What Was Left Unsaid: Under and Out
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Sean, Joey, Snake aka Mr. Simpson.
Brief summary of this chapter: Chapter 10 leads right into 11 and we're back at the party with Craig and Sean. How is this night going to end?
11. Under and Out
Joey was surprised to find the house empty and dark. Prior to that moment, he didn’t think much of not hearing from Craig. He figured that Craig was with a friend and had forgotten to check in with him. He assumed he’d find him here. Or discover a note taped to the refrigerator which explained that he was at the movies with friends or over at Ashley’s house. There was no note. Once Angela was settled, Joey went for the answering machine. A message from his mother, the woman he went on a date with last weekend, and the Degrassi Community School. Craig skipped his last two periods of school. Why would he do that? Joey felt his heart rate pick up once he realized that was the last message. Craig didn’t call. He didn’t know where Craig was. Joey immediately shut the machine off, picked up the phone, and began calling Craig’s friends. Lastly, he called Simpson when Craig‘s friends stated that they hadn‘t seen him.
“Craig skipped out on school. Did you know? Why didn’t you tell me?” he couldn’t help but ramble.
“He was in my class. That was the last I’ve seen of him. I didn’t know. Did you try his friends?”
“Yes. Every single one of them…that I know of. I don’t know if he’s given me the number of all his friends. None of them seem to know where he is, if I can get a hold of them. I don’t know what to do.”
“Don’t panic. He’s a teenager. I’m sure he’s fine. He probably skipped with a friend he just spaced out. Give him a few hours.”
Joey gave Craig that. It was difficult but he managed to carry on with the normal household activities. Once Angie was in bed, nothing could distract him. Too many scenarios were running through his head. Craig ran away, a suicide attempt was in the works, his father picked him up, or he went to his father’s willingly and was in trouble now. Too many hours had passed. He had to act now. He found himself on the phone with Simpson again.
“Craig still isn’t home,” Joey frantically stated. “I should go check out his favorite hang outs. Angela…”
“Hey, look, I’ll be right over with a list of his classmates phone numbers and I‘ll sit with Angie. I see him around with Marco, Jimmy, and Spinner. Have you tried them?”
“Craig didn’t give me Spinner’s number. I have Marco and Jimmy’s. They haven’t heard from him. No answer at Sean’s,” Joey sighed. “Something is wrong, Snake, I can feel it. I don’t know what to do. I just know something is wrong.”
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Craig could instantly detect when the painkiller buzz was fading. He was starting to feel conversations with his high school peers becoming forced. Before, he was confident and any negative thoughts was numbed. And he didn’t worry about Joey’s reaction to all this. He could just imagine the consequences at his father’s house if he pulled a stunt like this. What would Joey’s reaction be? Would he decide that he was too much trouble? What would his mother would say if she was still alive? At that thought he took the pint of whiskey from Jay and took a swig. He struggled not to cringe at the strong taste.
“Hey, easy on the bottle there,” Sean urged and took it out of his hands and handed it back to Jay.
“Uh, thanks for the advice Mom,” Craig joked before heading back into the crowd.
Jay shook his head and watched Craig disappear. Something about this kid irked him. “He is a weird one. Hey, I’ll go grab us another round,” Jay said.
“Grab me a mountain dew, instead, will you?” Sean asked.
Jay paused. “Really, boy scout?”
“Yeah, really. I’m not in the mood tonight. And I‘m not one of those grade 9 skanks you are trying to get drunk so you can get in their pants so drop the attitude.”
“Alright. I know you have your hands full playing Manning’s babysitter.”
Sean rolled his eyes in response.
“Come on, it’s fun to get a first timer drunk,” Jay encouraged with a mischievous grin.
“Not when they’ve been popping pills.”
“I figured he was bluffing about the oxy. Trying to be a cool kid or whatever. He really is that messed up, huh? Is the ambulance acting as your chauffeur later?”
“No. You are. So ease up on him so he doesn’t blow chunks in your car.”
“Alright, alright, I hear you,” Jay said and waved his hand dismissively. “He seems like the type who would lose it after a few and crack some guys ribs anyway.”
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Craig knew that he should be keeping track of how much he’d been drinking or if the remaining oxy was still in his pocket. But he found it hard to care, especially when he found himself sitting close to a grade 11 girl on the couch. Another drink from the vodka bottle and it was passed back into her hands. Make your move, Manning, he urged himself. Her hand was on his knee now and he was still rambling about the latest CD’s he bought.
More voices, more people. Her friends, he realized. Sometimes it was hard to focus on what they were saying but they didn’t seem to care.
“Hey…so is it true that you took a whole bottle of pills awhile back?” A girl slurred out.
“Of course it’s not,” Craig mumbled, feeling panicky. He managed to remain with the group for a few moments before excusing himself, mumbling about needing another beer.
That single question hit him hard, a quick blow to his head that sobered him up some. The wonderful thing about booze was that it seemed to take all that away. He thought that it was foolproof, he was indestructible now. The past couldn’t hurt him. He was wrong. He still cared and the flood gates had been opened. He didn’t want to react, didn’t want to feel.
It just wasn’t working anymore, Craig realized after he had abandoned his half empty beer and replaced it with a few shots of whiskey. He had to go “home” and try to fix things. He kept repeating to himself that he didn’t care what happened to him.
“Sean, I think I’m going to head back to Joey‘s,” Craig slurred to his friend after he found him in the crowd.
“Oh. Well, I’ll head out then too,” Sean agreed.
