What Was Left Unsaid: End of Innocence
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Joey, Albert, Jay, Craig/Ashley.
Brief summary of this chapter: Final school exams present more interaction between father and son. Craig's interesting family dynamic may be troubling him more than he's letting on but at least there's the year end dance at Degrassi community school.
14. End of Innocence
“So…final exams are coming up. Math and Science, so not my best subjects. And uh, my dad mentioned that maybe we could have some tutoring sessions,” Craig told his stepfather.
“At the library?” Joey questioned as he grabbed a lump of dirty clothes off the floor and dumped them into a laundry basket.
“Uh, I don’t know. That’d be weird. Can’t I just go to his house?”
“I think the rule is that you two have to meet up in public.”
“Joey, this is ridiculous,” Craig objected and followed Joey into Angela’s room. He watched as Joey piled more clothes into the basket. “He’s my dad. It’s been so long. I’m sure things would be okay,” Craig tried.
Joey sighed and counted to ten. The days had been longer than usual lately. There just weren’t enough hours in the day to run the house and the business. He grabbed another dirty shirt off of Angela’s bed and glanced over at Craig, who was as usual doing nothing to help. Dealing with Albert Manning was the last thing he wanted to do. “I’ll talk it over with Robert okay?”
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Craig gave Joey a small wave before heading up the sidewalk to his father’s house. He knew his stepfather was trying hard to pretend that he approved of this situation. They just wouldn’t let things be normal. He knew Sauvé and his social worker were going to be all over him about this newest visit with his dad. What they did together. How he felt about it. Why did everything have to be about how he felt anyway? Things were fine now. Whatever relationship he had with his father in the past it was, well, in the past. As Craig pressed the doorbell, he thought about the many times he’d see his dad interacting with his patients at the hospital. He was always so calm and collected as he reassured his patients that he had performed operations thousands of times. Albert Manning guarantees success. And his father’s patients were always so comfortable around him; he could see their nervousness melt away with each of dad’s tender words. He treated his patients that way and they weren’t even related to him. If he could show so much concern and care for them, Craig was certain he could do the same for him. There was no reason to be nervous.
The front door opened and there he was. Craig forced a smile, “So, what do you know about the periodic table?”
Albert returned Craig’s smile and gestured for him to enter the house, their home.
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“Noble gasses: helium, neon, argon, krypton, radon, xenon.” Craig recited. He was getting this science stuff. The way his father explained it always made more sense.
“Good. Defining characteristic?” Albert coached.
“Stability! Yes.” Craig declared, excited with his progress. He was getting this! He took a sip of juice and set it down on the table.
“If only you could figure out what the coaster’s for,” Albert said, his tone full of sarcasm. Craig couldn’t remember anything for the life of him. Staying at that used car salesman’s house wasn’t helping the situation any. He was sure Jeremiah was terrible at enforcing the rules. Rules that kids like Craig needed.
Craig sucked his breath in rapidly and it made a hissing noise. He didn’t move, just sat and stared as he watched his father come at him quickly, ripping his belt off, and striking him. But Craig felt nothing. He blinked a few times. It wasn’t real. His head felt light and he tried to tell himself to breathe.
“Craig? I just don’t want rings on the table. It’s not a big deal,” Albert reassured. He watched Craig’s entire demeanor shift in those few seconds. The sparkle in his son’s eyes was gone and replaced with a watchful gaze. His body was tense. Albert turned away from a moment, trying techniques he learned at anger management. He was in control. He was in control, he repeated to himself. His son had nothing to be afraid of. Albert looked over at Craig again. He was still studying him, not blinking once. That kid thought he was angry. But he wasn’t. When he was angry, Craig would know.
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Craig sat by his bedroom window, tapping his fingertips against the glass. He jumped up when he saw his father’s car pull into the driveway. Craig shot up and grabbed his coat off the bed. He already had his shoes on, ready to go. Anything to keep his father from ringing the bell and God forbid, coming inside and seeing Joey’s house. Craig almost tripped over Angie’s shoes at the foot of the stairs. Their place was still a disaster. His father would have a fit; it would be all the proof he needed that Joey’s was unstable and his stepfather was a bad parent.
Craig pulled the front door open, waved to his dad. He held up his index finger and mouthed, “One minute,” then ducked back inside.
“Joey?” Craig called out and headed into the kitchen. He could hear the water running; Joey was washing dried scrambled eggs out of a frying pan. Leftovers from breakfast this morning, Craig recalled. They barely had time to eat, much less do the dishes. Things were so crazy lately.
“I’m heading out now. Dinner with my dad,” Craig explained.
“Okay, Craig,” Joey agreed and looked over his stepson. He seemed calm. He wanted this. Craig would be okay. “Home by eight, alright? It’s a school night.”
Craig felt a burst of irritability. There his step dad goes, trying to be his father again. He had a father. “Finals finished up today. What if he wants to go catch a movie or something?”
“It’s a school night, Craig. I know you are done with exams but…”
“You don’t want me to go, do you? It’s bad enough that my dad is always jealous about me living here but why do you have to be making this complicated too? I mean, I might be going to back to live with him soon.”
