What Was Left Unsaid: Abandon
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Ashley, Sean, Ellie, Joey.
Brief summary of this chapter: Craig shuts down upon the news that some of the people closest to him may be departing. He continues to trouble his friends with some unusual behavior that seems to be stemming from the recent event involving his father. Joey makes an attempt to help as well.
22. Abandon
Craig knew which fence to climb that would allow him to enter unnoticed. He also knew the hospital well enough to know which corridor would take him where he wanted to go the fastest. He could practically hear Joey’s lecture now. But what Joey didn’t understand was that he knew which buildings were in the best shape and what floors to avoid because of water damage or wear and tear. And it wasn’t like he came after dark. Sure, the no trespassing signs littered the neglected property but he had been exploring for a month. He knew this place.
He had been lurking here long enough to have a favorite hospital room. He wasn’t sure why he was attracted to it. Maybe it was the sky blue paint that was peeling away, showing colorful flecks that revealed how old the building really was. Just keep painting over the past, he had thought to himself. His camera was drawn to rooms that were shedding paint like dead skin from a sunburn. Ashley had voiced concerns about asbestos when she explored with him once. But he just went closer in with his lens, taking close up shots of broken radiator valves and the gothic slope of an wall decoration.
He didn’t worry about things like asbestos and darkened hallways that didn’t let you examine the floorboards. But it wasn’t that he was like Spinner who seemed to act like he was immortal as he tore through the place. It was more that he knew that trouble would find him one way or another. He just expected it and wasn’t surprised when it didn’t happen. Precautions didn’t help much.
Craig reflected on this as he took another drag off his cigarette. He wasn’t sure how that had happened. The last high school senior he’d gotten liquor from had offered and he accepted. Why not? He knew he wasn’t one of the kids who snuck behind the gym wall to get their fix during lunch hour or the ones that joined them to fit in. He wasn’t sure what his reasons were.
Maybe it gave him something to do. Maybe it gave his mind something to not think about; he had noticed he felt a little more mellow. Maybe it was just another thing to do so he didn’t have to head home. The only thing he wanted to see right now was something he’d never seen before, something that didn’t carry the baggage of reminders of how things were.
Craig had tried to get out of the dinner. He had homework, he didn’t feel well; he tried to explain it all to Joey. But his stepfather had insisted it was a special dinner at one of Caitlin’s favorite restaurants and he’d really appreciate it if he would join them. He had seen how Joey and Caitlin seemed especially cozy lately, cuddling in front of the TV and always going in for a kiss the moment he had his back turned to exit the room. So he had predicted an engagement announcement. He was indifferent to that, but prepared.
He had prepared for the wrong bomb.
“You know that documentary series on Unicef’s work of HIV/Aids our station has been trying to pitch? My baby? Well, it finally got approved. In a month I’ll be taking off for Africa, India, Southeast Asia, the Caribbean…it all seems unreal. I can’t believe it’s happening,” Caitlin said with a smile. Then it faded and she looked over each face at the table, “Unfortunately, it’s quite a lengthy project. It could take up to nine months to wrap up.”
“Oh,” Craig managed to spit out. He noticed how dejected his voice sounded but wasn’t sure where it was coming from. He tried to add some warmth to his voice, “Congrats.”
He glanced over at Joey and could see the sadness hiding in his eyes. They weren’t expecting this. Not now.
“It might not take all nine months. I could only be away for six,” Caitlin said cheerily, even though that was a little forced. She hadn’t expected Craig to even have a reaction.
He didn’t know where it was coming from either. Maybe he had gotten comfort from the fact that each day he could expect to see Joey and Caitlin in the kitchen in the morning rushing around for papers, school bags, and coffee. It had seemed like an eternity since he had sat in front of the TV after school and listened to the rhythm of a man and a woman exchanging conversation in the kitchen as they put together dinner and discussed their day. He could only figure that he was starting to piece together the image of what a home should be, what a family should be. He flashed back to the “perfect family” scrapbook he had created of Joey and Angela. That was before he knew what a family was. Was he starting to understand now?
And in that moment it was gone. He didn’t know where home was anymore. But he should know how quickly things disappear. He scolded himself for not foreseeing what would happen a few days later.
“Oh, hey El,” Craig greeted, only to see the redhead zip past their table in the caf. He gave a quizzical look to Sean. “Alright.”
“I told her this morning. And I guess you are the next to know,” Sean said and took a deep breath. Ellie had merely sulked away when he had delivered the news; he was sure Craig would have much more of a reaction. “Tracker got a job in Alberta.”
“Oh, good for him.”
“I have to move with him,“ Sean watched as Craig’s brow crumpled up in thought as he processed this. “I mean it sucks; I’ll probably lose my year…you guys…but I don’t really have a choice. I mean…he’s my guardian. Where he goes I go or it’s back to my parents.”
