anyone else, and that felt really good most of the time. He’d needed to learn that feeling and maybe he didn’t want to give it up, even for Brian.
This had nothing to do with James.
Justin just wanted to be Justin. When he was with Brian he didn’t feel that way. He felt like a version of himself… an edited version, cut for Kinney-appropriate content. He couldn’t live like that again. He wasn’t a child.
“Hungry, Tiger?” James said, entering the room.
They’d spent the night at his place and lazed the morning away. James would be leaving for the airport in a few hours’ time.
“Tiger?” Justin rebutted skeptically.
“It just came to me. Sometimes I gotta scrape the barrel, what can I say?”
Justin laughed in spite of himself.
“I am kinda starving,” he admitted.
“Order us up somethin’ good while I work on gettin’ clean.”
Justin rose reluctantly from the folds of the plush, down comforter, pulling on his underwear before proceeding to the kitchen and its menu drawer.
He waited for James to emerge from the shower, before taking one himself.
Later that afternoon, when James’ cab finally pulled away from the curb, Justin stood roadside feeling guilty.
He wasn’t sure what he felt guiltier for… wanting and waiting for James to leave, or wishing that Brian wasn’t in town.
He walked to the subway trying to clear his head of all thoughts, period. Of course that didn’t work, because you couldn’t not think about something. He willed his mind to focus on anything else… Like his art! He could think about his art. He hadn’t even checked to see if his name had been mentioned in any publications yet. He’d spoken to a few critics at the show who’d seemed to like his stuff. Still, there were quite a few other artists showing in the exhibition, all far better known than he was.
Sidetracking his mind managed to work just fine throughout the subway ride, and the subsequent walk to his apartment building.
However, upon entering his tiny one-bedroom, he immediately headed for the bed and collapsed onto it, wishing it would engulf him, as his feelings crashed down around him.
He tried to force sleep to come, so maybe he could spend the rest of Brian’s time in New York ensconced in unconsciousness, keeping Brian far far away from him… every square foot of all four blocks away. Or was it five?
His phone rang.
He’d have known who it was even if he hadn’t designated a separate ring-tone especially.
He sighed audibly and closed his eyes as he fished the phone out of his pocket, pressing the ‘On’ button as he brought it to his ear.
Without preamble, he said, “Come over.”
***** ***** ***** *****
Also, I'll be getting internet installed in my house this week, finally so I won't have to ignore the internet so much anymore, since I have to come to the library for their limited bullshit access, surrounded mostly by undesirable freaks... YAY!
This chapter goes out to PushyPants Liz. ;-P
Previous chapters are here: 1 - 2 - 3
Enjoy!
The Assassination of Brian Kinney By the Model James Ford
The Assassination of Brian Kinney By the Model James Ford
By Violet Jones
Chapter 4
“You don’t have to spend the night with me just because I flew in from England. If you wanna see Brian, I get it. We can end it all here, fair and square. No hard feelings. Or we can pick up where we left off later. You decide.”
On top of all the surprising turns of events the evening had provided, James’ seemingly genuine understanding of the situation was to Justin, perhaps the most baffling occurrence of all.
Truthfully, a huge part of him did want to spend the night with Brian. Justin couldn’t remember ever spending a night not wanting Brian in some way or another, since the moment they’d met. It was something as natural to Justin as breathing.
On the other hand, Justin would feel guilty on a couple different levels, if he were to take that route. Even if James did understand, it was still really shitty to make plans with someone to the point where they abandoned work and flew across an ocean to be with you for two nights, only to kick them to the curb at the last minute so you could run off and have sex with your ex. Justin figured that was pretty much unforgivable.
Aside from that there was the fact that getting involved with Brian again was a really bad idea. He could talk to Brian, sure. He could even hang out with him a bit. But he shouldn’t get anywhere near a bed while around Brian. Sex would only complicate a situation that really didn’t need any more complicating. Justin couldn’t throw away all the concerns he had about his once again non-relationship with Brian and just fuck him. It would only make him despair for another fucking year, and ruin any chances he had of moving on.
Then again, Brian had randomly flown in from Pittsburgh to surprise him, leading Justin to realize that this was the only place outside of Pittsburgh that they’d ever been together, which made him sad, and then pissed him off when he really thought about it.
