Cute, fizzy, and fluff-tastic! My only advice is to either do your own housecleaning on some grammatical hiccups (i.e. tense changes) and typos or get a beta to do that icky stuff for you. And, this is a weird complaint and it's probably just because I'm aged, but the font is a bit hard to read. If you're going to leave it small, you might want to use a hard return between paragraphs and lines of dialogue. All that mushing together is hard on these old eyes ;) Other than those little sticky spots, the plot was LoVe-ly, the pacing was even, and your voices weren't that OOC. I hope to hear more from you :D
Thank you for your honest review. Tenses have always been a problem for me with fiction. I will try to clean that up myself. I'm glad you thought the flow was good, and the voices, I'm always most concerned with that so grammar takes a back seat. I think I've reworked the font right now.
I would have written back sooner, but Logan would not stop talking to me until I finished my other story.
Firstly, let me apologize for the unconscionable delay. Thanksgiving was busy and I got home to some personal drama that kept me from having the time to do a complete job. I am so sorry that you had to wait and I hope you find my comments helpful if you have not gotten any other feedback.
Congrats on finishing your first VM fanfic. I know how difficult it is to jump into a new fandom and I congratulate you on finishing. That is the first step!
Some basic grammar pointers first. Spaces between paragraphs and spoken dialog make the piece easier to read. Also, every sentence needs to end with punctuation, even those within quotes. Here are two examples.
She owed him that. “Goodnight, Logan.” “Okay. Good Night V,” He turned to walk down the steps. The other thing to consider is how spoken dialog sounds to the reader. You want them to get a feel for the characters speech patterns and emotions though their words. Your dialog often doesn’t sound like something a real person would actually say. It reads as awkward and wordy
( ... )
Changing verb tense is another thing that can distract a reader. Most of the piece is in past tense. As he passed the guest room and spied young Lilly sleeping there, he walked in and watched her for a moment. And then later in the piece you switch to present. He picks up the remote control and points it at his sound system, switching from the song was playing. With that said, one thing to remember is that if you are doing flashbacks to something to purposefully show a different time then changing tense can be very effective.
A really good grammar beta can help you with most of these issues. But I hope this gives you a few things to look for while you are writing.
Another area that is difficult to nail down when you are trying a new fandom is character voice. The characters need to sound like themselves, but also be true to the characters we know. You state that He smiled meekly at her letting the newer, non abrasive, friend-to-all Logan slip back into place. While I find the idea that Logan has worked on himself to be
( ... )
I think you have a great idea here. What would happen if several years in the future, after their relationship had matured into friendship, Duncan came back? I love Alicia and Keith and would like to see what effect them getting back together has on Wallace. And I think that Mac and Dick might work, if it were fleshed out because they both do understand more than anyone else what it is like to lose the Cassidy they thought they knew.
There were several parts that I really liked. When you simplify your sentences they can be quite powerful and effective and some very true character bits.
Logan couldn’t help himself but choke the words out; he had always believed in her, in them, he just never really received the right confirmation from her. This is Logan in a nutshell. It was usually him giving and her shutting him out.
Sitting up she turned and saw 10:30 glaring back at her from his night table. Great, and very funny.
She was burning up, and yet goose bumps were forming up and down her arms. Very descriptive.
Re: Part ThreemacollyDecember 7 2006, 22:17:01 UTC
I am absolutely flattered that you took the time to give me constructive criticsm. I really do appreciate it. I know I am an absolute disaster with grammar, always been my downfall, give me a math problem and I'll tear into it and solve it in no time. Putting a comma properly in a sentence, not so much. I'm hoping to strengthen that particular weakness, seeing as I'm not really needing to do Math problems since I've been out of college for quite a few years now.
And I really take to heart the charcter/story developement comments, because I don't particulary like reading stories that are out of character myself, and therefore wouldn't want to write them either. So again thank you very much
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My only advice is to either do your own housecleaning on some grammatical hiccups (i.e. tense changes) and typos or get a beta to do that icky stuff for you. And, this is a weird complaint and it's probably just because I'm aged, but the font is a bit hard to read. If you're going to leave it small, you might want to use a hard return between paragraphs and lines of dialogue. All that mushing together is hard on these old eyes ;)
Other than those little sticky spots, the plot was LoVe-ly, the pacing was even, and your voices weren't that OOC.
I hope to hear more from you :D
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I would have written back sooner, but Logan would not stop talking to me until I finished my other story.
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Beta comments to follow after I stuff myself on Turkey.
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Congrats on finishing your first VM fanfic. I know how difficult it is to jump into a new fandom and I congratulate you on finishing. That is the first step!
Some basic grammar pointers first. Spaces between paragraphs and spoken dialog make the piece easier to read. Also, every sentence needs to end with punctuation, even those within quotes. Here are two examples.
She owed him that. “Goodnight, Logan.”
“Okay. Good Night V,” He turned to walk down the steps. The other thing to consider is how spoken dialog sounds to the reader. You want them to get a feel for the characters speech patterns and emotions though their words. Your dialog often doesn’t sound like something a real person would actually say. It reads as awkward and wordy ( ... )
Reply
A really good grammar beta can help you with most of these issues. But I hope this gives you a few things to look for while you are writing.
Another area that is difficult to nail down when you are trying a new fandom is character voice. The characters need to sound like themselves, but also be true to the characters we know. You state that He smiled meekly at her letting the newer, non abrasive, friend-to-all Logan slip back into place. While I find the idea that Logan has worked on himself to be ( ... )
Reply
There were several parts that I really liked. When you simplify your sentences they can be quite powerful and effective and some very true character bits.
Logan couldn’t help himself but choke the words out; he had always believed in her, in them, he just never really received the right confirmation from her. This is Logan in a nutshell. It was usually him giving and her shutting him out.
Sitting up she turned and saw 10:30 glaring back at her from his night table. Great, and very funny.
She was burning up, and yet goose bumps were forming up and down her arms. Very descriptive.
She choked ( ... )
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And I really take to heart the charcter/story developement comments, because I don't particulary like reading stories that are out of character myself, and therefore wouldn't want to write them either. So again thank you very much
Cheers
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I suck at grammar, but I am much worse at math. Able to solve math problems is impressive! I am sure that you will get the hang of commas in no time!
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