The Fairest Of Them All 1/4
Title: The Fairest Of Them All
Progress: 1/?
Rating: PG-13 ~ NC-17 (later chapters)
Pairings: Onew/Key (main), one-sided Minho/Key, one-sided Jonghyun/Key
A/N: Just to keep my writer’s block at bay and just be a stress-reliever. :] It’s completely crack-tastic, set to take long long long ago but with modern twists and it’s just weird ok. xD A CHAPTERED FIC ZOMG!
Summary: Minho wants to marry the Princess. Only the Princess is actually a Prince. And no one seems to notice, or care, much to Key’s distress. Jinki, however, the two-bit assistant of Prince Minho, sees the true Key. Will Jonghyun ever get Key to wear heels?
--
Long long long ago in a distant land that was a lot closer than people were led to believe, lived a Princess. I mean Prince. Prince Key was the fairest of them all, with looks that were unrivaled and a feisty personality to match. People traveled from far and wide to get a glimpse at this gracious ruler, to be in his regal presence and of course to try and marry him off to their sons.
“I’M A MAN!!”
Key screamed at the top of his lungs, stomping out of his bed chamber with a corset that was half-laced on his torso, fluffy knickers adorning his shapely legs. He turned around and pointed an elegant finger at his personal assistant, Jonghyun, who merely blinked stupidly before puttering after Key.
“But Key, you’re so pretty, and you know that Prince Minho from Dreamteamia has his eye on you,” Jonghyun insisted, trying to dance around Key to get at the strings that were only half done.
“I AM NOT A GIRL!” Key whipped around and flailed, smacking Jonghyun’s hands away from the corset. “STOP DRESSING ME LIKE ONE!”
Jonghyun pouted that adorable puppy pout, and Key’s resolve lasted for about .8 seconds before he slumped and trudged back into his bed chamber.
“All right fine whatever, I just can’t be late for this meeting,” Key resigned to his fate of being dolled up by an overzealous Jonghyun, but refused to let the man touch his face with make-up.
This was how most of Princess - I mean Prince - Key’s mornings went, with Jonghyun insisting that he was so pretty and beautiful and all of these other girly things, Key too tired after five years of trying to tell Jonghyun he was indeed a boy to resist anything for longer than ten minutes. Besides, he had been late to so many meetings it was starting to make his reputation as the responsible ruler look bad and that just totally wasn’t cool ok.
Finally stuffed into the suffocating corset, a fluffy pink dress was on his frame, many tiers of material falling from his hips as he slipped into a pair of flats (he REFUSED to wear heels) and picked up some of the skirt to make sure he wouldn’t trip on it as he walked. The corset did nothing, he was too skinny to have cleavage, and even a corset couldn’t help him.
And really you’d think that SOMEONE would notice Key’s short hair and lack of breasts and the fact that when he wasn’t attending some sort of social gathering he was wearing relaxed shorts that showed off his manly leg hair and loose t-shirts. But apparently he ruled over a Kingdom of idiots and that made it so much more depressing for the young man.
He entered the Grand Hall in a flourish, and Jonghyun was close after him, pulling out the head chair and then standing at his right side as Key bowed to the other diplomatic attendees. Key then sat carefully, and God he always hated how the corset managed to cut off the circulation to his heart and his spleen at the same time.
“I understand there are pressing matters to discuss?” Key said, as he pulled out a pair of glasses and perched them on the bridge of his nose, looking down at the documents in front of him.
His father, Lee Soo Man, cleared his throat from the other side of the table. As soon as Key had turned eighteen he had handed over the Kingdom to his capable son and instead put himself in charge of diplomacy and other such political affairs that had a million names that all basically meant he was an asshole and cheated on his four wives often.
“Well, my lovely daughter-,”
“I AM A MAN.”
“Well Key, it’s about time you get married off and produce heirs.”
Key fumed, “I AM NOT CAPABLE OF GETTING PREGNANT.”
Soo Man continued as if he couldn’t hear Key’s outcries, “That Prince Minho from Dreamteamia is a fine candidate and he has expressed interest in you before. I believe that Coolcatopia could use such a strong ally and the best way to join forces would be through marriage.”
It logically made sense to Key, really. Dreamteamia was an astounding empire comprised of warriors and to be honest Coolcatopia was better known for its pretty faces than its army. Not to say their army sucked but, well… it consisted of women. Only women. An alliance with Dreamteamia would ensure that Coolcatopia would be protected with their unity and it was a strong move on his part.