‘But what could Brian want?’
The man never did anything without some sort of agenda behind it. He hadn’t come to New York out of the goodness of his heart in order to support Justin and apologize for a minor tiff on the phone. He also hadn’t come to New York for business. Not only was it too coincidental, but Justin also knew how to tell when Brian was bullshitting. He’d probably set up a couple of random lunches after he’d made the plane reservation to somehow justify his actions and ease his fucked up conscience.
Justin was officially worried.
But at the moment the more pressing issue was that of having two guys on his hands who’d just flown into town to see him specifically. What the fuck was that about? What was he supposed to do? And how was he supposed to have sex with James when he knew that Brian was sleeping only blocks away, probably next to some hot New York boy?
‘Fuck it,’ Justin thought. ‘I don’t owe him anything.’
“That’s unusually noble of you,” he said aloud to James, “but that’s not going to happen.”
Justin smiled, draping his arms over James’ shoulders.
“Really?” James said. “So you’re saying that Sunday night, as soon as my cab to JFK pulls away from the curb, you’re pretty little ass won’t be hustling its way across the City blocks to Brian’s bedside?”
“No, not at all. Which has nothing to do with you, it just wouldn’t be good for me.”
“Sorry Kid, but I think you’re foolin’ yourself.”
“Look,” Justin said, disentangling himself from the man and walking towards the kitchen… well, kitchenette really, “I don’t need a fucking lecture about Brian from you, or anyone. I know him, and I know me, and I know what needs to be done, so just drop it.”
Justin spent the rest of the night with James feeling like a big fat fucking liar. He wasn’t sure if the man had noticed or not, but he probably had.
When Justin awoke the next morning he realized that he was dreading the day completely. He’d told Debbie that he’d call in the morning so that they could all have brunch before she and Emmett flew back to Pittsburgh that afternoon. He wasn’t sure if Brian was invited or not, but assumed that he would be, and didn’t quite know what to do about James. It wasn’t like they were in a relationship or anything, but it had quickly become the same sort of non-relationship Justin had had with Brian once upon a time, except with less feelings and more dates. They weren’t in love, but they were having a lot of fun. Fun that Justin realized he’d been needing for a long time.
If Brian spent anytime whatsoever around Justin and James, he’d definitely assume the worst, and then Justin was liable never to hear from Brian ever again. He’d go ballistic, but not let anyone see it, and probably spontaneously combust.
‘But you don’t want him back,’ Justin told himself. ‘What does it matter to you?’
This whole set of circumstances was becoming a huge headache for Justin, and he didn’t fucking appreciate it.
“Maybe I should change my return reservation for tonight instead of tomorrow,” James said from his side of the bed, interrupting Justin’s thoughts.
Justin realized that while he’d been thinking himself the only one awake, he had in fact been scrutinized intensely for some time by the somewhat annoyingly astute Mr. Ford.
“Why the fuck would you do that? London is like a half a day away, and you were just there yesterday.”
“And what a difference a day makes, wouldn’t ya say?”
‘That fucking cocky little smirk,’ Justin thought. Sometimes it could really get under his skin.
“Don’t be an asshole about this, please! What happened to your attitude from last night? And what makes you think I’ve changed my mind about anything?”
“Call it a hunch, Goldilocks,” he shrugged, still smirking.
“Ugh!” Justin grumbled. “One day I’m gonna pour a fucking vat of black dye on my head so people will stop giving me shit about my goddamn hair!”
“Jesus Christ, I was only kiddin’ you, calm the fuck down. If it means so much to you, I’ll leave tomorrow night as scheduled.”
“Good, now shut up and blow me.”
Justin wanted to keep the seriously pissed off glare on his face and he managed to for about half a second, when James gave him an exaggeratedly astonished open-mouthed look, and Justin busted up, before being tackled across the bed.
***** ~ *****
Brian didn’t really want to go to brunch, so much as he felt like he had to. He knew that the hunky, smooth talking prick that Justin just couldn’t fucking stop smiling at all the time, would be there with bells on. He could sense the challenge emanating from the other man naturally, and knew that he couldn’t not rise to the occasion.