Joey’s mouth dropped slightly. He wasn’t expecting that. If anything, he expected Craig to be more cautious when it came to returning home. Joey felt something else stirring up inside of him. Was it hurt? Jealousy? He had gotten used to having Craig around and nothing made him smile more than hearing that Craig won 3rd place in a photography show at school or how he’d reflect on the tender moment when they had bonded over their grief of Julia. Didn’t moments like those matter to Craig? What about how he had spent time with Craig in the hospital? Maybe he was offended by that. Didn’t Craig appreciate all that he had done for him? “Have you two been discussing when you plan on returning home? Because Robert…”
“Joey, do we have to talk about this now? I just want to keep things normal with my dad.”
“Craig, is everything going okay with your dad?”
Craig alternated his gaze between the front door and his stepfather’s face. Please don’t come to the door, he silently pleaded with his father. “Yeah as okay that it can get, since we both are thinking about how weird things are with a social worker checking up on us. You all expect him to mess up, don’t you?’
“No, I don’t,” Joey tried to reason. That wasn’t true though. There was a part of him that wanted to check his stepson over for bruises every time he came back from a visit with Albert Manning. He remembered those horrible bruises on his stomach like he had just seen them yesterday.
“Right,” Craig agreed, the doubt fully present in his voice. He listened to the sound of a car horn. “Look, I gotta go. Dad’s waiting.”
“Eight o’clock,” Joey called out as his stepson exited the room.
“I hear you.”
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Craig stood outside the restaurant bathroom, leaning up against the wall and trying to tell himself to breath. He didn’t want to go back to the dinner table. He picked up on his father’s irritable mood the second he was in the car and listened to him lecture on punctuality on the whole ride to the restaurant. He kept his eyes on his lap and would occasionally nod. He noticed as they ordered that he was digging his fingernails into his hand. Craig ran his fingertips over the purple crescent moon creases in the palm of his right hand. He hadn’t even felt it.
It’s almost over, he told himself as he rounded the corner and headed back to his father’s table. They just had to wait for the check and then it’s time for him to head back to Joey’s. Craig nearly melted into his chair when he saw that his father was signing the receipt. Say something, he told himself.
“Dinner was really good. Thanks Dad,” Craig decided on saying.
“Hey, I have to make sure you get a decent meal every once in awhile. I bet you live on junk food at Joey’s. Pizza and macaroni and cheese every night, I’m sure.”
Craig shifted uncomfortably. “Um, some of the time. It’s kinda stressful, sometimes, with Joey busy with the…” Craig paused and couldn’t say it. He knew how much his father looked down on Joey’s profession. “he’s busy with work a lot of the time and I have school.”
“So you end up reheating something that he tossed into the freezer?” Albert said in disbelief.
Craig shrugged. “I don’t mind. Last week we got together with his parents and had a huge Sunday dinner.” Shit, why did he say that? He knew his father would hate hearing how he interacted with Joey’s parents. That was something that families did and he didn‘t want his father thinking that he was replacing him. He wasn’t. He saw his father clench his jaw.
“You’d think that he could give you a well-balanced meal more often. That money I send him every month isn’t for dinner dates or accessories for his car,” Albert gripped.
“I’m sure it’ll get better once it’s summer. I can help out around the house more then.”
Albert angrily shook his head as he pulled on his coat. “Sometimes I don’t think that living situation is as stable that your social worker would like to believe.”
Craig followed his father towards the door. He could barely keep up with his father’s quick pace as he pushed through the patrons gathered at the front of the restaurant. It’s almost over with, he told himself as they walked down the street.
Albert pulled his keys from his pockets and then stopped dead. “Shit!” he exclaimed.
Craig flinched and took a few steps backward. His heart sped up quickly. “What’s wrong?” he managed to ask.
“Some punk keyed my car!” Albert furiously explained as he studied the scratch on the passenger door.
I have to get out of here, Craig heard in his head. It practically echoed. “Um, I think I’m going to walk home. It’s a nice night,” Craig tried. “Maybe I’ll stop by Ashley’s for a few.”
“I thought we agreed that I would drop you off a Joey’s at eight. Did you lie to me about that?”
“No. Uh, no, I didn’t lie. I forgot. I’m sorry.”
“How could you forget something like that?” Albert demanded. He watched Craig take two steps backward.
“Uh, I don’t know. Look, I’ll just walk home.”
“It’s dark out. I don’t want you wandering around the streets in the dark. Get in the car, Craig.”
“No, I just…it’s not a big deal. Joey’s is out of your way,” Craig said and took a few steps away from his father.
“You want to go walking around at night by yourself? I don’t think so. Get in the car.”
“I can call Joey and have him come get me. I’m…just going to go inside and use the phone…” Craig tried.
“Come on, Craig, we’ve had a good night so far. Why do you…” Albert managed to get himself to stop speaking. He heard it all in his head though. Craig was deliberately trying to ruin their night.