“Are you sure? If you are having a good time…”
“Nah, I’m over this,” Sean said and glanced around for Jay. He hadn’t seen him or the other guys they had hitched a ride with. “Let’s go outside and see if Jay’s friend’s car is still here.”
“Yeah. Air would be good. There’s not enough air in here.”
“Right…” Sean shrugged at his drunken friend. They picked the right moment to exit the party, Sean realized when he saw Craig sink down onto the curb. He looked away once he heard the sounds of vomiting.
“Feel better?” He questioned when he heard the heaves stop.
“Yeah,” Craig mumbled and made a weak attempt to get onto his feet. He felt Sean take a hold of him and yank him up. He hoped that the spinning lights wouldn’t make him barf again.
“Good because I’m pretty sure that Jay and his friends ditched us and I don’t want you puking on the bus.”
While they waited at the stop Craig couldn’t help but think. It almost made him want to head back to the party and down a few more. This just had to stop.
“I think I might’ve made a mistake tonight,” Craig mumbled to Sean.
“Yeah, you are going to have a headache as a reminder tomorrow too. Geez, do you have any gum? You reek.”
“No I mean…Joey’s going to be pissed. I don’t know what he’s going to do. I don‘t know why I can‘t do anything right.”
“I can come in with you,” Sean offered.
“No. It’ll be fine. He‘s not my dad,” Craig mumbled as he realized that Joey wasn’t like his father. “I thought that he would’ve called over Thanksgiving.”
“Who?”
“My dad. I mean I know why he didn’t. Of course he wouldn’t. Why would he?” Craig rambled out of intoxication. He ran a hand over his face and noticed that his palms were sweaty despite the cold. Actually he was rather warm. He unzipped his coat.
“Oh yeah, you don’t live with him anymore, right?”
“That’s right. So of course he wouldn’t call.”
“I didn’t talk to mine over the holiday break either,” Sean shrugged.
Craig met his friend’s eyes. “Why don’t you live with them?”
“It’s just easier at my brother’s.”
“Did they hit you?”
“Nah, they were too drunk to do that.”
“Oh,” Craig mumbled and stared off into the night for a moment. “You never asked me what happened.”
“Excuse me?”
“Why I’m at Joey’s now…where I was when I missed all that school.”
“It’s not any of my business.”
“If I tell you something can we pretend I never did?”
“You probably won’t remember.”
“I hope not,” Craig slurred. Then he blurted it out, “I was in the hospital. Cause of my dad.“
“What the hell did he do to you?!” Sean couldn’t help but exclaim.
“Oh no, he didn’t…um, I mean, it wasn’t cause of that really. I oded on pills. Cause things were sort of nuts at my dad’s.”
“Oh. The same shit you were taking tonight?”
“Yeah. Yeah…tonight was a mistake. I’m not trying to kill myself.”
“Good to know.”
Craig suddenly shot up and began pacing. “You have no idea…how much I just…want this to stop.”
Craig was a moody drunk, Sean realized. He stood up and carefully watched his friend. He watched Craig slap his hand against the glass of the bus stop shelter. “Just stop…” he heard Craig mutter. When Craig finally looked back at him he could see tears in his eyes. “I can‘t think right.”
“Just settle down. It’s the booze, Craig.”
“It’s supposed to slow everything now, not make it so crazy like this!”
“I think I see the bus, Craig. Just pull it together, okay? You’re heading home and then you can just sleep it off.”
“Sometimes it’s so hard to sleep,” Craig mumbled in response as they boarded the bus. Sean kept a hand underneath Craig’s elbow and steered them towards an empty seat. He was thankful the driver, who looked like he hadn’t had the will to live in hours, was completely disinterested in them. Sean was even more grateful that Craig, who claimed he had trouble sleeping, passed out on the ride home.
Sean woke him up a few stops before theirs, worried that that would be a battle. But it wasn’t a struggle and Craig seemed a bit more sober. As they walked down the street to Craig and Joey’s, Sean noted that Craig seemed a little less sloppy.
He stopped Craig a few houses down from Joey’s. “Okay…just go inside and say you are tired. Go straight up to your room. Don’t say too much. Just go upstairs, okay?”
Craig nodded and continued walking, happy with this plan. At the moment he just didn’t care.
“You sure you are going to be okay?” Sean called out.
“I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later.”
Sean watched Craig fumble the doorknob and disappeared into the house. He could see the downstairs was still lit. Joey must be waiting up for him.
“You are so screwed,” Sean whispered. He waited a few moments before turning away and heading home.
Craig tried to enter the house unnoticed but that was blown when he tripped over a ripple in the rug and stumbled into the wall. He steadied himself and watched as Joey came out from the kitchen,
“Where were you?” Joey asked as he quickly approached Craig.
Craig looked at Joey and then saw Simpson standing off in the living room. He briefly flashed back to the night when he came here, desperate with a stomach full of enough painkillers to kill him.
“I’m really tired,” Craig said and turned for the stairs. “I’m going to go upstairs…go to bed.”
Joey touched Craig’s shoulder, “No, I think we need to talk.”
Craig slowly turned around to face his stepfather. He tried not to breath on Joey and struggled to sober up his drunk Jell-O body. Craig searched his mind for something to say. Joey recognized the signs immediately. Hell, he smelled the liquor half way across the room. He wasn’t even sure how to react. Just make sure that he’s okay, Joey urged himself.
“Have you been drinking? Did you take something?”
“That’s not important,” Craig tried to dismiss.
“Tell me what you took. Do I need to take you to the hospital?”
