(no subject)
Gil Greywolf
as you wish.
Kori Gilliam Adams
I'm sorry Gil, but this is how I function, which isn't well, or normal, but it's the only way I've ever known. You clearly can't take it, so I relieved you of my presence. I wish you happiness, and I hold no ill will or feelings toward you.
Gil Greywolf
not true Kori, I can take just about anything, but its not my habit to push people to the edge, I don't know you well enough to think I would be doing more good then harm. I am concerned for you however, if you want to vent feel free to do so. and you don't have to apologise, I did not take it personally.
Kori Gilliam Adams
I've learned by now that telling people what is bothering me has never helped me. I was in therapy for 15 years, a completely fruitless exercise. Thank you for the offer though, you obviously have a kind heart.
Gil Greywolf
I am truly sorry that venting doesn't help you like it would me, I can remember my twenties, lost in a decade long binge, confused about life, love and living. I would still like to keep you as a friend regardless of your troubles. You are an inteligent young woman and I have confidence you will find your way through this Kori.
Kori Gilliam Adams
That's the thing. I don't want to make it through this.
I'm so fucking tired, Gil, i'm so tired
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. most people can't handle this.
Gil Greywolf
I was there once, the only thing that worked for me was a total change of my situation, sold everything I could not take with me and hit the road, went from Georgia ended up in LA, eventually ended up in Tucson of all places....Kori I have been through the wringer multiple times.
In fact I am tired of my life now, but I refuse to give up or to stop learning, something will come along, it always does...
Kori Gilliam Adams
I don't want to bring you down, but I know things will get better. And then everything good will be ripped away from me and I'll be bereft of joy for who knows how long once again. It's a fucking roller coaster of pain and depression and loss and the ride is wearing me out.
Gil Greywolf
don't give up Kori eventually there will come a time when the joy will stay, I know that sounds stupid, but for me it has been true, I am 51 years old and dealing with physical pain everyday for the last 15 years, I face it every morning, well do I know that roller coaster you speak of, while I am tired of many things in my life, I am not unhappy, that also sounds rather stupid but its true.
Gil Greywolf
brb time for a smoke (outside, my room mate doesn't smoke)
Kori Gilliam Adams
I don't think it sounds stupid. I'm legitimately happy for you. You found a way to overlook the repetitive, painful monotony of life and still remain happy. That is truly an accomplishment you can be proud of
No problem
Gil Greywolf
Thank you Kori, it took some doing, mostly rethinking and adapting, thats where friends come in to the picture
and it took 2 decades to come to that frame of mind, 2 hard, frustrating decades.
I believe everyone can accomplish this as well, but it takes a lot of effort.
Kori Gilliam Adams
That's the problem. I push my friends away, most of the time subconsciously. Soon, I won't have anyone left.... which is something I want and fear at the same time
Gil Greywolf
have you figured out why you want to do both at the same time?
Kori Gilliam Adams
I have a pretty good idea. Part of me wants to be alone. If I'm alone, I can't be hurt. If I'm emotionally shut down, no one will ever get close enough to hurt me. On the other hand, I pathetically want to be loved, I want human contact. Damned human needs.
Gil Greywolf
Kori those are very normal, very real needs, but you have the answer already, you just need to find the right people/person, its not easy I know, but in the keeping looking is the eventual striking of gold, whoops sorry, I was prospecting when the bear attacked, which is why I wasn't carrying my rifle, memories good and bad are all anyone has...
Kori Gilliam Adams
My memories are like searing hot knives slicing through my every thought. I feel like killing the pain in any way possible. I think I just may.
Gil Greywolf
have you ever smoked pot?
Kori Gilliam AdamsThat and more.