Something was going to happen, Craig told himself. A part of him just wanted to take off running. His heart was pounding and he picked up his walking pace. “I…uh…I’m just going to walk home.”
“Craig! Why are you acting this way?” Albert demanded as he followed his son.
Craig didn’t reply, he just kept walking. It happened quick. Both of them were barely aware of the moment.
“Craig! Don’t ignore me when I’m talking to you,” Albert said and grabbed onto his son. He whirled Craig around so he was face to face with him and kept his grip firm. Everything was such a struggle with his son. He saw the fear in Craig’s eyes. That only added to his anger. This kid had nothing to be afraid of.
“When I ask you to do something, you do it, understand? You might be trying to forget that I‘m your father but I still am and you still have to listen to me,” Albert snapped and gave his son a swift shake.
Craig felt like everything was crashing down, all the memories hitting him at once and every emotion was surging through him. It was just like that day in the darkroom, Craig thought and expected things to go further. And what was he to do? It was moments like this that he felt powerless, like the moment was having him instead of him having the moment. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.
Something inside Albert cooled down at a rapid pace. It was like flipping a switch.
Albert quickly released Craig and gently massaged his son’s shoulders, as if that tender touch was his intention the whole time. “I didn’t mean…I just had to get you to listen to me,” Albert explained. A part of him wondered if Craig was intentionally trying to get a reaction out of him. He always wondered about that. The other part knew he took things too far.
“Come on, Craigger. Let’s hit the camera store before I take you home, alright?”
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He had taken advantage of Joey’s generosity, Craig worried. He was getting too comfortable, slacking off with his chores. He had to make it up to his stepfather, remind him that he was worth keeping around. Craig scrubbed at the counter with a sponge and when he was satisfied, went to the cupboard. It was when he was setting the glasses on the table that he heard the front door.
“Daddy!” he heard Angie call out and it was when he was putting the forks out he saw Joey in the doorway.
“Hi,” Craig greeted.
“Wow, Craig. Thanks,” Joey said as he surveyed the spotless kitchen and noted the smell of pizza cooking in the oven.
“I know I haven’t been helping out here as much as I should so…” Craig started and shrugged.
“It’s been a busy week. I know you are stressed because of exams.”
“Yeah. Finals. Lots of pressure. Look, I just wanted to do something to help. So that…you will still want me around.”
“Of course I still want you around.”
“I’m sorry about what I said. About wanting to go back to my dad’s.”
“He’s your dad, of course you are going to feel that way.”
“I don’t really feel that way…anymore.”
Joey was hesitant to reply and watched Craig. He wasn’t meeting his gaze and seemed a little fidgety. “How was dinner last night?”
“It was good.”
“That’s good,” Joey replied and tried to ignore how awkward this moment felt. He wished that his optimism about Craig’s positive interactions with his father was sincere. “You guys hit the mall again?”
“Camera store right before it closed. Picked up a few filters for my camera,” Craig replied, casually touched his pocket, and felt the wad of money. He returned them after school and got cash back. But Joey didn’t have to know about that. “Look, uh, tomorrow night is the year end dance.”
“That’s right. Aruba theme? Are you meeting up with the gang?”
“Hawaiian theme. Um, we’ll probably hang out some but I…uh…I asked Ashley.” Craig blushed at Joey’s huge grin. It was that moment that he was thankful that he didn’t ask his stepfather for advice on that. Instead he just went for it and blurted it out as they were exiting the school together. To his surprise Ashley broke into a smile and agreed that they should go together.
“So you finally asked Ashley out. I’m surprised this didn’t happen months ago.”
“I wasn’t sure if…she wanted to be more than friends. Or if it was a good idea. She’s one of my closest friends. I hope it doesn’t get change.”
“Oh it’s going to change…for the better,” Joey said with a wink.
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Joey was right, things were changing. Craig actually felt like he and Ashley were there together, despite when they would join Sean and Ellie in the corner of the darkened gym. Ellie Nash dance? She had laughed at him when he inquired about them not hitting the dance floor. Craig was picking up on strange signals between his two friends and questioned Ashley about it.
“Are they here together?” he asked and felt her run her fingers through the hair on the back of his head.
Ashley shrugged her shoulders slightly. “Ellie doesn’t talk about that kind of stuff. I think they are just friends. They just know each other through mutual friends you know…Alex…Jay…us. So they hang out a lot.”
Craig glanced over Ashley’s shoulder and watched Sean pass a flask back to Jay, who tucked it in his pocket. “Whatever, right? I’m glad that we came together?”
Ashley felt him pull her closer to him. “Thanks for the rose,” Ashley thanked and recalled how she couldn’t stop beaming when she opened the door to see him standing there, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and one long stemmed rose in his hand. She was so caught up in the moment that she wasn’t aware of her mother’s watchful gaze.
The song slowly faded out and kids around them shifted places, some exiting the floor, some entering as a fast rock song blared from the speakers. “I’m going to go get some punch,” Ashley said and leaned in close to Craig’s ear. He could feel the electricity shoot through him. He wondered if he would have the guts to kiss her goodnight. Craig followed her off the dance floor but paused when he saw Jay and another boy heading for the door.