“What is your problem? I’m fine. I just took one, so chill out. Everyone acts like I have some kind of death wish but I know what I’m doing. And I‘m fine, just took one hours ago.”
“One of what? You‘ve obviously had more than one drink. Don’t lie to me, Craig.”
“I’m not lying! I took a painkiller. I feel fine. So stop it with talking about the hospital. That’s the last thing I want to think about right now.” Craig had no idea why he just confessed about the pills, other than it was nagging on his conscious.
“Okay. But you’ve been drinking.”
Craig could only stare at Joey and shrug. What did he want him to say? Joey just shook his head in return, thinking about all that worrying he had done. He couldn‘t help but feel hurt that Craig had deliberately skipped out of school and stayed out late despite that he knew he would worry people. “Head on up to bed then,” Joey declared. Craig could hear the disappointment in his voice. He watched as his stepfather headed into the kitchen. Craig found himself following.
“You’re angry at me,” Craig stated but it came out as more of a question. Joey had never been angry at him. He couldn’t help but be curious of the situation.
“Craig, let’s not get into this tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow morning.”
“No,” Craig said. Then he repeated more forcefully. “No. I want to talk about this now. I know what’s going to come up. Sauvé and counseling and my dad and cutting and blah blah blah. Can’t we just deal with it now so I don’t have to tomorrow?”
“You are in no condition to talk right now,” Joey tried.
Craig stared at Joey for a few moments and then turned away. He took a few steps and stumbled. He looked over to find that Simpson had steadied him.
“Oh wow…you know what this reminds me of? That night…remember that night when I took all those pills and I was falling all over you guys and puking on the floor?”
“I remember that night, yes.”
“Yeah…me too. But you know what? It seems so much better when I’m like this. It’s like it was just what happened, you know? It happened and it doesn’t matter cause it’s in the past. And it’s like that with my dad too right now. I could sit here and tell you guys about it. How he’d hit me. That’s how good this feels right now. This is how it should be in therapy. I should get to feel like this so I could talk about it.”
The adults stared at Craig.
“You don’t know how much it sucks,” Craig mumbled once he noticed the silence and their expressions.
Joey stared down at the floor. Just when he thought that Craig was making some progress, this had to happen.
“And you,” Craig said and drunkenly pointed a finger at Simpson, “Why are you always here when something like this happens? You aren’t supposed to know any of this!”
“Craig,” Simpson wanted to try to get Craig to stop talking before he said anything else he’d regret later. “Want to go watch some TV or something?”
“No…don’t go being all nice. Don’t be all nice about it. You know what happened,“ Craig grabbed a glass off the table and threw it at the wall.
Craig then began to push everything off the kitchen table. He turned around; breathing heavy, and looking for more things he could throw or push to the floor. Joey quickly approached him from behind and grabbed him, “Craig, calm down. It’s Joey. Calm down, I got you.”
Craig only struggled against Joey for a few seconds, and then began to settle down. Joey kept a firm grip on Craig’s arms. “Take it easy, Craig,” Joey soothed. Craig was rigid in Joey’s arms, and then Joey felt Craig sink back against him. “Take it easy, Craig,” Joey repeated. “It’s okay.”
“Please…let go of me,” Craig mumbled.
“Have you calmed down? Are you going to throw anything else? I can’t have you doing that. Angie’s in bed. She’ll be scared if you do that.”
“Angie…oh my God…I’m sorry. No…I’m not going to do that,” Craig said softly.
Joey released Craig and watched him slowly back away from him. Craig ran a hand through his hair and looked at what he had done. He looked at what he had pushed off the table; some broken dishes, remains of leftover pizza, and some magazines and papers lay on the floor.
“I’ll clean this up,” Craig said and bent down and gathered up some of the papers.
“No, Craig, it’s fine. Let me do it,” Joey said.
“I’m not…like this ever,” Craig mumbled to Joey.
“I know. Just head up to bed and sleep it off, Craig.”
“Come on, Craig,” Simpson encouraged and eased Craig up off the floor. Craig jerked out of his grasp once he was on his feet.
“I’m fine,” he snapped and began to make his way out of the kitchen and into the living room.
Craig stumbled and reached for the bookshelf to steady himself. In slow motion, he watched a framed photograph of him, his mother, and baby Angie fall to the floor. He barely heard the glass shatter. He only knew it from the glass shards on the hardwood floor. He stood there and stared down at their smiling faces. Things were so different now. All of it could have been different if his mother was still here.
“I’ve got it, Craig,” Joey said and kneeled down to pick up the large shards.
“My mom never drank,” Craig mumbled as he recalled how he’d only see a glass of wine in her hand during the holidays.
Joey glanced up at Craig. “Just head up to bed.”
“Joey…sometimes I don’t care what happens to me. I realized that tonight. I mean, if my mom was still here I could probably care. Just cause I wouldn’t want to hurt her. I know she’d be so upset over all this, what I am now. But she’s not here!”
Joey stood up so he could look Craig in the eyes. He gently touched Craig’s arm. “Just sleep it off. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
Craig gave a feeble nod in reply and made his way towards the stairs, weaving slightly as he walked. Once in his room, he didn’t bother turning down the bed or undressing. He flopped down and watched the room spin until it faded to black.