Craig stared down, picking at the green beans and then stabbing at the meat loaf. Anything to keep from looking his friend, his best friend, in the eyes. He couldn’t even believe it for a moment. His father was gone for good, Caitlin was heading overseas for months, and now Sean was moving thus starting the drift. He felt hollow inside as he felt something else slip away. He shoveled some food into his mouth so he could avoid speaking.
“I’m not thrilled either,” Sean tried, feeling like he was letting everyone down. He knew Ellie was having a tough year and the last thing he wanted to do was leave her alone to deal with her mother’s drinking. He knew how that got to her. And Craig had just only begun to come out of what would probably be the worst time in his life. As much as he hated his own parents, he couldn’t imagine reacting to them taking an exit like Albert Manning. He knew the suicide had to be cementing all issues from being abused deep inside him. He could see that almost every day. “I know you haven’t had a good year.”
“It’s fine. Whatever. What can you do, right?” Craig finally said, taking a gulp of milk.
“I should go sit with Ellie,” Ashley said, quickly scooping up her tray and making a quit exit.
“Fine. I’m sure you’ll be the next to go anyway,” Craig muttered under his breath.
“I wasn’t expecting this either, Craig,“ Sean quickly said. “I know you’re pissed. I’m pissed off about this too.”
Craig stood up and jerked his lunch tray off the table. “It doesn’t matter. I could have told you this was coming. Bye.”
He had been avoiding them since. Ellie was easy because she was the type to retreat away from them and go inside of herself as she dealt with Sean’s news. Sean wasn’t in any of his classes and he had ducked in the other direction when he saw him clearing out his locker. He gave Ashley the cold shoulder and was sure to conceal any emotional reaction he had to her confusion. When he would lurk and see her around Paige with a smile on her face, he knew it was for the best. She claimed everything was fine but he could see the past few months had been getting to her. By day three he noticed that she quit making an attempt to greet him at his locker in the morning or sit with him at lunch. He told himself not to be hurt because this was what he wanted. He’d beat them to the punch.
At first eating alone in the caf was awkward, but it had been strange for awhile. Ever since his father’s death, he’d become more aware. All of his senses were heightened and he was often nervous, waiting for the unexpected. Sitting there, watching people laugh and eat with others, he had become aware of how different he was. Carrying out a normal life was more complex now, a challenge. It wasn’t something that happened, it was something he had to do.
He had to simplify things. And solitude gave him that in a way. It was lonely at first, but then again, lately he’d always felt a strange sense of loneliness. Ms. Sauvé told him that it was because of his loss. He was still grieving. He wasn’t sure about that but there was one thing he was sure of and that was that he had to get used to being alone. He was starting to adjust more. That was how it was okay to sit here and the only thing exiting his mouth was cigarette smoke, not words. Nothing needed to be said anyway. What was there to say?
He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting on the window sill, staring out of the opening at the overgrown weeds and brown greenery that peaked up from the melting snow in the courtyard. The bare trees pointed their fingers at him, some poking close to him and he had no glass in the window to protect him. His arms were wrapped around his knees, trying to keep in what warmth the sun would give out.
“Craig?” Ashley called out and stared down the hallway. She wiped her sweaty hands on her pants. She was regretting splitting up from Sean. This place was freaking her out. So she began to imagine the worst. She wouldn’t find her way back to her friend or Craig had entered an unsafe part of the hospital and was hurt. And deep down, she worried about Craig’s mental state and she wasn’t sure if she could be what he needed right now. “Craig?” she tried again.
Craig came around and blinked a few times at what he thought was someone calling his name. Abandoned buildings, even supposed haunted ones, didn’t normally scare him. But hearing someone call his name, that was getting a bit freaky. The voice was getting closer. Craig jumped off the window sill and crept over to the door. He sighed with relief as he recognized the voice.
“Ashley?” he asked. He could hear her call out in return, this time her voice was shaking a bit less. What was she doing here wandering around by herself, he wondered. The last time they were here, he sensed she was scared. He turned a corner and could only see her silhouette as she hurried down a particularly dark corridor. Craig pushed open a heavy door to let some light in and the door scraped on the floor as it eased open.
“Oh my God,” was the words that fell out of her mouth as she embraced him.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I thought I was lost,” Ashley sighed.
“You were calling me. You knew I was here?” Craig questioned.
“Sean and I thought you might be since you weren’t anywhere else.”
“He’s here?”
“Yeah. We should find him.”
“What were you two doing wandering around alone?”
