What Was Left Unsaid: Make Your Way Home
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Joey, Albert, Sean, Ashley, Ellie. Craig/Ashley. Sean/Ellie.
Brief summary of this chapter: The holidays present Craig will questions and hesitations about where he belongs at Christmas time. It also raises many questions about what makes a family. He's allowed temporary relief from anxiety at the holiday dance with friends Ashley, Sean, and Ellie.
12. Make Your Way Home
“Craig, your dad’s on the phone,” Joey called up the stairs. Craig pounded down the stairs and snatched the phone. “Talk down here okay,” Joey instructed. He got a quick nod from Craig and the teen settled down on the living room couch. Joey went into the kitchen and began folding the laundry.
Craig picked up a pillow on the couch, placed it in his lap, and wrapped his hand tightly around it. He’d been thinking about Christmas since Thanksgiving and still had no idea what to do. His first concern was that his father wouldn’t even invite him over, which would be a fitting punishment for leaving him to live with Joey. But who cares? He didn’t, right? He couldn’t help but feel angry at how messed up and complicated all this was. He found it hard to focus on his father’s voice as they made small talk. Then it came up.
“Do you have plans for Christmas?” Albert asked.
“Uh, I guess I’m doing whatever Joey and Angie are doing,” Craig said and his eyes met with Joey’s for a moment. Craig quickly looked away and tightened his grip on the pillow.
“Oh. Well, just know that you are always welcome here.”
Craig couldn’t help but smile at that. Then it faded. “Um, I thought that we were just supposed to get together in public. Or with your family.”
“That’s what I meant, Craigger. Don’t you want to see your grandparents?”
“Sure! That would be awesome to see everyone again on Christmas,” Craig said and then felt the doubt set in. He wondered how much they knew. “Do they ever ask about me?” Craig decided on saying even though what he really wanted to know was if his father was honest about their current living arrangements.
“Of course they do. They love you. Everyone asked about you at Thanksgiving.”
“What did you say?” Craig heard his father sigh. “I’m sorry. I just…”
“You are aware that I‘m not the one who decided that you couldn‘t live here anymore aren‘t you? That was your decision. Your doing. It‘s like you are still trying to punish me.”
Craig flinched some. “No. I didn’t mean it like that. I just…wanted to know if they know I’m at Joey’s. I mean, if we’re spending Christmas with them I need to know what to say, right?”
“I told them you spent thanksgiving at your boarding school.”
Craig tried to ignore that this made his stomach ache some. “Okay,” he said softly.
“I couldn’t tell them where you were.”
“I suppose not,” Craig agreed and looked over at Joey, who had been alternating his gaze between the laundry and him. He struggled with a reason to hang up the phone. Craig could barely focus on his father, who was updating him on his extended family. His eyes widened when he saw Joey crossing across the room, laundry basket in hand.
“Craig, I need you to finish up your chores before dinner,” Joey instructed, hoping his tone was loud enough to be heard over the phone. He hated to see Craig so tense and twitchy. He hoped Craig’s short glances in his direction was his cue to interrupt the father and son phone conversation.
Craig almost sighed with relief. “Um, Dad, is it okay if I get back to you about Christmas. I mean…I have to talk to Joey and…” He found that he couldn’t mention the social worker. That was just too strange.
“I’ll take care of it, Craig. That’s what I’m here for,” Albert said. Craig noticed that his tone was curt. He had heard Joey.
“Okay, well, I’ll talk to you later then. Um,” Craig paused. He didn’t know what to say. “Take care.”
“It was nice talking to you again, Craig. I’ll take care of everything for Christmas, including your presents. I’m sure you’ve had your eye on those digital cameras that are out now. I’ll be in touch.”
“Okay. Bye,” Craig said and clicked off the phone. He exhaled heavily and then looked up at Joey. “That was weird.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
“Okay,” Joey said cautiously. “I’ll talk to Robert about Christmas plans okay?” Joey was thankful that they had the social worker as a wedge, keeping them apart so there wouldn’t be any confrontations and more importantly, keep Craig safe.
“Well I don’t have to worry about it yet do I?”
“Nothing to worry about Craig. I know you have mixed feelings about seeing him again. Just remember it’ll always be your decision if you want to see him or not. You are in control, remember?” Joey reassured, thinking of advice he had heard the social worker give his stepson. “Anyway, tonight it’ll be fun. Jeremiah festivities galore tonight. Tree trimming party!”
Craig made a face. “Oh I can hardly wait for the 80’s tunes.”
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Craig was settled comfortably in an overstuffed armchair, one leg tucked under him and his camera in his lap. He pressed on the shutter release and let it randomly captured whatever activity. Sometimes he liked to be surprised what it would catch. The f-stop setting might be a little off, might make this happy tree trimming party a little ominous. Maybe Joey would be unrecognizable, just a blur as he hung another string of lights on the tree. One of his favorite photographs of his mother was one that he took at age nine, with a plastic kiddie camera. The result was that she was almost ghostly, passing from the living room to the kitchen in early morning light. It haunted him and pleased him all the same. He still had the negative and would often play with it when he was alone in the school’s darkroom. It felt safe there, where he could just be lost in his memories of her but still distracted because he had to make a great print.
He glanced up at the sound of Caitlin giggling as she and Joey made an attempt to untangle Christmas lights. Craig couldn’t help but be interested in how Joey acted around Caitlin. There was something about the relationship that reminded him of how his stepfather was around his mom. He remembered how curious he had been when he‘d visit as a child and see Joey interacting with his mom. Things were so different when he was around Joey. He never heard Joey belittle his mother. Or Caitlin. The jokes he made with Caitlin weren’t at her expense. And Joey didn’t have that intensity when he watched them, that intensity he knew he’d seen in his father. It was like his father was always waiting. He thought he was anticipating his next screw up. But Joey was different. He wasn’t insulted if they missed the tail end of a story he was telling about work or displeased about things like empty cartons of milk left in the refrigerator.
Craig raised the camera to his face this time and brought Joey and Caitlin into focus before snapping the shot.
“Are you the paparazzi?” Caitlin asked him with a smile.
He twisted the lens to zoom in and snapped another shot, a grin on his face. After the shutter release he head her call out, “Now that’s enough…why don’t you go catch Snake or Spike in some embarrassing shot?” Craig watched Caitlin duck into the kitchen, “Dinner will be ready soon.”
His eyes moved over the small gathering of Joey’s friends. It was the usual crowd with their usual 80’s new wave music, despite the holidays. He was still grounded, stuck spending another Friday with Joey and his friends. Loud music and in their jokes and goofing off he could see glimpses of how his stepfather and his friends were as teenagers. Sometimes he felt older than them; the age was in his heart though, not his head.
Craig’s posture immediately stiffened as he heard the sound of silverware crashing to the floor.
“Sorry…sorry. You guys know me,” Caitlin mumbled as she bent down to contain the mess.
Craig’s eyes shot around the room. He saw Joey’s lips move but couldn’t hear what he said. His heart was pounding too hard and the blood was rushing to his head. He glanced at Simpson. Was he smiling? Why wasn’t anyone upset? Upset about the noise, upset about the mistake. The silverware would have to be rewashed before they ate, things wouldn’t be on time…
“Are you okay?” Joey asked and placed a hand on Craig’s shoulder. He felt the boy flinch some.
Craig felt himself crashing down, the panic fading into embarrassment. Why was he acting like this? No one else was acting like something was wrong.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” Craig reassured and forced a smile. He was always good at that, smiling just to smile. Smiles were a great way to gloss things over. They were used to hide secrets.
