fic: Background Characters' Guide to Survival (Order of the Stick, G)
Background Characters' Guide to Survival
by volta arovet
a more meta than usual Order of the Stick story
Rating: PG
Warnings: Jokes are based on Japanese culture, explained at the end but I'd rather not explain the punchlines up front on the off chance you do get the jokes
Word count: 500
for Yuletide
"Okay, team," Daigo said, sizing up the recruits. There were only four of them, but at least they seemed to know how to use their weapons--or at least, knew that the non-pointy end was for holding and the pointy end was for sticking. It was better than the last group Kazumi had tried to train. "Let's go over the basics. You!" He pointed at the first in line. "What do you do when faced with a Bullywug?"
"Attack head on, sir. They're easy enough to take out individually, but you should keep an eye out for others so you don't get backstabbed," the recruit said promptly.
"Good. What do you do if faced with a Sea Hag?" Daigo asked, pointing to the second in line.
"Find a spell caster to do the main attack while attempting to disrupt her concentration or lower her resistance," the second said, and paused to think. "Also, for the love of all twelve gods, do not call her a 'Sea Hag' to her face."
Daigo smiled at that. "Very good. You two!" He pointed to the last two. "What do you do when faced with a Kappa?"
The third in line bowed, saying, "Very pleased to meet you," while the fourth pointed at the floor and said, "Hey look! A quarter!"
"Okay, it looks like you know your monster manual, at least. Let's get to work on a few useful flanking and support maneuvers, and then--"
"What does it matter?" the fourth in line burst out. "We're obviously NPCs. We're just here to die to make the bad guys look serious or the good guys look good. Probably off-panel, too," he added. "Like in a news report, or something."
Daigo broke ranks and slung his arm over the recruit's shoulders, tousling his hair a bit. "That's what I used to think, but you know what? Now I've got a name and a beautiful girlfriend and a potential major role in an upcoming subplot, and I realized that there's no such thing as someone who's just around to be cannon-fodder. We're all the main characters of our own campaigns."
The recruit still looked doubtful, but Daigo pressed on.
"I didn't want to bring this out just yet, but I think I have to. Hey, you," he said, nodding at the first in line. "What's your name?"
"Ichiro, sir," he said quickly.
"And you?" Daigo asked the second.
"I'm Jiro."
"Saburo," said the next.
"Sh-Shiro," the fourth said, his voice shaking more than before.
Daigo looked a little green. "Are you four brothers, maybe?" he asked.
"No, sir," Ichiro said.
"I have a little sister, if that helps," Saburo offered.
"Oh dear gods, I'm going to die," Shiro said softly. "I couldn't be more dead if they had named me Deady McDeaderson of the Deadington clan. At least that would be ironic enough to push me back into the 'safe' zone."
"Nobody's going to die," Daigo said firmly. He clapped his hands and stood in front of the four recruits, a serious look in his eyes. "But we are going to skip to what may be the most important lesson in your military career: distinctive facial hair for better background recognition."
***
Notes:
A kappa is a mythical Japanese creature whose head contains an indent for water. It's said that if you bow deeply to it, it will bow in return, spilling the water from its head and incapacitating it. But I always thought "your shoelace is untied" would have worked, as well.
Ichiro, Jiro, Saburo, and Shiro are names for the first, second, third, and fourth born sons in Japanese. They are the laziest names ever. "Shi" in Japanese means "death," more or less, so he really is doomed.
by volta arovet
a more meta than usual Order of the Stick story
Rating: PG
Warnings: Jokes are based on Japanese culture, explained at the end but I'd rather not explain the punchlines up front on the off chance you do get the jokes
Word count: 500
for Yuletide
"Okay, team," Daigo said, sizing up the recruits. There were only four of them, but at least they seemed to know how to use their weapons--or at least, knew that the non-pointy end was for holding and the pointy end was for sticking. It was better than the last group Kazumi had tried to train. "Let's go over the basics. You!" He pointed at the first in line. "What do you do when faced with a Bullywug?"
"Attack head on, sir. They're easy enough to take out individually, but you should keep an eye out for others so you don't get backstabbed," the recruit said promptly.
"Good. What do you do if faced with a Sea Hag?" Daigo asked, pointing to the second in line.
"Find a spell caster to do the main attack while attempting to disrupt her concentration or lower her resistance," the second said, and paused to think. "Also, for the love of all twelve gods, do not call her a 'Sea Hag' to her face."
Daigo smiled at that. "Very good. You two!" He pointed to the last two. "What do you do when faced with a Kappa?"
The third in line bowed, saying, "Very pleased to meet you," while the fourth pointed at the floor and said, "Hey look! A quarter!"
"Okay, it looks like you know your monster manual, at least. Let's get to work on a few useful flanking and support maneuvers, and then--"
"What does it matter?" the fourth in line burst out. "We're obviously NPCs. We're just here to die to make the bad guys look serious or the good guys look good. Probably off-panel, too," he added. "Like in a news report, or something."
Daigo broke ranks and slung his arm over the recruit's shoulders, tousling his hair a bit. "That's what I used to think, but you know what? Now I've got a name and a beautiful girlfriend and a potential major role in an upcoming subplot, and I realized that there's no such thing as someone who's just around to be cannon-fodder. We're all the main characters of our own campaigns."
The recruit still looked doubtful, but Daigo pressed on.
"I didn't want to bring this out just yet, but I think I have to. Hey, you," he said, nodding at the first in line. "What's your name?"
"Ichiro, sir," he said quickly.
"And you?" Daigo asked the second.
"I'm Jiro."
"Saburo," said the next.
"Sh-Shiro," the fourth said, his voice shaking more than before.
Daigo looked a little green. "Are you four brothers, maybe?" he asked.
"No, sir," Ichiro said.
"I have a little sister, if that helps," Saburo offered.
"Oh dear gods, I'm going to die," Shiro said softly. "I couldn't be more dead if they had named me Deady McDeaderson of the Deadington clan. At least that would be ironic enough to push me back into the 'safe' zone."
"Nobody's going to die," Daigo said firmly. He clapped his hands and stood in front of the four recruits, a serious look in his eyes. "But we are going to skip to what may be the most important lesson in your military career: distinctive facial hair for better background recognition."
***
Notes:
A kappa is a mythical Japanese creature whose head contains an indent for water. It's said that if you bow deeply to it, it will bow in return, spilling the water from its head and incapacitating it. But I always thought "your shoelace is untied" would have worked, as well.
Ichiro, Jiro, Saburo, and Shiro are names for the first, second, third, and fourth born sons in Japanese. They are the laziest names ever. "Shi" in Japanese means "death," more or less, so he really is doomed.