‘Who the fuck does he think he is anyway?’ Brian thought.
He tried to relax, and tell himself what Deb was trying to reinforce in him. That Justin still loved him… always had, always would. That’s how it went right? If it felt that way for Brian, which he knew it did now that he’d had so much time to think about it, it had to have felt the same for Justin. In so many ways, they were each other’s firsts. How did that just stop?
Deeply abhorring his continuous, never-fucking-ending confusion over Justin; half admonishing himself, half pumping himself up, Brian strolled down a busy sidewalk making his way to the restaurant Deb had told him to meet them at.
The thing Brian hated most about being around the blatant attempt to forget him that was Justin’s new relationship, wasn’t the well-fucked aura radiating from their side of the table, nor the sting of jealousy he felt having to sit back and watch such a train wreck. It was the ease with which Justin acted around this blond, imposter Brian. He looked so… comfortable. And Brian didn’t know why that was the clincher, and why it hurt so bad, he just knew he was working overly hard to hide his grimace, which was having the odd side-effect of Brian barely saying a word throughout the entire meal. Not even Emmett’s most obvious set-ups could tickle Brian’s patented sarcastic bone.
James, however, seemed to be filling in Brian’s blanks just fine.
In fact, by the end of the whole ordeal, Brian was sure that ‘this James’ was fucking with him hard and enjoying it. Brian had to chuckle arrogantly to himself. There was after all, nothing he enjoyed more than proving himself to a worthy opponent… well, with one obvious exception.
The hour spent at the small café wasn’t all pure torment for Brian, however. He’d caught Justin looking at him more than once. And even when he wasn’t glancing discreetly in his direction, Brian could sense an overall forcefulness to Justin’s ‘My life is peachy’ bullshit, even if no one else did. It was definitely as Brian had suspected; Justin wasn’t over him, but as usual, only pretending to be.
Which didn’t mean things were going to be easy for him. Not in the least. This time, he realized, he might just have to put up a real fight.
On the way out, Justin took Brian aside, while James hung back making plans with Deb and Emmett for the remaining hours before they had to report to the airport.
“So, do you still want to go out with me tonight? I mean… to dinner, or something… to catch up?” Justin inquired clumsily.
Brian couldn’t help the grin that escaped. “You decide. I’ll be here a couple more nights. I have a meeting on Monday.”
“Oh?” Justin said sharply, with raised eyebrows.
“Yeah,” Brian said, snickering internally at Justin’s discomfiture.
“Well, that’s cool. I mean, do you have any plans tonight?”
“Not yet.”
“Then we should do something. I’ll take you to a good hole in the wall restaurant and we can get wasted like we did that time we found that Mongolian place when we got lost in non-gay PA.”
“Okay,” Brian replied.
“Okay? Good. Is eight okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you at your hotel,” Justin said, adding quickly, “in the lobby.”
“I’ll try to look hot by then.”
Justin’s smile got unintentionally bigger, and Brian took note of the deep blush that spread up Justin’s neck, over his cheeks.
‘Yeah,’ Brian thought, smirking, ‘I’m still in there.’
Dinner that night turned out to be thankfully James-free, and Brian had breathed a quiet sigh of relief, even though he’d figured Justin would have enough tact not to invite the other man along. In fact Justin hadn’t mentioned James once during the entire meal and even though they had done some basic catching up, they’d ended up mostly reminiscing.
At one point, Brian made the mistake of bringing up one of their hottest sexual encounters, and Justin had promptly and inexplicably changed the subject. Of course Brian had tried to resurrect the topic, seeing as sex had been their favorite pastime and they’d done it so well together. A flustered Justin simply wouldn’t let it be discussed, and it was precisely at that moment Brian realized how acutely he missed Justin with all of his being.
The fact that they couldn’t even talk about sex, let alone have it, shook Brian to the very core, and cut him to the quick for good measure. He’d wanted to reach out to Justin, to touch him and kiss him as he had the night before when Justin had been too overwhelmed to quell his emotional responses. But he’d known that to do so would be a misstep, that Justin might’ve in fact run away, as he was prone to do in sticky situations.
The mood had shifted after Brian’s slip-up, thickening the tension that had been building since they’d first laid eyes on one another again.