He was good at hiding things. That was how he was raised. With his family, it was all secrets. Even with his mother married to his father, it was all secrets. He recalled how his father had reduced her to tears before some big Christmas party for his coworkers. He couldn’t even remember what she did wrong - of course she did something wrong, they always did something wrong. He just knew that he crept into the kitchen once he heard the yelling stop. He remember he wished that he would do something in those moments. But he always felt so damn frozen. He always felt that way when his father was angry. But none of that matter because she put on her best dress and was smiling for the guests at the party. He didn’t know what else to do but do the same.
He could do the Christmas dinner with his dad and his family. It wouldn’t be that bad. Things weren’t ever that bad, he tried to tell himself. Just go with it and use whatever excuses he and his father could come up with to explain where he was over thanksgiving. He could make up fake stories about boarding school. The good thing with all this lying was that he could also lie about his biggest screw up last month when he came home trashed out of his mind. He could do this. He’d had plenty of practice pretending things were fine. He knew early on how to behave around his dad’s coworkers, parents, extended family, or anyone else he felt had to impress. They were the Mannings. Successful doctor with his dedicated wife and son that had so much potential. Play the role. No one knew, no one ever knew any different.
Things were much less complicated here at Joey’s, here in this moment. Craig couldn’t help but be fascinated by how carefree things felt. It actually unnerved him a bit. He didn’t know how to deal with that. How bizarre was that? Craig shifted his gaze to the floor; he wished he was normal.
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With a sigh, Craig wandered downstairs, giving a good yank at his pajama bottoms. He wasn’t surprised to find Joey still up. Joey glanced up from his lap top to see Craig silently digging through the fridge.
“Can’t sleep?” Joey questioned once Craig sat down at the table with a glass of milk in hand.
“Uh yeah…anxious for break I guess. What are you doing still up?”
“Ah, crunching numbers. I think I went a little overboard on Christmas presents.”
“You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to playing with Angie’s new Barbie dream house,” Craig said, his tone tinted with sarcasm.
“Angie says you need to work on your Barbie skills or she’s going shopping for a new playmate.”
“I don’t know what to do with a Barbie, Joey.”
“That’s not what your mom said. I remember her breaking out the family photos one night and there you were, five or so, playing Barbies with your cousins.”
“You are making that up. I don’t remember that!”
“You did. Except your idea of playing was taking all their clothes off and putting them in a jeep and they went road-tripping through the garden. Barbie’s hair was a big mess.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“I think Angie would want a fashion show, not military Barbie.”
“You play then.”
“We’ll make Caitlin do it. Apparently she has parties.”
“Good. I don’t like Barbies,“ Craig said with a smirk. It was quiet for a few moments, with Joey working on his laptop and Craig finishing his drink. Then he spoke up, “What’s the story with you two? She‘s over here quite a bit.”
“Story?”
“There’s these weird under currents. I thought you were with that uhhh…what’s her name…Tracy.”
“Stacy. That didn’t work out.”
“I can’t keep track of your girlfriends.”
“There’s nothing to keep track of really. But yes, I have history with Caitlin. We dated in high school. We were engaged actually.”
“Wow, that’s crazy to think about…I mean how differently things could’ve turned out.”
“Well, things happen for a reason right?”
“I guess they do,” Craig was anxious to change the subject. Thinking of his mother would just create another cycle of thinking and he knew that just meant trouble. “So…there’s this winter dance at school on Friday. And I was just wondering…I mean you never did say how long I was grounded for. And Simpson is a chaperone I think.”
Joey watched Craig and didn’t say anything. The teen had been on his best behavior and his moods seemed to have improved. But he still wasn’t convinced he could trust him. “No before or after parties, right?”
“Right. Come on, Joey. It’s at school. You and your friends are fun and all, but I’m sick of the 80’s music. You know, there’s a lot of great music out there now and it’s from you know, this decade,” Craig joked with a smile. “Come on, just give in already.”
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Craig spotted Ashley and Sean in the crowded cafeteria and hurried over. He set down his lunch tray and declared, “So the winter dance…guess who’s warden is letting him out of the big house?”
“You are officially ungrounded? That’s cool,” Sean said.
“Yup. So you guys going?”
Ashley shrugged. “El and I talked about it. We might go, for awhile anyway. Might be lame.”
“And you?” Craig asked Sean.
“It’s seniors only.”
“Oh yeah, junior.”
“Rub it in why don’t you?”
“Why don’t you crash?”
Sean shrugged.
“Let’s all meet up at my place tonight,” Ashley encouraged. “Then we’ll go to the dance.”
“Fine, whatever,” Sean said dismissively. “Tracker’s probably going to kick me out of the apartment tonight anyway.”
“You can spend the night at my place,” Craig offered. “I think it’d be cool with Joey. It’ll be holiday break and all.”
“What are you doing for the holidays Craig?” Ashley brought up, curious.
“Oh, uh, Christmas Eve with my mom’s side. Christmas day I’m with my dad’s side, I guess. Joey and Angie are going to spend the day with his parents.”
Sean and Ashley exchanged a look and then noticed the suspicion in Craig’s eyes. They made sure to wipe any concern off their faces.
“Big get together at your dad’s?” Ashley carefully asked after a moment.
“I think we’re all meeting up at my grandparents. Whatever. It‘s kind of a drag, all this complicated family crap” Craig commented.
“Kind of reminds me of how I’d spend weekends with my Dad and then go back to my Mom’s Sunday night. It was way awkward and tense. Holidays were even stranger. But you know, things are better now. Just give it time.”
“Yeah, I guess. It’s going to be awhile before it’s even half ways normal though, Ash,” Craig said and just let her steady gaze be response enough.
“Well, you can always come over and eat TV dinners with me and Tracker. His stoner buddies will probably be over. Fun times,” Sean said as he stood up. “I’ve got to get over to the MI lab and finish up an assignment really quick. Really quick. So I’ll see you guys tonight. Craig, get together after school?”
Craig nodded and gave a little wave. It was nice for things to go back to normal. “See ya after school.”
“Later, Sean,” Ashley said in her soft tone. Sean barely heard her over the noise of the caf. He gave her a small wave before heading off. Ashley shifted her attention back to her other friend. “I’m going to see you over break right?”
“Yeah, for sure. But…I’m not sure if I’ll see you before Christmas…“ Craig started and reached for his backpack. “if you have plans with the family or whatever so…” He continued as he fished through the mess in his bag and pulled out a gift. He watched her eyes light up and that was thank you enough.
“I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts,” She said quickly. “I didn’t get you anything. I feel terrible.”
“No, it’s okay!” Craig optimistically reassured. “I got everyone something.”
Ashley lowered her eyes some, feeling a little disappointed that she wasn’t the only one he thought of. She ran her fingers over the ribbon on the present.
“Well, I didn’t get Sean anything cause he said we weren’t exchanging. So I just gave him my piece of chocolate cake here at lunch. Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays…I like giving gifts.”
Ashley sincerely smiled at that. “Should I wait?”
“Open it,” Craig encouraged with a smile.
“Okay,” Ashley agreed, still smiling. She delicately picked at the tape with her long nails and peeled away the paper. Craig watched as her smile grew once the mix CD and a journal were revealed. Ashley went for the CD first, staring at the CD art cover; it was a Craig Manning original. She could always pick his photographs out of the displays at school. Ashley flipped it over and glanced over the song listings. They were all familiar. Songs they listened to after school while hanging out in her bedroom, songs that they softly played over the phone during secret late night phone calls, songs they traded on the internet, songs they felt defined them. Then she shifted her attention to the journal; it seemed handmade, old, and delicate.
“Wow. Craig. Thank you.”
“I know you like to write so…” Craig casually shrugged. “And the CD…”
Ashley nodded, touched. “I remember.”
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“So I’ll let you in the east door,” Craig plotted as the two boys walked. “I’m sure that everyone will be at the main entrance and then you are in. We’ll meet up with Ashley and Ellie in the gym.
“I’ve seen Ellie around before,” Sean admitted. “She seems…smart…hard to talk to.”
