View From The Outside (oneshot)

[voltagequeen]

Title: View From The Outside
Pairings: Jongkey, friend!Taekey
Rating: R
Genre: Angst
Word count: 4,000ish
Summary: A look at Jonghyun and Key's relationship...from a much different point of view.
A/N: This is the first fic I've written for the SHINee fandom. I'm pretty nervous about posting this, but also really excited! Enjoy.

Also, I had this song playing on repeat for practically the whole time I was writing this. If you want an audio representation of the mood for this fic, this is pretty much it:

Click to view

The first occurrence was practically non-existent. It was so subtle that I didn’t even register it until a few hours later. A hand running down a back, two hidden smiles, the glint in their eyes.

Had I imagined it? I certainly thought I did. I let the moment fade out of my memory after a short while, the nagging suspicion drifting from my thoughts.

***

The second time was much more notable. It was early in the morning; so early that it was still dark out. I had woken up thirsty and was on my way into the kitchen when I heard soft voices coming from the second bedroom. I had tip-toed quietly up to the door, pressing my ear lightly against the cold wood. The voices were hushed, but not enough so that I couldn’t hear anything. I caught a few words here and there, bits and pieces of the conversation filtering through the door.

No, I’m not tired, are you?
...make me some breakfast?

I had barely heard the stifled giggle.

…yes I’ll make you breakfast.

Silence for a few moments, and then:

Should we wake them up?
...not yet, in a few minutes…

It was then that I had taken my ear off of the door. As I headed back to my room, I couldn’t help but feel a little confused. Clearly it was Key and Jonghyun talking. Was the fact that they were talking in the early morning unusual? Of course not. Was the fact that Jonghyun was in the wrong bedroom unusual? A little.

***

By the third incident, I had thought I was going crazy. Was I really the only one noticing these things, or did the others notice too and choose not to mention it, just as I was? Probably the former. Being the youngest, you tend to do a lot more observing than the rest of the members. It’s a habit that I had developed from early on; sitting on the sidelines and watching them interact had become a sort of hobby for me. So, it was very likely that the others weren’t aware; in fact, I was almost certain of it. Minho would have made a joke about it sooner or later, and Onew definitely would have brought it up.

However, they didn’t. Out of fear, I kept it to myself. The suspicion, the hunches, the intuition.

We had just come offstage. Everyone was congratulating each other, emotions were on high, and the atmosphere was thick with relief and satisfaction. I had watched out of the corner of my eyes as Key rested his forehead on Jonghyun’s shoulder, the tears still slowly trickling from his eyes. It was an emotional moment for all of us, so I didn’t think much of the gesture.

But, just as I was about to look away, Jonghyun reached an arm up to rub his hand softly against Key’s back. Key’s head had moved hastily off of his shoulder, his face turning slightly as his lips met the side of Jonghyun’s neck. An instant later and he was moving away from him, a small smile playing at his lips. I had swiftly shifted my gaze to the other two members, hoping that they had seen the interaction. They hadn’t. Once again, I was forced to keep these discoveries to myself.

***

It doesn’t faze me now. It’s become such a normal part of my life that I don’t even second-guess myself anymore. The meaningful glances, the excessive skinship, the inside jokes…it’s all so obvious. I no longer mind that the others don’t notice. In fact, I prefer it. How would they react, I wonder? It would obviously have an effect on the band, there’s no debate about that. Our manager would have to get involved, and there’s no doubt that the fans would find out about it. It’s not the kind of situation that can be ignored by the public.

There have been a few times when I thought for sure that the others were catching on. The most memorable was a couple months ago.
We had all been fake-wrestling in the dorm to let off some steam after practice. Everybody took their turns fighting with each other, and it was all in good fun. That is, until Key and Jonghyun had their turn. They started out fine, joking around and laughing as they attempted to pin one another against the floor. The other members and I had sat around them in a circle, pounding our fists against the carpet, shouting directions at them.

Then, Key had suddenly gotten the upper hand, pinning down Jonghyun hard by his shoulders. He was perched right over him, his legs on either side of Jonghyun’s torso. They had both froze, looking at each other with dark eyes. The room had turned silent as they continued to stare, their breath coming in fast pants because of the physical exertion.

