the aftermath
So it's been a few days and unfortunately it wasn't all as calm as it should be.
I'm trying desperately to keep busy and am finding that I have to employ 'STOP' therapy quite often (that's when you start to think about the person/break-up/or anything to do with it, like thinking...what if I'd done this or that - you say STOP audibly and start actively thinking of something else. It works and eventually you don't need to do it anymore because your life harmonises itself and time heals.)
This blog is going to be the last one that I mention the relationship or her - part of my stop therapy, until such time as I'm ok and she's ok and maybe we're friends one day (that sounds like such a cheesy lyric don't you think?).
What happened after last monday...
I'm sitting at my sister's house right now on a bank-holiday Monday and I'm doing this blog here because I need to be around people to do this so I can apply my STOP therapy as soon as this has been posted.
Tuesday I did the typical checking her profile on IC to see if she was online or posting. And there it was - as I was about to leave - a new weblog. I checked it and went into a full blown panic attack. She'd posted a very detailed version of a play session with B (someone she'd played with a few times before - and there were issues for me because he was new, wasn't as safe as I would have liked him to be and also he never got in touch with me. If anyone vaguely upset or disrespected R(her husband) she would rip their arms off and make it right, however no matter how much it upset me that B hadn't got in touch, not for permission or anything, but just to say hi and this is who I am and what I'm about and she'll be totally safe with me. She would defend him by saying he was shy or that his dyslexia stopped him from doing it. That just bloody hurt - simple as that. I felt (wrongly of course) that she didn't care about me but the truth is that between the two of them both being new - they didn't understand the damage they were doing so that's the backstory - and probably the reason we split up because that is what was making me so bitterly unhappy and that is what she felt so guilty about *shrug*)
The writing was exquisite as usual but there were things in there that I felt were digs at me - even though they probably weren't - it was just what she wrote that struck a chord with me. She'd written that her exgirlfriend (me) had encouraged her to carry on writing and that she would honour this by posting - I guess she knew how deep the information was she would be posting and needed to give herself justification? Regardless the things that hurt were that she said (paraphrased of course) at last she could play without feeling guilty. There were other things more personal including snogging, access to various parts, and the bruising - that was a thing that killed the most. The 'mark' of a good play. The last play her and I had she hardly had any bruising at all and I was gutted - she ended her weblog by saying - what an amazing play and you should see my bruises.
Yes I went off the deep end and I did what I KNEW I shouldn't have - I tried to get in touch with her. Called her mobile her landline and left messages. It was pathetic - if you were watching from the fly's point of view. There I was, a grown woman, cut and bleeding and running around in a full blown panic attack not knowing what to do. Eventually she sent me a text message and that is the exchange that happened in the previous post. So let's move on...
8pm I get home and call Beady telling him that Linda (a friend he introduced me to) was coming over to do some EFT (emotional freedom technique) and some cleansing (L is a pagan and I needed to 'remove' her from my life, her way - Linda is also a pagan, as is Beady so it was all supported). I told Linda everything, she needed to know the relationship between L and R and me and R and L and B etc etc etc - then I told her about the post I'd read and as a member of IC she accessed it and read it too. While she was reading it I got a call from a friend of mine who is also on IC and she told me she'd seen the post and had sent a memo to L saying that she thought it was very insensitive to post something like that so soon after we'd ended our relationship (it had only been a week!). When my friend told me this I was worried that it had damaged any chance L and I had to salvage a friendship. And then she told me that L had replied very angrily saying that she didn't know the whole story (I later found out that she'd said some other things too which is just out of character for L - I can only hope that she was replying on impulse and in time this too will blow over.) I was beside myself but needed to go back upstairs to do the cleansing with Linda.
This was about 9:30pm...
