Fic The End of Fear is Where We Begin

[macolly]

Title: The End of Fear is Where We Begin
Author:  macolly

Pairing/Characters:  Lo/Ve / Logan,Keith,Veronica, a little Wallace
Word Count: ~3800
Rating: M/R Because Wallace says a very bad word
Summary: Keith spies a drunken Logan in a bar.
SPoilers: Season Three to date
Warnings: None it's complete fluff.
Disclaimer:  This is the part where I say its not

Comments

[delicatelight]

I thought this was pretty good. You definitely have the bones of a good story here. There were a lot of grammatical errors, though. You might want to try and get a regular beta reader. (Believe me, it helps a lot.) I liked the way you showed a foundation between Logan and Wallace, and subsequently, one forming between him and Keith. Logan needs someone in his life that he can depend on, and sadly, Veronica isn't it right now. Also, I totally agreed with the way you described Piz acting about his date with V. I think that's exactly what he would do. This was a good read, so keep up the good work!

[macolly]

Thank you for your candor, I really appreciate it. I am hoping to eventually learn to spot grammar errors myself, it is definately my handicap :(

[delicatelight]

I'm glad to help. And the grammar thing? That's a lot of people's handicap, including mine! If you need someone to read anything else, I'd be happy to help.

Part One

[mastermia]

I really liked this piece! Your Keith voice is great and I found the dialog and characterization to be much improved.

I saw the same grammar issues. Dialog without punctuation at the end of the sentence and some sentences that could use commas. Look out for the same things I pointed out in the previous fic.
Mr. Mars, I’ll agree with you that most of the time, and to most of the world, that Logan is the biggest Jackass ever. Aside from his past, I’ll tell you that in the last eight to ten months or so, he’s really tried to change.
“Yes Dear,” he’s feigning knowledge of any kind.
“I didn’t plan to, I love ‘V’ like a sister, I really do, but sometimes she is infuriating when she doesn’t want to hear she’s wrong. And V does not need to be in quotes.
After depositing Logan on Veronica’s bed, Keith goes into the kitchen and grabs his first aid kit, and another icepack, and some Motrin. In a series, only the last item has an and. Also, the last comma (before the and) is generally not used.

Because that was the impression I had

Part Two

[mastermia]

Some other characterization thoughts - I am not sure that I could see Keith taking Logan home and plopping him on Veronica’s bed. However, in the framework of your story, you did make it work. And I think that was because you showed me Keith’s inner thoughts and I was able to go along for the ride. You can do anything with characters as long as you make the reality you are creating work for your reader, and in this case you did a great job.

Your Veronica, though, is a little tougher. I find it hard to believe that she did not react at all to Keith telling her he knew about the rape. Also, their relationship is more about what is not said. I would like to feel her struggle a little more at sharing what she did with her father. It seems a little too easy perhaps and if it felt earned then the emotional payoff would be much higher.

Word choice is another thing to consider. The bar tender notices what has gotten Keith’s attention. The bartender noticing who had caught Keith’s attention might sound a little less awkward.

Part Three

[mastermia]

Some parts that I really liked included:

“I’m fine really; I don’t need any more Mars’s obliging themselves to me out of guilt and nothing more. Thanks, but no thanks. I have a plan worked out with the bar tender.” Great dialog! It is clear, shows great grasp of the character and I could hear Logan speaking the words.

Not here alone in a non-descript bar with nary a friend or floozy in sight. I loved this. So true and funny and something the Keith might notice.

Doesn’t ever want to talk either, just tilts her angelic head, bats her eyes and occupies me in other ways.” Again, spot on voice.

Keith’s Adam-apple takes a rough bob as he swallows to consider his next words closely. Great description.

And although his logic begins to kick in that Logan wasn’t fighting back, and it’s all a twisted ploy to goad Keith in to hurting him, it isn’t until he hears another familiar voice that he lets up. Great use of commas and a strong visual.

“The kid with the bad hair?” Keith clarifies, and Wallace nods. Ha!

As he drives home he

Re: Part Three

[macolly]

Thank you once again, I felt I improved, and am glad that it showed. I really am gracious for your remarks on my content, characterization, and context, I can completely see what I am losing. I hope restructure, and post again. Of course now my little muse is scratching at a different story.

Also where is this list of willing grammar betas? However, I like your honesty with context, and hope that I can turn to you on those matters. If too many story writers are seeking your service, well I can absolutely understand that.

Cheers

Re: Part Three

[mastermia]

Hi,

You certainly did improve and it showed. Congrats. I look forward to seeing your revised piece. And if your muse is that active, take advantage of it. Mine went to Tahiti a while ago and I have not seen her in ages.

The editors rotate here at vm_betas so what you post here could be reviewed by any of us. If there is something specific that you want me to beta you can e-mail me at mastermia[ @ ] livejournal [dot] com with vm_beta as a subject line.