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
The first time Joey checked on his stepson, he didn’t enter the room. He could hear Craig drunk crying. He wasn’t sure if the teen was asleep or awake and didn’t want to find out because the last thing he was ready for was another confrontation. Despite that he was exhausted, he couldn’t sleep. He found himself creeping out into the hall and pausing by Craig’s door. He kept it cracked open so he could peek in and listen for the sound of the Craig breathing. Once he was certain that they were in the clear, he entered and set a bottle of water on the night table. That kid was going to be hurting in the morning. Before he shut off the light, his eyes rested on Craig’s left wrist. The teenager had been cutting again. Joey watched as Craig slept for a few moments. Then he flicked out the light and silently exited.
“I don’t know how to help you,” Joey said to himself as he laid in bed and waited for sleep.
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Joey paused outside Craig’s bedroom door. He wasn’t sure exactly how to address this situation. If only Craig’s actions were more innocent. If only he was a kid experimenting with alcohol for the first time. But he knew there was more going on than that and it frightened him. Craig completely bypassed wondering how it felt to be high or drunk and dived completely into wanting to be wasted so he could escape. He couldn’t just order Craig up and out of bed so the teen could get a head start on the laundry, one of the many chores he’d be tackling this weekend. No, they were going to have to talk about what was going on in Craig’s head first. He sighed and opened the door.
“Craig,” Joey greeted softly. He watched the boy shift ever so slightly but his eyes didn’t open. “Craig,” he tried again, this time a bit louder.
“Hmmm?” Craig murmured in response.
“We need to talk.”
Craig managed to open his eyes and moaned at the bright light that slipped in through the window. He rubbed at his eyes, feeling as if his eye lids had been stuck to his eyeballs all night. It took a lot of effort, but he managed to sit up. He clutched his head briefly before accepting the glass of orange juice from his stepfather. He eagerly gulped it down, feeling like he’d just spent the night in the Sahara desert without any water.
“So what’s going on?” Joey questioned.
Craig shrugged in response.
“Is the drinking and pill popping a new thing or a regular thing?”
Craig’s forehead scrunched as he processed this information. How did Joey know about all that? It was slowly coming back to him now. “That was the only time I’ve ever done it.”
“Do you have any idea how dangerous it was to mix those kind of pills with alcohol? Craig, they are both downers. They work to depress your system. You take too much and that‘s it, you stop breathing and your heart stops working.”
“I was careful though! It’s not like I took them with the alcohol.”
“Are you really making an excuse for this?”
“No, but I want you to know that I’m not trying to hurt myself.”
Joey could only shake his head. The whole situation felt like Craig’s second chance. How many chances would this kid get before he seriously hurt himself?
“My dad took them. I think they mellowed him out,” Craig explained.
“That’s not what they are to be used for! Those pills are addictive. I don‘t know if your dad had a problem with them or not but that‘s not what they are supposed to be used for.”
“Stuff like valium is. If it helps, why not?”
“Do you really believe that it helped your dad’s situation any?”
“Joey, I can’t do this. I can’t…it’s like I come up with a way to deal and you all just take it away. I can’t cut, I can’t drink, I can’t take pills unless you all want me to take them. I really don’t understand what the difference is either. What do you want me to do?”
Joey didn’t even know where to begin with that statement. “I want you to start talking in therapy. Talk about whatever it is that’s going through your head that makes you think that you have to do things that hurt yourself in order to cope.”
“The pills don’t hurt me any. My dad even gave them to me once,” Craig explained, still desperate to downplay his mistakes.
“What? He gave them to you?”
“Yeah. It was after…” Craig couldn’t finish.
Joey’s mouth dropped. His father hurt him so bad that he had to dope him up on painkillers? “But then you took them because you were in physical pain?” he managed to question.
Craig couldn’t meet Joey’s eyes. He looked around the room at the posters on his walls, the pile of clothes in front of the closet, and then down at his lap. It was then that he remembered the cutting. Too many secrets, Craig thought to himself as he gave a good yank on his long sleeve in an effort to conceal the healing cuts. He glanced up and saw Joey’s eyes fill with sad concern.
“I’m sorry. I’m just making excuses,” Craig finally mumbled, his voice just barely above a whisper. He couldn‘t look at his stepfather. “I messed up…I’m sorry.”
“Yes, you did mess up. You are grounded. Home, school, home and that's it.”
Craig nodded, still avoiding Joey’s gaze. So much worse would happen to him at his dad’s house. Sometimes he wondered if being treated like that was something that a person like him needed. He was such a screw up. “This is so strange,” Craig couldn’t help but say.
“I know you are still having trouble adjusting to this. That’s what Ms. Sauvé is there for. Please talk to her. Please…try.”
“Did she call you and tell you about yesterday?” Craig looked up and saw that Joey looked confused.
“No. I got a message from the school secretary about your absence. Why would Ms. Sauvé call me?”
“Oh,” Craig mumbled, a bit shocked. “Wow, I thought that she would tell you.”
“I’m not sure what you are talking about Craig, but I think this just proves that you can trust her.”
“Yeah maybe.”
“But I’m sure she’s going to bring this up. The school knows you skipped.”
Craig sighed in response. He wished that his stepfather would just leave the room. He felt defeated and stupid. He knew he messed up, what more did Joey want? He stared down at his hands and listened to the uncomfortable silence.
“Craig, last night…something you said…I have to bring it up. It’s got me worried about you, buddy. You said that sometimes you don’t care what happens to you. That if your mom was here you’d care more.”
Craig shrugged. “I don’t remember that,” he lied. “I was drunk.”
Joey nodded. “Okay. But…look, I just want to make sure that you know how much Angie and I care about you. You are family to us. Angie needs her big brother. We need you. So just…please…try.”
Craig couldn’t find anything to say at first. “Okay. I’ll try.”