“I’ll be right back,” Craig explained. Once he watched Ashley nod, he headed for the school’s exit.
He found Jay in the dark parking lot. He was rummaging around in the trunk of a car parked in the last row.
“Making arrangements for the after-party?” Craig asked. He watched as Jay jumped.
“Don’t do that!” Jay growled.
“Sorry,” Craig mumbled and watched the liquor exchange between Jay and another boy. After tucking away the pint, the boy hurried off. Craig lingered awkwardly next to Jay. Jay slammed the car trunk and looked over at him.
“Can I help you with something?” Jay said sarcastically.
“I know that we don’t really talk to each other…”
Jay laughed. “Are you trying to ask me out or something Manning?”
“What?” Craig stared at him stupidly.
Jay rolled his eyes. “So you’ve never bought pot before, that’s obvious. Just come out and say what you want. Your dealer is not your friend, we just chit chat to make it seem that way. It’s actually a huge pain, having this fake friendship.”
“You are very popular, I’m sure. Actually, I want some Oxy. Maybe some Xanax,” Craig explained. He watched as Jay looked surprised and then it shifted into a knowing grin.
“Oh yeah, you are a pill head. Sean told me about how you blew chunks that one night. That’s what you get for mixing them with alcohol, dumb ass.”
“I’m not a pill head. Haven’t popped any since that night. It’s the end of school, I just want to have a little party.”
“Party all you want. Look, I don’t carry that shit.”
Craig nervously glanced around the dark parking lot. He was starting to feel a bit panicked. He needed something. “Have any more alcohol?”
“That we can do. Hey, this one guy I know, Travis I think his name is. He’s always swiping pills from his mom. Says she pops them like candy. I know I saw him around tonight. You interested?”
“Very,” Craig said and pulled a few bills from his pocket. “Will this cover it for the alcohol?”
“And I thought we’d never be friends,” Jay said with a smile.
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“This has been incredible,” Craig whispered into Ashley’s ear. “This summer is going to be the best ever, I can feel it.”
He pulled Ashley into a close hug and glanced into the window of Ashley’s house to see if her mother or stepfather were checking up on them. Should he go for it and try to kiss her? Did she want him to? He could see her eyes sparkling in the dark. He could spend hours staring into them.
“This was my first dance where I had a date,” Craig admitted. “I’m glad it was with you.”
“You didn’t ever go to any in junior high?”
“I was at a boarding school so…always around the guys.”
“I’m really glad you came to Degrassi,” Ashley said softly, bringing her face slightly closer to Craig’s.
“Me too. It’s kind of like things were meant to go this way,” Craig agreed, his voice barely above a whisper.
They were quiet for a moment and then it happened. Craig was worried that his first kiss would be awkward or he wouldn’t know what to do. But kissing this girl felt right and he knew just how much to part his lips and when to pull away.
“So you’ll call me tomorrow?” Ashley asked when they broke apart.
“Yeah. Absolutely. This summer is going to be incredible,” Craig said and watched Ashley slowly inch her way towards her front door.
“I had fun tonight,” she said with a smile and watched as Craig picked his messenger bag off the porch. He’d been keeping that close him all night. “Goodnight Craig,” Ashley said and then ducked into her house.
“Goodnight Ash,” Craig echoed back and watched her smile and the door close.
As Craig walked away, he heard the pint of liquor shift in his bag. He instinctively checked his pocket for the small baggie of pills Travis had slipped into his hand in the boy’s washroom. Craig smirked, feeling like he’d come up with some solution to all the chaos that was going on with his father and Joey. There would be no more hurt.
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Something inside of Craig felt unsettled. He had to do something. Slow the stirring of thoughts, tame the intense emotions that sometimes scared him. So he brought the razorblade down through the white pill. He could take half and see what happened. He had the house to himself today.
This wasn’t a long term solution. It was okay, Craig told himself. It was just how he was going to deal for the time being. What did Sauvé, Robert, or Joey know about what was in his head? He couldn’t stand their questions or their advice. He knew this would bring on some stern lecture on the dangers of prescription drugs. He wasn’t dumb, he knew that. The thing was that this was the only way he knew how to deal. It was just how he was going to cope right now.
Craig pulled a t-shirt out of a drawer and tossed it onto the bed. He opened another drawer, pulled out a pair of socks, and tucked the pill bottle inside. He nestled the rolled up sock deep into the drawer. There’s no reason for Joey to find it, he reassured himself as he pulled his t-shirt on. It was then that he noticed the darkening bruises on his arms. He didn’t remember his father gripping him that hard. Craig told himself to breathe. No one would have seen them. It's just bruising now. He would have noticed before.
“Shit,” Craig mumbled to himself and went to his closet in search for a long sleeve shirt to throw on over his t-shirt. He noticed that his hands were shaking some as he yanked a flannel shirt off the hanger. Just another secret, he told himself as he pulled his shirt on to conceal the bruises.
