to be frank or someone else entirely
the last few months have been a slow decay of my relationship with daniel.
i was warned, but too idealistic to believe that
we want different things.
i miss him when we are in the same room.
daniel's brother was dropped off at the shelter in denver today. dan is still gone on this voyage.
his brother, moved in last september. we welcomed him out of a storage facility in omaha working in a factory into our mountain home. he lived with us for two months without attempting to get a job and picking fights about how dan owes him this and that. dan found him a job, as a lift operator at the ski area we work at. he broke is arm the third time he ever tried to snowboard. his first day out, dan tought him some basics. dan is an excellent teacher, he tought me. the second day he was not doing so great but alas he refused to listen to daniel or i about anything. we ended up leaving him telling him he was going to break something...
"you're just afraid i'm going to be a snowboarding natural. that i'll be better than you"
there is envy that grows deep inside this guy. there is rage deep inside him too.
fights turn into brawls in which every sentence ends with "you motherfucker" "you fucking dickhead" "you fucking slut/bitch/whore"
he has no tact | no couth | no clue.
he gets drunk and picks fights. physical confrontations with people he just met as well as those he claims to care about. it's hard to bring him to a party where alcohol will be present because you can guarrantee an embarressing night. while we were in michigan, we left the keys to our other vehicle for the guys to drive to work. they drove it all over including to denver, this vehicle is unregistered and uninsured. his brother got pulled over twice. twice very wasted. got the truck impounded. blamed our other roommate for it and made up lies to cover for himself.
he is racist, and sexist.
he punched a hole in the wall of his bedroom a few months ago. i've tried kicking him out but he refused to go...over and over. this is so hard on dan. he still insists that we owe him money for this and that, today we found out that he stole money from our change jar (which is petty, but still stealing from your family) as well as he stole dan's pot when we were in michigan. he refuses to pay us gas money, yet we drive him to work everyday. today he says he'll never give us money to drive him to work again.
i stop the car and tell him to get out then. i will not take him to work.
he throws the plate he ate his breakfast off of out the car and it smashes on the road.
these are my dishes.
he throws a fit and dan ends up fighting him...
he walks away back toward the house.
dan goes back there and i take luke to work.
i drive home and walk into our main room.
the wood floors are covered in broken glass. our dog is running through it. our telephone is broken, the wires ripped from the unit. he has smashed a banana all over his bedroom walls.
he's still screaming off and on, screaming to himself or at us. screams that he's going to walk to the cliff near our house and jump off. screams that he is hopeless. screams that we are so fucked.
screams.
it is 5:00 now and i have been awake since 6 am.
these days are cold. these days are dull.
these days may seem action packed, but when we look at each other, we have nothing to say.
will i move away from here.
i choose to wait in this hole of a relationship with this guy i pretend is still my boyfriend and this guy who pretends that he wants to be.
sleeping next to each other each night. sometimes kisses, but we keep our distance.
this is how real love ends?
in absolute desolation, unforgiving anger, tears for hours hiding in closets...
it's shameful.
oh to be some thoughtless college girl
who parties with friends and lives like she means it
with goals and ideals...
i was that once.
i was warned, but too idealistic to believe that
we want different things.
i miss him when we are in the same room.
daniel's brother was dropped off at the shelter in denver today. dan is still gone on this voyage.
his brother, moved in last september. we welcomed him out of a storage facility in omaha working in a factory into our mountain home. he lived with us for two months without attempting to get a job and picking fights about how dan owes him this and that. dan found him a job, as a lift operator at the ski area we work at. he broke is arm the third time he ever tried to snowboard. his first day out, dan tought him some basics. dan is an excellent teacher, he tought me. the second day he was not doing so great but alas he refused to listen to daniel or i about anything. we ended up leaving him telling him he was going to break something...
"you're just afraid i'm going to be a snowboarding natural. that i'll be better than you"
there is envy that grows deep inside this guy. there is rage deep inside him too.
fights turn into brawls in which every sentence ends with "you motherfucker" "you fucking dickhead" "you fucking slut/bitch/whore"
he has no tact | no couth | no clue.
he gets drunk and picks fights. physical confrontations with people he just met as well as those he claims to care about. it's hard to bring him to a party where alcohol will be present because you can guarrantee an embarressing night. while we were in michigan, we left the keys to our other vehicle for the guys to drive to work. they drove it all over including to denver, this vehicle is unregistered and uninsured. his brother got pulled over twice. twice very wasted. got the truck impounded. blamed our other roommate for it and made up lies to cover for himself.
he is racist, and sexist.
he punched a hole in the wall of his bedroom a few months ago. i've tried kicking him out but he refused to go...over and over. this is so hard on dan. he still insists that we owe him money for this and that, today we found out that he stole money from our change jar (which is petty, but still stealing from your family) as well as he stole dan's pot when we were in michigan. he refuses to pay us gas money, yet we drive him to work everyday. today he says he'll never give us money to drive him to work again.
i stop the car and tell him to get out then. i will not take him to work.
he throws the plate he ate his breakfast off of out the car and it smashes on the road.
these are my dishes.
he throws a fit and dan ends up fighting him...
he walks away back toward the house.
dan goes back there and i take luke to work.
i drive home and walk into our main room.
the wood floors are covered in broken glass. our dog is running through it. our telephone is broken, the wires ripped from the unit. he has smashed a banana all over his bedroom walls.
he's still screaming off and on, screaming to himself or at us. screams that he's going to walk to the cliff near our house and jump off. screams that he is hopeless. screams that we are so fucked.
screams.
it is 5:00 now and i have been awake since 6 am.
these days are cold. these days are dull.
these days may seem action packed, but when we look at each other, we have nothing to say.
will i move away from here.
i choose to wait in this hole of a relationship with this guy i pretend is still my boyfriend and this guy who pretends that he wants to be.
sleeping next to each other each night. sometimes kisses, but we keep our distance.
this is how real love ends?
in absolute desolation, unforgiving anger, tears for hours hiding in closets...
it's shameful.
oh to be some thoughtless college girl
who parties with friends and lives like she means it
with goals and ideals...
i was that once.