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Sean, Joey, Snake aka Mr. Simpson.
Brief summary of this chapter: Chapter 10 leads right into 11 and we're back at the party with Craig and Sean. How is this night going to end?
11. Under and Out
Joey was surprised to find the house empty and dark. Prior to that moment, he didn’t think much of not hearing from Craig. He figured that Craig was with a friend and had forgotten to check in with him. He assumed he’d find him here. Or discover a note taped to the refrigerator which explained that he was at the movies with friends or over at Ashley’s house. There was no note. Once Angela was settled, Joey went for the answering machine. A message from his mother, the woman he went on a date with last weekend, and the Degrassi Community School. Craig skipped his last two periods of school. Why would he do that? Joey felt his heart rate pick up once he realized that was the last message. Craig didn’t call. He didn’t know where Craig was. Joey immediately shut the machine off, picked up the phone, and began calling Craig’s friends. Lastly, he called Simpson when Craig‘s friends stated that they hadn‘t seen him.
“Craig skipped out on school. Did you know? Why didn’t you tell me?” he couldn’t help but ramble.
“He was in my class. That was the last I’ve seen of him. I didn’t know. Did you try his friends?”
“Yes. Every single one of them…that I know of. I don’t know if he’s given me the number of all his friends. None of them seem to know where he is, if I can get a hold of them. I don’t know what to do.”
“Don’t panic. He’s a teenager. I’m sure he’s fine. He probably skipped with a friend he just spaced out. Give him a few hours.”
Joey gave Craig that. It was difficult but he managed to carry on with the normal household activities. Once Angie was in bed, nothing could distract him. Too many scenarios were running through his head. Craig ran away, a suicide attempt was in the works, his father picked him up, or he went to his father’s willingly and was in trouble now. Too many hours had passed. He had to act now. He found himself on the phone with Simpson again.
“Craig still isn’t home,” Joey frantically stated. “I should go check out his favorite hang outs. Angela…”
“Hey, look, I’ll be right over with a list of his classmates phone numbers and I‘ll sit with Angie. I see him around with Marco, Jimmy, and Spinner. Have you tried them?”
“Craig didn’t give me Spinner’s number. I have Marco and Jimmy’s. They haven’t heard from him. No answer at Sean’s,” Joey sighed. “Something is wrong, Snake, I can feel it. I don’t know what to do. I just know something is wrong.”
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Craig could instantly detect when the painkiller buzz was fading. He was starting to feel conversations with his high school peers becoming forced. Before, he was confident and any negative thoughts was numbed. And he didn’t worry about Joey’s reaction to all this. He could just imagine the consequences at his father’s house if he pulled a stunt like this. What would Joey’s reaction be? Would he decide that he was too much trouble? What would his mother would say if she was still alive? At that thought he took the pint of whiskey from Jay and took a swig. He struggled not to cringe at the strong taste.
“Hey, easy on the bottle there,” Sean urged and took it out of his hands and handed it back to Jay.
“Uh, thanks for the advice Mom,” Craig joked before heading back into the crowd.
Jay shook his head and watched Craig disappear. Something about this kid irked him. “He is a weird one. Hey, I’ll go grab us another round,” Jay said.
“Grab me a mountain dew, instead, will you?” Sean asked.
Jay paused. “Really, boy scout?”
“Yeah, really. I’m not in the mood tonight. And I‘m not one of those grade 9 skanks you are trying to get drunk so you can get in their pants so drop the attitude.”
“Alright. I know you have your hands full playing Manning’s babysitter.”
Sean rolled his eyes in response.
“Come on, it’s fun to get a first timer drunk,” Jay encouraged with a mischievous grin.
“Not when they’ve been popping pills.”
“I figured he was bluffing about the oxy. Trying to be a cool kid or whatever. He really is that messed up, huh? Is the ambulance acting as your chauffeur later?”
“No. You are. So ease up on him so he doesn’t blow chunks in your car.”
“Alright, alright, I hear you,” Jay said and waved his hand dismissively. “He seems like the type who would lose it after a few and crack some guys ribs anyway.”
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Craig knew that he should be keeping track of how much he’d been drinking or if the remaining oxy was still in his pocket. But he found it hard to care, especially when he found himself sitting close to a grade 11 girl on the couch. Another drink from the vodka bottle and it was passed back into her hands. Make your move, Manning, he urged himself. Her hand was on his knee now and he was still rambling about the latest CD’s he bought.
More voices, more people. Her friends, he realized. Sometimes it was hard to focus on what they were saying but they didn’t seem to care.
“Hey…so is it true that you took a whole bottle of pills awhile back?” A girl slurred out.
“Of course it’s not,” Craig mumbled, feeling panicky. He managed to remain with the group for a few moments before excusing himself, mumbling about needing another beer.
That single question hit him hard, a quick blow to his head that sobered him up some. The wonderful thing about booze was that it seemed to take all that away. He thought that it was foolproof, he was indestructible now. The past couldn’t hurt him. He was wrong. He still cared and the flood gates had been opened. He didn’t want to react, didn’t want to feel.
It just wasn’t working anymore, Craig realized after he had abandoned his half empty beer and replaced it with a few shots of whiskey. He had to go “home” and try to fix things. He kept repeating to himself that he didn’t care what happened to him.
“Sean, I think I’m going to head back to Joey‘s,” Craig slurred to his friend after he found him in the crowd.
“Oh. Well, I’ll head out then too,” Sean agreed.
