(no subject)
1
Before the month-long winter break, Joonmyun compiles an assessment test from the reviewing material Kyuhyun has sent him and is pleased to find that both Kyungsoo and Lu Han are keeping up with schedule. Jongin and Sehun, like usual, finish the obvious problems and leave the rest blank. Good enough. The club starts winter break in high spirits, agreeing to keep meeting once a week to maintain their working rhythm.
Joonmyun checks off his calendar, six more months.
The month of December is long. Joonmyun spends most days drudging through the snow to walk to cram school. The work load keeps him busy, but the days crawl along. Munching on dry cafeteria bread, Joonmyun misses the aroma and the taste of Kyungsoo’s packed lunch. He draws on the glass window with his finger and remembers the view from the roof top, Jongin’s raucous laughter, Sehun’s soft voice, Lu Han’s never-ending smile and mostly, mostly he mourns the lack of Wu Fan’s deep voice, telling him to remember to dress warmly because the snow is coming. They text almost every day, but somehow not physically seeing and touching Wu Fan gnaws at the edges of Joonmyun’s subconscious. He takes to preparing various problem worksheets for Math club so he has less time to ponder scenarios.
Two days before Christmas, Kyungsoo knocks on Joonmyun’s door and asks him to go for a walk. He doesn’t say much as he leads Joonmyun down a familiar road, hoodie pulled over his head, eyes obscured and steps brisk.
“What are we doing at school Kyungsoo? Wait, is that Jongin?” Joonmyun narrows his eyes at the gangly silhouette they are approaching. Kyungsoo nods. Jongin is waiting, presumably for Kyungsoo, at the school gate, absentmindedly kicking the snow at his feet.
Jongin’s face mirrors Joonmyun’s confusion when they come face to face, glancing from Joonmyun to Kyungsoo. He stands up right and is resolutely not looking at Joonmyun. Kyungsoo nudges his elbow.
“Jongin has something to ask you, hyung.” Kyungsoo nods at Jongin, nudging him again.
“Hyung, this isn’t necessary.” Jongin whispers to Kyungsoo, almost pleadingly.
Kyungsoo just stares at him, hard and forceful.
Eventually Jongin sighs and starts, “I failed some Chemistry exams, so I’ve been taking supplementary lessons during the break.” His ears begin to redden at the tips.
“Is it not helping?” Joonmyun tries.
“I just don’t get it,” Jongin lets out an exasperated sigh, “if I fail the exam again though, they won’t let me continue with the dance team.”
Jongin lifts his eyes, “I need help Joonmyun hyung.”
Kyungsoo tugs on Joonmyun’s sleeve, “I’m no good with Chemistry, hyung. Will you help Jongin?”
Joonmyun looks at them both and heaves, “You guys are idiots, you know that right? Why didn’t you ask me earlier? We should start reviewing right now.”
Kyungsoo’s face relaxes and his lips turn heart shape, “Hyung is the best!”
Jongin’s make-up exam is on the last day of the year. Joonmyun spends the entire week at Kyungsoo’s house tutoring Jongin after cram school, only stopping to celebrate Christmas. He finds Kyungsoo correct, that Jongin is an extremely fast learner and can boast quite impressive concentration. “When he wants to,” Kyungsoo mouths to Joonmyun as Jongin bites his bottom lips, working to solve a chemical equation. Even when Joonmyun assures Jongin that he is caught up and ready for the exam, Jongin insists on reviewing until they are both nodding off in Kyungsoo’s room the night before the test. Kyungsoo cleans up the notes and papers strewn all over his floor and kicks them both out.
Joonmyun doesn’t hear from either Jongin or Kyungsoo the next day, but the day after that, New Year’s Day, both show up at his door step, cheeks pink with excitement.
Kyungsoo chirps, “He passed hyung.”
Jongin gives him a thumb up. “Joonmyun hyung’s the best.”
Their smiles are contagious and soon Joonmyun is grinning from ear to ear, thumbing Jongin right back, “You did well! Do you guys want to come in?”
“Nope, gonna go on a date.” Jongin grabs Kyungsoo by the waist and Kyungsoo is between squeaking and giggling.
Joonmyun kicks some snow at them, “Ew, get off my property!”
Jongin puts Kyungsoo down and Kyungsoo skips up Joonmyun’s steps, reaching into his coat pocket and presenting Joonmyun with a lucky charm. “We got it at the temple for you hyung. I made sure to pray extra hard for our club. We’re gonna take first place at the Olympiad this year.”
Joonmyun takes the charm, dangling it on his fingers. He smiles with teeth, “Fighting!”