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Joey, Albert, Jay, Craig/Ashley.
Brief summary of this chapter: Final school exams present more interaction between father and son. Craig's interesting family dynamic may be troubling him more than he's letting on but at least there's the year end dance at Degrassi community school.
14. End of Innocence
“So…final exams are coming up. Math and Science, so not my best subjects. And uh, my dad mentioned that maybe we could have some tutoring sessions,” Craig told his stepfather.
“At the library?” Joey questioned as he grabbed a lump of dirty clothes off the floor and dumped them into a laundry basket.
“Uh, I don’t know. That’d be weird. Can’t I just go to his house?”
“I think the rule is that you two have to meet up in public.”
“Joey, this is ridiculous,” Craig objected and followed Joey into Angela’s room. He watched as Joey piled more clothes into the basket. “He’s my dad. It’s been so long. I’m sure things would be okay,” Craig tried.
Joey sighed and counted to ten. The days had been longer than usual lately. There just weren’t enough hours in the day to run the house and the business. He grabbed another dirty shirt off of Angela’s bed and glanced over at Craig, who was as usual doing nothing to help. Dealing with Albert Manning was the last thing he wanted to do. “I’ll talk it over with Robert okay?”
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Craig gave Joey a small wave before heading up the sidewalk to his father’s house. He knew his stepfather was trying hard to pretend that he approved of this situation. They just wouldn’t let things be normal. He knew Sauvé and his social worker were going to be all over him about this newest visit with his dad. What they did together. How he felt about it. Why did everything have to be about how he felt anyway? Things were fine now. Whatever relationship he had with his father in the past it was, well, in the past. As Craig pressed the doorbell, he thought about the many times he’d see his dad interacting with his patients at the hospital. He was always so calm and collected as he reassured his patients that he had performed operations thousands of times. Albert Manning guarantees success. And his father’s patients were always so comfortable around him; he could see their nervousness melt away with each of dad’s tender words. He treated his patients that way and they weren’t even related to him. If he could show so much concern and care for them, Craig was certain he could do the same for him. There was no reason to be nervous.
The front door opened and there he was. Craig forced a smile, “So, what do you know about the periodic table?”
Albert returned Craig’s smile and gestured for him to enter the house, their home.
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“Noble gasses: helium, neon, argon, krypton, radon, xenon.” Craig recited. He was getting this science stuff. The way his father explained it always made more sense.
“Good. Defining characteristic?” Albert coached.
“Stability! Yes.” Craig declared, excited with his progress. He was getting this! He took a sip of juice and set it down on the table.
“If only you could figure out what the coaster’s for,” Albert said, his tone full of sarcasm. Craig couldn’t remember anything for the life of him. Staying at that used car salesman’s house wasn’t helping the situation any. He was sure Jeremiah was terrible at enforcing the rules. Rules that kids like Craig needed.
Craig sucked his breath in rapidly and it made a hissing noise. He didn’t move, just sat and stared as he watched his father come at him quickly, ripping his belt off, and striking him. But Craig felt nothing. He blinked a few times. It wasn’t real. His head felt light and he tried to tell himself to breathe.
“Craig? I just don’t want rings on the table. It’s not a big deal,” Albert reassured. He watched Craig’s entire demeanor shift in those few seconds. The sparkle in his son’s eyes was gone and replaced with a watchful gaze. His body was tense. Albert turned away from a moment, trying techniques he learned at anger management. He was in control. He was in control, he repeated to himself. His son had nothing to be afraid of. Albert looked over at Craig again. He was still studying him, not blinking once. That kid thought he was angry. But he wasn’t. When he was angry, Craig would know.
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Craig sat by his bedroom window, tapping his fingertips against the glass. He jumped up when he saw his father’s car pull into the driveway. Craig shot up and grabbed his coat off the bed. He already had his shoes on, ready to go. Anything to keep his father from ringing the bell and God forbid, coming inside and seeing Joey’s house. Craig almost tripped over Angie’s shoes at the foot of the stairs. Their place was still a disaster. His father would have a fit; it would be all the proof he needed that Joey’s was unstable and his stepfather was a bad parent.
Craig pulled the front door open, waved to his dad. He held up his index finger and mouthed, “One minute,” then ducked back inside.
“Joey?” Craig called out and headed into the kitchen. He could hear the water running; Joey was washing dried scrambled eggs out of a frying pan. Leftovers from breakfast this morning, Craig recalled. They barely had time to eat, much less do the dishes. Things were so crazy lately.
“I’m heading out now. Dinner with my dad,” Craig explained.
“Okay, Craig,” Joey agreed and looked over his stepson. He seemed calm. He wanted this. Craig would be okay. “Home by eight, alright? It’s a school night.”
Craig felt a burst of irritability. There his step dad goes, trying to be his father again. He had a father. “Finals finished up today. What if he wants to go catch a movie or something?”
“It’s a school night, Craig. I know you are done with exams but…”
“You don’t want me to go, do you? It’s bad enough that my dad is always jealous about me living here but why do you have to be making this complicated too? I mean, I might be going to back to live with him soon.”