But ugh that Prince Minho was just about the biggest asshole on the entire planet. Key rolled his eyes as he looked over the documents in front of him, his pen tapping idly on the table as the older men around him all chattered about what a fantastic idea it would be for Key to be married off to Minho.
Gritting his teeth, Key glanced up at his father and shrieked. “YOU CHANGED MY DIAPERS AS A BABY, STOP THINKING I’M A GIRL!”
Soo Man waved a hand, “I never changed your diapers the maids did.”
Key whimpered and sniffled as he signed a document, “I want my mommy.”
His father gave a slightly piteous glance towards his daughter - er, son - and sighed. “I wish she could be with us here today, Key. It’s a shame that she met her untimely death during her vacation.”
Key rolled his eyes again. Untimely death, vacation, right. She was on a safari in the middle of nowhere and a chupacabra attacked her caravan.
“Look dad, I’m not going to marry Prince Minho,” Key said flatly as he signed another document and handed it to Jonghyun, who carried it over to the ‘complete’ box.
“Now honey I know you’re a tough gal and you have morals but Prince Minho is nothing but a gentleman.”
Key huffed and read over another document. “He’s insufferable and an asshole, and for the last time I am not a girl!”
Soo Man stood up and rounded the table and kissed Key on the head, “I knew you’d understand, you’re such a perfect, charming ruler. Oh and you should really think about growing your hair out, darling, you look too much like a lesbian with that short cut.”
His father exited the room and Key let out a frustrated howl, shredding up the document he was holding in his hands with his teeth.
--
Meanwhile, in Dreamteamia…
“Prince, I have the morning pa-sdflkjsdf!”
Minho glanced up from the coffee he was sipping and watched as his personal assistant, Jinki, fell face-first into the rug at his feet. The Prince moved his legs and took the newspaper from Jinki’s twitching hand and flicked it open, reading over the latest news.
“Any word from Coolcatopia?” he asked, and Jinki quickly scrambled up to stand straight and salute.
“No, sire, no word yet.” Jinki bit his lip nervously and wrung his hands together. “Is it true that you wish to marry the Prince?”
Minho scoffed, “I’m not gay, Jinki. I’m after the Princess.” He smirked against the rim of his coffee cup, his eyes glittering. “She’s a real prize.”
Jinki blinked. “There is no Princess in Coolcatopia.”
The Prince merely ignored his assistant and stood up with a regal flair, Jinki shrinking back because of the intense sudden brightness that seemed to emanate from the Prince as he smiled and his eyes caught on fire.
“She will be mine and the alliance between Dreamteamia and Coolcatopia will be cemented in history as the best diplomatic move, ever!”
Jinki blinked again. “You mean Prince Key?”
“Yes, she’s a beauty isn’t she?” Minho strolled over to the French doors that lead outside and pushed them open dramatically, letting in the sunlight as he strode out to lean wistfully on the balcony railing. “She’s a tough catch but I’ll make her mine.”
Jinki scratched at his cheek and picked up the paper; he flipped to the gossip columns and there was a picture of Prince Key, smiling and bright and waving to the paparazzi camera that had followed him to a store. Jinki studied the photo, noting the short hair do, the t-shirt, the shorts and the tennis shoes and WOAH DAMN was it possible to have that much leg hair!?
Putting the paper down, Jinki grabbed Minho’s coffee and walked over to the taller man and sure enough as soon as he reached Minho’s side the Prince reached out to take it and sip from it thoughtfully.
”We’d make beautiful children, yes?”
“Er, yeah, if you could make children?”
Minho whipped around, eyes flashing. “Are you saying she’s not fertile?!”
Jinki shrank back, “No, that’s not what I meant-,”
“Oh ok, as long as she’s fertile.”
Sighing heavily, Jinki let it go. Day in and day out he tried to convince his sire that the Princess was indeed a Prince and that the only way to unite the two Kingdoms would be through a gay marriage, which wasn’t looked down upon really, but nobody acknowledged the fact that Key was indeed male.
Jinki looked over at the newspaper sitting on the side table and caught sight of Key’s brilliant smile, and then gave a small one of his own. Key really was beautiful, especially when he wasn’t dressed up as a girl.
“Jinki!”
Even though he wasn’t moving, Jinki still fell over in shock, but quickly stood up, rubbing his face as he turned to face his sire.
“Yes, sire?”
“We leave for Coolcatopia at dawn, I shall propose to the Princess in person!”
“… Mother fucker.”