“Nah, she’s cool. She’s actually kind of quiet in a way. Real easy to be around. I usually just see her around Ash or sometimes she stops by in photography club to use the darkroom. She’s never officially joined…the instructor’s all ‘don’t you want to be in the yearbook club picture?‘ and Ellie’s all ‘yearbook pics are lame.’”
“Not a joiner huh? That’s cool,” Sean observed. “Why was she hanging around there?”
“I dunno…I think she works for the school newspaper.”
“Oh. See, smart.”
Craig rolled his eyes at that and was first to head up the Kerwin-Issacs sidewalk. “Whatever. I’ve got more important things on my mind…we’re about to deal with Kate Kerwin.”
“We have to deal with Ashley’s mother?” Sean protested.
“Ashley’s usually good at getting out the door quick,” Craig reassured as he rang the doorbell.
Sean was thankful that this appeared to be true. Ashley and Ellie were quick to descend the stairs, leaving Craig only a moment or two to make small talk with Kate. Reassures came from Ashley as the girls pulled on their coats: it was a rare warm winter night, they didn’t mind the walk or wait for the bus and yes, she’d be home on time. Then they were out the door and on their way, with Ellie by Ashley and Sean by Craig. That appeared to be the pattern in the foursome at the dance as well. Craig and Ashley were sandwiched in between the two. No one made an attempt for the dance floor until at least half way through the night. They mostly sat secluded in their little group on the bleachers, occasionally talking to other classmates.
Then Craig made his move during a slow song, “Ash, want to dance?”
And she agreed, leaning in some to give him her reply. Craig held her, feeling a little bit awkward. Was he doing this right? He could barely remember the dances his mother taught him when he was a little boy. Then he felt her move in a little closer and her fingers ran over the hair on the back of his head. He wasn’t sure if that was an accident or not. Then he met her gaze.
They slowly broke apart when the song ended, standing there wondering what to do next. Craig glanced over at Ellie and Sean. They were talking now, it seemed. Craig wondered who broke the ice.
“He made her smile,” Ashley commented once she followed Craig’s gaze.
Craig and Ashley managed to sneak back onto the dance floor for a few more slow songs. Ashley pulled him to his feet and forced him out for her favorite rock song; he couldn’t object to those blue eyes that he knew would stay fixed on him for most of the song.
“Last song of the night,” the DJ called out and everyone in the gym began to filter to the floor. Craig took Ashley’s hand this time and led her to the floor. He glanced over her shoulder and saw Sean gesture to the couples dancing and shrug at Ellie. She shrugged, nodded back, and took a place on the dance floor near Craig and Ashley.
They managed to extend their evening by walking the girls home. Along the way, Craig playfully tossed a snowball at Ashley and she waited to surprise an unsuspecting Craig by rubbing snow into his hair. He twitched and smiled as the cold water trickled down his neck and into his shirt. “Oh you are getting it,” Craig declared to Ashley who was slowly backing away, a grin on her face. Then she let out a shriek and took off down the dark sidewalk.
Sean smiled at the sound of Ellie’s laugh. He looked away from a moment, trying to collect his thoughts and say something that she would find interesting. He was interrupted by the sting of a snowball and the sound of her laughter and heavy boots pounding down the sidewalk. He leaned down to pick up a scoop of slushy snow and took off after the red head.
They found themselves hanging out on Ashley’s front porch, talking and laughing. It was one of those unusually warm winter nights. It was still, the only sound in between conversation was the trickle of water that was dripping off the roof. The snow was melting. But tonight on the news Craig heard the weatherman say there was a storm brewing out east. They would be having a white Christmas. This was just the calm before the storm.
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Craig began to pace some. He could spend Christmas with his father. It was one afternoon, one third of a day, only a few hours; what could happen? He began to flashback to previous holidays. He was always doing things to annoy his father. He didn’t mean to of course but there was always something his father would disapprove of. Sometimes it seemed like the little things set him off the most. He couldn’t do anything right and sometimes he was convinced his father hated him. Craig tapped his fingertips on the phone. Why would he think that? It was his father, his father didn’t hate him. Maybe things weren’t as bad as he sometimes thought they were. He remembered being spanked when he was little, now he was older and it had to hurt more. For a moment he felt the familiar ache and could almost see the bruises.
Oh what was he doing? He was thinking too much about this. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” he told himself out loud as he picked up the cordless phone and jogged up the stairs. He was going to have to do this before Joey got home. Joey just made things more strange and he just wanted things to go back to the way they were.
“Hey dad,” Craig greeted once he heard his father’s voice on the line. He cringed at how his voice was trembling.
“Craig! Hi! How are you?” Craig could sense that his father was smiling.
“Um, look, I was thinking and…” Craig paused for a moment. “I think I’d like to spend Christmas Eve with you, I mean, if that’s okay with you.”
“I’d really enjoy that. Hey look, I’m not going to pretend about how things are. I know that your social worker wants us to remain in a public situation but I think we know our family better than he does. You are safe with me. I’m your dad.”
Craig hesitated. “You want it to be just us on Christmas?”
“If you want to go to your grandparents, that’s fine too but it will probably be a small get together. It’s getting harder and harder each year to get everyone together. They all have families of their own, in-laws. I just have you, Craigger.”
“Things would be less stressful at your place, with it just being us,” Craig agreed.
“It would be. I’ve missed you.”
Craig listened to the sound of a car in the drive way. “Okay, so I better go. I’ll let you know if anything changes but I think I can just have Joey drop me off.”
“Okay, I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Yeah. Yeah! I better go,” Craig said and hastily said a goodbye. He was anxious to cut him off before the “I love you, you are my son” happened. He didn’t know what to say to that. But he wanted it all the same. But he had to get the phone back on the hook. Thankfully the goodbye was quick and luck was on his side. He slipped the phone back onto the set while Joey was busy in the kitchen, unbagging groceries.
“You need some help with that?” Craig called out.
“There’s a couple more bags in the car. Thanks Craig,” Joey replied.
Craig nodded and quickly retrieved the grocery bags. Once back in the kitchen he started unpacking them. He knew Joey’s house well enough now to know where the cereal and pasta sauce would go. Hell, he even knew what brands to expect. This place was almost feeling like home, or some variation of home. Too bad he was going to have to go and make everything strange again.
“Joey, I need to talk to you about Christmas,” Craig declared.
“What’s up?”
“Um, I think I’m going to spend it at my dad’s.”
Joey was hesitant to reply. “I thought that he mentioned that you would all be getting together at your grandparents.”
“Yeah. That’s what I meant. I just meant with my dad, not at my dad’s,” Craig quickly added.
“Alright, buddy. I’ll drop you off at your grandparents before Angie and I head over to my parents.”
“No.”
Joey placed a carton of eggs in the fridge and turned to look at Craig.
“Can’t you just drop me off at my dad’s? I don’t want them asking questions, you know,” Craig encouraged.
“Craig, you know the rules. You can’t be alone with him.”
“My aunt and her family will be there. We’re all driving over together.”
Joey clenched his jaw some. There was something about Craig’s tone and how he had a quick answer to everything. “You know that we just have that rule to keep you safe.”
“Joey if you come in, it’s going to be way awkward. I mean…when you think about my mom…”
The teen did have a point, Joey realized. The whole exchange with Albert was going to be awkward enough as it was. “Okay, Craig. As long as your aunt and her family are going to be there.”
“Yep, they are.” Craig agreed and tried to ignore how his stomach hurt some.
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Craig barely slept on Christmas Eve. And that wasn’t because of excitement either. What if it was a mistake spending the day with his father? Oh what did it matter, he’d already made a mistake by saying he would. He couldn’t back out of it now, that would make things worse. That would encourage a grudge his father could hold for quite some time. Maybe he’d bring it up again on his birthday this year or some random moment when he was seventeen. He would sure his dad would have the same bitterness and anger as if it was the day he cancelled their plans.
