A moment
I have a few hours to spare before bed. Lots of time to reflect on recent events. But for once I am actually thankful my life is too active to give me a chance to stop and smell the roses. Otherwise I might dwell on how screwed up and blown out of proportion things have gotten. I've confided in a lot of people. People who understand me and what I'm capable of. Or incapable of. And I feel a lot better about what's happened. I haven't done anything wrong. I did a lot of things. A lot of questionable things. Things that had to be done. They were me. In every way. Debate it if you wish I suppose. But even if I went back in time. Things happened the way they did because they had to. I couldn't change anything even if I wanted to. I do things my way. Its the only way I know how. So nothing would change. Life is the way it is for me. I didn't make it this way. Its hectic. But I don't consider it all that bad. So there's no reason I see to fight it. I have a future now. For once.
You were mad or resentful that this particular future has taken me from you. Or you were anyway. Until you thought you found reason to be mad at me instead of just my future. But you know, had you not snooped, things between us would be the same as they were the day before you snooped. You're the one who changed things. And that's what you want. Its what you need. I won't fight it. I can't give you the attention you so obviously crave. This neglect thing, and your lust for blame, its all the way it had to be, or we would have ended a lot sooner than we have. I would have ended it. Just like last time. Because things were different last time. You can blame me all you want. Its true. I didn't try as hard as you. I couldn't. You can say "well at least I gave SOME attention". And you're right. And you remember what happened? I only got a -little- attention. And I told you time and again since then, it made me resentful. I'd rather have nothing and just wait for a time when we could have a long good conversation. So that maybe time between us is scarce. But the times we do get actually mean something. Not just a "how are you? I'm going to bed". The last time, that's what you need, that's what you needed, that's what you got. And it pushed me away. So we tried things the way I need this time. And your hunger for attention; it pushed you away. We can't work. Not when our lives are this busy. Just the way it is
Your probably also mad that I fell out of love with you. And how I use it in past tense. When I've explained this on at least two seperate occassions too. When we're appart I do drift from you. You probably resent that something like that never happens with the other girls I fall for. The girls you hate. Hate it all you want. Its never changed. You knew this going into this relationship because of my past. I haven't changed. I've fallen out of love with you many times. It didn't always end our relationship. This time I was willing to keep trying. I was putting it off until my life calmed down and I was going to give you a serious chance. I would have tried to rekindle at that point. But as hectic as my life is, its pointless to try and rekindle now because I'd get pulled away again and drift again. This has nothing to do with Alyssa, because nothing was going to happen there. I feel for her and I got hurt. But it didn't change things between you and I at all. If we didn't work out, I would have went to Alyssa. That changed. But that was only ever a possibility. An eventuallity. Likely. But if we had worked out together, it would have never happened. It would have never affected you
You accuse me of not giving you the time of day for months. My life has only been -this- hectic since the 19th of January. That's one month, three days before you found out I'd fallen out of love again. Simply fallen out. Again. It also happened in January. And I told you this. I know I did. I remember the phone call. And I gave us another chance then too. I told you I wasn't going to give up on us this time unless things just refused to work out. But we couldn't have a real chance until my life calms down. And that won't be for another couple of weeks. But you couldn't just wait another week or so. Which is fine. Get tired of waiting. That's your right. It can't change things for me though. I have a job ahead of me. And I have to work on it. If you can't understand that, well, I never really expected you to actually. You were so set on finding blame. The times we did talk (which before the 19th was actually quite a bit, which you seem to forget) you always said things like "at least its not all my fault this time". No, I said many times, just as much mine. If not more so. Its also the way things have to be. You think I'm avoiding you. I'm not. Just too busy. And I know you have issues with neglect. Which is why you want those quick random passings between us. And I'm sorry. As I've explained that would have ended the relationship sooner. Because I hate quick, short, random passings. Its a tease. Its nothing to me. I want -something- if we're going to have a passing