--
“KIM JONGHYUN IF YOU COME NEAR ME WITH THOSE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GOING TO USE THEM TO GAUGE YOUR EYES OUT AND MAKE TABLE DECORATIONS!”
Key was crouched on top of his highest dresser, kicking out with one of his feet to try and get Jonghyun away from him. His assistant was holding a pair of red heels and had been spending the better part of the afternoon trying to coax Key into wearing them, saying it would boost his height and make his ass look great. But Key had fled and instantly got in the highest place he could find, since Jonghyun was freaking short.
“But Your Highness, Prince Minho of Dreamteamia will be arriving any moment!”
Key froze mid-kick and shot a paranoid glance to his door. “Are you fucking kidding me.”
“No, Your Highness, now get your ass down from there.” Jonghyun reached out and grabbed Key’s ankle and yanked the Prince off of the dresser, the Prince falling to the floor in an ungraceful heap before he shot up and shoved at Jonghyun, picking up the heels and tossing them off of the balcony.
“I’m not fucking wearing those embarrassing abominations that are meant FOR WOMEN!”
Jonghyun gave a pout that reminded Key of a kicked puppy, so Key actually kicked Jonghyun in the shin, much more satisfied with that yelp and facial expression. Key was wearing his royal robes (ones that were actually designed for men), the white and gold reflecting in the sunlight as he moved down the vast corridors of his castle, headed to the main gate. He wasn’t going to get dolled up for that asshole of a Prince, not for all the money in the world or maybe even unlimited shopping sprees to his favorite stores and ok maybe Key had a few feminine qualities but he was NOT a girl.
(but for his own peace of mind he kept his Bedazzler™ hidden in a shoe box in the farthest depths of his closet)
He heard trumpets sound and new that was the signal of Prince Minho’s carriage arriving, and he quickened his pace as he flew out of the Main Hall and out onto the castle grounds, his feet barely touching the steps as he moved down them and stood at the bottom, collecting himself and fixing his hair a bit and steadying his breath so it didn’t look like he was eager or anything.
And oh yeah, he was eager.
But not for the same reason Prince Minho was ego, for sure.
The horses reared and neighed and they were beautiful, decked out in a shiny armor that looked light but effective, chrome and catching the rays of the light that made it almost have a purple tint. The carriage door opened and it wasn’t Minho that stepped out, but it was someone else. And they didn’t step, more like his foot missed the step and he went careening forward, flopping into the dirt and creating a small dust cloud before he quickly righted himself and dusted himself off, flashing Key an awkward smile.
Key’s heart skipped a beat but he ignored it; this man was obviously a yutz and definitely not worthy of the Prince of Coolcatopia’s presence. Turning his nose up a bit, he watched as Minho got out of the carriage, all long legs and arms but looking graceful as ever and it was a shame that the man was such a close-minded prick because damn he was hot.
Minho flashed a smile and opened his arms as he stepped towards Key, but Key merely held his ground and arched a fine-trimmed brow. The other Prince reached out and grabbed Key’s hand, bringing it up to his lips for a kiss but Key snatched it away and snarled.
“That’s not how you greet a Prince you asshole,” Key said. The proper way to greet a Prince was one arm bent in the front, one arm bent in the back, and a ninety-degree bow at the waist.
But Key would never greet Minho like this. He never had and he never would.
“It’s been too long, Key,” Minho said.
“That’s Prince Key to you jerk. And it hasn’t been long enough.” Key said as he turned on his heel and started up the steps, noting that the clumsy man that had first gotten out of the carriage was trailing after them. Could someone that stupid looking really be a Prince’s assistant?
Jonghyun greeted them at the top of the steps with a bow and a lopsided grin and Key rolled his eyes.
Of course imbeciles could be Prince’s assistants.
--
Jinki’s heart was thumping in his chest as he followed after the Princes and he had never seen Key in person before but oh he was so beautiful words just couldn’t describe. The fact that he wasn’t in a dress was just adding to that and Jinki felt his mouth going dry as he watched dat ass swing with each step, and did Key know that he had a sashay with his walk?
Jonghyun ambled alongside Jinki as they walked behind their sires, and Jinki glanced over at the other man. They were about the same age and had actually grown up together until Jinki’s family moved to Dreamteamia but he and Jonghyun stayed connected through letters. Jonghyun offered him a smile and Jinki offered one in return, and the older man couldn’t help but wonder if Jonghyun also thought Key was a girl.
It seemed almost everyone did.
They stopped outside of a large, ornate door and Key turned around, eyeing the two assistants. Jinki shrunk under the gaze but Jonghyun merely picked his nose, obviously used to the scrutiny.
