Birthday.
I've been having dreams where my teeth fall out.
It don't matter where I am, or what I'm doing. It's always the same. Sometimes I'll be about to open my mouth and speak, others my lips just peel back and fall limp against my chin.
That's when I notice my mouth's bleeding. Well. Not blood. Not really. It's black. It oozes, thick and oily. It mixes dark with my spit and dribbles down along my chin. That's when I notice the numbness in my mouth.
It don't hurt as they drop loose, one by one. The holes they leave're painless, all full of that cold, cottony black.
They shake as they fall to my palms. They shiver themselves to breaking, and I hold them as they splinter.
I try to scream, but it sinks into my throat and nestles in my ribs. It tamps down on my tongue with its one long tail, and that's when I realize I can't speak, can't yell. Can't make no sound at all save for its hissing.
It's my birthday.
Dunno know how old I am, not to an exact number, anyway. I can estimate to a few years, give or take. Anything further than that and it all turns to haze. I know how long I've known folks, how long I've been places, how long since some shit's happened. But lately it's all been cloudier. The important shit's cloudier.
How long's it been since the Invasion? Since Outland? Since everything went to an even worse kinda shit?
Can answer the last one, at least. Two years. Two full fucking years. Never thought I'd see nothing past two months.
Guess I should be proud on that. Guess that should make me feel strong. Happy.
Mostly, I'm just tired. Feels like that's all I feel lately. Tired.
I think I've been sleeping a lot.
Guess it'd be an understatement to say it were a shit year. Spent it running, spent it hurting, spent more than a few nights wanting to die. Spent a few minutes even making good on that.
Friends lost things. I lost some too. Those scars on Lar's face ain't going away no time soon, not the way he heals. LG might be out and free, but there's shit what ain't going away there neither.
We don't talk so much. Still close, but we don't talk so often. Not every night like we used to. Figure that one's on me. I ain't been writing much lately. Not to no one.
Figure that's also good things, though. Gotta be partly that there's less that needs saying. More folks what she feels she can say it to. Different person than she were when I sent that stupid fucking Peacebloom, that's for sure. Think it's a good kinda different.
Figure I'm a bit different since then, too.
I'm tired, and I don't know how none of this is gonna go. Lar's been talking on healers. Says that's first priority, making sure this guy makes good on that. Been digging around the room, trying to figure how we're being watched. Been writing at Duskwhisper, asking on that. Back and forth and back and forth and back and fucking forth across the room.
It's all this what's got him out of bed, at least. Got him moving around some. Some good in that. He needed something like that. Needs to think some kinda change is gonna come from all this.
Dunno if I need that. Don't know if I figure there's any kinda change to be found.
Right now, I just want to sleep.
It don't matter where I am, or what I'm doing. It's always the same. Sometimes I'll be about to open my mouth and speak, others my lips just peel back and fall limp against my chin.
That's when I notice my mouth's bleeding. Well. Not blood. Not really. It's black. It oozes, thick and oily. It mixes dark with my spit and dribbles down along my chin. That's when I notice the numbness in my mouth.
It don't hurt as they drop loose, one by one. The holes they leave're painless, all full of that cold, cottony black.
They shake as they fall to my palms. They shiver themselves to breaking, and I hold them as they splinter.
I try to scream, but it sinks into my throat and nestles in my ribs. It tamps down on my tongue with its one long tail, and that's when I realize I can't speak, can't yell. Can't make no sound at all save for its hissing.
It's my birthday.
Dunno know how old I am, not to an exact number, anyway. I can estimate to a few years, give or take. Anything further than that and it all turns to haze. I know how long I've known folks, how long I've been places, how long since some shit's happened. But lately it's all been cloudier. The important shit's cloudier.
How long's it been since the Invasion? Since Outland? Since everything went to an even worse kinda shit?
Can answer the last one, at least. Two years. Two full fucking years. Never thought I'd see nothing past two months.
Guess I should be proud on that. Guess that should make me feel strong. Happy.
Mostly, I'm just tired. Feels like that's all I feel lately. Tired.
I think I've been sleeping a lot.
Guess it'd be an understatement to say it were a shit year. Spent it running, spent it hurting, spent more than a few nights wanting to die. Spent a few minutes even making good on that.
Friends lost things. I lost some too. Those scars on Lar's face ain't going away no time soon, not the way he heals. LG might be out and free, but there's shit what ain't going away there neither.
We don't talk so much. Still close, but we don't talk so often. Not every night like we used to. Figure that one's on me. I ain't been writing much lately. Not to no one.
Figure that's also good things, though. Gotta be partly that there's less that needs saying. More folks what she feels she can say it to. Different person than she were when I sent that stupid fucking Peacebloom, that's for sure. Think it's a good kinda different.
Figure I'm a bit different since then, too.
I'm tired, and I don't know how none of this is gonna go. Lar's been talking on healers. Says that's first priority, making sure this guy makes good on that. Been digging around the room, trying to figure how we're being watched. Been writing at Duskwhisper, asking on that. Back and forth and back and forth and back and fucking forth across the room.
It's all this what's got him out of bed, at least. Got him moving around some. Some good in that. He needed something like that. Needs to think some kinda change is gonna come from all this.
Dunno if I need that. Don't know if I figure there's any kinda change to be found.
Right now, I just want to sleep.