No, he’d just go his dad’s. Stick to their plan. Craig forced his eyes to close and as he drifted a little bit closer to sleep he found himself drifting off into his mind and began to create strange scenarios. Things got out of control at his dad’s, Joey shows up, and intervenes. Or maybe he fights with father and takes off for Joey’s, who is quick to take him away from the holiday activities and tells him that it’ll be okay now, he doesn’t have to see his father anymore. He couldn’t get himself to imagine things going fine though. That seemed the scariest of all and he didn’t even know why.
This carried on for awhile once he woke up in the morning as well. It seemed to numb him some even after he was up and out of bed. He felt a little like a bystander as he watched Joey race around. There was the preparing of some holiday dish he had to bring to the Christmas dinner, presents to be wrapped, Angie had to be persuaded to take a bath and get dressed into her best dress. Joey was stressed, Craig sensed. Craig could feel the tension building; he didn’t like it. He mumbled something about having to wrap presents and ducked out into the garage. He took longer than necessary and when he reentered the house, things hadn’t improved.
“Shit!” Joey snapped as he dropped the baking dish down on the counter. He tossed the over mitt into the sink and cranked open the window. “Well, we’re going to be late now for sure. Weren’t you going to help Angie wrap her presents?”
“Yeah, I had stuff to do first though. I can do it now,” Craig explained as he kicked off his boots.
“It’s done, Craig. That’s what I was doing while this burned,” Joey griped and gestured to the dish. He poked at it with a knife. “It’s a goner. Another near miss with the fire department.”
Craig sighed, “At least this finally feels like home, what with all the yelling.”
Joey felt a tinge of sympathy break through his frantic frustration. “Craig…” Joey started. He watched as Craig’s unblinking gaze broke from the window. Craig felt something shift inside of him, he realized something about Joey in that moment but couldn’t pinpoint it. He just knew his heart felt heavier.
Angela stomped into the kitchen. “What is that smell? Are we ever going to Grandma’s?”
“Yeah, really. Can we just get all this over with, please?” Craig added. He stalked out of the room adding, “You go to your family and I’ll go to mine.”
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It was silent as Craig and Joey loaded the car. Craig wasn’t sure why the silence. Maybe Joey was as fed up with this weird situation as he was and was just aching for something normal. When things are happy and normal, that was when you had to worry, he realized. Just a few days ago he was a school dance with his friends. Then things shifted. He should have known. Craig loaded up the last 2 gifts: they were addressed to his father. Craig recalled how it had pained him to scrawl “To dad, from Craig” on the label. At that thought he angrily slammed the door shut and climbed in.
The car radio was playing Christmas songs but the closer they got to his fathers, the less he heard. His head was beginning to feel light. He watched as the snow along the side of the road grew brighter and sparkled more. Then he realized he was holding his breath. What was he doing? He couldn’t do this.
“Can I spend Christmas with you and Angie instead?” Craig finally blurted out.
Joey quickly pulled over to the side of the road. He reached over and gave the kid’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Sure. Of course you can,” he said with a smile.
“Are you sure that your family won’t mind?”
Joey recalled how he told his mother to set a place for Craig just in case. He knew his stepson had been silently debating where he would spend the holidays. “They are going to be happy that you are joining us,” Joey reassured. “Did you hear that Angie, Craig’s coming to Grandma’s with us!”
“Yay!” Angie cheered from the backseat.
Joey watched the color slowly return to Craig’s cheeks. “Everyone was expecting you,” he reassured.
The tension seemed to lift after that. Craig had even encouraged Angie to sing a Christmas carol and made her giggle with his own funny version. Craig was quiet again the second they were inside Joey’s mother’s house again though. He kept a hand on Craig’s back, occasionally rubbing small circles, as he greeted relatives. Must be so strange for a kid not to be able to spend holidays they way they were used to, Joey thought to himself and then, out loud, stated that he and Craig were going to unload the presents.
Joey saw that his stepson immediately grew tense once he spied the gifts for his father in the trunk. He pulled them out and set them aside, “He’s not going to get his presents now.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. We can drop them off.”
“I need to call him and let him know what happened. I don’t even know what I’m going to say.”
“Craig, don’t worry about it. I can even call him if you want me to,” Joey offered. “I can tell him that I said no and if he has a problem with it he can call Robert.”
“No,” Craig decided. “Well, yeah…maybe that would be better.” His father couldn’t possibly hate Joey anymore than he already did. Craig found a little comfort in knowing that his stepfather wasn’t intimidated by his stepfather. The few people who saw his rage usually were. At the same time, he wished he didn’t have to rely on people like Joey to do what he was afraid to do.
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Craig gathered a few of the dishes and brought them out to the kitchen. He strained to smile at Joey’s mother. He enjoyed being around his stepfather’s family and no one had been anything less than polite to him but he just couldn’t shake the awkwardness. I just want to go home, Craig thought to himself as he returned to the dining room. But where’s home? With his father alone on Christmas because he was on call at the hospital? With his father’s family, acting like his father hadn’t relieved his tension by knocking him to the ground and kicking him just less than 48 hours ago? I just want to go home and I don’t know where it is, Craig thought as he picked up a half empty wine glass. He glanced around and then quickly downed it once he knew he was totally alone. He followed this pattern as he finished clearing the table. He gulped down the red wine, hardly aware of the taste. Gulp, breath mints, kitchen. Once the table was cleared, he was fuller than ever and his head was light. But he was calm, even a little happier.
Craig stayed close by Joey and Angie while relatives were busy cleaning up the kitchen. He acted like it was his duty to keep Angie entertained until it was time to open presents, but really he wasn’t sure what to say to the rest of Joey’s family. The awkwardness was heightened with the declaration that it was family picture time. Craig sincerely smiled as Angie moaned. “It’s never going to be time to open presents,” she whined and melodramatically flopped into Craig’s lap.
“Soon, kiddo, soon,” Craig reassured. He gave Angie a quick hug and then set her on her feet. He had to get out of their way. He wouldn’t be in the pictures. Craig assumed that he would remain the outsider who operated all the cameras. Why would he be involved? So he declared that he was the amateur photographer and accepted the cameras that were handed to him. People shifted in and out of the frame, cousins, aunts, uncles…he knew they weren‘t his. He didn’t know all their names. His eyes stayed on Joey and Angela while they exchanged places with another father and daughter. He wondered what it was like when his mother was here. Strange how things change. He began to brain storm up a good excuse to exit the room. Then his stepfather spoke, breaking him out of his thoughts.
“You are in this one, Craig,” Joey declared and patted the empty space on the couch beside him. “You’re family.”
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Author’s Note: Okay, guys, now I’m blocked. I have an idea where I want this story to head in the long run. Some of it is already half way written (yes, Voices Carry and Tears Are Not Enough are big inspirations and you will get my spin on the situation. He’s going to be hospitalized and his father is going to pass away but not until later cause hey it‘s interesting to keep Albert around to raise hell in Craig‘s life.). I’m struggling because I want this all to be spread out. I mean, ideally I wanted it all to happen over the course of like two or three years but I don’t know how I’d ever do that. Suggestions? I also don’t want it to seem like it’s non-stop Craig drama so I’m kicking around ideas of different situations I could have him in all while developing his struggle with his inner demons. Is there an interest in reading about how his friends have problems and you basically get Craig’s reaction to them? Like, say if I shuffle things around a bit and Ellie’s mom’s alcoholism is introduced earlier and her friends Sean, Ashley, and Craig are around to help? And my first intention was to have Ashley be a big player in this story but as it’s progressing, it seems like Sean is definitely a lead. Are you feeling the Crash? I don’t think I’ll ever have this story be all about the ship. So um, yeah…I don’t know…now’s the time to voice your opinions. )
Title Credit: Lyrics from Juliana Hatfield’s “Make It Home.”