“Are you sure? If you are having a good time…”
“Nah, I’m over this,” Sean said and glanced around for Jay. He hadn’t seen him or the other guys they had hitched a ride with. “Let’s go outside and see if Jay’s friend’s car is still here.”
“Yeah. Air would be good. There’s not enough air in here.”
“Right…” Sean shrugged at his drunken friend. They picked the right moment to exit the party, Sean realized when he saw Craig sink down onto the curb. He looked away once he heard the sounds of vomiting.
“Feel better?” He questioned when he heard the heaves stop.
“Yeah,” Craig mumbled and made a weak attempt to get onto his feet. He felt Sean take a hold of him and yank him up. He hoped that the spinning lights wouldn’t make him barf again.
“Good because I’m pretty sure that Jay and his friends ditched us and I don’t want you puking on the bus.”
While they waited at the stop Craig couldn’t help but think. It almost made him want to head back to the party and down a few more. This just had to stop.
“I think I might’ve made a mistake tonight,” Craig mumbled to Sean.
“Yeah, you are going to have a headache as a reminder tomorrow too. Geez, do you have any gum? You reek.”
“No I mean…Joey’s going to be pissed. I don’t know what he’s going to do. I don‘t know why I can‘t do anything right.”
“I can come in with you,” Sean offered.
“No. It’ll be fine. He‘s not my dad,” Craig mumbled as he realized that Joey wasn’t like his father. “I thought that he would’ve called over Thanksgiving.”
“Who?”
“My dad. I mean I know why he didn’t. Of course he wouldn’t. Why would he?” Craig rambled out of intoxication. He ran a hand over his face and noticed that his palms were sweaty despite the cold. Actually he was rather warm. He unzipped his coat.
“Oh yeah, you don’t live with him anymore, right?”
“That’s right. So of course he wouldn’t call.”
“I didn’t talk to mine over the holiday break either,” Sean shrugged.
Craig met his friend’s eyes. “Why don’t you live with them?”
“It’s just easier at my brother’s.”
“Did they hit you?”
“Nah, they were too drunk to do that.”
“Oh,” Craig mumbled and stared off into the night for a moment. “You never asked me what happened.”
“Excuse me?”
“Why I’m at Joey’s now…where I was when I missed all that school.”
“It’s not any of my business.”
“If I tell you something can we pretend I never did?”
“You probably won’t remember.”
“I hope not,” Craig slurred. Then he blurted it out, “I was in the hospital. Cause of my dad.“
“What the hell did he do to you?!” Sean couldn’t help but exclaim.
“Oh no, he didn’t…um, I mean, it wasn’t cause of that really. I oded on pills. Cause things were sort of nuts at my dad’s.”
“Oh. The same shit you were taking tonight?”
“Yeah. Yeah…tonight was a mistake. I’m not trying to kill myself.”
“Good to know.”
Craig suddenly shot up and began pacing. “You have no idea…how much I just…want this to stop.”
Craig was a moody drunk, Sean realized. He stood up and carefully watched his friend. He watched Craig slap his hand against the glass of the bus stop shelter. “Just stop…” he heard Craig mutter. When Craig finally looked back at him he could see tears in his eyes. “I can‘t think right.”
“Just settle down. It’s the booze, Craig.”
“It’s supposed to slow everything now, not make it so crazy like this!”
“I think I see the bus, Craig. Just pull it together, okay? You’re heading home and then you can just sleep it off.”
“Sometimes it’s so hard to sleep,” Craig mumbled in response as they boarded the bus. Sean kept a hand underneath Craig’s elbow and steered them towards an empty seat. He was thankful the driver, who looked like he hadn’t had the will to live in hours, was completely disinterested in them. Sean was even more grateful that Craig, who claimed he had trouble sleeping, passed out on the ride home.
Sean woke him up a few stops before theirs, worried that that would be a battle. But it wasn’t a struggle and Craig seemed a bit more sober. As they walked down the street to Craig and Joey’s, Sean noted that Craig seemed a little less sloppy.
He stopped Craig a few houses down from Joey’s. “Okay…just go inside and say you are tired. Go straight up to your room. Don’t say too much. Just go upstairs, okay?”
Craig nodded and continued walking, happy with this plan. At the moment he just didn’t care.
“You sure you are going to be okay?” Sean called out.
“I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later.”
Sean watched Craig fumble the doorknob and disappeared into the house. He could see the downstairs was still lit. Joey must be waiting up for him.
“You are so screwed,” Sean whispered. He waited a few moments before turning away and heading home.
Craig tried to enter the house unnoticed but that was blown when he tripped over a ripple in the rug and stumbled into the wall. He steadied himself and watched as Joey came out from the kitchen,
“Where were you?” Joey asked as he quickly approached Craig.
Craig looked at Joey and then saw Simpson standing off in the living room. He briefly flashed back to the night when he came here, desperate with a stomach full of enough painkillers to kill him.
“I’m really tired,” Craig said and turned for the stairs. “I’m going to go upstairs…go to bed.”
Joey touched Craig’s shoulder, “No, I think we need to talk.”
Craig slowly turned around to face his stepfather. He tried not to breath on Joey and struggled to sober up his drunk Jell-O body. Craig searched his mind for something to say. Joey recognized the signs immediately. Hell, he smelled the liquor half way across the room. He wasn’t even sure how to react. Just make sure that he’s okay, Joey urged himself.
“Have you been drinking? Did you take something?”
“That’s not important,” Craig tried to dismiss.
“Tell me what you took. Do I need to take you to the hospital?”