“You should talk. At least we came together,” Ashley retorted. She didn’t entirely understand Craig’s newest fascination. She knew that it started with a photography assignment that peaked his interest in abandon places or neglected and abused objects. This place seemed to have captivated him and that was how she knew she could find him here sitting and staring. She hadn’t told Joey where she thought he’d be but just said she’d check. Sometimes she found herself protecting him in those strange ways.
“What are you doing here?” Craig questioned once they located Sean in another wing. “Not that I own the place or anything…”
“Wanted to tell you the good news. I’m staying. Going on student welfare,” Sean announced and he saw Craig smile, genuinely smile. Then he saw it fade some.
“So then I bet you think I was being a jackass these past few days?” Craig asked and saw Sean’s signature eye roll and shoulder shrug.
“You don’t have to shut…” Ashley started but hearing a loud noise somewhere from the depths of the building cut her off and she couldn’t speak for a moment. She also wasn’t aware that she had reached out for Sean’s arm.
Craig wasn’t in the mood for a Ashley’s survey. It might help her to question everything and have some closure, but he from experience he knew that there was never any closure. Things just circled. So he’d do what he always did, distract. “Do you guys want to see something freaky?”
“You aren’t going to drag us off into some dark tunnel, are you?” Ashley asked, her body still tense.
“No. Come on. It’s up in the attic.”
“It?” Sean questioned. “It as in what? Human remains? A shock therapy machine?”
“You’ll see,” Craig replied as he led the way.
“At least ‘it’s not in the basement,” Sean joked.
“You have to go first,” Craig said with a smile. He stopped at the doorway leading up to the attic. Sean climbed the first three stairs that curled around the wall and stared up the rest. He glanced behind him and saw Ashley lingering two steps below him, eyes darting around the narrow passage.
“Go on,” Craig urged from behind. Sean carefully watched his step on the steep ascent. His whole foot didn’t even fit on the stair.
Craig’s boot crunched on some debris and then he broke the silence, “There’s stories about this place, you know. I mean besides for it being abandoned and of course then it’s haunted. Remember that one about how if you come by here at about 1 AM and face the south side, you can see a light move all the way down the hall in ward C?”
“It’s huge up here,” Sean commented once he reached the landing, ignoring Craig. He moved slowly around, weaving between wooden supporting beams that jutted out an angle from the wall and reached upwards the ceiling. He would occasionally part for rusted hospital equipment and haphazardly stacked furniture.
“It’s like a maze,” he continued as he noticed the attic seemed to be broken up into sections, small clusters like honeycomb that were created by wall or piles of junk. He was losing his bearings as he peered into another section. He glanced behind him and saw Ashley lingering by a large window, one of the few main light sources that weren’t blocked off.
Ashley gingerly nudged an old pile of newspapers with her foot, straining to read the title. She wasn’t sure they belonged here. It wasn’t the no trespassing signs. It was that they were still keeping the memory of this place alive and maybe certain things wanted to be left alone. Things like the occult intimidated her. She wasn’t sure what she believed but she respected it enough to worry about things like transferable energy and she hoped that whatever resided here couldn’t be picked up as easily as the flu.
“One of the stories is that there was this patient who was admitted for a compulsive illness back in the 1930’s or 40’s,” Craig said, moving past his friends. He guided them, after all he knew where to go. “They called him the bellboy because he would be found up here ringing the bell over and over.”
“Then they found him up here one day. Hanging from the rafters by a make-shift noose,” Craig finished as he rounded a corner.
Sean abruptly stopped walking as he caught sight of it, lurking in the shadows and descending down from the ceiling. He wasn’t sure if his brain processed it as a person or an apparition. It took him a moment to see the rope. He jumped a bit, but didn’t let out a shriek like Ashley did.
“It’s a dummy,” Sean reassured and walked closer, taking in how it was made.
A faded olive green piece of fabric was stuffed with some other material and tied off at a point to form a smooth round head. The fabric was pulled tight and almost flawlessly to form a clearly defined trunk of the body. A pair of ratty pants were fastened around the ‘waist’ of the dummy and waved slightly as the dummy rotated around. It fulfilled everyone’s imagined notions that a ghost simply floats.
“You jerk,” Ashley mumbled as she smacked Craig’s shoulder.
“It’s not like I hung it up there,” Craig remarked with a grin as he rubbed his shoulder.
“When did you find this?” Sean asked as he gazed up at the dummy.
“Jimmy, Spinner, and I were wandering around here one day. Spinner almost pissed in his pants,” Craig chuckled. He looked over his friends and saw a small smile each face.
“It’s really creepy,” Ashley said and moved towards a window. She wouldn’t face the dummy head on.
“He killed himself up here,” Craig said excitedly. He couldn’t explain why how he switched gears so quick. Sometimes he was terrified of things like death and other times fascinated by them. He couldn’t control the hot and cold. The only thing to do was to try and ride it out, even though it was usually a rollercoaster.