Joey’s mouth dropped slightly. He wasn’t expecting that. If anything, he expected Craig to be more cautious when it came to returning home. Joey felt something else stirring up inside of him. Was it hurt? Jealousy? He had gotten used to having Craig around and nothing made him smile more than hearing that Craig won 3rd place in a photography show at school or how he’d reflect on the tender moment when they had bonded over their grief of Julia. Didn’t moments like those matter to Craig? What about how he had spent time with Craig in the hospital? Maybe he was offended by that. Didn’t Craig appreciate all that he had done for him? “Have you two been discussing when you plan on returning home? Because Robert…”
“Joey, do we have to talk about this now? I just want to keep things normal with my dad.”
“Craig, is everything going okay with your dad?”
Craig alternated his gaze between the front door and his stepfather’s face. Please don’t come to the door, he silently pleaded with his father. “Yeah as okay that it can get, since we both are thinking about how weird things are with a social worker checking up on us. You all expect him to mess up, don’t you?’
“No, I don’t,” Joey tried to reason. That wasn’t true though. There was a part of him that wanted to check his stepson over for bruises every time he came back from a visit with Albert Manning. He remembered those horrible bruises on his stomach like he had just seen them yesterday.
“Right,” Craig agreed, the doubt fully present in his voice. He listened to the sound of a car horn. “Look, I gotta go. Dad’s waiting.”
“Eight o’clock,” Joey called out as his stepson exited the room.
“I hear you.”
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Craig stood outside the restaurant bathroom, leaning up against the wall and trying to tell himself to breath. He didn’t want to go back to the dinner table. He picked up on his father’s irritable mood the second he was in the car and listened to him lecture on punctuality on the whole ride to the restaurant. He kept his eyes on his lap and would occasionally nod. He noticed as they ordered that he was digging his fingernails into his hand. Craig ran his fingertips over the purple crescent moon creases in the palm of his right hand. He hadn’t even felt it.
It’s almost over, he told himself as he rounded the corner and headed back to his father’s table. They just had to wait for the check and then it’s time for him to head back to Joey’s. Craig nearly melted into his chair when he saw that his father was signing the receipt. Say something, he told himself.
“Dinner was really good. Thanks Dad,” Craig decided on saying.
“Hey, I have to make sure you get a decent meal every once in awhile. I bet you live on junk food at Joey’s. Pizza and macaroni and cheese every night, I’m sure.”
Craig shifted uncomfortably. “Um, some of the time. It’s kinda stressful, sometimes, with Joey busy with the…” Craig paused and couldn’t say it. He knew how much his father looked down on Joey’s profession. “he’s busy with work a lot of the time and I have school.”
“So you end up reheating something that he tossed into the freezer?” Albert said in disbelief.
Craig shrugged. “I don’t mind. Last week we got together with his parents and had a huge Sunday dinner.” Shit, why did he say that? He knew his father would hate hearing how he interacted with Joey’s parents. That was something that families did and he didn‘t want his father thinking that he was replacing him. He wasn’t. He saw his father clench his jaw.
“You’d think that he could give you a well-balanced meal more often. That money I send him every month isn’t for dinner dates or accessories for his car,” Albert gripped.
“I’m sure it’ll get better once it’s summer. I can help out around the house more then.”
Albert angrily shook his head as he pulled on his coat. “Sometimes I don’t think that living situation is as stable that your social worker would like to believe.”
Craig followed his father towards the door. He could barely keep up with his father’s quick pace as he pushed through the patrons gathered at the front of the restaurant. It’s almost over with, he told himself as they walked down the street.
Albert pulled his keys from his pockets and then stopped dead. “Shit!” he exclaimed.
Craig flinched and took a few steps backward. His heart sped up quickly. “What’s wrong?” he managed to ask.
“Some punk keyed my car!” Albert furiously explained as he studied the scratch on the passenger door.
I have to get out of here, Craig heard in his head. It practically echoed. “Um, I think I’m going to walk home. It’s a nice night,” Craig tried. “Maybe I’ll stop by Ashley’s for a few.”
“I thought we agreed that I would drop you off a Joey’s at eight. Did you lie to me about that?”
“No. Uh, no, I didn’t lie. I forgot. I’m sorry.”
“How could you forget something like that?” Albert demanded. He watched Craig take two steps backward.
“Uh, I don’t know. Look, I’ll just walk home.”
“It’s dark out. I don’t want you wandering around the streets in the dark. Get in the car, Craig.”
“No, I just…it’s not a big deal. Joey’s is out of your way,” Craig said and took a few steps away from his father.
“You want to go walking around at night by yourself? I don’t think so. Get in the car.”
“I can call Joey and have him come get me. I’m…just going to go inside and use the phone…” Craig tried.
“Come on, Craig, we’ve had a good night so far. Why do you…” Albert managed to get himself to stop speaking. He heard it all in his head though. Craig was deliberately trying to ruin their night.