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Joey, Albert, Sean, Ashley, Ellie. Craig/Ashley. Sean/Ellie.
Brief summary of this chapter: The holidays present Craig will questions and hesitations about where he belongs at Christmas time. It also raises many questions about what makes a family. He's allowed temporary relief from anxiety at the holiday dance with friends Ashley, Sean, and Ellie.
12. Make Your Way Home
“Craig, your dad’s on the phone,” Joey called up the stairs. Craig pounded down the stairs and snatched the phone. “Talk down here okay,” Joey instructed. He got a quick nod from Craig and the teen settled down on the living room couch. Joey went into the kitchen and began folding the laundry.
Craig picked up a pillow on the couch, placed it in his lap, and wrapped his hand tightly around it. He’d been thinking about Christmas since Thanksgiving and still had no idea what to do. His first concern was that his father wouldn’t even invite him over, which would be a fitting punishment for leaving him to live with Joey. But who cares? He didn’t, right? He couldn’t help but feel angry at how messed up and complicated all this was. He found it hard to focus on his father’s voice as they made small talk. Then it came up.
“Do you have plans for Christmas?” Albert asked.
“Uh, I guess I’m doing whatever Joey and Angie are doing,” Craig said and his eyes met with Joey’s for a moment. Craig quickly looked away and tightened his grip on the pillow.
“Oh. Well, just know that you are always welcome here.”
Craig couldn’t help but smile at that. Then it faded. “Um, I thought that we were just supposed to get together in public. Or with your family.”
“That’s what I meant, Craigger. Don’t you want to see your grandparents?”
“Sure! That would be awesome to see everyone again on Christmas,” Craig said and then felt the doubt set in. He wondered how much they knew. “Do they ever ask about me?” Craig decided on saying even though what he really wanted to know was if his father was honest about their current living arrangements.
“Of course they do. They love you. Everyone asked about you at Thanksgiving.”
“What did you say?” Craig heard his father sigh. “I’m sorry. I just…”
“You are aware that I‘m not the one who decided that you couldn‘t live here anymore aren‘t you? That was your decision. Your doing. It‘s like you are still trying to punish me.”
Craig flinched some. “No. I didn’t mean it like that. I just…wanted to know if they know I’m at Joey’s. I mean, if we’re spending Christmas with them I need to know what to say, right?”
“I told them you spent thanksgiving at your boarding school.”
Craig tried to ignore that this made his stomach ache some. “Okay,” he said softly.
“I couldn’t tell them where you were.”
“I suppose not,” Craig agreed and looked over at Joey, who had been alternating his gaze between the laundry and him. He struggled with a reason to hang up the phone. Craig could barely focus on his father, who was updating him on his extended family. His eyes widened when he saw Joey crossing across the room, laundry basket in hand.
“Craig, I need you to finish up your chores before dinner,” Joey instructed, hoping his tone was loud enough to be heard over the phone. He hated to see Craig so tense and twitchy. He hoped Craig’s short glances in his direction was his cue to interrupt the father and son phone conversation.
Craig almost sighed with relief. “Um, Dad, is it okay if I get back to you about Christmas. I mean…I have to talk to Joey and…” He found that he couldn’t mention the social worker. That was just too strange.
“I’ll take care of it, Craig. That’s what I’m here for,” Albert said. Craig noticed that his tone was curt. He had heard Joey.
“Okay, well, I’ll talk to you later then. Um,” Craig paused. He didn’t know what to say. “Take care.”
“It was nice talking to you again, Craig. I’ll take care of everything for Christmas, including your presents. I’m sure you’ve had your eye on those digital cameras that are out now. I’ll be in touch.”
“Okay. Bye,” Craig said and clicked off the phone. He exhaled heavily and then looked up at Joey. “That was weird.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
“Okay,” Joey said cautiously. “I’ll talk to Robert about Christmas plans okay?” Joey was thankful that they had the social worker as a wedge, keeping them apart so there wouldn’t be any confrontations and more importantly, keep Craig safe.
“Well I don’t have to worry about it yet do I?”
“Nothing to worry about Craig. I know you have mixed feelings about seeing him again. Just remember it’ll always be your decision if you want to see him or not. You are in control, remember?” Joey reassured, thinking of advice he had heard the social worker give his stepson. “Anyway, tonight it’ll be fun. Jeremiah festivities galore tonight. Tree trimming party!”
Craig made a face. “Oh I can hardly wait for the 80’s tunes.”
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Craig was settled comfortably in an overstuffed armchair, one leg tucked under him and his camera in his lap. He pressed on the shutter release and let it randomly captured whatever activity. Sometimes he liked to be surprised what it would catch. The f-stop setting might be a little off, might make this happy tree trimming party a little ominous. Maybe Joey would be unrecognizable, just a blur as he hung another string of lights on the tree. One of his favorite photographs of his mother was one that he took at age nine, with a plastic kiddie camera. The result was that she was almost ghostly, passing from the living room to the kitchen in early morning light. It haunted him and pleased him all the same. He still had the negative and would often play with it when he was alone in the school’s darkroom. It felt safe there, where he could just be lost in his memories of her but still distracted because he had to make a great print.
He glanced up at the sound of Caitlin giggling as she and Joey made an attempt to untangle Christmas lights. Craig couldn’t help but be interested in how Joey acted around Caitlin. There was something about the relationship that reminded him of how his stepfather was around his mom. He remembered how curious he had been when he‘d visit as a child and see Joey interacting with his mom. Things were so different when he was around Joey. He never heard Joey belittle his mother. Or Caitlin. The jokes he made with Caitlin weren’t at her expense. And Joey didn’t have that intensity when he watched them, that intensity he knew he’d seen in his father. It was like his father was always waiting. He thought he was anticipating his next screw up. But Joey was different. He wasn’t insulted if they missed the tail end of a story he was telling about work or displeased about things like empty cartons of milk left in the refrigerator.
Craig raised the camera to his face this time and brought Joey and Caitlin into focus before snapping the shot.
“Are you the paparazzi?” Caitlin asked him with a smile.
He twisted the lens to zoom in and snapped another shot, a grin on his face. After the shutter release he head her call out, “Now that’s enough…why don’t you go catch Snake or Spike in some embarrassing shot?” Craig watched Caitlin duck into the kitchen, “Dinner will be ready soon.”
His eyes moved over the small gathering of Joey’s friends. It was the usual crowd with their usual 80’s new wave music, despite the holidays. He was still grounded, stuck spending another Friday with Joey and his friends. Loud music and in their jokes and goofing off he could see glimpses of how his stepfather and his friends were as teenagers. Sometimes he felt older than them; the age was in his heart though, not his head.
Craig’s posture immediately stiffened as he heard the sound of silverware crashing to the floor.
“Sorry…sorry. You guys know me,” Caitlin mumbled as she bent down to contain the mess.
Craig’s eyes shot around the room. He saw Joey’s lips move but couldn’t hear what he said. His heart was pounding too hard and the blood was rushing to his head. He glanced at Simpson. Was he smiling? Why wasn’t anyone upset? Upset about the noise, upset about the mistake. The silverware would have to be rewashed before they ate, things wouldn’t be on time…
“Are you okay?” Joey asked and placed a hand on Craig’s shoulder. He felt the boy flinch some.
Craig felt himself crashing down, the panic fading into embarrassment. Why was he acting like this? No one else was acting like something was wrong.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” Craig reassured and forced a smile. He was always good at that, smiling just to smile. Smiles were a great way to gloss things over. They were used to hide secrets.
He was good at hiding things. That was how he was raised. With his family, it was all secrets. Even with his mother married to his father, it was all secrets. He recalled how his father had reduced her to tears before some big Christmas party for his coworkers. He couldn’t even remember what she did wrong - of course she did something wrong, they always did something wrong. He just knew that he crept into the kitchen once he heard the yelling stop. He remember he wished that he would do something in those moments. But he always felt so damn frozen. He always felt that way when his father was angry. But none of that matter because she put on her best dress and was smiling for the guests at the party. He didn’t know what else to do but do the same.