Once they’d reached the sidewalk outside and begun walking back in the direction of Justin’s neighborhood, James’ name had finally come up. Justin informed Brian that he was on his way to meet James at a new club and that Brian was welcome to join them. Brian had declined in as polite a manner as was possible for him and Justin had made another hasty apology about not being able to spend time with him.
“James did fly all the way from London. And he’s leaving tomorrow afternoon, so I just think it would be shitty, since I’m the reason he came.”
Brian knew the explanation was a rational one, but it still stung like hell.
‘It’s not my fucking fault my plane ride was shorter,’ Brian thought. And then Justin’s voice kept circling around his head, echoing, ‘You’re welcome to join us.’
After the emptiness and loneliness Brian had suffered immediately following Justin’s departure from Pittsburgh a year ago, he never thought it could get worse. And now he knew.
‘This idea,’ he thought, lounging on his King-sized hotel room bed, ‘was a really fucking bad one, Kinney.’
***** ~ *****
Justin was not merely acting happy. He really was trying to enjoy himself.
‘And what’s not to enjoy?’ he thought. ‘Saturday night at the hot new gay bar with my hot non-boyfriend… the hottest guy there, hands down… Sunday morning in bed with said hot non-boyfriend…’ He was living every gay man’s dream, wasn’t he?
‘Brian,’ his mind kept repeating. ‘Brian, Brian, fucking Brian.’
Justin honestly did not know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, but wants weren’t always best suited for the wanter. He didn’t want to want Brian anymore.
Despite Justin’s resolve to wait for Brian to come to him, now that he’d finally made that gesture, Justin wasn’t sure he could accept.
Maybe that whole thing about it sometimes being impossible to be with the person you love no matter what your heart’s desire was true. Maybe practicality was more important than emotion sometimes.
Justin had a life of his own here in New York, completely independent of anyone else, and that felt really good most of the time. He’d needed to learn that feeling and maybe he didn’t want to give it up, even for Brian.
This had nothing to do with James.
Justin just wanted to be Justin. When he was with Brian he didn’t feel that way. He felt like a version of himself… an edited version, cut for Kinney-appropriate content. He couldn’t live like that again. He wasn’t a child.
“Hungry, Tiger?” James said, entering the room.
They’d spent the night at his place and lazed the morning away. James would be leaving for the airport in a few hours’ time.
“Tiger?” Justin rebutted skeptically.
“It just came to me. Sometimes I gotta scrape the barrel, what can I say?”
Justin laughed in spite of himself.
“I am kinda starving,” he admitted.
“Order us up somethin’ good while I work on gettin’ clean.”
Justin rose reluctantly from the folds of the plush, down comforter, pulling on his underwear before proceeding to the kitchen and its menu drawer.
He waited for James to emerge from the shower, before taking one himself.
Later that afternoon, when James’ cab finally pulled away from the curb, Justin stood roadside feeling guilty.
He wasn’t sure what he felt guiltier for… wanting and waiting for James to leave, or wishing that Brian wasn’t in town.
He walked to the subway trying to clear his head of all thoughts, period. Of course that didn’t work, because you couldn’t not think about something. He willed his mind to focus on anything else… Like his art! He could think about his art. He hadn’t even checked to see if his name had been mentioned in any publications yet. He’d spoken to a few critics at the show who’d seemed to like his stuff. Still, there were quite a few other artists showing in the exhibition, all far better known than he was.
Sidetracking his mind managed to work just fine throughout the subway ride, and the subsequent walk to his apartment building.
However, upon entering his tiny one-bedroom, he immediately headed for the bed and collapsed onto it, wishing it would engulf him, as his feelings crashed down around him.
He tried to force sleep to come, so maybe he could spend the rest of Brian’s time in New York ensconced in unconsciousness, keeping Brian far far away from him… every square foot of all four blocks away. Or was it five?
His phone rang.
He’d have known who it was even if he hadn’t designated a separate ring-tone especially.
He sighed audibly and closed his eyes as he fished the phone out of his pocket, pressing the ‘On’ button as he brought it to his ear.
Without preamble, he said, “Come over.”
***** ***** ***** *****