I guess I'm hitting that but just now. Just now I'm here, and dissociation takes MUCH more work than it used to (used to be part of life, like breathing). My dilemma is that I don't like right now, I feel misplaced in it. I almost want the old complete out-of-body back. x
I think my problem is that it feels that a part of me is concerntrating on how good the moment actually is that I tend to dwell on that rather than the actual moment. My mind doesn't have the ability to switch off in that respect. Not yet anyway.
I've had major issues with.. just being able to enjoy things, really. As in, I can't justify to myself pursuing a lot of things which might define one as "alive". And acting like this is a vicious cycle, because who would want to be around someone and try to be happy with someone who didn't really allow himself those things? And being alone makes feeling this way.. easier. I can't really see things changing, either. Maybe someday, when I'm more settled and secure in life, but.. that's a while off.
I talk about these things on my journal sometimes. Less so recently, but that could change. I think there are important similarities and differences to how you felt, though.
I think that the initial seeds of detachment are planted in trauma. When people have been emotionally and/or physically abused a number of times, when they’ve been overwhelmed with the disgusting aspects of life, I think that they develop the ability to detach as a survival mechanism.
In order to really live *in* the moment, one would have to be really be convinced that life is something that they want to fully participate in, not just watch on the perceptual big screen while munching mental popcorn from the psychological back row.
When I look at some parts of my past I feel though as if I went through some periods of my life very shortsightedly and ignorant of occurences. Not that I never lived in the moment during those times I think quite the opposite, at some points it seems as though that's all I ever did (but not in an irresponsbile and wreckless way with no regard for the future but in a rather ignorant way) - I feel as if I never looked deeper into and evaluated things in the ways that I have the last few years and do now
( ... )
It is funny that you brought this up in reference to your dog, because I was seized with the idea behind this post while observing my cat last week and came to some of the same conclusions as you as well as really took a deep look at how I have lived in the past as opposed to recently.
I always look back on this one instance, when I was in the car with my father catching a ride home at the end of the day. Stuck in the usual rush-hour 34th street traffic venturing across town to the tunnel we were stopped at a light. Amid the blaring of all the car horns, jack hammers, and truck engines he looked back at Gillian (his dog) and then to me and asked "Do you think they look at us and think we're insane in how we live like this or do you think they just live in the moment?"
I remember looking at her and how peaceful she was laying in the back staring out the window while he and I were exasperated with traffic.
Comments 9
Reply
Reply
I talk about these things on my journal sometimes. Less so recently, but that could change. I think there are important similarities and differences to how you felt, though.
Reply
In order to really live *in* the moment, one would have to be really be convinced that life is something that they want to fully participate in, not just watch on the perceptual big screen while munching mental popcorn from the psychological back row.
Reply
Reply
It is funny that you brought this up in reference to your dog, because I was seized with the idea behind this post while observing my cat last week and came to some of the same conclusions as you as well as really took a deep look at how I have lived in the past as opposed to recently.
Reply
I remember looking at her and how peaceful she was laying in the back staring out the window while he and I were exasperated with traffic.
( ... )
Reply
Leave a comment