He could do the Christmas dinner with his dad and his family. It wouldn’t be that bad. Things weren’t ever that bad, he tried to tell himself. Just go with it and use whatever excuses he and his father could come up with to explain where he was over thanksgiving. He could make up fake stories about boarding school. The good thing with all this lying was that he could also lie about his biggest screw up last month when he came home trashed out of his mind. He could do this. He’d had plenty of practice pretending things were fine. He knew early on how to behave around his dad’s coworkers, parents, extended family, or anyone else he felt had to impress. They were the Mannings. Successful doctor with his dedicated wife and son that had so much potential. Play the role. No one knew, no one ever knew any different.
Things were much less complicated here at Joey’s, here in this moment. Craig couldn’t help but be fascinated by how carefree things felt. It actually unnerved him a bit. He didn’t know how to deal with that. How bizarre was that? Craig shifted his gaze to the floor; he wished he was normal.
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With a sigh, Craig wandered downstairs, giving a good yank at his pajama bottoms. He wasn’t surprised to find Joey still up. Joey glanced up from his lap top to see Craig silently digging through the fridge.
“Can’t sleep?” Joey questioned once Craig sat down at the table with a glass of milk in hand.
“Uh yeah…anxious for break I guess. What are you doing still up?”
“Ah, crunching numbers. I think I went a little overboard on Christmas presents.”
“You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to playing with Angie’s new Barbie dream house,” Craig said, his tone tinted with sarcasm.
“Angie says you need to work on your Barbie skills or she’s going shopping for a new playmate.”
“I don’t know what to do with a Barbie, Joey.”
“That’s not what your mom said. I remember her breaking out the family photos one night and there you were, five or so, playing Barbies with your cousins.”
“You are making that up. I don’t remember that!”
“You did. Except your idea of playing was taking all their clothes off and putting them in a jeep and they went road-tripping through the garden. Barbie’s hair was a big mess.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“I think Angie would want a fashion show, not military Barbie.”
“You play then.”
“We’ll make Caitlin do it. Apparently she has parties.”
“Good. I don’t like Barbies,“ Craig said with a smirk. It was quiet for a few moments, with Joey working on his laptop and Craig finishing his drink. Then he spoke up, “What’s the story with you two? She‘s over here quite a bit.”
“Story?”
“There’s these weird under currents. I thought you were with that uhhh…what’s her name…Tracy.”
“Stacy. That didn’t work out.”
“I can’t keep track of your girlfriends.”
“There’s nothing to keep track of really. But yes, I have history with Caitlin. We dated in high school. We were engaged actually.”
“Wow, that’s crazy to think about…I mean how differently things could’ve turned out.”
“Well, things happen for a reason right?”
“I guess they do,” Craig was anxious to change the subject. Thinking of his mother would just create another cycle of thinking and he knew that just meant trouble. “So…there’s this winter dance at school on Friday. And I was just wondering…I mean you never did say how long I was grounded for. And Simpson is a chaperone I think.”
Joey watched Craig and didn’t say anything. The teen had been on his best behavior and his moods seemed to have improved. But he still wasn’t convinced he could trust him. “No before or after parties, right?”
“Right. Come on, Joey. It’s at school. You and your friends are fun and all, but I’m sick of the 80’s music. You know, there’s a lot of great music out there now and it’s from you know, this decade,” Craig joked with a smile. “Come on, just give in already.”
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Craig spotted Ashley and Sean in the crowded cafeteria and hurried over. He set down his lunch tray and declared, “So the winter dance…guess who’s warden is letting him out of the big house?”
“You are officially ungrounded? That’s cool,” Sean said.
“Yup. So you guys going?”
Ashley shrugged. “El and I talked about it. We might go, for awhile anyway. Might be lame.”
“And you?” Craig asked Sean.
“It’s seniors only.”
“Oh yeah, junior.”
“Rub it in why don’t you?”
“Why don’t you crash?”
Sean shrugged.
“Let’s all meet up at my place tonight,” Ashley encouraged. “Then we’ll go to the dance.”
“Fine, whatever,” Sean said dismissively. “Tracker’s probably going to kick me out of the apartment tonight anyway.”
“You can spend the night at my place,” Craig offered. “I think it’d be cool with Joey. It’ll be holiday break and all.”
“What are you doing for the holidays Craig?” Ashley brought up, curious.
“Oh, uh, Christmas Eve with my mom’s side. Christmas day I’m with my dad’s side, I guess. Joey and Angie are going to spend the day with his parents.”
Sean and Ashley exchanged a look and then noticed the suspicion in Craig’s eyes. They made sure to wipe any concern off their faces.
“Big get together at your dad’s?” Ashley carefully asked after a moment.
“I think we’re all meeting up at my grandparents. Whatever. It‘s kind of a drag, all this complicated family crap” Craig commented.
“Kind of reminds me of how I’d spend weekends with my Dad and then go back to my Mom’s Sunday night. It was way awkward and tense. Holidays were even stranger. But you know, things are better now. Just give it time.”
“Yeah, I guess. It’s going to be awhile before it’s even half ways normal though, Ash,” Craig said and just let her steady gaze be response enough.
“Well, you can always come over and eat TV dinners with me and Tracker. His stoner buddies will probably be over. Fun times,” Sean said as he stood up. “I’ve got to get over to the MI lab and finish up an assignment really quick. Really quick. So I’ll see you guys tonight. Craig, get together after school?”
Craig nodded and gave a little wave. It was nice for things to go back to normal. “See ya after school.”
“Later, Sean,” Ashley said in her soft tone. Sean barely heard her over the noise of the caf. He gave her a small wave before heading off. Ashley shifted her attention back to her other friend. “I’m going to see you over break right?”
“Yeah, for sure. But…I’m not sure if I’ll see you before Christmas…“ Craig started and reached for his backpack. “if you have plans with the family or whatever so…” He continued as he fished through the mess in his bag and pulled out a gift. He watched her eyes light up and that was thank you enough.
“I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts,” She said quickly. “I didn’t get you anything. I feel terrible.”
“No, it’s okay!” Craig optimistically reassured. “I got everyone something.”
Ashley lowered her eyes some, feeling a little disappointed that she wasn’t the only one he thought of. She ran her fingers over the ribbon on the present.
“Well, I didn’t get Sean anything cause he said we weren’t exchanging. So I just gave him my piece of chocolate cake here at lunch. Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays…I like giving gifts.”
Ashley sincerely smiled at that. “Should I wait?”
“Open it,” Craig encouraged with a smile.
“Okay,” Ashley agreed, still smiling. She delicately picked at the tape with her long nails and peeled away the paper. Craig watched as her smile grew once the mix CD and a journal were revealed. Ashley went for the CD first, staring at the CD art cover; it was a Craig Manning original. She could always pick his photographs out of the displays at school. Ashley flipped it over and glanced over the song listings. They were all familiar. Songs they listened to after school while hanging out in her bedroom, songs that they softly played over the phone during secret late night phone calls, songs they traded on the internet, songs they felt defined them. Then she shifted her attention to the journal; it seemed handmade, old, and delicate.
“Wow. Craig. Thank you.”
“I know you like to write so…” Craig casually shrugged. “And the CD…”
Ashley nodded, touched. “I remember.”
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“So I’ll let you in the east door,” Craig plotted as the two boys walked. “I’m sure that everyone will be at the main entrance and then you are in. We’ll meet up with Ashley and Ellie in the gym.
“I’ve seen Ellie around before,” Sean admitted. “She seems…smart…hard to talk to.”