Also, its strange that you accuse me of ignoring you for months. Just over a month ago it was both our faults. Now its all mine. You also accused me of breaking up with you before for not knowing what was going on in my life. I don't, and didn't care if you knew my life. The problem was you were never there. You only pretended to be. My thing was that when I got done waiting to find time, and got it, and went to be there for you. I'd actually be there. Not some hello, how are you, I'm going to bed. That was my intent. And it wasn't months. It was weeks. And on top of that, I recall how our relationship went the last time. We broke up in april, right around our anniversary. Because I got tired of it. And then you found the name of some disorder that sounded like something you might have. And you felt a huge weight off your shoulders. You could point the finger at something other than yourself. And begged me to give you another chance. And I did. Until that august I gave you a chance. Three more months of teasing neglect I put up with for our chance. And life stole you away again. And had we spent weeks not talking, and you gave me ONE good SOLID long conversation (like I've been holding out to give you). I would have lasted. I wouldn't have been teased by your company, I actually would have had it, if only once in a small while. But it would have been there. And it would have been special. That's what I needed. Our needs clash. What destroys the relationship for you, makes it for me. And vice versa. And none of this would have to happen if our lives weren't so busy. But they are. And this is how it has to be. You resent that its been about my needs. Well last time it was about your needs. Neither works. I'm sorry. But don't throw this "months" thing at me. Because it hasn't been months for you. It WAS months for me. I know how months of neglect feels. If you want to accumulate it, fine. But before a month ago it was mutual neglect, so that wasn't all my fault either. And I really think you should stop looking for this blame on someone. Its not me. Its life
I also don't think its appropriate that you choose to put me in a corner and attack me while I'm driving my car, and then proceed to lecture me on how I behave within that car. You were the one who couldn't wait until I was no longer driving. You piss me off in my car, I'm going to drive, pissed off. I am not afraid to drive while mad. My ability to move the car doesn't change. And you act like this is something new. Years ago, before you and I hooked up even the first time. Molly would piss me off. And I'd go get in my car. I'd GO TO my car. I don't do that anymore. You caught me already in my car, on quite a few missions that HAD to get done. Fact remains, its not new, and I can handle driving mad. I've proven that. And you've already known about it. So don't pretend its new and surprising
Then there's the theft and alcohol thing you had to throw in there. You hate my job probably at least as much as I do. Especially since they cancelled our ability to communicate during the day. We can both agree that they owe me. A lot. They pulled a sexist maneuver that gave a collegue of mine a raise for the same position I got for no raise. There was thousands... thousands of dollars in that bag I found. I took what was owed to me. A year and a half I had that title without the raise I was due. I took retro pay. Five hundred dollars. I don't take whats not mine. And not a penny more. In fact. I'd figured it up. They owed me eight hundred. But steeling another wad of five hundred would have put me over that. So I took the cut. Its not the most noble way to get what you deserve. But its something I can live with. I'm not proud of it. But I don't regret it. If they had any honor or ethics or morals I would have never even contimplated the idea. If they hadn't fucked me over and robbed me already, I'd have taken the bag back with me to work. Given it to someone in charge of money. And it would have been full. I'd have earned their trust. Paid them back actually, in trust, for being decent. But they're not. So whatever. Still something I wouldn't change about the past
Now the alcohol thing. Which you are blowing way out of proportion. Which is understandable. I just think you should be aware that that's what is happening. You have serious issues with alcohol. Unreasonable ones. Ones I myself used to have. I didn't even tolerate friends joking about drinking. Because I've seen the damage alcohol can do to people's lives. But like a gun and a bullet. Its the person behind the alcohol that's responsible. A responsible drinker has no problems at all. Drinking is not a problem. Irresponsible drinking is. I have YET to be irresponsible. There are limits to drinking that the human body can tolerate. You however act as if a few drops of liquor completely incapacitates someone's ability to think and act clear headed. I had four shots and drove home. I did not drive onto the curb. I didn't veer into alternate lanes. I wasn't slow to react to slowing/stopping cars or stop lights. You know why? Because I hadn't gone anywhere near my limit. Nowhere near even being tipsy. Seems when you hear four shots, you think four drinks. I know you have to know what a shot is. Do you have any idea how much is actually in a shot though? Were you aware I was shooting mixed drinks? Jarger bombs, they're called. Jargermeister and fruit punch. 3/4 punch. Which means four shots is only equal to one whole shot of jarger. Which is nothing. I've actually had shots of straight jarger. 3 of them in fact. And nothing happened. I knew bombs would have done nothing to me. I could have had eight of them. Which would equal 2 shots of straight jarger. And now we're aware that I've already been beyond that in my past, and was just fine