“What is your problem? I’m fine. I just took one, so chill out. Everyone acts like I have some kind of death wish but I know what I’m doing. And I‘m fine, just took one hours ago.”
“One of what? You‘ve obviously had more than one drink. Don’t lie to me, Craig.”
“I’m not lying! I took a painkiller. I feel fine. So stop it with talking about the hospital. That’s the last thing I want to think about right now.” Craig had no idea why he just confessed about the pills, other than it was nagging on his conscious.
“Okay. But you’ve been drinking.”
Craig could only stare at Joey and shrug. What did he want him to say? Joey just shook his head in return, thinking about all that worrying he had done. He couldn‘t help but feel hurt that Craig had deliberately skipped out of school and stayed out late despite that he knew he would worry people. “Head on up to bed then,” Joey declared. Craig could hear the disappointment in his voice. He watched as his stepfather headed into the kitchen. Craig found himself following.
“You’re angry at me,” Craig stated but it came out as more of a question. Joey had never been angry at him. He couldn’t help but be curious of the situation.
“Craig, let’s not get into this tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow morning.”
“No,” Craig said. Then he repeated more forcefully. “No. I want to talk about this now. I know what’s going to come up. Sauvé and counseling and my dad and cutting and blah blah blah. Can’t we just deal with it now so I don’t have to tomorrow?”
“You are in no condition to talk right now,” Joey tried.
Craig stared at Joey for a few moments and then turned away. He took a few steps and stumbled. He looked over to find that Simpson had steadied him.
“Oh wow…you know what this reminds me of? That night…remember that night when I took all those pills and I was falling all over you guys and puking on the floor?”
“I remember that night, yes.”
“Yeah…me too. But you know what? It seems so much better when I’m like this. It’s like it was just what happened, you know? It happened and it doesn’t matter cause it’s in the past. And it’s like that with my dad too right now. I could sit here and tell you guys about it. How he’d hit me. That’s how good this feels right now. This is how it should be in therapy. I should get to feel like this so I could talk about it.”
The adults stared at Craig.
“You don’t know how much it sucks,” Craig mumbled once he noticed the silence and their expressions.
Joey stared down at the floor. Just when he thought that Craig was making some progress, this had to happen.
“And you,” Craig said and drunkenly pointed a finger at Simpson, “Why are you always here when something like this happens? You aren’t supposed to know any of this!”
“Craig,” Simpson wanted to try to get Craig to stop talking before he said anything else he’d regret later. “Want to go watch some TV or something?”
“No…don’t go being all nice. Don’t be all nice about it. You know what happened,“ Craig grabbed a glass off the table and threw it at the wall.
Craig then began to push everything off the kitchen table. He turned around; breathing heavy, and looking for more things he could throw or push to the floor. Joey quickly approached him from behind and grabbed him, “Craig, calm down. It’s Joey. Calm down, I got you.”
Craig only struggled against Joey for a few seconds, and then began to settle down. Joey kept a firm grip on Craig’s arms. “Take it easy, Craig,” Joey soothed. Craig was rigid in Joey’s arms, and then Joey felt Craig sink back against him. “Take it easy, Craig,” Joey repeated. “It’s okay.”
“Please…let go of me,” Craig mumbled.
“Have you calmed down? Are you going to throw anything else? I can’t have you doing that. Angie’s in bed. She’ll be scared if you do that.”
“Angie…oh my God…I’m sorry. No…I’m not going to do that,” Craig said softly.
Joey released Craig and watched him slowly back away from him. Craig ran a hand through his hair and looked at what he had done. He looked at what he had pushed off the table; some broken dishes, remains of leftover pizza, and some magazines and papers lay on the floor.
“I’ll clean this up,” Craig said and bent down and gathered up some of the papers.
“No, Craig, it’s fine. Let me do it,” Joey said.
“I’m not…like this ever,” Craig mumbled to Joey.
“I know. Just head up to bed and sleep it off, Craig.”
“Come on, Craig,” Simpson encouraged and eased Craig up off the floor. Craig jerked out of his grasp once he was on his feet.
“I’m fine,” he snapped and began to make his way out of the kitchen and into the living room.
Craig stumbled and reached for the bookshelf to steady himself. In slow motion, he watched a framed photograph of him, his mother, and baby Angie fall to the floor. He barely heard the glass shatter. He only knew it from the glass shards on the hardwood floor. He stood there and stared down at their smiling faces. Things were so different now. All of it could have been different if his mother was still here.
“I’ve got it, Craig,” Joey said and kneeled down to pick up the large shards.
“My mom never drank,” Craig mumbled as he recalled how he’d only see a glass of wine in her hand during the holidays.
Joey glanced up at Craig. “Just head up to bed.”
“Joey…sometimes I don’t care what happens to me. I realized that tonight. I mean, if my mom was still here I could probably care. Just cause I wouldn’t want to hurt her. I know she’d be so upset over all this, what I am now. But she’s not here!”
Joey stood up so he could look Craig in the eyes. He gently touched Craig’s arm. “Just sleep it off. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
Craig gave a feeble nod in reply and made his way towards the stairs, weaving slightly as he walked. Once in his room, he didn’t bother turning down the bed or undressing. He flopped down and watched the room spin until it faded to black.