“Nah, she’s cool. She’s actually kind of quiet in a way. Real easy to be around. I usually just see her around Ash or sometimes she stops by in photography club to use the darkroom. She’s never officially joined…the instructor’s all ‘don’t you want to be in the yearbook club picture?‘ and Ellie’s all ‘yearbook pics are lame.’”
“Not a joiner huh? That’s cool,” Sean observed. “Why was she hanging around there?”
“I dunno…I think she works for the school newspaper.”
“Oh. See, smart.”
Craig rolled his eyes at that and was first to head up the Kerwin-Issacs sidewalk. “Whatever. I’ve got more important things on my mind…we’re about to deal with Kate Kerwin.”
“We have to deal with Ashley’s mother?” Sean protested.
“Ashley’s usually good at getting out the door quick,” Craig reassured as he rang the doorbell.
Sean was thankful that this appeared to be true. Ashley and Ellie were quick to descend the stairs, leaving Craig only a moment or two to make small talk with Kate. Reassures came from Ashley as the girls pulled on their coats: it was a rare warm winter night, they didn’t mind the walk or wait for the bus and yes, she’d be home on time. Then they were out the door and on their way, with Ellie by Ashley and Sean by Craig. That appeared to be the pattern in the foursome at the dance as well. Craig and Ashley were sandwiched in between the two. No one made an attempt for the dance floor until at least half way through the night. They mostly sat secluded in their little group on the bleachers, occasionally talking to other classmates.
Then Craig made his move during a slow song, “Ash, want to dance?”
And she agreed, leaning in some to give him her reply. Craig held her, feeling a little bit awkward. Was he doing this right? He could barely remember the dances his mother taught him when he was a little boy. Then he felt her move in a little closer and her fingers ran over the hair on the back of his head. He wasn’t sure if that was an accident or not. Then he met her gaze.
They slowly broke apart when the song ended, standing there wondering what to do next. Craig glanced over at Ellie and Sean. They were talking now, it seemed. Craig wondered who broke the ice.
“He made her smile,” Ashley commented once she followed Craig’s gaze.
Craig and Ashley managed to sneak back onto the dance floor for a few more slow songs. Ashley pulled him to his feet and forced him out for her favorite rock song; he couldn’t object to those blue eyes that he knew would stay fixed on him for most of the song.
“Last song of the night,” the DJ called out and everyone in the gym began to filter to the floor. Craig took Ashley’s hand this time and led her to the floor. He glanced over her shoulder and saw Sean gesture to the couples dancing and shrug at Ellie. She shrugged, nodded back, and took a place on the dance floor near Craig and Ashley.
They managed to extend their evening by walking the girls home. Along the way, Craig playfully tossed a snowball at Ashley and she waited to surprise an unsuspecting Craig by rubbing snow into his hair. He twitched and smiled as the cold water trickled down his neck and into his shirt. “Oh you are getting it,” Craig declared to Ashley who was slowly backing away, a grin on her face. Then she let out a shriek and took off down the dark sidewalk.
Sean smiled at the sound of Ellie’s laugh. He looked away from a moment, trying to collect his thoughts and say something that she would find interesting. He was interrupted by the sting of a snowball and the sound of her laughter and heavy boots pounding down the sidewalk. He leaned down to pick up a scoop of slushy snow and took off after the red head.
They found themselves hanging out on Ashley’s front porch, talking and laughing. It was one of those unusually warm winter nights. It was still, the only sound in between conversation was the trickle of water that was dripping off the roof. The snow was melting. But tonight on the news Craig heard the weatherman say there was a storm brewing out east. They would be having a white Christmas. This was just the calm before the storm.
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Craig began to pace some. He could spend Christmas with his father. It was one afternoon, one third of a day, only a few hours; what could happen? He began to flashback to previous holidays. He was always doing things to annoy his father. He didn’t mean to of course but there was always something his father would disapprove of. Sometimes it seemed like the little things set him off the most. He couldn’t do anything right and sometimes he was convinced his father hated him. Craig tapped his fingertips on the phone. Why would he think that? It was his father, his father didn’t hate him. Maybe things weren’t as bad as he sometimes thought they were. He remembered being spanked when he was little, now he was older and it had to hurt more. For a moment he felt the familiar ache and could almost see the bruises.
Oh what was he doing? He was thinking too much about this. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” he told himself out loud as he picked up the cordless phone and jogged up the stairs. He was going to have to do this before Joey got home. Joey just made things more strange and he just wanted things to go back to the way they were.
“Hey dad,” Craig greeted once he heard his father’s voice on the line. He cringed at how his voice was trembling.
“Craig! Hi! How are you?” Craig could sense that his father was smiling.
“Um, look, I was thinking and…” Craig paused for a moment. “I think I’d like to spend Christmas Eve with you, I mean, if that’s okay with you.”
“I’d really enjoy that. Hey look, I’m not going to pretend about how things are. I know that your social worker wants us to remain in a public situation but I think we know our family better than he does. You are safe with me. I’m your dad.”
Craig hesitated. “You want it to be just us on Christmas?”
“If you want to go to your grandparents, that’s fine too but it will probably be a small get together. It’s getting harder and harder each year to get everyone together. They all have families of their own, in-laws. I just have you, Craigger.”
“Things would be less stressful at your place, with it just being us,” Craig agreed.
“It would be. I’ve missed you.”
Craig listened to the sound of a car in the drive way. “Okay, so I better go. I’ll let you know if anything changes but I think I can just have Joey drop me off.”
“Okay, I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Yeah. Yeah! I better go,” Craig said and hastily said a goodbye. He was anxious to cut him off before the “I love you, you are my son” happened. He didn’t know what to say to that. But he wanted it all the same. But he had to get the phone back on the hook. Thankfully the goodbye was quick and luck was on his side. He slipped the phone back onto the set while Joey was busy in the kitchen, unbagging groceries.
“You need some help with that?” Craig called out.
“There’s a couple more bags in the car. Thanks Craig,” Joey replied.
Craig nodded and quickly retrieved the grocery bags. Once back in the kitchen he started unpacking them. He knew Joey’s house well enough now to know where the cereal and pasta sauce would go. Hell, he even knew what brands to expect. This place was almost feeling like home, or some variation of home. Too bad he was going to have to go and make everything strange again.
“Joey, I need to talk to you about Christmas,” Craig declared.
“What’s up?”
“Um, I think I’m going to spend it at my dad’s.”
Joey was hesitant to reply. “I thought that he mentioned that you would all be getting together at your grandparents.”
“Yeah. That’s what I meant. I just meant with my dad, not at my dad’s,” Craig quickly added.
“Alright, buddy. I’ll drop you off at your grandparents before Angie and I head over to my parents.”
“No.”
Joey placed a carton of eggs in the fridge and turned to look at Craig.
“Can’t you just drop me off at my dad’s? I don’t want them asking questions, you know,” Craig encouraged.
“Craig, you know the rules. You can’t be alone with him.”
“My aunt and her family will be there. We’re all driving over together.”
Joey clenched his jaw some. There was something about Craig’s tone and how he had a quick answer to everything. “You know that we just have that rule to keep you safe.”
“Joey if you come in, it’s going to be way awkward. I mean…when you think about my mom…”
The teen did have a point, Joey realized. The whole exchange with Albert was going to be awkward enough as it was. “Okay, Craig. As long as your aunt and her family are going to be there.”
“Yep, they are.” Craig agreed and tried to ignore how his stomach hurt some.
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Craig barely slept on Christmas Eve. And that wasn’t because of excitement either. What if it was a mistake spending the day with his father? Oh what did it matter, he’d already made a mistake by saying he would. He couldn’t back out of it now, that would make things worse. That would encourage a grudge his father could hold for quite some time. Maybe he’d bring it up again on his birthday this year or some random moment when he was seventeen. He would sure his dad would have the same bitterness and anger as if it was the day he cancelled their plans.
