(no subject)
So it's been a couple of months since I've done this, right? TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF TK SORTS OUT HER LIFE ISSUES VIA MASSIVE LJ RANTING \o/
So breaking this down into categories has always worked into the past so LET'S BREAKING THIS DOWN INTO CATEGORIES.
Category the first: My Job
Now for starters, for all the ranting I do on Twitter about the idiocy of a certain coworker, I actually do genuinely enjoy my job. It pays well, for one, it gives me lots of free reign to kind of dick about on the internet, for two, and I get to work with one of my best friends, for three. But I have recently come to a pretty solid conclusion that JET or no JET, I am leaving this position in July. The reason being that my boss essentially gave me an ultimatum that he really didn't want to hire me full time if I couldn't commit to at least two years with the company. And I respect him for that, I wouldn't want to be constantly training people in on a position year after year. But also I do not plan on being in Seattle in two years. Which means that if JET is a no-go I will be unemployed come July.
This is kind of a terrifying concept to think of because I don't even know what I would want to look for jobs in. I mean, I know for a solid fact that I am applying to grad school this fall. If not New York (which is my ideal) I will be somewhere that is not Seattle by the fall of 2011. And so I'm going to have to find a place that's willing to hire me on for about 13 months or so. It's not really that I don't think I can find a job, it's just the thought of more job hunting and hopping position and likely having to move to a new apartment (with cheaper rent) that kind of terrifies me. In short, I really really want to get into JET right now. It's not just a matter of it being the direction I want to go in with my life, it's a matter of it is good employment and if I do not get it I may cry.
Employment woes are also sort of compounded by the fact that over the past couple of months my job has gotten disgustingly easy. I'm a person who likes to be challenged, I like it when problems come along, I like it when I get to problem solve on the fly and I have things that actually fill in my work day. This is mostly because when I don't have that constant workflow I let myself get distracted. I RP, I surf pixiv, I troll the anon meme, all sorts of stuff. And when I'm in the middle of that stuff, if work comes along I start to look at it less as my job and more as a bother. I get annoyed by it because it's splitting my attention and making me shift focus. And this means I get lazy. I don't work on projects that I should be working on, I don't respond to e-mails as quickly as I should. Essentially I don't present myself as an attentive and efficient employee and I realize this and it frustrates me because I'm not doing the best job that I could be doing.
Basically I've hit my slump with this position, and there's not much to perk me out of it short of me just instituting a major personal attitude switch to how I approach my job. I do want to kick my butt into gear a bit more and work on the projects I've been assigned because fuck, if I don't get JET, I have to make this position look impressive on my resume and I have the means to do that I just...need to stop being a goddamn lazy ass all the time.
Of course this would all be solved if JET would just get back to me, those hookers. I really really really really want to get in, augh.
Category the second: Creativerly things
So recently I've been trying to get myself back into the swing of writing. And this was working! ... for a little while! But basically I've put myself in a position where I have things to write, I have things I want to write, I just turn into a huge slacker with a commitment problem and never write them and it's just. Frustrating. I keep on telling myself that I'm going to change this, I'm going to give myself a writing space, I'm going to try to focus on my stories and hack things out on them and I just never do. I have promised so many people so much smut and so rarely do I ever deliver. And it's getting to the point of ultimate frustration!
Mostly what's frustrating about it is that I can write a story out in my head but if I'm not at a computer or sitting with pen and paper in hand at that exact moment chances are I'm going to lose said story. And if I can't get as far as having the idea in my head I just can't move forward. I guess it's just frustrating for one really big reason. I love talking story ideas with other people. I feedback very well and process creatively exceptionally when I'm in dialogue. Heck, this is how the Band!AU started between me and Katy, this is how I hacked out details to my original-project-I-don't-even-know-what-to-call-it-anymore thing with Muun. This is how in the process of a 30 minute lunch today I managed to help Katy come up with a kind of awesome idea for a fic she's writing that I think she's going to pull off amazingly well!
But. The problem is I get pussy with this! Like. I am having a huge block in just talking to people about my ideas. I just feel really dumb about my original plots. I feel really disheartened and kind of embarrassed at the thought of blocking out porn the same way someone would block out a semi-serious historical fic. I'm just at such a creative stopping block that I don't know. I want to talk to my ideas but I can't grow the damn balls to just message someone and go "HEY CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS IDEA?" because I feel like my ideas are inferior and I don't feel like people want to talk about them and I FEEL LIKE A WIMP FOR THIS and it's frustrating.
Category the third: Life Transintiony type things
So a couple of weeks ago I was looking at grad schools in New York and I had a stunning realization: I really want to go to grad school. In New York. RIGHT NOW. But I can't. Because time and school applications don't work like that and I have to be patient. But in addition to making me feel really antsy it just sort of makes me wonder why I feel the need to pick up and move out of a city that I adore but that I've only lived in for what? One year and a couple of months? I mean. I have friends here! I really like my friends here, even though we have drama hiccups sometimes but heck, that's just us being people.
But I don't know. It's just this whole eager energy type thing that I've got and I just can't stay still I just want to pack up and move and move on and start moving forward with my life. I guess part of it has to do with category the first in the whole employment fiasco and such how I'm not really content with my job, my job is not something I'm intent on pursuing in the long run and I really just want to pick up and start chasing my dreams. PERSISTENCE IS NOT FUTILE, GUYS.
But it's just such a transition phase that it makes me antsy. In a way it feels like my last year of college only not at all. Because at least then I had classes to distract me and now I have nothing but my own internet distractions and failure to commit myself to personal projects.
lol
I SHOULD REALLY BE STUDYING FOR MY GRE RIGHT NOW, but this was cathartic. I needed it.