With eyes wide, I had watched as Jonghyun’s pants began to tent slowly between the two of them. My eyes had flicked over to Onew and Minho, who were both observing the scene with confused looks plastered across their faces.

Quick as a flash, Key was off of him and sitting back on the couch, his hands running distractedly through his hair. Jonghyun had pushed himself slowly off of the floor, and then proceeded to walk into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. After a prolonged silence broken only by the sound of running water from the other room, Key finally left the couch and went to shut himself in his room.

My heart had been beating frantically in my chest out of fear as to what would come next. It was in that exact moment when I realized that maybe I didn’t WANT the others to find out, after all. I sat there on that carpet, staring down at my palms while silently praying that they would just brush it off; forget all about it. I had felt my body practically slump with relief when Onew had sighed and muttered, “…hormones.”

From that moment on, I have done everything in my power to keep their “thing” (or whatever it is) a secret to the world. The fans have their suspicions of course, but they have their suspicions about practically everybody. If only they knew how right they were; if only they knew how much of it that I keep in check. If I see them getting particularly cozy in the car, I’ll distract the others so they won’t notice. If something questionable is said on a variety show, I’ll play it off by adding my own anecdote to the story and making it less obvious. If I know that they’re off in a room together, I’ll have Onew and Minho play games with me in the living room. If they start getting too friendly on stage, I’ll casually butt in between them. It’s become incredibly tiring, yes, but it’s so worth it.

Their relationship is, to me, one of the most genuine things I have ever witnessed. I can see it in their eyes; in their body language. I can hear it in the tones that they talk to each other with. I can feel it in the air when they’re together. I find myself feeling unusually giddy when they hug; I feel my heart swell with emotion whenever they smile at each other from across a room.

My feelings towards them are hard to explain. They’re part envy, part happiness, part satisfaction, part anxiety, and part hope.

If anything happens to them, if anybody besides me realizes what’s going on...my stomach lurches at the thought. I want their relationship to remain forever how it is; pure, happy, naïve, fresh, promising…

***

For the third night in a row, I’m lying wide awake in bed, listening to the sounds of soft moaning permeating through the thin walls of our dorm. Fortunately, I’m the lightest sleeper out of the group, so Minho doesn’t wake up to the sounds like I do. Onew is out somewhere else tonight, recording for some kind of show that’s going to air next month. Jonghyun had gotten out of his bed at around 1 am and tip-toed quietly over to Key and Onew’s room. I’m sure he thought everyone was already asleep.

It didn’t take long until the sounds had started.

It never does.

I keep myself awake until it’s silent again, making sure that Minho doesn’t wake up and hear them.

I saw them last night. Purely by accident, of course. I had waited until I the noises were done, and then quietly made my way to the bathroom on the other end of the hall. Their door had been open by a crack. I slid alongside the wall, making sure that they couldn’t catch me walking by. Though to be honest, they probably wouldn’t have cared, seeing as how focused they were on the task at hand.

From my vantage point, I could see Key sitting on the edge of his bunk, his legs spread wide open. His back was facing the door, so it took a couple moments before I noticed Jonghyun in front of him, the top of his head only visible for a split second before it ducked down again….and again…and again. I watched as his hands slowly trailed up and down Key’s thighs, making the younger one hum in appreciation. Key’s head snapped up toward the ceiling, his face screwed up in a look of complete and utter bliss.

I could just make out the sheen of sweat on Key’s neck. His chest heaved as soft whimpers fell from his lips. His rested his shaky hand on Jonghyun’s head, is fingers tugging gently on the singer’s hair. I could practically feel their heat through the door.

I held my breath as Key had whispered, “not so fast, I want it to enjoy it tonight…”

There was a distinct popping sound, and then Jonghyun’s voice filled the room. “What, like you don’t enjoy it every other night?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Of course I do.”

