(no subject)
You know the drill.
When the hell did my life get so confusing?
I have so many things to deal with and I'm not sure how I can, nor am I sure I want to. Jo and I had this huge fight; in all the years I've known him I can't recall it being this bad. Such hateful things, things I said that I didn't really mean. I have no idea where that anger came from. I hate fighting with him, even when he hangs up on me. It may be silly but there you go.
After a few days, I had to call him. Good or bad I couldn't let things lie as they did. I had to make him believe that things he heard weren't true, that I wouldn't do that to him. I thought he wouldn't want to talk to me; that I'd say what I wanted to and I'd be back on the otherside of the wall he puts up around himself, but he didn't, and we talked. Really talked. About us. About what happened between him and Peter. It... it was nice to talk, have things somewhat back to just Johan and Wayne.
I told him about Pern. It was only fair. I don't know what's going on with us. It's been good the past few weeks with her. And having a woman in my life hasn't happened in a while. But I'm not sure how I feel about her. She's great and beautiful, and makes me feel like she needs me. She's had such a bad thing going with her ex-husband. I don't how long it's been for someone to be nice to her either. And she likes me for me too. She didn't come after me because of her I am or what I do, and it's not for the money. She has plenty of her own. A man would be foolish to pass up having a woman like her in their life. So why am I having second thoughts about us.
Then there's Jonathan. My wonderful young teammate. He's been through so much in the last few months, and it's furthest from my mind to see him hurt, or hurt him myself but that's what I think I've done. We got together under the guise of just having fun, no strings attached. Only I'm not sure what happened. Somewhere along the line, things changed, for both of us.
I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. How do I make the right choice? What is the right choice? No matter what I do and whom I pick, two people I love and care for are going to be hurt. Do I pick the person who's known me so long, who I've risked everything for, and left myself open to? Do I pick the whirlwind beauty who makes me remember what loving a woman feels like? Or do I pick my fun and amazing teammate who wants my help and makes me feel way to young again?
I can't string them all along, nor can I make a rash decision. I really want to be selfish and have them all in my life, but I don't think that can happen. Jo's giving me space and I love him for it. I have to find Jonathan and talk to him, and Pern, well I have no idea how I'm going to approach this with her.
I have some serious thinking to do. I wanted to go to Edmonton still, and go home to Toronto not only to see Mom and Dad but the World Cup official starts next week.
Like I said, when the hell did my life become so confusing?