“Yeah right sure he did,” Sean remarked. “There’s always stories about places like this. It’s a hospital. There’s lots of great stories about the psych ward downstairs.” Sean swallowed hard. He was a bit disturbed by the dazed, dreamy look on Craig’s face. He didn’t get it. He couldn’t even pretend.
“Craig,” Ashley started. But she found that she had absolutely nothing to say. She could simply say she was scared and wanted to leave. That was true. But it wasn’t just because of the story. Lately, he was so preoccupied with suicide. Not that he was plotting his own, but that he wanted to always be thinking about how other people did it. He had just finished reading The Bell Jar and commented to her that he was disappointed in it because Esther didn’t kill herself.
Ashley crept closer to the faceless dummy to be near Craig. She touched his shoulder in an attempt to get him to stop staring up at it. She understood his preoccupation with suicide; well at least the surface of the issue. Of course it was his dad and this was simply Craig’s way of dealing and coming to an understanding. But observing his reactions seemed foreign and strange to her. There was times when it was like a stranger was in front of her.
“Okay, this was cool. Now it’s dull. Let’s go look around,” Sean said as he took a few steps away from Craig and gestured in the direction of the staircase.
“It might really be haunted. He might really be here,” Craig said, his tone sounding like he was trying to argue something.
“Could be. I don’t know if I’d come up here alone in the dark, weird noises going down and shit,” Sean finally said.
“I’m not going anywhere here alone, again. It was so freaky before. It would be so still and then all of a sudden I’d hear a door slam a floor up or something,” Ashley said. Then she looked over at Craig. “Why did you come here alone?”
“I don’t know. It’s quiet. It’s interesting.”
“Did you come here because of this? Because of the bellboy story?”
Craig shot Ashley an annoyed look that appeared to be slightly forced. “You didn’t find me up here, did you?”
“Sorry. I just thought that maybe you wanted to talk about it,” Ashley said softly. She knew she didn’t even have to clarify what ‘it’ was.
“I wasn’t really thinking about that story before,” Craig explained, irritated. He knew what they were thinking. It was never far from anyone’s mind. “It’s not about my dad.”
“It’s alright. It’s a cool place. And if you are ever in the mood to vandalize shit, we’ll bring Jay,” Sean said, trying to diffuse the situation. But he could see from Craig’s tense expression that he wasn’t letting this go.
“Okay, you want to talk about it. Everyone wants me to talk about it. We‘ll talk about it,” Craig said in a rush, occasionally gazing intently at Ashley before shifting his eyes to the dummy floating slowly in circles. He didn’t have the strength anymore. Something was stuck and he couldn’t remember what he wanted to say to begin with. What was it? “I want to go back to my house. My dad’s house.”
“Have you been back since…”
“No. Joey won’t let me. He had other people pack everything up for the estate sale,” Craig paused. “But the house hasn’t sold yet. I don’t even know if everything is cleared out yet. The other day someone dropped off some photo albums and stuff. So…I want to get in there.”
Sean and Ashley exchanged a look. “What are you suggesting? That we break and enter?” Sean asked.
“It’s my father’s house. It’s not breaking and entering.”
“Do you have a key?”
“No.”
“Then it’s breaking and entering.”
“If we get caught we can just blame on me being crazy.”
“We’ll have to go at night and we won’t be able to turn on any lights. You okay with that?” Sean retorted.
Craig didn’t answer. It was strange how he felt comfort in the dummy dangling from the ceiling and a tale of a disturbed patient. It wasn’t real, not entirely. That night at his father’s always alternated between being real and a dream. Sometimes things blurred so much that he forgot where he was and maybe, just maybe, thought that he would see him in the parking lot outside of school offering to help him with science homework. He looked up from the floor and saw that Sean’s mouth was still moving.
“People are bringing you stuff like photo albums to help you remember the good times. There’s nothing left in that house anymore. I know you are trying to work through that, but going to his house isn’t going to help.”
“Fuck you,” Craig growled and stalked past his friends. He whirled around at one point and said, “You think I’m going to kill myself like him, don’t you? That’s what this is about.”
Sean was speechless. He wasn’t sure how to argue with that, since he wasn’t even sure where the statement came from. He watched as Craig’s anger faded a bit and was replaced with embarrassment and he turned on his heel and went for the attic door.
“Craig, come on,” Ashley tried as she moved as quickly as she could down the narrow staircase. How in the world did Craig make it down so fast?
She paused at the bottom and looked down the hallway. The doors were all open and the light drew straight lines on the floor and spilled on the wall or into another doorway. Further down, two window arches were glowing with white light against a longer dark corridor. Craig wasn’t in sight.