No, he’d just go his dad’s. Stick to their plan. Craig forced his eyes to close and as he drifted a little bit closer to sleep he found himself drifting off into his mind and began to create strange scenarios. Things got out of control at his dad’s, Joey shows up, and intervenes. Or maybe he fights with father and takes off for Joey’s, who is quick to take him away from the holiday activities and tells him that it’ll be okay now, he doesn’t have to see his father anymore. He couldn’t get himself to imagine things going fine though. That seemed the scariest of all and he didn’t even know why.
This carried on for awhile once he woke up in the morning as well. It seemed to numb him some even after he was up and out of bed. He felt a little like a bystander as he watched Joey race around. There was the preparing of some holiday dish he had to bring to the Christmas dinner, presents to be wrapped, Angie had to be persuaded to take a bath and get dressed into her best dress. Joey was stressed, Craig sensed. Craig could feel the tension building; he didn’t like it. He mumbled something about having to wrap presents and ducked out into the garage. He took longer than necessary and when he reentered the house, things hadn’t improved.
“Shit!” Joey snapped as he dropped the baking dish down on the counter. He tossed the over mitt into the sink and cranked open the window. “Well, we’re going to be late now for sure. Weren’t you going to help Angie wrap her presents?”
“Yeah, I had stuff to do first though. I can do it now,” Craig explained as he kicked off his boots.
“It’s done, Craig. That’s what I was doing while this burned,” Joey griped and gestured to the dish. He poked at it with a knife. “It’s a goner. Another near miss with the fire department.”
Craig sighed, “At least this finally feels like home, what with all the yelling.”
Joey felt a tinge of sympathy break through his frantic frustration. “Craig…” Joey started. He watched as Craig’s unblinking gaze broke from the window. Craig felt something shift inside of him, he realized something about Joey in that moment but couldn’t pinpoint it. He just knew his heart felt heavier.
Angela stomped into the kitchen. “What is that smell? Are we ever going to Grandma’s?”
“Yeah, really. Can we just get all this over with, please?” Craig added. He stalked out of the room adding, “You go to your family and I’ll go to mine.”
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It was silent as Craig and Joey loaded the car. Craig wasn’t sure why the silence. Maybe Joey was as fed up with this weird situation as he was and was just aching for something normal. When things are happy and normal, that was when you had to worry, he realized. Just a few days ago he was a school dance with his friends. Then things shifted. He should have known. Craig loaded up the last 2 gifts: they were addressed to his father. Craig recalled how it had pained him to scrawl “To dad, from Craig” on the label. At that thought he angrily slammed the door shut and climbed in.
The car radio was playing Christmas songs but the closer they got to his fathers, the less he heard. His head was beginning to feel light. He watched as the snow along the side of the road grew brighter and sparkled more. Then he realized he was holding his breath. What was he doing? He couldn’t do this.
“Can I spend Christmas with you and Angie instead?” Craig finally blurted out.
Joey quickly pulled over to the side of the road. He reached over and gave the kid’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Sure. Of course you can,” he said with a smile.
“Are you sure that your family won’t mind?”
Joey recalled how he told his mother to set a place for Craig just in case. He knew his stepson had been silently debating where he would spend the holidays. “They are going to be happy that you are joining us,” Joey reassured. “Did you hear that Angie, Craig’s coming to Grandma’s with us!”
“Yay!” Angie cheered from the backseat.
Joey watched the color slowly return to Craig’s cheeks. “Everyone was expecting you,” he reassured.
The tension seemed to lift after that. Craig had even encouraged Angie to sing a Christmas carol and made her giggle with his own funny version. Craig was quiet again the second they were inside Joey’s mother’s house again though. He kept a hand on Craig’s back, occasionally rubbing small circles, as he greeted relatives. Must be so strange for a kid not to be able to spend holidays they way they were used to, Joey thought to himself and then, out loud, stated that he and Craig were going to unload the presents.
Joey saw that his stepson immediately grew tense once he spied the gifts for his father in the trunk. He pulled them out and set them aside, “He’s not going to get his presents now.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. We can drop them off.”
“I need to call him and let him know what happened. I don’t even know what I’m going to say.”
“Craig, don’t worry about it. I can even call him if you want me to,” Joey offered. “I can tell him that I said no and if he has a problem with it he can call Robert.”
“No,” Craig decided. “Well, yeah…maybe that would be better.” His father couldn’t possibly hate Joey anymore than he already did. Craig found a little comfort in knowing that his stepfather wasn’t intimidated by his stepfather. The few people who saw his rage usually were. At the same time, he wished he didn’t have to rely on people like Joey to do what he was afraid to do.
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Craig gathered a few of the dishes and brought them out to the kitchen. He strained to smile at Joey’s mother. He enjoyed being around his stepfather’s family and no one had been anything less than polite to him but he just couldn’t shake the awkwardness. I just want to go home, Craig thought to himself as he returned to the dining room. But where’s home? With his father alone on Christmas because he was on call at the hospital? With his father’s family, acting like his father hadn’t relieved his tension by knocking him to the ground and kicking him just less than 48 hours ago? I just want to go home and I don’t know where it is, Craig thought as he picked up a half empty wine glass. He glanced around and then quickly downed it once he knew he was totally alone. He followed this pattern as he finished clearing the table. He gulped down the red wine, hardly aware of the taste. Gulp, breath mints, kitchen. Once the table was cleared, he was fuller than ever and his head was light. But he was calm, even a little happier.
Craig stayed close by Joey and Angie while relatives were busy cleaning up the kitchen. He acted like it was his duty to keep Angie entertained until it was time to open presents, but really he wasn’t sure what to say to the rest of Joey’s family. The awkwardness was heightened with the declaration that it was family picture time. Craig sincerely smiled as Angie moaned. “It’s never going to be time to open presents,” she whined and melodramatically flopped into Craig’s lap.
“Soon, kiddo, soon,” Craig reassured. He gave Angie a quick hug and then set her on her feet. He had to get out of their way. He wouldn’t be in the pictures. Craig assumed that he would remain the outsider who operated all the cameras. Why would he be involved? So he declared that he was the amateur photographer and accepted the cameras that were handed to him. People shifted in and out of the frame, cousins, aunts, uncles…he knew they weren‘t his. He didn’t know all their names. His eyes stayed on Joey and Angela while they exchanged places with another father and daughter. He wondered what it was like when his mother was here. Strange how things change. He began to brain storm up a good excuse to exit the room. Then his stepfather spoke, breaking him out of his thoughts.
“You are in this one, Craig,” Joey declared and patted the empty space on the couch beside him. “You’re family.”
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Author’s Note: Okay, guys, now I’m blocked. I have an idea where I want this story to head in the long run. Some of it is already half way written (yes, Voices Carry and Tears Are Not Enough are big inspirations and you will get my spin on the situation. He’s going to be hospitalized and his father is going to pass away but not until later cause hey it‘s interesting to keep Albert around to raise hell in Craig‘s life.). I’m struggling because I want this all to be spread out. I mean, ideally I wanted it all to happen over the course of like two or three years but I don’t know how I’d ever do that. Suggestions? I also don’t want it to seem like it’s non-stop Craig drama so I’m kicking around ideas of different situations I could have him in all while developing his struggle with his inner demons. Is there an interest in reading about how his friends have problems and you basically get Craig’s reaction to them? Like, say if I shuffle things around a bit and Ellie’s mom’s alcoholism is introduced earlier and her friends Sean, Ashley, and Craig are around to help? And my first intention was to have Ashley be a big player in this story but as it’s progressing, it seems like Sean is definitely a lead. Are you feeling the Crash? I don’t think I’ll ever have this story be all about the ship. So um, yeah…I don’t know…now’s the time to voice your opinions. )
Title Credit: Lyrics from Juliana Hatfield’s “Make It Home.”