Identity - Chapter Two
Morgan watched Reid's face for a long moment without saying anything, trying to absorb the shock of what had been said within a reasonable time frame - within a time frame that would keep his best friend from descending into another level of worry fraught with panic. Reid stood there, eyes desperately pleading with Morgan for him to understand - for reassurance that no one could give him right now. That's what he had, after all, come to Morgan for.
"Okay. Okay, back up, pretty boy-" he gave a fraction of a pause, too long for Reid not to have missed. Right now, the nickname was leaving a bad taste in his mouth. Did the candid objectification implied by it hurt Reid? He made a mental note not to use it again until he understood the situation better - and to never use it again if Reid revealed that it hurt. Taking a slow breath, he continued. "So you're asexual. All right. Now tell me, what does that mean to you?"
"AVEN, that is, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network is my primary resource and they define an Asexual as a person who does not experience primary or secondary sexual attraction, but most of the people I've had correspondence with through the forums seem to take it as a scale. There's remarkably little definitive overlap between one person's interpretation of themselves to someone else's - in effect, everyone I've spoken to has varying degrees of sexual activity and interest. Some rank themselves as falling in a gray area between, some are Demi-"
Morgan let Reid ramble a bit while continuing to gather his own thoughts, but it was hard to tune out the anxiety in every word that Reid spoke. Eventually Morgan was raising his hand in a gesture to slow Reid down. "Deep breaths, kid. I asked what you think, how you feel. Does this mean you have no interest in a relationship?"
"No!" The excitement from the panic was evident in the too-hurried answer, followed by another onslaught of words. "That's just it, I'm probably asexual but I'm definitely not aromantic and I-"
Yet again, Morgan was forced to cut Reid off before the anxiety escalated to a ridiculous scale. This couldn't have been good for Reid's health - and it was starting to stress Morgan as well, seeing Reid act like this. "Calm down, Reid. I don't know a whole lot about this stuff but I want to help you. What does 'aromantic' mean?"
Spencer was making obvious effort to contain himself and settle his breathing pattern to a reasonable and consistently stable pace, but after a long moment of focused, meditative breathing he licked his lips. "Aromantics aren't interested in romance. It works the same way as asexuality does - a sliding scale, everyone has varying degrees and being asexual does not necessarily mean you're aromantic. Just the same, being aromantic doesn't mean that you're asexual - there are plenty of sexuals who don't categorize sexual interaction as intimacy. I don't have any kind of problem feeling romantic inclinations... I've been on dates, and.. yeah, I've been busy, work and reading take up all of my time. I like it that way, but I like romance as well, I had fun on the dates I've been on. They went well enough, when I got past the typical anxiety."
Derek folded his hands across his lap. "How can I help you, Reid? Some people are Asexual. From what you've told me, it looks like you might be on the list. That doesn't mean that you need to be fixed."
"No, but I do need to define myself. I- I need to know if..." he trailed off, swallowing hard, and averted his eyes.
"Reid... talk to me. Obviously whatever you have planned concerns me or you wouldn't have brought it to me. What's on your mind, kid?"
The certifiable genius lapsed into silence so long that Morgan nearly prompted him again, but he fell back and simply watched - knowing that he was playing the waiting game with Reid's social anxiety. If he waited long enough it would come out on its own, and whatever was least stressful for Reid - in this case, waiting instead of continuing to poke and prod - was the best choice. Derek Morgan was not an extremely patient man, but he had quite a lot of patience for his best friend and he tried to mirror that in his body language and expression. The last thing he wanted was for Reid to profile him as inconvenienced and annoyed.
Finally, Reid spoke.
"Asexuals typically don't experience sexual urges on either level, but demisexuals on the other hand experience secondary sexual attraction through established, intimate bonds. I already know I'm bi-romantic, I... I've had feelings for men in the past," Reid paused to clear his throat and Morgan felt his heart simultaneously plummet as his brain went on over-drive. This was getting surreal. He could see where the conversation was going by now, but to his horror he wasn't sure if he wanted it to go there or not. "You.. You're the only one I could ask this of, Derek - hell, man, I.. I hate that I have to ask you this at all but I've been climbing the walls trying to think of another solution and I'm afraid I just can't see one. I need to know. I'm not getting sleep, I can't think straight... I don't have the time or the appropriate work schedule to try and forge a bond to someone else, and to be honest it may not even be worth it if I can't respond to them. I could speak to people through AVEN but it may take years to accumulate the type of bond that I would need. We've known each other that long, and I... You're a handsome guy... I can relax around you. I can't ask this of any of the girls in our team, and.. I'm not really comfortable asking Hotch..."
Reid was rapidly veering into more and more awkward territory, but the panic in his voice had lessened. That should have comforted Derek, but his heart was hammering in his chest with conflicted emotions. On the up side, Spencer wanted to sleep with him - something he'd never expected would happen in a million years. On the down side, it was because Morgan was a trusted friend and the only one appropriate for the job. Did he feel proud or did he feel hurt or did he just feel concern for his friend? He felt all of those things, and many more things that he couldn't identify or afford to let show on his face.
The worst part of this equation was he wasn't sure if he could sleep with Reid and not let it kill him in the end. Or if Reid responded, but still wanted it to be just a test. Or if he didn't respond at all - could they continue on as if it'd never happened?
Still, Spencer looked so terrified and Morgan knew, in his heart, that he couldn't leave his best friend with this fear hanging over his head indefinitely. Knowing their work schedule, knowing that what Reid claimed was true about the time required to forge a bond as strong as theirs - they'd literally been each other's lifeline at times in this job, after all - he couldn't say no.
So he nodded. "All right. I'll help you out."