Julian, I'm not mad at you at all! I've been with Fredrik Nordstrom all day, so I haven't had a chance to access LJ, that's all.
Honestly Julian, I didn't know. Under the circumstances, I had to acknowledge what seemed to be a possibility. I was trying to keep an open mind, though. I thought it just as likely, if not more, that you had encountered some other danger or calamity. I'm sorry there had to be even that much doubt in me. Now that I know that wasn't the case, I don't think I would feel such doubt again. I trust you, Julian. Having been a sort of "drug" myself though, I know how hard it is to move past. Not just at the time of recovery, but always. I also know, however, that you build more strength and faith every day.
No, it's okay that you did. I just didn't know if that's why you didn't say anything, that's all. I understand...I didn't make it easy to trust me.
I just...wanted to talk to you. Because everyone else is nice and wonderful and all, but you understand, you know? What it's like? Being attacked for being gay. And I hadn't heard from you and I just...wanted to.
People don't look at Renee and and think 'Oh, there's a lesbian'. Same with Deirdre (though she IS loud about it) or Alessa or Kat. Or even Flynn and Quinn as much. But they can look at me, and know. It's in everything I do. Which is fine with me. I was raised to be proud of who I am. But now...I'm afraid too. Because all of them...they can be out on the streets and no one would know and they wouldn't be all...burned up. And with me, people just know, you know? And what if I get attacked again? I don't want to have to change or hide just to feel safe. They can't understand how that feels, not completely. But you do. Because you did
( ... )
No, I understand. You don't have to apologise. I think paranoia comes with the territory...
People shouldn't be afraid to express who they are, whether it's something they do intentionally or not. It's interesting that we should be in such similar situations, given our diverse upbringings. I was always taught that being gay is sinful and shameful. Of course I tried to hide it. I had to become very public about my sexual orientation in order to combat the repression of my upbringing. While that does leave me open to hate crimes, I have the advantage of being high-profile, as well as immortal. On the other hand, you've been raised with the knowledge that it's okay, no, that it's great to be exactly who you are. So of course you never repressed it. I think it's a very good thing that who you are is in everything you do. I think that shows great strength of character in you. On one day of your life, you were - at least on the surface - beaten for it. But there were many, many other days you weren't. And reading your other entry, it seems
( ... )
But...okay if it was Renton, it wasn't about my being gay. Or not completely. But they still said horrible things and they shoved that fake cock in my mouth and made me vomit. And it made me remember things I don't want to remember, and what if I remember what they when I'm all...you know...doing the real thing. If they took enjoyment of that away from me, they beat more that, they beat more than just my surface. I can only see out of one eye. And I'm terrified to sleep at night. And I'm trying very hard to seem okay, but I'm not. I'm not. They things they did...god, how am I supposed to move past that?!
Yeah, my dad and I talked about that. I told him he couldn't always protect me and if I got taken away, I loved him and it wasn't his fault. And then halfway through Beauty and the Beast he informed me that if they take over, we're moving to Alaska and living with Eskimos. I said I do like the fur...
Yes, I have hope, sure. And mind-numbing fear. I was violated. It wasn't rape, but Jesus. Ah..bad choice of name,
( ... )
Comments 19
Honestly Julian, I didn't know. Under the circumstances, I had to acknowledge what seemed to be a possibility. I was trying to keep an open mind, though. I thought it just as likely, if not more, that you had encountered some other danger or calamity. I'm sorry there had to be even that much doubt in me. Now that I know that wasn't the case, I don't think I would feel such doubt again. I trust you, Julian. Having been a sort of "drug" myself though, I know how hard it is to move past. Not just at the time of recovery, but always. I also know, however, that you build more strength and faith every day.
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No, it's okay that you did. I just didn't know if that's why you didn't say anything, that's all. I understand...I didn't make it easy to trust me.
I just...wanted to talk to you. Because everyone else is nice and wonderful and all, but you understand, you know? What it's like? Being attacked for being gay. And I hadn't heard from you and I just...wanted to.
People don't look at Renee and and think 'Oh, there's a lesbian'. Same with Deirdre (though she IS loud about it) or Alessa or Kat. Or even Flynn and Quinn as much. But they can look at me, and know. It's in everything I do. Which is fine with me. I was raised to be proud of who I am. But now...I'm afraid too. Because all of them...they can be out on the streets and no one would know and they wouldn't be all...burned up. And with me, people just know, you know? And what if I get attacked again? I don't want to have to change or hide just to feel safe. They can't understand how that feels, not completely. But you do. Because you did ( ... )
Reply
People shouldn't be afraid to express who they are, whether it's something they do intentionally or not. It's interesting that we should be in such similar situations, given our diverse upbringings. I was always taught that being gay is sinful and shameful. Of course I tried to hide it. I had to become very public about my sexual orientation in order to combat the repression of my upbringing. While that does leave me open to hate crimes, I have the advantage of being high-profile, as well as immortal. On the other hand, you've been raised with the knowledge that it's okay, no, that it's great to be exactly who you are. So of course you never repressed it. I think it's a very good thing that who you are is in everything you do. I think that shows great strength of character in you. On one day of your life, you were - at least on the surface - beaten for it. But there were many, many other days you weren't. And reading your other entry, it seems ( ... )
Reply
Yeah, my dad and I talked about that. I told him he couldn't always protect me and if I got taken away, I loved him and it wasn't his fault. And then halfway through Beauty and the Beast he informed me that if they take over, we're moving to Alaska and living with Eskimos. I said I do like the fur...
Yes, I have hope, sure. And mind-numbing fear. I was violated. It wasn't rape, but Jesus. Ah..bad choice of name, ( ... )
Reply
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