I could barely hear the moaning over the sound of my beating heart. As much as I knew I should have gone back to the room, I couldn’t look away. It was mesmerizing. The way Key had grabbed Jongyun’s hand and sucked vigorously on his fingertips, the way Jonghyun knew exactly which spots to hit to make Key lose control, it was all so fascinating. Fascinating and hot. Incredibly hot.

After a while, Jonghyun got off of his knees and moved to situate himself so that he was straddling Key’s lap. I had taken that moment to turn away from the door and head back to my bed. There are some things that should be kept private, and that was definitely one of them.

***

It’s a week after the aforementioned event when I wake up with an odd feeling in my stomach. Sometimes you just know when something is off; there’s no other way to explain it. It’s as if the atmosphere around you has changed, causing everything to be just the slightest bit off-balance.

I sit up quickly in my bed and race to flick on the light in our room. Everybody is here. Jonghyun is sleeping soundlessly on the bed next to mine, while is Minho turning fitfully in his sleep in the bunk atop mine. I turn back the light back off and head down the hall to the other bedroom. The door is wide open, and the sunlight streaming in through the open window shows two shadowy forms sleeping in their respective beds.

I walk to the bathroom and stare at my sleepy expression, combing out my hair while I attempt to shake the feeling that keeps pressing itself against my mind. After my hair is done, I splash my face repeatedly with freezing water until my face is numb from the cold. I brush my teeth, take a quick shower, change my clothes…but nothing will get the annoying inkling out of my brain.

It’s not until an hour later, when everybody is up and about, that I realize what’s wrong.

I pass Jonghyun while he’s on his way to the bathroom. The first thing I notice is his eyes. They’re incredibly red and puffy, obviously from crying. I feel a jolt down in my stomach at the sight, and I immediately reach out a hand to set on his shoulder.

“Hey, is everything alright?” I try to make my voice sound as casual as possible.

“I just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, it’s fine.” He rubs hard at his eyes with the palms of his hands.

“Why not?”
“I don’t know, Taemin. I just didn’t. Everything’s fine, just leave it.” He doesn’t sound mad. He sounds exhausted; vulnerable. I let him walk past me and shut the bathroom door behind himself.

When I walk into the kitchen, I find Onew and Key eating cereal at the table. They’re both silent as they chew, but it’s two completely different types of silence. Onew has obviously just woken up, his eyes still droopy from sleep, his limbs relaxed and limp. Key sits perfectly still in his chair, his face ducked down so that it’s practically resting in his bowl. His position looks rigid and forced. He chews each spoonful of cereal for much too long. His eyes are glazed over, his mouth in a permanent frown. I can practically feel the sadness radiating from his body.

I don’t even bother asking him if something is wrong. What do I expect? That he’ll confess everything to me? Not a chance. There’s no point. So instead, I sit down at the table and reach for the box of cheerios, pretending that everything is fine.

***

From that day on, things begin to unravel.

Jonghyun doesn’t get up in the middle of the night anymore. His presence in the room at night doesn’t feel right. No matter how many times I check, his bed is always occupied. It leaves an aching feeling deep inside my chest every time I see it, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I don’t care.

Key has never been good at hiding his emotions. He wakes up in the morning with a frown on his face, and stays in a sour mood all day. In car rides, he’s barely noticeable. Who was once the most outgoing and vivacious member in the group is now the most detached. I notice that he writes in his diary a lot more than he did previously. I would do anything to see his thoughts right now. I contemplate stealing the diary and reading it one night, but it would only make me feel awful afterwards. If Key wants to talk, he’ll talk.

Even though I feel as if there’s nothing I can do, I still do my best to help. As I pass by Key in the hall one day, I notice his eyes are puffy. I touch my hand to his shoulder lightly, gently rubbing it in a soothing motion.

“If you ever want to talk to someone, I’m here to listen.” I don’t usually say things like this to anyone, so I’m not surprised by the shock on his face.

He looks as if he’s about to say something, but the words never pass his lips. He nods blindly at the floor, and then continues on his way to the kitchen.

That night, I wake up from a bad dream and, like usual, I quickly look to see if Jonghyun is in his bed. To my surprise, he isn’t. I quickly jump out of bed, nearly running across the room to press my ear against the wall. I feel happy anticipation creeping up my spine as I listen for the sounds of their laughter, or maybe even their hushed moans.

