(no subject)
Guys guys seriously today has seriously been one of the most fantastic days in my life.
Mostly it was just a giant breakthrough that I had with my therapist today and I FEEL THE NEED TO BABBLE AT LENGTH ABOUT THIS. Okay so mostly, for those not in the know I've been in and out of therapy for like. A good couple of years. I went to counseling services in college, had one bum therapist after I moved out to Seattle, and I've currently been seeing a really nice lady in Lower Queen Anne-ish area for several months now.
The issues I've been dealing with are by and large social anxiety and depression. I have moments where I worry about whether anyone would care if I just disappeared, I get depressed and think that no one likes me, etc. etc. I've been doing a ton better with all of these things since I've started meeting with my therapist and I think today we finally figured out the root of it.
Basically, I realized that I apply the same (mildly-anal) perfectionism that I hold myself to in every other aspect of life to my social relationships as well. In other words, I always shoot to be the best at everything I do, in school, in work, the whole gamut. I've since dealt with the fact that I can't always be the best in these fields and I'm content with it and have sort of channeled that energy into a positive sort of "I am going to try my damndest and if it doesn't turn out perfect at least I know I've tried and I can be proud of that."
The problem is I never applied this recovering-perfectionist logic to my hidden issues regarding people. Namely, in the same way that I wanted to be the best student, the best employee, the best whatever, I also wanted to be the best for another person. Pretty much I was beating myself up because I was no one's number one and even though I'd coped with the idea of not being number one in concrete things like work and school, I hadn't done the same with just. People and relationships.
And this is, in all honesty, really silly! Because with work and school to a certain degree the target you're aiming at is something concrete. You can take a test and you get a B or you get an A. You do your job and you finish a task in 15 minutes or 30 minutes. If you get a B one day you can work hard to try and get an A because really it's just you vs. the material you're dealing with. And even with work where you're dealing with people, there's that concrete thing called work sitting there that has to be done and you can work hard and improve yourself at the work you do even if office politics suck.
But with people it's, well, people. Nothing is really concrete. I mean, you can certainly try to be someone's friend but if you're just downright incompatible with that person you're either going to wind up forcing yourself to be someone that you're not (which is never good) or just ruin the relationship. And I'm not saying there's no point in trying to be friends with people but it's just not something you can measure like that. When I'm with my friends I have a lot of fun because they're my friends and I love them all. There's no real point in measuring things when hey, you're having fun.
So I've decided to stop measuring social relationships in terms of any kind of concrete scale. If I'm having fun and enjoying myself then fuck yes this is awesome and I should totally live it up! My friends care about me, they're there for me and they're awesome supportive people. It doesn't matter if they have other people that they're awesome for as well because heck, I appreciate the support they give to me. I have fun with them. It's awesome that they have other people to have fun with as well so why should I beat myself up over the fact that my friends have awesome friends too?
There was also discussion of Buddhist principles and I honestly referenced "hold nothing" in a discussion with my therapist which kind of made me giddy. XD
But yes, in summary. I feel kind of amazing right now and I want EVERYONE who's reading this to know that I'm really glad that you're my friend. ♥ I appreciate it when we talk and I love when we hang out and have fun times. So seriously keep on rocking because you're all awesome. ♥♥♥
Mostly it was just a giant breakthrough that I had with my therapist today and I FEEL THE NEED TO BABBLE AT LENGTH ABOUT THIS. Okay so mostly, for those not in the know I've been in and out of therapy for like. A good couple of years. I went to counseling services in college, had one bum therapist after I moved out to Seattle, and I've currently been seeing a really nice lady in Lower Queen Anne-ish area for several months now.
The issues I've been dealing with are by and large social anxiety and depression. I have moments where I worry about whether anyone would care if I just disappeared, I get depressed and think that no one likes me, etc. etc. I've been doing a ton better with all of these things since I've started meeting with my therapist and I think today we finally figured out the root of it.
Basically, I realized that I apply the same (mildly-anal) perfectionism that I hold myself to in every other aspect of life to my social relationships as well. In other words, I always shoot to be the best at everything I do, in school, in work, the whole gamut. I've since dealt with the fact that I can't always be the best in these fields and I'm content with it and have sort of channeled that energy into a positive sort of "I am going to try my damndest and if it doesn't turn out perfect at least I know I've tried and I can be proud of that."
The problem is I never applied this recovering-perfectionist logic to my hidden issues regarding people. Namely, in the same way that I wanted to be the best student, the best employee, the best whatever, I also wanted to be the best for another person. Pretty much I was beating myself up because I was no one's number one and even though I'd coped with the idea of not being number one in concrete things like work and school, I hadn't done the same with just. People and relationships.
And this is, in all honesty, really silly! Because with work and school to a certain degree the target you're aiming at is something concrete. You can take a test and you get a B or you get an A. You do your job and you finish a task in 15 minutes or 30 minutes. If you get a B one day you can work hard to try and get an A because really it's just you vs. the material you're dealing with. And even with work where you're dealing with people, there's that concrete thing called work sitting there that has to be done and you can work hard and improve yourself at the work you do even if office politics suck.
But with people it's, well, people. Nothing is really concrete. I mean, you can certainly try to be someone's friend but if you're just downright incompatible with that person you're either going to wind up forcing yourself to be someone that you're not (which is never good) or just ruin the relationship. And I'm not saying there's no point in trying to be friends with people but it's just not something you can measure like that. When I'm with my friends I have a lot of fun because they're my friends and I love them all. There's no real point in measuring things when hey, you're having fun.
So I've decided to stop measuring social relationships in terms of any kind of concrete scale. If I'm having fun and enjoying myself then fuck yes this is awesome and I should totally live it up! My friends care about me, they're there for me and they're awesome supportive people. It doesn't matter if they have other people that they're awesome for as well because heck, I appreciate the support they give to me. I have fun with them. It's awesome that they have other people to have fun with as well so why should I beat myself up over the fact that my friends have awesome friends too?
There was also discussion of Buddhist principles and I honestly referenced "hold nothing" in a discussion with my therapist which kind of made me giddy. XD
But yes, in summary. I feel kind of amazing right now and I want EVERYONE who's reading this to know that I'm really glad that you're my friend. ♥ I appreciate it when we talk and I love when we hang out and have fun times. So seriously keep on rocking because you're all awesome. ♥♥♥