So breaking this down into categories has always worked into the past so LET'S BREAKING THIS DOWN INTO CATEGORIES.
Category the first: My Job
Now for starters, for all the ranting I do on Twitter about the idiocy of a certain coworker, I actually do genuinely enjoy my job. It pays well, for one, it gives me lots of free reign to kind of dick about on the internet, for two, and I get to work with one of my best friends, for three. But I have recently come to a pretty solid conclusion that JET or no JET, I am leaving this position in July. The reason being that my boss essentially gave me an ultimatum that he really didn't want to hire me full time if I couldn't commit to at least two years with the company. And I respect him for that, I wouldn't want to be constantly training people in on a position year after year. But also I do not plan on being in Seattle in two years. Which means that if JET is a no-go I will be unemployed come July.
This is kind of a terrifying concept to think of because I don't even know what I would want to look for jobs in. I mean, I know for a solid fact that I am applying to grad school this fall. If not New York (which is my ideal) I will be somewhere that is not Seattle by the fall of 2011. And so I'm going to have to find a place that's willing to hire me on for about 13 months or so. It's not really that I don't think I can find a job, it's just the thought of more job hunting and hopping position and likely having to move to a new apartment (with cheaper rent) that kind of terrifies me. In short, I really really want to get into JET right now. It's not just a matter of it being the direction I want to go in with my life, it's a matter of it is good employment and if I do not get it I may cry.
Employment woes are also sort of compounded by the fact that over the past couple of months my job has gotten disgustingly easy. I'm a person who likes to be challenged, I like it when problems come along, I like it when I get to problem solve on the fly and I have things that actually fill in my work day. This is mostly because when I don't have that constant workflow I let myself get distracted. I RP, I surf pixiv, I troll the anon meme, all sorts of stuff. And when I'm in the middle of that stuff, if work comes along I start to look at it less as my job and more as a bother. I get annoyed by it because it's splitting my attention and making me shift focus. And this means I get lazy. I don't work on projects that I should be working on, I don't respond to e-mails as quickly as I should. Essentially I don't present myself as an attentive and efficient employee and I realize this and it frustrates me because I'm not doing the best job that I could be doing.
Basically I've hit my slump with this position, and there's not much to perk me out of it short of me just instituting a major personal attitude switch to how I approach my job. I do want to kick my butt into gear a bit more and work on the projects I've been assigned because fuck, if I don't get JET, I have to make this position look impressive on my resume and I have the means to do that I just...need to stop being a goddamn lazy ass all the time.
Of course this would all be solved if JET would just get back to me, those hookers. I really really really really want to get in, augh.
Category the second: Creativerly things
So recently I've been trying to get myself back into the swing of writing. And this was working! ... for a little while! But basically I've put myself in a position where I have things to write, I have things I want to write, I just turn into a huge slacker with a commitment problem and never write them and it's just. Frustrating. I keep on telling myself that I'm going to change this, I'm going to give myself a writing space, I'm going to try to focus on my stories and hack things out on them and I just never do. I have promised so many people so much smut and so rarely do I ever deliver. And it's getting to the point of ultimate frustration!
Mostly what's frustrating about it is that I can write a story out in my head but if I'm not at a computer or sitting with pen and paper in hand at that exact moment chances are I'm going to lose said story. And if I can't get as far as having the idea in my head I just can't move forward. I guess it's just frustrating for one really big reason. I love talking story ideas with other people. I feedback very well and process creatively exceptionally when I'm in dialogue. Heck, this is how the Band!AU started between me and Katy, this is how I hacked out details to my original-project-I-don't-even-know-what-to-call-it-anymore thing with Muun. This is how in the process of a 30 minute lunch today I managed to help Katy come up with a kind of awesome idea for a fic she's writing that I think she's going to pull off amazingly well!
But. The problem is I get pussy with this! Like. I am having a huge block in just talking to people about my ideas. I just feel really dumb about my original plots. I feel really disheartened and kind of embarrassed at the thought of blocking out porn the same way someone would block out a semi-serious historical fic. I'm just at such a creative stopping block that I don't know. I want to talk to my ideas but I can't grow the damn balls to just message someone and go "HEY CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS IDEA?" because I feel like my ideas are inferior and I don't feel like people want to talk about them and I FEEL LIKE A WIMP FOR THIS and it's frustrating.
Category the third: Life Transintiony type things
So a couple of weeks ago I was looking at grad schools in New York and I had a stunning realization: I really want to go to grad school. In New York. RIGHT NOW. But I can't. Because time and school applications don't work like that and I have to be patient. But in addition to making me feel really antsy it just sort of makes me wonder why I feel the need to pick up and move out of a city that I adore but that I've only lived in for what? One year and a couple of months? I mean. I have friends here! I really like my friends here, even though we have drama hiccups sometimes but heck, that's just us being people.
But I don't know. It's just this whole eager energy type thing that I've got and I just can't stay still I just want to pack up and move and move on and start moving forward with my life. I guess part of it has to do with category the first in the whole employment fiasco and such how I'm not really content with my job, my job is not something I'm intent on pursuing in the long run and I really just want to pick up and start chasing my dreams. PERSISTENCE IS NOT FUTILE, GUYS.
But it's just such a transition phase that it makes me antsy. In a way it feels like my last year of college only not at all. Because at least then I had classes to distract me and now I have nothing but my own internet distractions and failure to commit myself to personal projects.
lol
I SHOULD REALLY BE STUDYING FOR MY GRE RIGHT NOW, but this was cathartic. I needed it.