I don't know what the hell you were drinking, or what your capabilities with alcohol are, but you over react. Horribly. And when it was brought up that night, I told you. I dont' remember the context in which I brought this, up. But I do remember saying "I only drink every couple-" ... this is why I remember. Because of what you THOUGHT I was going to say. Every couple of hours? Why jump to the worst possible conclusion. Days? Weeks? Months? I believe I chose months. Because before these shots the last time I drank was in January. In fact it was just hours before January. New Years Eve. A party with Jason. Where I drank almost exclusively... what? Well let's see what was at that party.. Crown royal, some kind of vodka, jargermeister of course, certain types of coolers, biccardi and smirnoff I believe. And you know what I spent most of the night drinking? I raided the fridge and found Cherry Pepsi and A & W RootBeer. Four glasses of pop. A couple shots of jarger. And lots of pizza to make sure even that little bit had even less of an effect on me. Because I had no intention of spending the night. By 9 o'clock everyone was done drinking. The slut from work brought her boyfriend who puked his guts out for two hours. I stayed until two or three in the morning. Any alcohol in my system was well taken care of. I know my limits. And I'm responsible. You never want to take this into consideration. You have a problem with just drinking in general. And I'm sorry your dad used alcohol to fuck up so many lives. But that's your dad's fault for being irresponsible. Not alcohol's. Yeah it would have never happened without alcohol. But he's the one who kept pulling the trigger
And so it occurs to me, time and again. That you may not be in love with me. You may not have been in love with me all this time. I hate to say it, but I think you've been in love with this delusion you've built up of me, of a reclusive nerd that I almost used to be, and you're desperate to get that out of me again. Stop drinking. Stop being social. Stop being mad and driving. You fail to see that it's all me. Always has been. I've become social outside of the internet. But I always was social online. So I always knew I had the potential to break out in life. I'm being me. I'm being free. I never wanted to be that nerd. And I'm sorry I have to turn my back on that nerd when you wanted him so badly. He wasn't really me. He was what I was forced to be for a time. But I don't have to be that anymore. And I don't want to. But regardless. In the end. Inside. I am who I am. Always have been. Always will be. And if that bothers you, I'm sorry. Nothing's changed but your perception.
And for the record, I never told anyone we were broke up. You just read into things improperly. I wasn't breaking up. Wasn't intending to. Not for a while. If it were necissary
This isn't Jason's fault. Its not Alyssa's fault. Its not my fault. And its not yours. Its life. Just the way things currently are. And they can't work like this it seems. I'm sorry. And I hope you enjoy your life. I'll be thinking of you. Try not to delude yourself too much in the future. Don't assume or jump to conclusions. Maybe if you'd just came to me and asked what was going on, you would have gotten an answer. But you attacked. And you got even more mad that I wouldn't talk back. Because I knew. You didn't want me to talk. You wanted me to listen. And the moment you pretend to listen back, you run from what you don't want to hear. I'm glad I never answered the phone. Running offline is the same as hanging up on me. You would have hung up on me. And that would have been a little too damaging. To everything. Watch your temper. And your perception. And your assumptions. And take care of yourself. Thanks for always being there until now. I won't be trying t contact you. I know you hate me. I think most everything's said that needs to be. I will miss you though. Goodbye dear
You were mad or resentful that this particular future has taken me from you. Or you were anyway. Until you thought you found reason to be mad at me instead of just my future. But you know, had you not snooped, things between us would be the same as they were the day before you snooped. You're the one who changed things. And that's what you want. Its what you need. I won't fight it. I can't give you the attention you so obviously crave. This neglect thing, and your lust for blame, its all the way it had to be, or we would have ended a lot sooner than we have. I would have ended it. Just like last time. Because things were different last time. You can blame me all you want. Its true. I didn't try as hard as you. I couldn't. You can say "well at least I gave SOME attention". And you're right. And you remember what happened? I only got a -little- attention. And I told you time and again since then, it made me resentful. I'd rather have nothing and just wait for a time when we could have a long good conversation. So that maybe time between us is scarce. But the times we do get actually mean something. Not just a "how are you? I'm going to bed". The last time, that's what you need, that's what you needed, that's what you got. And it pushed me away. So we tried things the way I need this time. And your hunger for attention; it pushed you away. We can't work. Not when our lives are this busy. Just the way it is
Your probably also mad that I fell out of love with you. And how I use it in past tense. When I've explained this on at least two seperate occassions too. When we're appart I do drift from you. You probably resent that something like that never happens with the other girls I fall for. The girls you hate. Hate it all you want. Its never changed. You knew this going into this relationship because of my past. I haven't changed. I've fallen out of love with you many times. It didn't always end our relationship. This time I was willing to keep trying. I was putting it off until my life calmed down and I was going to give you a serious chance. I would have tried to rekindle at that point. But as hectic as my life is, its pointless to try and rekindle now because I'd get pulled away again and drift again. This has nothing to do with Alyssa, because nothing was going to happen there. I feel for her and I got hurt. But it didn't change things between you and I at all. If we didn't work out, I would have went to Alyssa. That changed. But that was only ever a possibility. An eventuallity. Likely. But if we had worked out together, it would have never happened. It would have never affected you