Instead, I hear the distinct sound of crying filtering through the paper-thin wall. It’s impossible to tell who it is, though I suspect that it’s both, judging by the frequency of the quiet sobbing. I slide down the wall and sit on the floor, an icy feeling spreading throughout my body as I listen to their weeping.

I feel a tight pinch in between my eyes, and I don’t even realize I’m crying until the first tear slides down my cheek. I wipe it away slowly, wishing that I could show them how much their happiness means to me. Wishing I could tell them to stop whatever is going on. Wishing to tell them they can get through it. Wishing I could tell them that they’re perfect for each other.

After 30 minutes passes, silence takes over. Shortly after that, I hear a door opening, footsteps falling lightly in the hall. I spring up with a jolt, getting back into my bed before Jonghyun comes in. When he does, he shuffles directly over to his bed, laying down on it with a pained sigh.

I fall asleep to the sound of his wet sniffling. The sound seems to echo in the small room, his strangled breathing sounding as if it’s right next to my ear.

***

Over the course of the next few days, I develop a bad stomach bug. I can’t keep any of my food down, and I feel nauseous constantly. I feel like absolute shit, but some good does come out of it. Onew and Minho are both off doing different schedules during the day, so that leaves Jonghyun and Key as the ones to take care of me.

I can tell that they’re trying to be friendly towards each other in front of me, but they aren’t fooling anyone. The difference in their behavior between now and how it was before is so obvious. They don’t sneak looks, they don’t touch each other, they don’t tease. They used to be attached at the hip, but now it feels as if there’s a vast space between them, no matter how physically close they get. Their conversations are tense and heavy with hidden emotion.

The longer I observe them, the lower my stomach sinks. I feel like shaking them by the shoulders, telling them to get the fuck over it, whatever it is.

But I don’t. I lay quietly on the couch, my facial expression remaining neutral and uninterested.

My stomach gets worse throughout the day, almost to the point where I forget about Key and Jonghyun. I’m curled into a tight ball and clutching my abdomen when Key suddenly speaks up.

“He looks pretty bad. Maybe we should take him to the doctor.” His voice is hushed in the nearly silent room.

“No, it would just attract bad attention. He’s all right; it’ll pass in a few hours.”

“What if he needs medical attention?”

“He doesn’t, Key. It’s just a stomach bug. Taking him to the doctor would be unnecessary AND it would give the press a good reason to follow us around. It’s best to just keep this private; we don’t want the public to get involved.”

A slight pause. Then, “maybe certain things shouldn’t be kept from the public.” Key’s voice is quiet and vulnerable. I instantly feel the change of atmosphere in the room.

“Certain things, yes. But not this. It would be in everyone’s best interest if we kept this from the public.” Jonghyun’s voice sounds tired, and maybe even a little bit sad.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that they aren’t talking about me anymore. Their eyes meet from across the couch in a stony glare. I watch as Key swallows slowly, his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. A full minute goes by before he speaks up again.

“We shouldn’t lie to the public. Especially about someone we care about. What will happen to him if we do nothing? Will it get worse? Will he feel more and more miserable with each passing day? Why would you want him to go through that, Jonghyun? Don’t you care about him? Don’t you love-"

“That’s enough,” Jonghyun says shortly. He places his face in his palm, rubbing his eyes vigorously. “Of course I …of course I care about him.” His voice is choked; I can tell he’s holding back tears by the way he scrunches up his face. “Sometimes we have to do what’s best for everyone, though. We can’t be selfish.”

Key immediately pushes himself off of the couch, walking quickly towards the bedrooms. Over his shoulder, he says, “that’s bullshit.”

When he’s gone, Jonghyun turns to look at me for the first time since the whole conversation started.

“You understand, right Taemin?” His voice sounds desperate; pleading. I’m torn between wanting to hug him and wanting to shove him off the couch.

I try to look him in the eye as I answer, but I can’t. I just can’t. “Yeah, I understand.”

***

I sleep out in the living room that night.