“I’m not chasing you again. We’re not playing hide and seek here, Craig!” Ashley shouted.
“I’m here.”
Ashley sighed with relief when she saw him in one, turned away from them and facing a window. She started for him but came to a halt when Sean grabbed her arm and gestured next to Craig’s feet. All the windows at the hospital were a large and looming 6 feet. Only 2 feet of wall was near the floor and Craig had chosen to stand in front of the one was in a badly state and caved out altogether, creating an easy access to the blue sky in front of him and snow covered ground 4 stories below.
“I just needed air,” Craig mumbled to his friends and sucked in the crisp air.
Sean sneaked next to Craig and took a firm grip of his arm. Craig glanced over. Then he gave Sean a confused look.
“I don’t know if you are aware that you are about 4 inches from stepping out into nothing,” Sean commented.
Craig looked down, “I know. I’m fine.”
“Okay. I’m just going to hold onto your arm in case if you lose your balance or something.”
“I’m fine.”
“Good. I’m not letting go of you.”
“You think I’m going to jump.”
“No, I think you are being an idiot and standing too close to the edge,” Sean came back with, without even taking a breath.
Craig was silent a moment and then laughed quietly to himself out of nervousness. “Yeah, you could be right. I’m stepping backward now.”
“I think I just freaked myself out,” Craig said as he moved closer to the hallway. “I mean upstairs. I couldn’t breathe.”
“No problem,” Sean said.
“It’s totally cool. You didn’t end up as another story for this place,” Ashley added, pulling her phone out of her pocket at the sensations of it’s vibration. She glanced over the name. “It’s Joey.”
Craig waved his hand dismissing him, “Tell him I had my phone off and I’ll be home in a few.”
He listened curiously as Ashley fibbed to his stepfather and was full of reassurances that they would be home soon, it was freezing out and they were anxious to be out of the cold. As she clicked off the phone she gave Craig a look of warning, “I’m not lying to him again. You and I both know what he would say. You don’t need me to say it.”
“I know, I know. It’s dangerous,” Craig said quickly, his tone a little flippant. Who cared if it was? Then he softened his expression. “Thanks for that. I know this would totally make him follow through on those family counseling threats.”
“Oh, one of those,” Ashley said thoughtfully, recalling her own family therapy sessions. “Those are a blast.”
“Yeah…apparently my social worker thinks it’d help, with the whole adoption thing happening. I don’t know. Stuff has changed but none of that will help,” Craig said with a sigh. “Well, I better head home. Before Joey has a heart attack and then I’m Craig the super orphan.”
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Craig’s school days seemed to drag on, even more than usual. It had taken him weeks to fall behind while he stayed home after his father’s death, a month and a half to catch up, and it all lead up to this in his science class. Frog dissection. Craig didn’t have much of an opinion on this. It was just something that happened. He knew it had been coming for awhile. Everyone knew that the dissections happened in biology. He had even heard the rumors that cat dissections happened in advanced bio. Science wasn’t his best subject, as he had told his father many times, and he was sure he wouldn’t be making the grade to advance into that class.
He wondered what it would be like if he was still living with his father. He could just imagine the reaction. His dad loved science. The order, the definitions, and how everything added up each time to make sense. None of it ever made any sense to Craig. He didn’t understand how all the parts of a system worked together, much less how anyone could take the time to investigate why the body is the way it is.
Craig glanced around the room as Ms. Hazilakos handed him a silver tray with the lifeless frog. The first thing he noticed was the smell. Apparently Jimmy’s partner did too and he watched her duck out the door, which prompted his science teacher to crack open a window. Craig smiled as Spinner named his frog Kermit and couldn’t resist picking up the listless creature and making it dance once their teacher had her back turned. He laughed out loud once he saw Ashley launch into a lecture and yank the tray away from partner Spinner. Craig recalled how she had complained about her partner prior to the class starting, worrying about her grade point average and Spin's potential sabotage of the project. Craig didn't have much to say in response although he had a hunch the pairing was on purpose. He knew that his was. He didn't know his lab partner very well, other than it was the guy who spoke up to answer the questions that no one else knew.
“First we have to remove the abdominal muscles from the body cavity,” his partner instructed. “Cut along the midline of the body from the pelvic to the pectoral girdle.”
“The what?” Craig questioned and leaned in to see the worksheet Ms. Hazilakos had handed out several days before. He felt something stir up inside of him and he had to tell himself that this had nothing to do with his father. His father was dead, he wasn’t here to lecture him on not preparing for class work. Sometimes he hated science and wanted to fail just because his father loved it so much.
“Now make transverse, or horizontal cuts near the arms and legs,” his partner continued on and when Craig finished he watched him pin the body wall back.
