Ficlet: But Only For a Moment (Veronica/Logan)

[delicatelight]

Title: But Only For a Moment
Auther: erin2326
Pairing/Character: Veronica/Logan
Rating: PG
Summery: Caught in an endless loop.
Spoilers/Warnings: None really, just to be on the safe side, entire series.
A/N: First time posting here.  I wrote this really quickly, and I'm not sure what I think about it.  Any feedback would be appreciated.

When they were

Comments

[mastermia]

I really enjoyed this. It is very lyrical and poetic, and the use of repetition with the "this moment, a moment" and the "time went by" really work. I would, however, change the last Time goes by. I know that you wanted to change the sense of time, but the change is jarring when you had set up the rhythm of using the same phrase.

You might want to consider using followed in place of ensured. For some reason, even though the word is used correctly it did not flow very well for me.

I loved this paragraph : When they were older, but still young, they were enemies. The children who played together grew apart, and only bitter anger and pain was left. The days blended together, a minuet of sarcasm and hurtful lies. A surrounding coldness, that only memories could thaw, even just for a moment. That's lovely

[delicatelight]

Thanks so much for the comments. I will definitely be taking some of your suggestions. I wondered if the change of tenses was jarring, I had a feeling it was, but I wanted to try it. I'm not sure if this will grow into anything, or if I'll just keep it the way it is. I suppose it depends on whether I'm inspired or not. Again, thanks so much. I don't have a beta reader, so I need all the help I can get!

[mastermia]

I am glad that my comments were helpful. If you want me to read anything else, I would be happy to.

[leesh_17]

The days blended together, a minuet of sarcasm and hurtful lies.

Is the 6th word in the sentence above supposed to be the word 'minute?'

[delicatelight]

Nope, it's supposed to be minuet.