Comments | visualexcerpt: Untitled First Draft

visualexcerpt

Untitled First Draft

Oct 09, 2005 12:58

-This is a story done for the creative writing class I am currently enrolled in. This is the first draft, so be prepared to see a lot of changes!
-Comments, critisms not only appreciated, but WANTED

( Chapter I )

story

Comments 9

bmh4d0k3n October 9 2005, 19:35:07 UTC

Ch1, p1: I'm not altogether sure "Shied away as he was from the speakers" is grammatically correct.

Ch2, p1: In "lay here like this," "lay" should be "lie," and would "there like that" be better? Otherwise, there seems to be something of a shift in narration. Then again, those sorts of time / place elements make the story more personal, so I can see why if it was intentional.

Ch2, p9: Do you want to reuse both "chestnut" and "sliver"? Here, you have a perfect opportunity for even more descriptive variety.

Ooh...I like the Star Trek, Buffy, and LOTR references.

~There was no pain. No fear, no doubt, 'til they pulled me out of heaven. So that's my refrain. I live in hell, 'cause I've been expelled from heaven. I think I was in heaven.~

"Buff, I’m storming off. It doesn’t really work if you come with me."

The ending gave me goosebumps (and the end of Chapter 4). I haven't been able to decide if I think some of the plot is a bit much, but I like this far better than most, err, short stories I've read. Perhaps you've restored my ( ... )

bmh4d0k3n October 9 2005, 21:24:38 UTC

Oh, I forgot one:

"Stop! Stop telling stories. Life isn't a story....Shut up. You always do this. You make everything into a story so no one's responsible for anything because they're just following a script."

visualexcerpt October 9 2005, 22:17:23 UTC

Why do I not recognize that one?

bmh4d0k3n October 9 2005, 22:28:19 UTC

Err...because it's from "Storyteller" of season seven?

Thread 7

poetofthedarned October 9 2005, 20:43:07 UTC

Maybe I'm just stupid...maybe I'm not, but I have a question. In the first paragraph of chapter VI, the sentence:
"Unsure of what to do, Adam finally moved toward the two after a gentle nudge from Jo."

Who are the two? I can't figure out anybody but the mother.

visualexcerpt October 9 2005, 22:16:14 UTC

You are correct. The story was orginally written with the mother talking to the doctor when they entered. Thanks for catching that, it should be fixed now!