Craig told himself to focus. His lab partner was gesturing with his pencil to body cavities and organs that were foreign to him. Craig stripped off his lab gloves and reached for his own worksheets, struggling to keep up. It was almost like his father was just waiting in the back of his mind. He was still a part of him and his voice was growing louder by the minute. Why can’t you keep up? Why aren’t you good at anything. The intensity was increasing and at any moment he thought he might lose all control and tell himself out loud to stop. Why was he still thinking about his father? It didn’t matter. He wasn’t here anymore.
“We have to remove the stomach.”
Craig glanced over, confused. So his partner replied, “Do you want me to do it?”
“Yeah,” he mumbled, still feeling unsteady. “If you don’t mind.”
Craig was unprepared for it, much like he was that night. He heard the crack, the loud pop he was certain had to be a gun, and he jumped out of his chair. He didn’t hear the metal chair crash on the floor. It felt as if he had lost himself. The memories rushed over him and in that strange moment, he felt like he was back at his father’s. He could hear that final conversation he had with him.
Craig heard himself mumbling to himself, but he wasn‘t sure if even that was real or what he was saying. He watched the details of the darkened living room fold back over into the classroom. “What?”
“Craig, are you-“Ms. Hazilakos started.
He cut her off with, “You have to call the police.”
The teacher wore a look of confusion and slowly approached the agitated teenager. “Why do we have to call the police?”
“The gunshot. You have to stop it. I have to stop it before it happens again.”
“That was a car engine backfiring. That’s all that was. The window is open, we can hear what’s going on outside,” Ms. Hazilakos tried to explain. The staff had all been informed of Craig’s situation and she could only assume he was having some sort of post-traumatic episode.
“That’s what I thought too. But it wasn’t. That’s what I told Joey it was and it wasn’t,” Craig said in frenzy. Then his breath caught in his throat as he glanced around the room. Every pair of eyes were on him.
“Okay, Craig, we’ll…” the teacher was cut off again as Craig went for the classroom door. “Everyone stay here, please. I’ll be right outside,”
She was relieved to find him in the empty hall, only a few feet from the classroom. She approached slowly and used this time to observe her student. Craig had his head bowed down in thought and was chewing on a fingernail.
“We’ll make sure everything is okay. I am positive that was a car engine backfiring. We’ll have someone check it out, okay?” Ms. Hazilakos calmly said and put a hand on Craig’s shoulder.
Craig just shook his head. Just when he thought that things were becoming half ways normal, it came out of nowhere and surprised him. Nothing was stable.
“If something had happened, the security guard would have called the police. And we’d be hearing sirens.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Craig sighed.
“You need to talk to someone,” Ms. Hazilakos decided for him. “I’ll take you over to Ms. Sauvé’s office, okay?”
And then he realized that he had just proven yet again that he was ‘crazy Craig.’ Ms. H knew he was a freak and had some weird reaction to his messed up life. He felt sick as he realized the show he had just put on in the classroom.
“Everyone saw me freak out,” he mumbled, not ready to move yet. That thought was bothersome, like a rash.
He couldn‘t believe he let them see him like that. He was well aware of their opinions of him already (his family was screwed up and he was even worse) and he was likely to snap at the smallest comment. He was more likely to let his fists fly and ask questions later. Ms. Sauvé had given him a letter to bring home for Joey to sign after the incident. Craig knew what that was. It was a prompt for them to have some conversation. Craig didn’t know what about. If he had something to say, he would have said it. And now he was supposed to go in and talk to her. He knew she would remind him about the letter again. Maybe she would even threaten a phone call. He would object of course and question the threats and she would reply that they weren’t threatening him, but trying to guide him along this difficult period in his life.
“I freaked out in front of everyone,” Craig stated again. “Why did I do that?”
“It’s okay. They understand. I understand. We can put ourselves in your shoes and understand your reaction,” the teacher spoke up after a moment. She put a hand on his shoulder and gave a gentle nudge. “I’ll take you to Ms. Sauvé, alright?”
“Uh, no. I’ll be fine. I mean, I can go there on my own,” Craig reassured. He watched his science teacher give him a look of hesitancy, but then nodded.
He could feel her eyes on him and heard the classroom noises as she opened the door to re-enter. He felt embarrassed as he realized what a fool he’d just made of himself. They all were just reminded of what a mess he was. Why couldn’t he keep it together, Craig scolded himself as he turned down another corridor. He paused a few feet from Ms. Sauvé’s office door. The scheduled visits were awkward enough. He hated the fact that his peers knew which day he’d be missing from study hall. And now this? The shame made him turn on his heel and head the opposite way.