“You two stay out here.”
“Yes ma’am,” Jonghyun mumbled and Key punched him in the arm before disappearing inside of the room, a pleased and greasy looking Minho following behind.
The door shut and Jinki rubbed the back of his head, not quite sure what to do with himself. There were no chairs to sit on and it wasn’t like he was going to leave the area. So he plopped down on the floor and sat Indian style, resting his chin in his hands as he glanced up at Jonghyun, who looked way too antsy.
“Jonghyun,” Jinki said, tugging on the younger man’s pant leg. “Sit. I don’t think they’ll be in there for long.”
Jonghyun sat and looked at the door contemplatively. “Key’s record is three minutes and twenty-eight seconds.”
Jinki smirked. “Minho’s is three minutes and twenty-seven seconds.”
“Who do you think will crack first?”
Jinki shrugged, pulling out a coin. “I’ll bet on my man lasting.”
Jonghyun smiled and pulled out a coin as well. “Key will destroy him.”
They stared at the door for about two minutes, before a loud crash was heard inside and Key’s muffled shouts were heard. A few more breaking objects, another muffled voice, and the door jolted as if something had been forced into it. There was about five seconds of silence before the door opened and Minho came running out of it, dodging the endless amount of ammo that Key was throwing after him.
“YOU PERVERT!”
Crash.
“YOU ASSHOLE!”
Shatter.
“I AM A FUCKING MAN!!”
Minho flew past Jinki and Jinki frowned and gave Jonghyun his coin, before he stood up and caught the next object that went sailing towards the direction of the Prince. Jinki was normally a klutz but when it came to his job, there was none better.
Key came out, obviously confused as to why there wasn’t a loud crash following his attack, and then stared at Jinki, who carefully put the vase on a nearby table.
“Violence won’t solve anything, Prince,” Jinki said with a small smile, and Key looked ready to throw something at him instead, when he suddenly froze and stared blankly at Jinki. Jinki blinked a few times, once again uncomfortable underneath that feline gaze, clearing his throat. “Er… Sire?”
“You…” Key dashed forward and grabbed Jinki’s collar, hauling the man close to him. “You called me Prince.”
Oh God so it really was that bad?
“Er, yeah?”
Key let out a victorious whoop and planted his lips on Jinki’s, a wet sloppy kiss that left the assistant weak in the knees. He tossed Jinki aside, who collapsed onto the floor and saw hearts and stars floating around his head, and pointed his finger at Minho, who was trying and failing miserably to hide behind the short man.
“SEE THAT!? I’M A FUCKING MAN! EVEN YOUR TWO-BIT ASSISTAN KNOWS!”
“Hey, I’m not a two-bit assistant,” Jinki sat up and pouted and Key shot him a glare that made him shut up.
Key folded his arms over his chest and smiled brightly at Minho. “So, Prince, as you can see I’m a man.”
Minho straightened from behind Jonghyun and came towards Key, stopping about a foot away from the shorter man as he arched a brow. His large alien eyes roved over Key’s body and he reached out, grasping Key’s chin between his forefinger and thumb, turning Key’s head from side to side as he examined him, before pulling away with a tsk.
Key swelled with satisfaction, until Minho spoke.
“You should grow out your hair, you look like a lesbian.” He snapped his fingers and Jinki scrambled after him, shooting an apologetic glance at Key, who merely sank to his knees and pulled at his hair.
“MY HAIR IS SHORT BECAUSE I’M A MAN, DAMN IT!!”
“We shall make wedding arrangements in the morning, Princess,” Minho called over his shoulder, turning to toss a wink in Key’s direction.
Jonghyun’s heart skipped a beat.
Key picked up the last vase that was still in tact and hurled it, managing to hit Jinki between the shoulder blades and knock him over and send him down the steps, Minho casually following after and dusting bits of porcelain off of his jacket.
“You’re so lucky to have Prince Minho pining after you,” Jonghyun sighed, cupping his face in both hands as hearts floated in his eyes.
“THEN YOU MARRY HIM!” Key shoved Jonghyun and turned to stalk off in the opposite direction towards the wine cellar. He needed alcohol to deal with this.
“But Your Highness, you can’t leave yet we need to prepare your dress!”
“I’M NOT WEARING A FUCKING DRESS BECAUSE I AM A MAN, GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!”
Across the castle, Soo Man put his pinky in his ear and wiggled it around a bit. “Did you hear anything, Jenkins?”
“No, sire,” his butler drawled, pouring more champagne.