After Jongin and Kyungsoo leave hands in hands, Joonmyun settles down in his couch to watch New Year specials with his family. His phone vibrates in his pocket. Lu Han and Sehun have sent him New Year messages. He eyes the texts fondly before opening a new message window. Half way into his text, his phone vibrates again.
Joonmyun’s breath hitches for a moment; Wu Fan. Wu Fan has texted him Happy New Year in Korean, Chinese and English. He grips the phone as he reads Wu Fan’s text over and over. Yep, it has been a good New Year’s Day.
The first order of business during their first meeting after winter break has nothing to do with math. Lu Han has found out from Wu Fan that the debate team is sponsored personalized team varsity jackets by the school. He brings this up first and foremost, “We need to get our own club varsity jackets too.” He slams a hand down in resolution.
Joonmyun shakes his head, “Not happening, we don’t have any funding for that.”
Sehun raises his hand, “I want a Math club varsity jacket.”
Joonmyun turns to Sehun, eyebrows shooting out of the frame of his face, “Sehun. You. The dancer. Would be willing to walk around in a jacket full of nerdy Math symbols. Aren’t you and Jongin still telling your friends that you’re serving detention when you’re here?”
“That was last year, hyung.” Jongin chimes in from where he sits perking on top of a desk, “Also, I’m with Lu Han hyung. Let’s get some Math swag.”
Lu Han claps. Sehun turns around and fist pumps Jongin. Joonmyun looks desperately at Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo offers him a small smile, “Well, it is good to remind people that we’re an active club.”
Joonmyun claws at his cheeks with both hands, “But money, where are we getting the money for this?”
Jongin snaps his fingers, “The school festival next month. We can organize a food booth. Selling pies,” he winks and shoots his index finger at Joonmyun, “Pies. Get it?”
Sehun stands up to bro-fist Jongin this time. Lu Han is flailing dangerously at his table and Kyungsoo starts laughing like a seal. Joonmyun looks at each of them slowly, realizing this is the first time they are actually working together. Like a real team. He bites his bottom lip to prevent the tears welling underneath his eyelid; he can go places with these people after all.
“And then Sehun and I will bring our crew. They will eat anything. And Lu Han hyung will bring his soccer fangirls. And voila, Math swag.”
It is a plan.
Joonmyun stays behind with Kyungsoo after club that day to work out numbers and expenses. If everything goes well, they’ll have their jackets and a little extra just in case. Kyungsoo neatly records everything in the club’s journal and Joonmyun takes it to the teacher’s lounge for an approval. The door opens before he can knock on it and Wu Fan stands towering on the other side. Joonmyun’s chest does a sudden jump-start and it shocks him into stuttering a greeting.
Wu Fan’s hair has gotten longer over the break, his bangs pushed back by a hair band, strong eyebrows showing. From where Joonmyun stands, just half an arm length away, Wu Fan’s eyelashes are long and dark. Everything is perfect from this distance. The month he spends not seeing Wu Fan everyday is doing strange things to Joonmyun now, keeping his eyes fixed on Wu Fan’s and pumping his heart in full throttle.
“Sorry.” Wu Fan scoots over and Joonmyun blinks rapidly at the open space before him, trying to remember what he was doing. The club notebook is slippery in his sweaty fingers. He grips it with his other hand, wiping his palm on the side of his pants and wondering when he starts sweating during winter.
He briefs the club advisor of their plan for the school festival and after assuring the teacher that he can handle both Math club and his class responsibilities - there isn’t much for him to do as class rep, his class has been doing the same thing for the festival for three years and everyone knows what they’re supposed to do - he gets the go-ahead.
When Joonmyun peeks his head out from the lounge door, Wu Fan is waiting for him, leaned against the wall of the empty hall with his school bag hung over his shoulder. They smile when their eyes meet.
“How was your break?” Joonmyun asks over their matched pace.
“It was fine. It was long actually. I’m too used to the two-week winter break in Canada, so I started getting really restless to start school again. Weird, huh?”
“No, no. Me too. And I’ve lived here all my life. But then towards Christmas and New Year I got stuck helping Jongin pass his Chemistry class, so I guess I was busy.”
“Busy is good.” Wu Fan pats Joonmyun’s shoulders. His hand is big.
“Hmm,” Joonmyun hums, “Since it’s your first New Year in Korea, did you try anything traditional with your family?”
“I just stayed home and watched TV.” Wu Fan shrugs.
“Really? Your parents didn’t want to go out on New Year’s Eve?”
“Maybe they did, but there’s really nothing too special where we live in Canada so I doubt it.”
“Canada? Wait…”
“I live by myself right now.” Wu Fan shrugs again, nudging a piece of ice to the side with his foot.
