(no subject)
You all know the drill...
I know I'm not supposed to care; I've said as much and said it often. And maybe I did cross the line and break my promise, but I was hurt, more hurt than I'd ever been
Maybe others were right. Perhaps I am a lovesick fool who settled for the first thing that came my way. Only I don't see it like that. I don't consider myself as "settling" for anything. I've fought too hard and too long to make this work, suffered through public ridicule, endured the painful barbs from others… but was all in vain.
Some ask why I bother, why I stay. That's easy; I don't even have to think about it. I love him. I know he loves me too, but is that enough? I want it to be. Because now it's too late. I care about him, the girls, everything far too much.
I was told once I would never be happy. That I was nothing more than the glorified housekeeper and babysitter. While it hurt to hear, I never really believed it, and HE assured me that it wasn't true. The other night though, as I felt like I didn't matter, that my feelings didn't matter, he made me feel like that person.
I was two seconds away from just walking out the door, but that's all it was, two seconds. I saw the picture of the five of us downstairs, and I couldn't do it. I couldn’t walk away from everything we have together. I wasn't giving him, or others, the satisfaction of just going away and giving up.
Yes, I'm crazy. I can't seem to give up on him, or us, despite everything, the ups and downs. But sometimes, just once in a while, it would be nice to hear the same thing too.
So yeah, I'm lovesick, because I'm in love with my boyfriend. God help me but I am, so very much.