[ Chapter 2]
Progress: 1/?
Rating: PG-13 ~ NC-17 (later chapters)
Pairings: Onew/Key (main), one-sided Minho/Key, one-sided Jonghyun/Key
A/N: Just to keep my writer’s block at bay and just be a stress-reliever. :] It’s completely crack-tastic, set to take long long long ago but with modern twists and it’s just weird ok. xD A CHAPTERED FIC ZOMG!
Summary: Minho wants to marry the Princess. Only the Princess is actually a Prince. And no one seems to notice, or care, much to Key’s distress. Jinki, however, the two-bit assistant of Prince Minho, sees the true Key. Will Jonghyun ever get Key to wear heels?
--
Long long long ago in a distant land that was a lot closer than people were led to believe, lived a Princess. I mean Prince. Prince Key was the fairest of them all, with looks that were unrivaled and a feisty personality to match. People traveled from far and wide to get a glimpse at this gracious ruler, to be in his regal presence and of course to try and marry him off to their sons.
“I’M A MAN!!”
Key screamed at the top of his lungs, stomping out of his bed chamber with a corset that was half-laced on his torso, fluffy knickers adorning his shapely legs. He turned around and pointed an elegant finger at his personal assistant, Jonghyun, who merely blinked stupidly before puttering after Key.
“But Key, you’re so pretty, and you know that Prince Minho from Dreamteamia has his eye on you,” Jonghyun insisted, trying to dance around Key to get at the strings that were only half done.
“I AM NOT A GIRL!” Key whipped around and flailed, smacking Jonghyun’s hands away from the corset. “STOP DRESSING ME LIKE ONE!”
Jonghyun pouted that adorable puppy pout, and Key’s resolve lasted for about .8 seconds before he slumped and trudged back into his bed chamber.
“All right fine whatever, I just can’t be late for this meeting,” Key resigned to his fate of being dolled up by an overzealous Jonghyun, but refused to let the man touch his face with make-up.
This was how most of Princess - I mean Prince - Key’s mornings went, with Jonghyun insisting that he was so pretty and beautiful and all of these other girly things, Key too tired after five years of trying to tell Jonghyun he was indeed a boy to resist anything for longer than ten minutes. Besides, he had been late to so many meetings it was starting to make his reputation as the responsible ruler look bad and that just totally wasn’t cool ok.
Finally stuffed into the suffocating corset, a fluffy pink dress was on his frame, many tiers of material falling from his hips as he slipped into a pair of flats (he REFUSED to wear heels) and picked up some of the skirt to make sure he wouldn’t trip on it as he walked. The corset did nothing, he was too skinny to have cleavage, and even a corset couldn’t help him.
And really you’d think that SOMEONE would notice Key’s short hair and lack of breasts and the fact that when he wasn’t attending some sort of social gathering he was wearing relaxed shorts that showed off his manly leg hair and loose t-shirts. But apparently he ruled over a Kingdom of idiots and that made it so much more depressing for the young man.
He entered the Grand Hall in a flourish, and Jonghyun was close after him, pulling out the head chair and then standing at his right side as Key bowed to the other diplomatic attendees. Key then sat carefully, and God he always hated how the corset managed to cut off the circulation to his heart and his spleen at the same time.
“I understand there are pressing matters to discuss?” Key said, as he pulled out a pair of glasses and perched them on the bridge of his nose, looking down at the documents in front of him.
His father, Lee Soo Man, cleared his throat from the other side of the table. As soon as Key had turned eighteen he had handed over the Kingdom to his capable son and instead put himself in charge of diplomacy and other such political affairs that had a million names that all basically meant he was an asshole and cheated on his four wives often.
“Well, my lovely daughter-,”
“I AM A MAN.”
“Well Key, it’s about time you get married off and produce heirs.”
Key fumed, “I AM NOT CAPABLE OF GETTING PREGNANT.”
Soo Man continued as if he couldn’t hear Key’s outcries, “That Prince Minho from Dreamteamia is a fine candidate and he has expressed interest in you before. I believe that Coolcatopia could use such a strong ally and the best way to join forces would be through marriage.”
It logically made sense to Key, really. Dreamteamia was an astounding empire comprised of warriors and to be honest Coolcatopia was better known for its pretty faces than its army. Not to say their army sucked but, well… it consisted of women. Only women. An alliance with Dreamteamia would ensure that Coolcatopia would be protected with their unity and it was a strong move on his part.