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
The first time Joey checked on his stepson, he didn’t enter the room. He could hear Craig drunk crying. He wasn’t sure if the teen was asleep or awake and didn’t want to find out because the last thing he was ready for was another confrontation. Despite that he was exhausted, he couldn’t sleep. He found himself creeping out into the hall and pausing by Craig’s door. He kept it cracked open so he could peek in and listen for the sound of the Craig breathing. Once he was certain that they were in the clear, he entered and set a bottle of water on the night table. That kid was going to be hurting in the morning. Before he shut off the light, his eyes rested on Craig’s left wrist. The teenager had been cutting again. Joey watched as Craig slept for a few moments. Then he flicked out the light and silently exited.
“I don’t know how to help you,” Joey said to himself as he laid in bed and waited for sleep.
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Joey paused outside Craig’s bedroom door. He wasn’t sure exactly how to address this situation. If only Craig’s actions were more innocent. If only he was a kid experimenting with alcohol for the first time. But he knew there was more going on than that and it frightened him. Craig completely bypassed wondering how it felt to be high or drunk and dived completely into wanting to be wasted so he could escape. He couldn’t just order Craig up and out of bed so the teen could get a head start on the laundry, one of the many chores he’d be tackling this weekend. No, they were going to have to talk about what was going on in Craig’s head first. He sighed and opened the door.
“Craig,” Joey greeted softly. He watched the boy shift ever so slightly but his eyes didn’t open. “Craig,” he tried again, this time a bit louder.
“Hmmm?” Craig murmured in response.
“We need to talk.”
Craig managed to open his eyes and moaned at the bright light that slipped in through the window. He rubbed at his eyes, feeling as if his eye lids had been stuck to his eyeballs all night. It took a lot of effort, but he managed to sit up. He clutched his head briefly before accepting the glass of orange juice from his stepfather. He eagerly gulped it down, feeling like he’d just spent the night in the Sahara desert without any water.
“So what’s going on?” Joey questioned.
Craig shrugged in response.
“Is the drinking and pill popping a new thing or a regular thing?”
Craig’s forehead scrunched as he processed this information. How did Joey know about all that? It was slowly coming back to him now. “That was the only time I’ve ever done it.”
“Do you have any idea how dangerous it was to mix those kind of pills with alcohol? Craig, they are both downers. They work to depress your system. You take too much and that‘s it, you stop breathing and your heart stops working.”
“I was careful though! It’s not like I took them with the alcohol.”
“Are you really making an excuse for this?”
“No, but I want you to know that I’m not trying to hurt myself.”
Joey could only shake his head. The whole situation felt like Craig’s second chance. How many chances would this kid get before he seriously hurt himself?
“My dad took them. I think they mellowed him out,” Craig explained.
“That’s not what they are to be used for! Those pills are addictive. I don‘t know if your dad had a problem with them or not but that‘s not what they are supposed to be used for.”
“Stuff like valium is. If it helps, why not?”
“Do you really believe that it helped your dad’s situation any?”
“Joey, I can’t do this. I can’t…it’s like I come up with a way to deal and you all just take it away. I can’t cut, I can’t drink, I can’t take pills unless you all want me to take them. I really don’t understand what the difference is either. What do you want me to do?”
Joey didn’t even know where to begin with that statement. “I want you to start talking in therapy. Talk about whatever it is that’s going through your head that makes you think that you have to do things that hurt yourself in order to cope.”
“The pills don’t hurt me any. My dad even gave them to me once,” Craig explained, still desperate to downplay his mistakes.
“What? He gave them to you?”
“Yeah. It was after…” Craig couldn’t finish.
Joey’s mouth dropped. His father hurt him so bad that he had to dope him up on painkillers? “But then you took them because you were in physical pain?” he managed to question.
Craig couldn’t meet Joey’s eyes. He looked around the room at the posters on his walls, the pile of clothes in front of the closet, and then down at his lap. It was then that he remembered the cutting. Too many secrets, Craig thought to himself as he gave a good yank on his long sleeve in an effort to conceal the healing cuts. He glanced up and saw Joey’s eyes fill with sad concern.
“I’m sorry. I’m just making excuses,” Craig finally mumbled, his voice just barely above a whisper. He couldn‘t look at his stepfather. “I messed up…I’m sorry.”
“Yes, you did mess up. You are grounded. Home, school, home and that's it.”
Craig nodded, still avoiding Joey’s gaze. So much worse would happen to him at his dad’s house. Sometimes he wondered if being treated like that was something that a person like him needed. He was such a screw up. “This is so strange,” Craig couldn’t help but say.
“I know you are still having trouble adjusting to this. That’s what Ms. Sauvé is there for. Please talk to her. Please…try.”
“Did she call you and tell you about yesterday?” Craig looked up and saw that Joey looked confused.
“No. I got a message from the school secretary about your absence. Why would Ms. Sauvé call me?”
“Oh,” Craig mumbled, a bit shocked. “Wow, I thought that she would tell you.”
“I’m not sure what you are talking about Craig, but I think this just proves that you can trust her.”
“Yeah maybe.”
“But I’m sure she’s going to bring this up. The school knows you skipped.”
Craig sighed in response. He wished that his stepfather would just leave the room. He felt defeated and stupid. He knew he messed up, what more did Joey want? He stared down at his hands and listened to the uncomfortable silence.
“Craig, last night…something you said…I have to bring it up. It’s got me worried about you, buddy. You said that sometimes you don’t care what happens to you. That if your mom was here you’d care more.”
Craig shrugged. “I don’t remember that,” he lied. “I was drunk.”
Joey nodded. “Okay. But…look, I just want to make sure that you know how much Angie and I care about you. You are family to us. Angie needs her big brother. We need you. So just…please…try.”
Craig couldn’t find anything to say at first. “Okay. I’ll try.”