Linda had the details and had seen what she needed to see - I'd taken EVERYTHING that had any link or connotation to L and brought it into the massage room. Linda lit Myrrh, and a few other incense sticks and I burned Myrrh, Frankinsense and Sage and we passed everything through the incense. The things that could be burned we put aside and the things that I wanted to keep (cards and things she'd sent me that I loved) would go into a memory box, the rest would be left in the room to cleanse and then I could wash and wear them again after 24 hours.
I took the memory box and said goodbye to the things inside it and put it away, hidden at the back of a cupboard I don't go into everyday and even if I do, I can't see the box.
Then around 11:30pm we went outside to do the burning of the stuff - the most important bit for me was the cane I named after her - it had to go, and it did. We were out there burning for ages. So many things that just needed to be gone out of my house. The plan was to throw the ashes out (NOT into my garden) when it had all cooled down.
We went back upstairs around 12:15ish and started the EFT which was good and releasing.
I asked Linda to stay with me while I moved the photo's and stuff which had been cleansing in the room on the datastick onto my laptop. She then told me to log onto IC and go check L's profile - just to see how I was reacting to the EFT because one of the areas we'd identified as a panic trigger was her IC profile. I logged on, went to the profile and all the information had been removed! There was hardly anything there - just the basic info, location, gender etc, and the posts she'd made on threads. ALL her weblogs had been removed....She'd cleared it all, but maintained her profile.
Both Linda and I were astounded and we called Beady to let him know - this was about 1am Wednesday morning. So either more than one person had contacted her, or the memo from my friend(well actually OUR friend - this person is someone we both rated highly and she us)had triggered something in her. The thing that had amused me most was that so many of the arguements L and I had were around my tactlessness and the one thing that was so important to L was to be sensitive and thoughtfull and not hurt anyone intentionally...yet she did this...
She knew what she was doing, but I don't think she understood the implication or impact it would have.
Wednesday I was totally shattered and also on Thursday - but I joined Slimming World none-the-less even though I'd not eaten anything substantial since the 19th. Friday I went to the London Munch and Linda came to hold my hand - not that I needed it to be honest, it was just amazing to have the support and love of my friends on the scene. I'd met with Alex for lunch on Friday too and went through the whole thing - I asked her to get my dvd's back from L because I need not to have something tying me to her while I'm trying to heal. I hope that she doesn't see this as being malicious or hurtful, but just something that is important for me to do.
So the hope is that I will be able to stop torturing myself and checking her profile (am not that good at that but it's getting less - September will be a new month with a new start) That was the other thing that cut so deeply - the title of her weblog - A new beginning. How could she begin so soon after we had ended - I hadn't even began to process the ending...I'm sitting here typing this now and I can feel the tears - I'm tired of crying but I'm not going to hold them back - they need to get out.
I hope that she will stay down in her area and not come up to the areas I am in, well not until we're ok. What is it going to be like the first time we see each other - I have no idea and frankly the thought terrifies me. Am I going to want to hug her and tell her how much I've missed my friend - or am I going to fall apart - or even be so shocked that I'll be cold and hurtful? It's going to happen at somepoint, but I hope not for a while - I just couldn't cope with it right now. My heart is so bruised and battered and I need time to get better...
She did forward the memo my friend sent to her on to me and I did reply to it - saying that I was honouring her wishes not to be contacted but that I could not take responsibility for the actions of others, and that had I known she was going to send the memo, I'd have asked her not to - so there it is.
I've been in touch with some friends to help with all of this - to make sure she's ok and also that we are kept apart for long enough.
So that's it really - I'm still struggling with anxiety prickles all up my back, arms and head but it will all go eventually - it did with Ali and that was horrible.
At least I know that at some point she did really love me and I her - so from here on in we move on...
The only way I know how to do this is that there is no Lucy - that's the last time I'll type that name (until it's ok of course).
I am tired and I hurt - it will get better and I will not try to make it anything that it isn't...
Tomorrow is the 1st September - I can't wait until the end of it - exams will be over and maybe I'll be a little less hurt