Something was going to happen, Craig told himself. A part of him just wanted to take off running. His heart was pounding and he picked up his walking pace. “I…uh…I’m just going to walk home.”
“Craig! Why are you acting this way?” Albert demanded as he followed his son.
Craig didn’t reply, he just kept walking. It happened quick. Both of them were barely aware of the moment.
“Craig! Don’t ignore me when I’m talking to you,” Albert said and grabbed onto his son. He whirled Craig around so he was face to face with him and kept his grip firm. Everything was such a struggle with his son. He saw the fear in Craig’s eyes. That only added to his anger. This kid had nothing to be afraid of.
“When I ask you to do something, you do it, understand? You might be trying to forget that I‘m your father but I still am and you still have to listen to me,” Albert snapped and gave his son a swift shake.
Craig felt like everything was crashing down, all the memories hitting him at once and every emotion was surging through him. It was just like that day in the darkroom, Craig thought and expected things to go further. And what was he to do? It was moments like this that he felt powerless, like the moment was having him instead of him having the moment. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.
Something inside Albert cooled down at a rapid pace. It was like flipping a switch.
Albert quickly released Craig and gently massaged his son’s shoulders, as if that tender touch was his intention the whole time. “I didn’t mean…I just had to get you to listen to me,” Albert explained. A part of him wondered if Craig was intentionally trying to get a reaction out of him. He always wondered about that. The other part knew he took things too far.
“Come on, Craigger. Let’s hit the camera store before I take you home, alright?”
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
He had taken advantage of Joey’s generosity, Craig worried. He was getting too comfortable, slacking off with his chores. He had to make it up to his stepfather, remind him that he was worth keeping around. Craig scrubbed at the counter with a sponge and when he was satisfied, went to the cupboard. It was when he was setting the glasses on the table that he heard the front door.
“Daddy!” he heard Angie call out and it was when he was putting the forks out he saw Joey in the doorway.
“Hi,” Craig greeted.
“Wow, Craig. Thanks,” Joey said as he surveyed the spotless kitchen and noted the smell of pizza cooking in the oven.
“I know I haven’t been helping out here as much as I should so…” Craig started and shrugged.
“It’s been a busy week. I know you are stressed because of exams.”
“Yeah. Finals. Lots of pressure. Look, I just wanted to do something to help. So that…you will still want me around.”
“Of course I still want you around.”
“I’m sorry about what I said. About wanting to go back to my dad’s.”
“He’s your dad, of course you are going to feel that way.”
“I don’t really feel that way…anymore.”
Joey was hesitant to reply and watched Craig. He wasn’t meeting his gaze and seemed a little fidgety. “How was dinner last night?”
“It was good.”
“That’s good,” Joey replied and tried to ignore how awkward this moment felt. He wished that his optimism about Craig’s positive interactions with his father was sincere. “You guys hit the mall again?”
“Camera store right before it closed. Picked up a few filters for my camera,” Craig replied, casually touched his pocket, and felt the wad of money. He returned them after school and got cash back. But Joey didn’t have to know about that. “Look, uh, tomorrow night is the year end dance.”
“That’s right. Aruba theme? Are you meeting up with the gang?”
“Hawaiian theme. Um, we’ll probably hang out some but I…uh…I asked Ashley.” Craig blushed at Joey’s huge grin. It was that moment that he was thankful that he didn’t ask his stepfather for advice on that. Instead he just went for it and blurted it out as they were exiting the school together. To his surprise Ashley broke into a smile and agreed that they should go together.
“So you finally asked Ashley out. I’m surprised this didn’t happen months ago.”
“I wasn’t sure if…she wanted to be more than friends. Or if it was a good idea. She’s one of my closest friends. I hope it doesn’t get change.”
“Oh it’s going to change…for the better,” Joey said with a wink.
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Joey was right, things were changing. Craig actually felt like he and Ashley were there together, despite when they would join Sean and Ellie in the corner of the darkened gym. Ellie Nash dance? She had laughed at him when he inquired about them not hitting the dance floor. Craig was picking up on strange signals between his two friends and questioned Ashley about it.
“Are they here together?” he asked and felt her run her fingers through the hair on the back of his head.
Ashley shrugged her shoulders slightly. “Ellie doesn’t talk about that kind of stuff. I think they are just friends. They just know each other through mutual friends you know…Alex…Jay…us. So they hang out a lot.”
Craig glanced over Ashley’s shoulder and watched Sean pass a flask back to Jay, who tucked it in his pocket. “Whatever, right? I’m glad that we came together?”
Ashley felt him pull her closer to him. “Thanks for the rose,” Ashley thanked and recalled how she couldn’t stop beaming when she opened the door to see him standing there, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and one long stemmed rose in his hand. She was so caught up in the moment that she wasn’t aware of her mother’s watchful gaze.
The song slowly faded out and kids around them shifted places, some exiting the floor, some entering as a fast rock song blared from the speakers. “I’m going to go get some punch,” Ashley said and leaned in close to Craig’s ear. He could feel the electricity shoot through him. He wondered if he would have the guts to kiss her goodnight. Craig followed her off the dance floor but paused when he saw Jay and another boy heading for the door.