Joonmyun falters a bit in his step, the road is slippery. He hasn’t expected that particular turn of the conversation. Before his brain can process if it’s a safe topic to pursue he blurts, “So you spent Christmas and New Year by yourself? Why didn’t you tell me?”
He is surprised by his own incredulity, looking quickly away from Wu Fan the moment he stops talking.
Wu Fan asks, a hint of amusement in his question, “What should I have told you?”
“I don’t know… I guess you didn’t have to tell me anything,” the wind is cold on his face, making Joonmyun that much more conscious of the warmth creeping up on his cheeks, “But spending winter alone. Is sad.”
“It’s anticlimactic at best.” Wu Fan’s pace is even, so is his tone. Joonmyun has fallen half a step behind, feeling he’s miles away from Wu Fan, comprehending for the first time the depth of Wu Fan’s stoicism. Melancholy is a foreign concept. Joonmyun has never worried a day in his life, whereas Wu Fan’s calmness sets a definite undertone. He feels absolutely silly for harboring a crush on Wu Fan.
“Would you, would you like to come over? For dinner?” Joonmyun glances quickly at Wu Fan, berating himself inwardly. For all the effort he puts into leveling himself to Wu Fan’s silent maturity, Joonmyun still can’t help but act upon the prodding spontaneity when it comes to Wu Fan.
He also blames Wu Fan for indulging him.
The first minutes after they step through the door are awkward, Joonmyun’s mom coming to greet him and looking curiously at Wu Fan. Wu Fan ends up introducing himself while Joonmyun waves a vague arm between his mother and Wu Fan. He spends the rest of the evening being a guest in his own house whereas Wu Fan is effortlessly polite and friendly. Joonmyun looks down at his food during the entire meal while Wu Fan compliments the dishes and offers to help clean up. He only looks up when his mother snatches his bowl from him and asks him to bring Wu Fan upstairs.
They ditch their school bags in Joonmyun’s room and climb out, lying on their backs and stargaze on Joonmyun’s roof. The winter night sky in Seoul is desolate, the stars are far and few, dimming in the distance. It piques Joonmyun’s curiosity.
“Are you used to being away from home?” his heart starts thumping loudly again. He hopes Wu Fan doesn’t hear it.
“I’ve never been this long or this far away from home before. It’s usually my parents.”
“Why move out? Why so far away? Why Korea?”
“I just jumped on the first available plane. I sent out applications to schools in other countries too, Seoul High was the first one that got back to me. I just knew I didn’t want to go to China, that wouldn’t put me too far away from home. Who knew, I could be in Japan or somewhere in Europe instead.”
Joonmyun gulps. He wonders if this is how winning the lottery feels like, a deafening rush of adrenaline that comes from realizing fate has done it all for him, has propelled Wu Fan to Korea, to Seoul High. He takes a dizzying breath, feeling the flimsy thread of possibility wrapping and numbing his fingertips. He wiggles his hands for warmth, brushing slightly against Wu Fan’s sleeve.
“Your parents were alright with everything?”
Wu Fan scoffs, a puff of air escapes his mouth in haste, dissipating into the dark, “No. My father and I, we seldom agree on anything, probably because we don’t talk often. It’s twisted really. I understand him perfectly. And that’s why I can never agree with him. Being in his head, it’s tiring.” Wu Fan draws a line in the air, “So I wanted to go, far away. Somewhere the echo of his thought couldn’t reach me. It’s despicable actually, I’m just running away, on my family’s money. I managed to convince my parents that this is some sort of spiritual journey, but I’m just a kid acting out. Sad huh?”
“No, no. I don’t think so. I think, breaking out of your mold, is good. Doing what you want is good.”
“But I don’t know what I want.” Wu Fan sighs, “Joonmyun-shi, you’re amazing you know. You got your entire future planned and sorted out. I’m just hopping around places because I can afford it.”
Joonmyun isn’t sure how to take Wu Fan’s compliment. He has been moving in a straight line all of his life because there have been few outside disturbances to knock him off his path. Around him, his parents, his friends, Kyungsoo are all on similar parallel lines. Wu Fan is the single deviant on his path. He wants to chase Wu Fan. At that very moment, lying shivering on the roof top, Joonmyun wants Wu Fan to be on the same line.
“Then just follow me,” he taps his knuckles on Wu Fan’s arm, “make short term plans first. Win the debate in five months. Graduate. Choose a university. Study. Get in. Then you’ll have plenty of time to think about what you want to do.” Joonmyun counts the goals on his fingers, feeling increasingly enthusiastic as he waves his open palm at Wu Fan.
Wu Fan sits up and smiles at him, eyes large and sad against the street lights, “I’m going back to Canada after graduation.”
Joonmyun has not considered that. He falls silent, the weight of the dark sky oppressive on his chest.
3
bah