Halfway through the night, I’m woken up by somebody sliding in behind me on the couch. A warm hand wraps around my waist; a wet cheek rests on my shoulder. I feel the body trembling slightly behind me. I grab the hand on my waist and hold it tight, squeezing the cold fingers gently.

“Is it ok if I lay with you?” The voice sounds loud in the silent house, but it’s only a low whisper.

“What’s wrong, Key?”

He shifts slightly, resting his cheek flush against my back. I can feel his tears through the thin fabric of my shirt.

“Nothing, I just…can’t sleep.”

I wait a few seconds, making sure he doesn’t have anything else to say. As I expected, he remains silent.

“Of course it’s ok,” I finally answer, trying to sound as comforting as possible. Key nods against my back.

It’s almost as if I can feel the aching radiating from his body. It seeps in through my pores, consuming my whole being. Key breathes shallowly against my back, the warm breath sending chills up my spine. Sorrow spills through the room, making the air feel tight and polluted.

I draw shapes on the back of his hand until he falls into a fitful sleep. His body never stops shaking.

***

In the morning, I find myself alone on the couch. The sound of the shower running comes from across the dorm. I turn on the TV and wait for whoever is occupying the bathroom to finish. Fifteen minutes later, Jonghyun steps out into the hall, a cloud of steam following him.

He sees me and gives a tiny nod. His expression is unreadable. In the back of my mind, I wonder if he saw Key and me on the couch this morning. Probably. I’d apologize, explain to him that it was nothing that Key was just lonely. But I can’t. Once again, I feel my secret bubbling up through my stomach, wanting to burst through my lips.

“Bathroom’s free,” he calls out, gesturing towards the room. He gives me a tight smile. I don’t return it.

I remove myself slowly from the sofa and drag myself into the shower. I’m halfway through washing my hair when I realize what I have to do.
I dry myself off slowly, coming to terms with what I’m about to do.

For the whole day, I think about it. I think of how I’ll say it. I think of how many ways the conversation could go. I think of the repercussions. I think of the pros; of the cons. I think of every possible situation that could come from my confession.

I think of their faces when I tell them, I think of their reactions. I think about it so much that it almost feels as if it’s already happened. I move through the day in a haze, never giving my full attention to anything but the musings going through my mind.

Even though I’m almost certain that what I’m about to do won’t change anything, there’s always that miniscule sliver of hope. Waiting around for things to change won’t do anything; I need to take action. I can’t take the feeling of hopelessness anymore; I can’t live with myself knowing that I have the chance to change everything…and then doing nothing about it.

Maybe, just maybe, if they know that there’s at least one person that supports them, if there’s one other person in the world who understands their secret bond, if they realize that they aren’t alone in this…

I walk into the living room, an eerie silence overtaking me as soon as I enter. Jonghyun is sitting on the floor reading a magazine, while Key is lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

My mouth is unbelievably dry when I say, “Hey, guys?”

Their heads turn in my direction at exactly the same time. The expressions are blank, two pairs of empty eyes staring back at me. My hands begin to shake with adrenaline. I clear my throat. Anxious heat spreads through my body.

Before I can change my mind, I open my mouth.

“You may not want to hear this, but I’m going to tell you anyway.” I let out a long sigh, the air around me getting more and more tense with each passing second.

“It’s hard to keep secrets from me. I’m a good observer.”

Their eyes meet for a split second, the looks of panic clearly readable on their faces.

“I’ve been watching you two for a while, and there are a few things that I want to say.”

I take a deep breath, and time seems to slow as I inhale. I hear the faint tick of the clock on the wall behind me, the sound of soft music coming from down the hall, the sound of a car driving past our dorm outside. The world outside of this room is alive and buzzing, but to us, it seems as if the earth has stopped spinning; stuck on its axis, waiting for the final blow of my confession. I take one last look at them, their expressions confirming my thoughts of nothing will ever be the same after this.

I exhale and the words flow out of me, winding ribbons of optimistic expectation through the solemn atmosphere. My heart pounds vigorously in my chest, but I don’t stop. At this point, I can only hope for the best.