You accuse me of not giving you the time of day for months. My life has only been -this- hectic since the 19th of January. That's one month, three days before you found out I'd fallen out of love again. Simply fallen out. Again. It also happened in January. And I told you this. I know I did. I remember the phone call. And I gave us another chance then too. I told you I wasn't going to give up on us this time unless things just refused to work out. But we couldn't have a real chance until my life calms down. And that won't be for another couple of weeks. But you couldn't just wait another week or so. Which is fine. Get tired of waiting. That's your right. It can't change things for me though. I have a job ahead of me. And I have to work on it. If you can't understand that, well, I never really expected you to actually. You were so set on finding blame. The times we did talk (which before the 19th was actually quite a bit, which you seem to forget) you always said things like "at least its not all my fault this time". No, I said many times, just as much mine. If not more so. Its also the way things have to be. You think I'm avoiding you. I'm not. Just too busy. And I know you have issues with neglect. Which is why you want those quick random passings between us. And I'm sorry. As I've explained that would have ended the relationship sooner. Because I hate quick, short, random passings. Its a tease. Its nothing to me. I want -something- if we're going to have a passing
Also, its strange that you accuse me of ignoring you for months. Just over a month ago it was both our faults. Now its all mine. You also accused me of breaking up with you before for not knowing what was going on in my life. I don't, and didn't care if you knew my life. The problem was you were never there. You only pretended to be. My thing was that when I got done waiting to find time, and got it, and went to be there for you. I'd actually be there. Not some hello, how are you, I'm going to bed. That was my intent. And it wasn't months. It was weeks. And on top of that, I recall how our relationship went the last time. We broke up in april, right around our anniversary. Because I got tired of it. And then you found the name of some disorder that sounded like something you might have. And you felt a huge weight off your shoulders. You could point the finger at something other than yourself. And begged me to give you another chance. And I did. Until that august I gave you a chance. Three more months of teasing neglect I put up with for our chance. And life stole you away again. And had we spent weeks not talking, and you gave me ONE good SOLID long conversation (like I've been holding out to give you). I would have lasted. I wouldn't have been teased by your company, I actually would have had it, if only once in a small while. But it would have been there. And it would have been special. That's what I needed. Our needs clash. What destroys the relationship for you, makes it for me. And vice versa. And none of this would have to happen if our lives weren't so busy. But they are. And this is how it has to be. You resent that its been about my needs. Well last time it was about your needs. Neither works. I'm sorry. But don't throw this "months" thing at me. Because it hasn't been months for you. It WAS months for me. I know how months of neglect feels. If you want to accumulate it, fine. But before a month ago it was mutual neglect, so that wasn't all my fault either. And I really think you should stop looking for this blame on someone. Its not me. Its life
I also don't think its appropriate that you choose to put me in a corner and attack me while I'm driving my car, and then proceed to lecture me on how I behave within that car. You were the one who couldn't wait until I was no longer driving. You piss me off in my car, I'm going to drive, pissed off. I am not afraid to drive while mad. My ability to move the car doesn't change. And you act like this is something new. Years ago, before you and I hooked up even the first time. Molly would piss me off. And I'd go get in my car. I'd GO TO my car. I don't do that anymore. You caught me already in my car, on quite a few missions that HAD to get done. Fact remains, its not new, and I can handle driving mad. I've proven that. And you've already known about it. So don't pretend its new and surprising
Then there's the theft and alcohol thing you had to throw in there. You hate my job probably at least as much as I do. Especially since they cancelled our ability to communicate during the day. We can both agree that they owe me. A lot. They pulled a sexist maneuver that gave a collegue of mine a raise for the same position I got for no raise. There was thousands... thousands of dollars in that bag I found. I took what was owed to me. A year and a half I had that title without the raise I was due. I took retro pay. Five hundred dollars. I don't take whats not mine. And not a penny more. In fact. I'd figured it up. They owed me eight hundred. But steeling another wad of five hundred would have put me over that. So I took the cut. Its not the most noble way to get what you deserve. But its something I can live with. I'm not proud of it. But I don't regret it. If they had any honor or ethics or morals I would have never even contimplated the idea. If they hadn't fucked me over and robbed me already, I'd have taken the bag back with me to work. Given it to someone in charge of money. And it would have been full. I'd have earned their trust. Paid them back actually, in trust, for being decent. But they're not. So whatever. Still something I wouldn't change about the past