“I just freaked out. I freaked out in front of everyone,” Craig rambled as he entered the media immersion lab. He knew all of Mr. Simpson’s class periods and he knew it would be empty at this time. As luck would have it, his teacher was here.
“Hey. Hey, what happened?”
“He’s not leaving me alone. I swear, he’s always there in my head. If he’s not reminding me what a screw up I am, then he’s reminding me of how he offed himself,” Craig said, his words rushed. He rubbed at his temples. “I thought I heard a gunshot. And I was there all over again.”
“It was just a flashback. You are in control. I know that it’s scary and it feels real, but it’s not. Just let it happen and let it go,” Mr. Simpson decided to try to reason after a moment of silence.
“Sometimes it so real. Sometimes I can still see the bruises. I can still see him coming at me. I can still feel it. It won’t ever go away. It feels worse now actually,” Craig rambled. “It’s like him dying made everything so final. We can’t go back and try to fix things. It’s just…that’s our history. He used to…hit me.”
Mr. Simpson pressed his fingers to his lips for a moment, wondering how to address this situation. He sensed the student/teacher relationship was becoming blurred for Craig. This was where Craig headed when his thoughts were too intense and Simpson was beginning to worry if he could handle it. He could relate to some of Craig’s issues, sure. He’d been where he was with the nightmares, flashbacks, and other residual feelings post-Claude suicide . But it wasn’t his father who had shot himself. There were clear separations in his mind and it troubled him when Craig tended to stray from discussing the suicide from time to time, leaking out stories of how he was abused. He didn’t have advice for how Craig should deal and the last thing he wanted to do was give him incorrect guidance.
“How about if I walk you down to Ms. Sauvé’s office?”
“What?” Craig asked, broken out of his daze. It was that daze he drifted into when he talked about the abuse.
“Look, we can still talk. We’re still friends. You know I’ll be over at Joey’s with bad 80’s music,” Simpson was hurriedly trying to explain. Craig was already on his feet. “We can talk about stuff. I can try to help but…I’m not sure if I can help with all of what you are going through.”
“You are just like everyone else. Everyone leaves,” Craig mumbled as he was heading for the door. “I don’t have anyone. And you know what? Screw it.”
“Craig, I just need to know that you are talking to her about all this. She might be able to help more than I can.”
“Screw you.”
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Trouble seemed to find him, Craig thought to himself as he sank into the passenger seat of the police car. He knew he was cutting it close hanging out at the hospital at dusk but it really had never occurred to him that he’d have any problems making his way out. He certainly didn’t take the no trespassing signs seriously and it never dawned on him that security patrolled the property. He wasn’t sure who was more surprised by the encounter. Craig was caught off guard and could barely defend himself (“I don’t think I saw them,” came out as more of a question when the officer had informed him of the many no trespassing signs posted). He could tell the cop was surprised by his presence; after all how many teens hung out here alone? That had to be why the steady flow of questions about his home life. Craig reassured the officer that yes, he did have a home and no, he wasn’t running away. Which prompted the cop to offer him a ride home.
He tried to negotiate his way out, knowing that he needed more restraint than he had used on Mr. Simpson earlier today, but the officer was adamant on giving him a ride home. What a mess today was, Craig thought and sighed. The ride home was awkward and Craig couldn’t focus on the cop chatter that leaked from the radio. His stomach had ached a little when approaching the car; was he going to be treated like a juvenile delinquent and ride in the back? The answer was no and he rode up front like some special case. Maybe Joey would be happy about that.
Craig’s posture tensed up as he saw Joey glance out the window and then the curtains violently shook as he closed them. He knew this wasn’t going to go over very well at all. Craig swallowed hard as he climbed out of the car and trudged towards the front door, officer in tow. He stopped a few paces from it and watched as his stepfather opened the door.
“What’s going on?” Joey demanded, emotions running high. He had tried to ignore the gut instinct that warned him that something was wrong and that was why Craig had failed to let him know of his whereabouts after school. The police car had confirmed his worst fears but relief came like a dip in a rollercoaster track when he saw Craig exit in one piece. Now there was anger pushing him along. “What did you do? What’s going on?”
“Just getting a ride home?” Craig tried to joke. Joey frowned at him and gestured into the house, encouraging Craig and the officer in.
“You are his stepfather?” the officer questioned.
“Yes. What’s going on?”
“Are you aware that Craig has been hanging out at the abandoned hospital on 8th and 105th?”
Craig watched as Joey gave him a dirty look. The cop also gave a stern glace in his direction and continued, “The one with no trespassing signs clearly posted on the property.”
“No. I wasn’t aware,” Joey politely stated to the officer and appeared apologetic. His demeanor changed as he looked over at Craig, “What were you doing there? Goofing off with friends?”