But ugh that Prince Minho was just about the biggest asshole on the entire planet. Key rolled his eyes as he looked over the documents in front of him, his pen tapping idly on the table as the older men around him all chattered about what a fantastic idea it would be for Key to be married off to Minho.
Gritting his teeth, Key glanced up at his father and shrieked. “YOU CHANGED MY DIAPERS AS A BABY, STOP THINKING I’M A GIRL!”
Soo Man waved a hand, “I never changed your diapers the maids did.”
Key whimpered and sniffled as he signed a document, “I want my mommy.”
His father gave a slightly piteous glance towards his daughter - er, son - and sighed. “I wish she could be with us here today, Key. It’s a shame that she met her untimely death during her vacation.”
Key rolled his eyes again. Untimely death, vacation, right. She was on a safari in the middle of nowhere and a chupacabra attacked her caravan.
“Look dad, I’m not going to marry Prince Minho,” Key said flatly as he signed another document and handed it to Jonghyun, who carried it over to the ‘complete’ box.
“Now honey I know you’re a tough gal and you have morals but Prince Minho is nothing but a gentleman.”
Key huffed and read over another document. “He’s insufferable and an asshole, and for the last time I am not a girl!”
Soo Man stood up and rounded the table and kissed Key on the head, “I knew you’d understand, you’re such a perfect, charming ruler. Oh and you should really think about growing your hair out, darling, you look too much like a lesbian with that short cut.”
His father exited the room and Key let out a frustrated howl, shredding up the document he was holding in his hands with his teeth.
--
Meanwhile, in Dreamteamia…
“Prince, I have the morning pa-sdflkjsdf!”
Minho glanced up from the coffee he was sipping and watched as his personal assistant, Jinki, fell face-first into the rug at his feet. The Prince moved his legs and took the newspaper from Jinki’s twitching hand and flicked it open, reading over the latest news.
“Any word from Coolcatopia?” he asked, and Jinki quickly scrambled up to stand straight and salute.
“No, sire, no word yet.” Jinki bit his lip nervously and wrung his hands together. “Is it true that you wish to marry the Prince?”
Minho scoffed, “I’m not gay, Jinki. I’m after the Princess.” He smirked against the rim of his coffee cup, his eyes glittering. “She’s a real prize.”
Jinki blinked. “There is no Princess in Coolcatopia.”
The Prince merely ignored his assistant and stood up with a regal flair, Jinki shrinking back because of the intense sudden brightness that seemed to emanate from the Prince as he smiled and his eyes caught on fire.
“She will be mine and the alliance between Dreamteamia and Coolcatopia will be cemented in history as the best diplomatic move, ever!”
Jinki blinked again. “You mean Prince Key?”
“Yes, she’s a beauty isn’t she?” Minho strolled over to the French doors that lead outside and pushed them open dramatically, letting in the sunlight as he strode out to lean wistfully on the balcony railing. “She’s a tough catch but I’ll make her mine.”
Jinki scratched at his cheek and picked up the paper; he flipped to the gossip columns and there was a picture of Prince Key, smiling and bright and waving to the paparazzi camera that had followed him to a store. Jinki studied the photo, noting the short hair do, the t-shirt, the shorts and the tennis shoes and WOAH DAMN was it possible to have that much leg hair!?
Putting the paper down, Jinki grabbed Minho’s coffee and walked over to the taller man and sure enough as soon as he reached Minho’s side the Prince reached out to take it and sip from it thoughtfully.
”We’d make beautiful children, yes?”
“Er, yeah, if you could make children?”
Minho whipped around, eyes flashing. “Are you saying she’s not fertile?!”
Jinki shrank back, “No, that’s not what I meant-,”
“Oh ok, as long as she’s fertile.”
Sighing heavily, Jinki let it go. Day in and day out he tried to convince his sire that the Princess was indeed a Prince and that the only way to unite the two Kingdoms would be through a gay marriage, which wasn’t looked down upon really, but nobody acknowledged the fact that Key was indeed male.
Jinki looked over at the newspaper sitting on the side table and caught sight of Key’s brilliant smile, and then gave a small one of his own. Key really was beautiful, especially when he wasn’t dressed up as a girl.
“Jinki!”
Even though he wasn’t moving, Jinki still fell over in shock, but quickly stood up, rubbing his face as he turned to face his sire.
“Yes, sire?”
“We leave for Coolcatopia at dawn, I shall propose to the Princess in person!”
“… Mother fucker.”
--
“KIM JONGHYUN IF YOU COME NEAR ME WITH THOSE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GOING TO USE THEM TO GAUGE YOUR EYES OUT AND MAKE TABLE DECORATIONS!”