Now the alcohol thing. Which you are blowing way out of proportion. Which is understandable. I just think you should be aware that that's what is happening. You have serious issues with alcohol. Unreasonable ones. Ones I myself used to have. I didn't even tolerate friends joking about drinking. Because I've seen the damage alcohol can do to people's lives. But like a gun and a bullet. Its the person behind the alcohol that's responsible. A responsible drinker has no problems at all. Drinking is not a problem. Irresponsible drinking is. I have YET to be irresponsible. There are limits to drinking that the human body can tolerate. You however act as if a few drops of liquor completely incapacitates someone's ability to think and act clear headed. I had four shots and drove home. I did not drive onto the curb. I didn't veer into alternate lanes. I wasn't slow to react to slowing/stopping cars or stop lights. You know why? Because I hadn't gone anywhere near my limit. Nowhere near even being tipsy. Seems when you hear four shots, you think four drinks. I know you have to know what a shot is. Do you have any idea how much is actually in a shot though? Were you aware I was shooting mixed drinks? Jarger bombs, they're called. Jargermeister and fruit punch. 3/4 punch. Which means four shots is only equal to one whole shot of jarger. Which is nothing. I've actually had shots of straight jarger. 3 of them in fact. And nothing happened. I knew bombs would have done nothing to me. I could have had eight of them. Which would equal 2 shots of straight jarger. And now we're aware that I've already been beyond that in my past, and was just fine
I don't know what the hell you were drinking, or what your capabilities with alcohol are, but you over react. Horribly. And when it was brought up that night, I told you. I dont' remember the context in which I brought this, up. But I do remember saying "I only drink every couple-" ... this is why I remember. Because of what you THOUGHT I was going to say. Every couple of hours? Why jump to the worst possible conclusion. Days? Weeks? Months? I believe I chose months. Because before these shots the last time I drank was in January. In fact it was just hours before January. New Years Eve. A party with Jason. Where I drank almost exclusively... what? Well let's see what was at that party.. Crown royal, some kind of vodka, jargermeister of course, certain types of coolers, biccardi and smirnoff I believe. And you know what I spent most of the night drinking? I raided the fridge and found Cherry Pepsi and A & W RootBeer. Four glasses of pop. A couple shots of jarger. And lots of pizza to make sure even that little bit had even less of an effect on me. Because I had no intention of spending the night. By 9 o'clock everyone was done drinking. The slut from work brought her boyfriend who puked his guts out for two hours. I stayed until two or three in the morning. Any alcohol in my system was well taken care of. I know my limits. And I'm responsible. You never want to take this into consideration. You have a problem with just drinking in general. And I'm sorry your dad used alcohol to fuck up so many lives. But that's your dad's fault for being irresponsible. Not alcohol's. Yeah it would have never happened without alcohol. But he's the one who kept pulling the trigger
And so it occurs to me, time and again. That you may not be in love with me. You may not have been in love with me all this time. I hate to say it, but I think you've been in love with this delusion you've built up of me, of a reclusive nerd that I almost used to be, and you're desperate to get that out of me again. Stop drinking. Stop being social. Stop being mad and driving. You fail to see that it's all me. Always has been. I've become social outside of the internet. But I always was social online. So I always knew I had the potential to break out in life. I'm being me. I'm being free. I never wanted to be that nerd. And I'm sorry I have to turn my back on that nerd when you wanted him so badly. He wasn't really me. He was what I was forced to be for a time. But I don't have to be that anymore. And I don't want to. But regardless. In the end. Inside. I am who I am. Always have been. Always will be. And if that bothers you, I'm sorry. Nothing's changed but your perception.
And for the record, I never told anyone we were broke up. You just read into things improperly. I wasn't breaking up. Wasn't intending to. Not for a while. If it were necissary
This isn't Jason's fault. Its not Alyssa's fault. Its not my fault. And its not yours. Its life. Just the way things currently are. And they can't work like this it seems. I'm sorry. And I hope you enjoy your life. I'll be thinking of you. Try not to delude yourself too much in the future. Don't assume or jump to conclusions. Maybe if you'd just came to me and asked what was going on, you would have gotten an answer. But you attacked. And you got even more mad that I wouldn't talk back. Because I knew. You didn't want me to talk. You wanted me to listen. And the moment you pretend to listen back, you run from what you don't want to hear. I'm glad I never answered the phone. Running offline is the same as hanging up on me. You would have hung up on me. And that would have been a little too damaging. To everything. Watch your temper. And your perception. And your assumptions. And take care of yourself. Thanks for always being there until now. I won't be trying t contact you. I know you hate me. I think most everything's said that needs to be. I will miss you though. Goodbye dear