when you look me in the eyes
title: when you look me in the eyes
pairing: homin
rating: pg
warnings: none
words: 888
canon au (kyhd era)
the photographer said to make it look like they were close for this photoshoot. “you two,” he points at changmin and yunho with his two fingers, “have to show your fans that you’re still strong, if not stronger, with just the two of you, that the bond is even closer. you need to show,” he pauses to find the right word, “the power of what you have left.”
the phrase just the two of us rings in changmin’s head. it’s only me and hyung left, he thinks, only us. he repeats those words in his head, as if it’s january again, not march, and they’re getting ready for their comeback as 2 after more than a year since dbsk’s breakup. the stylists and crew help position them throughout the photoshoot, carefully styling flyaway hairs and readjusting makeup. the set is heavy with hairspray and unspoken tension. changmin hasn’t talked to yunho since management decided to do release the repackage of keep your head down. after the meeting, yunho abruptly left the table, leaving changmin alone in his swivel chair and a cold cup of coffee. he stares at the door yunho left through so hard, he thinks he could bore holes in them and probably the back of yunho’s head. one of the producers pats him on the shoulder sympathetically before leaving. he didn’t want anyone’s pity.
the photographer shouts commands at them, “closer! sit next to each other!” yunho scooches closer until his knees hit changmin’s. “take his hand, changmin-ssi! as if you’re brothers!” the photography motions by clasping his two hands together. so changmin shifts a little on the floor; the white sheet isn’t helping his comfort and he feels like he’s 14 again, trying to reach for untouchable leader, the person he wanted to be, the one he could never be, the one he could never reach. yunho was too busy being the leader of asia’s top pop group, too busy being perfect in front of the cameras, too damn busy to pay attention to little maknae changmin. not so little anymore though. changmin slowly stretches his arm for yunho, but yunho moves to sit in front of changmin and meets his fingers halfway.
changmin admires yunho’s hands, tough from more than 9 years of practice and hardships of raising the band bottom up. yunho’s fingers are soft, changmin notices, the pads smooth from the lotion and the nails polished like diamonds. he lightly plays with the tips of yunho’s fingers, as if they were the delicate glass blown pieces he likes to collect. he focuses on yunho’s hair; it’s soft and brown, and all changmin wants to do is run his fingers through yunho’s hair and tell him they’re going to make it through together, just like he tells himself every night.
and he stares at yunho; how could such a kind and gentle leader be so cold and distant in a time of need. changmin wants yunho to say something, anything, to him. the silence was killing him inside out; he wants to hear yunho laugh and see him cry and he just wants him to do anything that would reassure changmin that he’s human. yunho looks up, and changmin feels like a 5 year old stealing cookies from the jar past bed time. yunho stares at him with such intensity that changmin feels like his thoughts are exposed for yunho to see and throw away. their hands still, but still touching.
changmin doesn’t blink or look away; yunho’s eyes look so sad and so tired, the pupils screaming help and changmin thinks he’s falling into the abyss that are his eyes and falling a little deeper in with the leader who won’t notice him even after 8 long years. changmin studies yunho’s face like his life’s future depends on it; he sees the dark bags under his eyes and the acne scars that speckle his cheeks through the thin layer of concealer and foundation. yunho gives an imperceptible nod, something like, “you alright?” and changmin breaks his stare into yunho’s eyes down to his lips. they’re pink, full, and unchapped, and it’s not fair that his leader, his hyung, can look fine and no one would know what’s going on his head.
yunho notices changmin dropping his gaze down his face and he looks down to their fingers, now crossed together loosely, almost hesitantly. changmin follows suit and he sees his thumb grazing over yunho’s fingers, his knuckles and his ring finger, and his pinky curling into yunho’s. he wants to promise yunho that they can stay strong like they were when they were 5, that changmin is always going to be there for him. he wants to promise his hyung the world, but he knows, in the heart of his hearts, that jung yunho won’t settle for anything less than the universe. changmin knows that he can’t give yunho the universe, nevertheless the rod straight security he needs right now.
he starts off small; in that moment, changmin makes a promise to himself that he won’t let yunho down.
later, maybe, just maybe, he can give yunho everything else.
pt. ii