Key was crouched on top of his highest dresser, kicking out with one of his feet to try and get Jonghyun away from him. His assistant was holding a pair of red heels and had been spending the better part of the afternoon trying to coax Key into wearing them, saying it would boost his height and make his ass look great. But Key had fled and instantly got in the highest place he could find, since Jonghyun was freaking short.
“But Your Highness, Prince Minho of Dreamteamia will be arriving any moment!”
Key froze mid-kick and shot a paranoid glance to his door. “Are you fucking kidding me.”
“No, Your Highness, now get your ass down from there.” Jonghyun reached out and grabbed Key’s ankle and yanked the Prince off of the dresser, the Prince falling to the floor in an ungraceful heap before he shot up and shoved at Jonghyun, picking up the heels and tossing them off of the balcony.
“I’m not fucking wearing those embarrassing abominations that are meant FOR WOMEN!”
Jonghyun gave a pout that reminded Key of a kicked puppy, so Key actually kicked Jonghyun in the shin, much more satisfied with that yelp and facial expression. Key was wearing his royal robes (ones that were actually designed for men), the white and gold reflecting in the sunlight as he moved down the vast corridors of his castle, headed to the main gate. He wasn’t going to get dolled up for that asshole of a Prince, not for all the money in the world or maybe even unlimited shopping sprees to his favorite stores and ok maybe Key had a few feminine qualities but he was NOT a girl.
(but for his own peace of mind he kept his Bedazzler™ hidden in a shoe box in the farthest depths of his closet)
He heard trumpets sound and new that was the signal of Prince Minho’s carriage arriving, and he quickened his pace as he flew out of the Main Hall and out onto the castle grounds, his feet barely touching the steps as he moved down them and stood at the bottom, collecting himself and fixing his hair a bit and steadying his breath so it didn’t look like he was eager or anything.
And oh yeah, he was eager.
But not for the same reason Prince Minho was ego, for sure.
The horses reared and neighed and they were beautiful, decked out in a shiny armor that looked light but effective, chrome and catching the rays of the light that made it almost have a purple tint. The carriage door opened and it wasn’t Minho that stepped out, but it was someone else. And they didn’t step, more like his foot missed the step and he went careening forward, flopping into the dirt and creating a small dust cloud before he quickly righted himself and dusted himself off, flashing Key an awkward smile.
Key’s heart skipped a beat but he ignored it; this man was obviously a yutz and definitely not worthy of the Prince of Coolcatopia’s presence. Turning his nose up a bit, he watched as Minho got out of the carriage, all long legs and arms but looking graceful as ever and it was a shame that the man was such a close-minded prick because damn he was hot.
Minho flashed a smile and opened his arms as he stepped towards Key, but Key merely held his ground and arched a fine-trimmed brow. The other Prince reached out and grabbed Key’s hand, bringing it up to his lips for a kiss but Key snatched it away and snarled.
“That’s not how you greet a Prince you asshole,” Key said. The proper way to greet a Prince was one arm bent in the front, one arm bent in the back, and a ninety-degree bow at the waist.
But Key would never greet Minho like this. He never had and he never would.
“It’s been too long, Key,” Minho said.
“That’s Prince Key to you jerk. And it hasn’t been long enough.” Key said as he turned on his heel and started up the steps, noting that the clumsy man that had first gotten out of the carriage was trailing after them. Could someone that stupid looking really be a Prince’s assistant?
Jonghyun greeted them at the top of the steps with a bow and a lopsided grin and Key rolled his eyes.
Of course imbeciles could be Prince’s assistants.
--
Jinki’s heart was thumping in his chest as he followed after the Princes and he had never seen Key in person before but oh he was so beautiful words just couldn’t describe. The fact that he wasn’t in a dress was just adding to that and Jinki felt his mouth going dry as he watched dat ass swing with each step, and did Key know that he had a sashay with his walk?
Jonghyun ambled alongside Jinki as they walked behind their sires, and Jinki glanced over at the other man. They were about the same age and had actually grown up together until Jinki’s family moved to Dreamteamia but he and Jonghyun stayed connected through letters. Jonghyun offered him a smile and Jinki offered one in return, and the older man couldn’t help but wonder if Jonghyun also thought Key was a girl.
It seemed almost everyone did.
They stopped outside of a large, ornate door and Key turned around, eyeing the two assistants. Jinki shrunk under the gaze but Jonghyun merely picked his nose, obviously used to the scrutiny.