“I’ll be right back,” Craig explained. Once he watched Ashley nod, he headed for the school’s exit.
He found Jay in the dark parking lot. He was rummaging around in the trunk of a car parked in the last row.
“Making arrangements for the after-party?” Craig asked. He watched as Jay jumped.
“Don’t do that!” Jay growled.
“Sorry,” Craig mumbled and watched the liquor exchange between Jay and another boy. After tucking away the pint, the boy hurried off. Craig lingered awkwardly next to Jay. Jay slammed the car trunk and looked over at him.
“Can I help you with something?” Jay said sarcastically.
“I know that we don’t really talk to each other…”
Jay laughed. “Are you trying to ask me out or something Manning?”
“What?” Craig stared at him stupidly.
Jay rolled his eyes. “So you’ve never bought pot before, that’s obvious. Just come out and say what you want. Your dealer is not your friend, we just chit chat to make it seem that way. It’s actually a huge pain, having this fake friendship.”
“You are very popular, I’m sure. Actually, I want some Oxy. Maybe some Xanax,” Craig explained. He watched as Jay looked surprised and then it shifted into a knowing grin.
“Oh yeah, you are a pill head. Sean told me about how you blew chunks that one night. That’s what you get for mixing them with alcohol, dumb ass.”
“I’m not a pill head. Haven’t popped any since that night. It’s the end of school, I just want to have a little party.”
“Party all you want. Look, I don’t carry that shit.”
Craig nervously glanced around the dark parking lot. He was starting to feel a bit panicked. He needed something. “Have any more alcohol?”
“That we can do. Hey, this one guy I know, Travis I think his name is. He’s always swiping pills from his mom. Says she pops them like candy. I know I saw him around tonight. You interested?”
“Very,” Craig said and pulled a few bills from his pocket. “Will this cover it for the alcohol?”
“And I thought we’d never be friends,” Jay said with a smile.
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“This has been incredible,” Craig whispered into Ashley’s ear. “This summer is going to be the best ever, I can feel it.”
He pulled Ashley into a close hug and glanced into the window of Ashley’s house to see if her mother or stepfather were checking up on them. Should he go for it and try to kiss her? Did she want him to? He could see her eyes sparkling in the dark. He could spend hours staring into them.
“This was my first dance where I had a date,” Craig admitted. “I’m glad it was with you.”
“You didn’t ever go to any in junior high?”
“I was at a boarding school so…always around the guys.”
“I’m really glad you came to Degrassi,” Ashley said softly, bringing her face slightly closer to Craig’s.
“Me too. It’s kind of like things were meant to go this way,” Craig agreed, his voice barely above a whisper.
They were quiet for a moment and then it happened. Craig was worried that his first kiss would be awkward or he wouldn’t know what to do. But kissing this girl felt right and he knew just how much to part his lips and when to pull away.
“So you’ll call me tomorrow?” Ashley asked when they broke apart.
“Yeah. Absolutely. This summer is going to be incredible,” Craig said and watched Ashley slowly inch her way towards her front door.
“I had fun tonight,” she said with a smile and watched as Craig picked his messenger bag off the porch. He’d been keeping that close him all night. “Goodnight Craig,” Ashley said and then ducked into her house.
“Goodnight Ash,” Craig echoed back and watched her smile and the door close.
As Craig walked away, he heard the pint of liquor shift in his bag. He instinctively checked his pocket for the small baggie of pills Travis had slipped into his hand in the boy’s washroom. Craig smirked, feeling like he’d come up with some solution to all the chaos that was going on with his father and Joey. There would be no more hurt.
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Something inside of Craig felt unsettled. He had to do something. Slow the stirring of thoughts, tame the intense emotions that sometimes scared him. So he brought the razorblade down through the white pill. He could take half and see what happened. He had the house to himself today.
This wasn’t a long term solution. It was okay, Craig told himself. It was just how he was going to deal for the time being. What did Sauvé, Robert, or Joey know about what was in his head? He couldn’t stand their questions or their advice. He knew this would bring on some stern lecture on the dangers of prescription drugs. He wasn’t dumb, he knew that. The thing was that this was the only way he knew how to deal. It was just how he was going to cope right now.
Craig pulled a t-shirt out of a drawer and tossed it onto the bed. He opened another drawer, pulled out a pair of socks, and tucked the pill bottle inside. He nestled the rolled up sock deep into the drawer. There’s no reason for Joey to find it, he reassured himself as he pulled his t-shirt on. It was then that he noticed the darkening bruises on his arms. He didn’t remember his father gripping him that hard. Craig told himself to breathe. No one would have seen them. It's just bruising now. He would have noticed before.
“Shit,” Craig mumbled to himself and went to his closet in search for a long sleeve shirt to throw on over his t-shirt. He noticed that his hands were shaking some as he yanked a flannel shirt off the hanger. Just another secret, he told himself as he pulled his shirt on to conceal the bruises.