“You two stay out here.”
“Yes ma’am,” Jonghyun mumbled and Key punched him in the arm before disappearing inside of the room, a pleased and greasy looking Minho following behind.
The door shut and Jinki rubbed the back of his head, not quite sure what to do with himself. There were no chairs to sit on and it wasn’t like he was going to leave the area. So he plopped down on the floor and sat Indian style, resting his chin in his hands as he glanced up at Jonghyun, who looked way too antsy.
“Jonghyun,” Jinki said, tugging on the younger man’s pant leg. “Sit. I don’t think they’ll be in there for long.”
Jonghyun sat and looked at the door contemplatively. “Key’s record is three minutes and twenty-eight seconds.”
Jinki smirked. “Minho’s is three minutes and twenty-seven seconds.”
“Who do you think will crack first?”
Jinki shrugged, pulling out a coin. “I’ll bet on my man lasting.”
Jonghyun smiled and pulled out a coin as well. “Key will destroy him.”
They stared at the door for about two minutes, before a loud crash was heard inside and Key’s muffled shouts were heard. A few more breaking objects, another muffled voice, and the door jolted as if something had been forced into it. There was about five seconds of silence before the door opened and Minho came running out of it, dodging the endless amount of ammo that Key was throwing after him.
“YOU PERVERT!”
Crash.
“YOU ASSHOLE!”
Shatter.
“I AM A FUCKING MAN!!”
Minho flew past Jinki and Jinki frowned and gave Jonghyun his coin, before he stood up and caught the next object that went sailing towards the direction of the Prince. Jinki was normally a klutz but when it came to his job, there was none better.
Key came out, obviously confused as to why there wasn’t a loud crash following his attack, and then stared at Jinki, who carefully put the vase on a nearby table.
“Violence won’t solve anything, Prince,” Jinki said with a small smile, and Key looked ready to throw something at him instead, when he suddenly froze and stared blankly at Jinki. Jinki blinked a few times, once again uncomfortable underneath that feline gaze, clearing his throat. “Er… Sire?”
“You…” Key dashed forward and grabbed Jinki’s collar, hauling the man close to him. “You called me Prince.”
Oh God so it really was that bad?
“Er, yeah?”
Key let out a victorious whoop and planted his lips on Jinki’s, a wet sloppy kiss that left the assistant weak in the knees. He tossed Jinki aside, who collapsed onto the floor and saw hearts and stars floating around his head, and pointed his finger at Minho, who was trying and failing miserably to hide behind the short man.
“SEE THAT!? I’M A FUCKING MAN! EVEN YOUR TWO-BIT ASSISTAN KNOWS!”
“Hey, I’m not a two-bit assistant,” Jinki sat up and pouted and Key shot him a glare that made him shut up.
Key folded his arms over his chest and smiled brightly at Minho. “So, Prince, as you can see I’m a man.”
Minho straightened from behind Jonghyun and came towards Key, stopping about a foot away from the shorter man as he arched a brow. His large alien eyes roved over Key’s body and he reached out, grasping Key’s chin between his forefinger and thumb, turning Key’s head from side to side as he examined him, before pulling away with a tsk.
Key swelled with satisfaction, until Minho spoke.
“You should grow out your hair, you look like a lesbian.” He snapped his fingers and Jinki scrambled after him, shooting an apologetic glance at Key, who merely sank to his knees and pulled at his hair.
“MY HAIR IS SHORT BECAUSE I’M A MAN, DAMN IT!!”
“We shall make wedding arrangements in the morning, Princess,” Minho called over his shoulder, turning to toss a wink in Key’s direction.
Jonghyun’s heart skipped a beat.
Key picked up the last vase that was still in tact and hurled it, managing to hit Jinki between the shoulder blades and knock him over and send him down the steps, Minho casually following after and dusting bits of porcelain off of his jacket.
“You’re so lucky to have Prince Minho pining after you,” Jonghyun sighed, cupping his face in both hands as hearts floated in his eyes.
“THEN YOU MARRY HIM!” Key shoved Jonghyun and turned to stalk off in the opposite direction towards the wine cellar. He needed alcohol to deal with this.
“But Your Highness, you can’t leave yet we need to prepare your dress!”
“I’M NOT WEARING A FUCKING DRESS BECAUSE I AM A MAN, GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!”
Across the castle, Soo Man put his pinky in his ear and wiggled it around a bit. “Did you hear anything, Jenkins?”
“No, sire,” his butler drawled, pouring more champagne.
[ Chapter 2]