“I found Craig there alone. With these,” the cop responded and handed a package of cigarettes over.
Joey snatched them up and gave another disapproving glare to Craig that was powerful enough to make him look away. “You were hanging out there alone?”
“I don’t usually go there alone,” Craig tried to explain. He looked over the adults for a moment and then immediately turned away from the disapproving looks. “Am I in trouble for this?”
“I’ll leave that up to your stepfather,” the officer stated and opened the front door. “You and your friends should stay away from that place. The building is in poor condition, especially in certain areas. The floor could simply cave out from water damage. There are no trespassing signs for a reason. Homeless people sometimes squat there. People who could be potentially dangerous. Don’t go back there.”
Craig nodded rapidly.
“Thank you for bringing this to my attention,” Joey replied as the officer walked down the sidewalk. He could feel Craig standing perfectly still next to him, waiting for his next move. After he closed the door, he turned to face his stepson and simply studied him. He watched as Craig opened his mouth but nothing came out and that gave way into a shrug.
“We need to talk,” Joey declared and gestured to the living room. Craig stiffly sat down on the couch and watched Joey silently pace.
“What were you thinking?” Joey finally spoke, stopping to stand in front of his stepson. Where would he start?
“I like to go there and take pictures,” Craig offered.
“You didn’t have your camera today, apparently. I didn’t see you bring it in.”
“Sometimes I just need to be alone. I’m sorry. It was stupid.”
“You go and hang out at an abandon mental hospital because you want to be alone?” Joey asked, incredulous.
“It’s not a mental hospital. Just a regular hospital.”
“Whatever,” Joey sighed. “I’ve heard the stories about that place. Heard them in high school. Did someone dare you to go hang out there or something?”
“No. Apparently I’m just, uh, naturally fearless?”
“Sometimes it’s good to have a bit of fear. What if you had gotten hurt?”
“I know, Joey. But I didn’t, I’m okay,” Craig reassured, not wanting to hear the same lecture he had heard from the police officer on the ride home.
“So you are smoking now?” Joey questioned and got a shrug in response. “Grounded. Two Weeks.”
“Oh, so before you were encouraging me to go out, to have a life and now you want me to stay in. Whatever, Joey. I really don’t care.”
Joey heavily sighed. He felt like he needed an instruction manual when it came to this kid. Craig’s past was littered with so many dark events and he had to consider them all. He wished they were part of some family sitcom where he could sit him down to smoke a pack of Marlboros with him and knew just the right words to say to scare him out of the habit. There was no quick and easy solution to this. He knew it was stemming from a larger problem.
“You aren’t going to be laying in bed or watching TV the whole time. There will be chores,” Joey decided and watched Craig shrug again.
“What’s going on here Craig?” Joey asked in a warmer tone and sat down next to his stepson. They had to talk. He had to figure out what was going with his stepson. He‘d try this approach. “Look, I found the letter about detention because you got in a fight at school. Now this? You know the adoption isn’t final yet.”
“What?” Craig’s interest suddenly peaked. What did Joey mean by that? If he kept acting this way he wouldn’t let him stay here? “You don’t want…”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” Joey said with a small smile and patted Craig on the back. “I just want your social worker and the court to know that I can provide you with a stable situation. Look, I know you are going through a hard time.”
“I’m fine now,” Craig was quick to say. Why did they assume that everything bothered him so much? He watched the concern deepen on his stepfather’s face.
“You’ve been giving Caitlin a hard time lately, what’s up with that?”
Craig sighed. His stepfather just wasn’t going to give up. He was taking some inventory of all of his actions and probing for reasons. “I don’t know. She’s just been acting too much like my mother and it’s annoying,” Craig was quick to dismiss but recalled the last time he’d spoken to her. He couldn’t remember what she had asked him to do. It could have been the dishes or to take out the trash. He wasn’t sure it mattered. He only knew that she was speaking to him like a parent would and he had to say it:
“You are just taking off. How can you expect me and Angie to think of you as a step-mother when you can’t even stick around?”
“Are you worried about something?” Joey asked, breaking the silence. The other night was the first time Caitlin had expressed worry about her place in their family. They went back and forth about it some, with Joey arguing that Craig was just testing her and then he finally realized what it was.
“I’m not worried about anything. She’s taking off, so what?”
“She is coming back, Craig,” Joey reassured and was sure of it now. Craig felt like he was being abandoned.
“Fine, whatever. The other week I thought Sean was moving too. Turns out he’s staying now, going on student welfare but it stills proves it.”
“Proves what?”
“That everyone leaves. They don’t stay.”
Joey smiled nervously. “Well, it’s true people drift apart because of things like moving.”
“Or death. And then it’s over.”
Joey blinked at the bitterness in Craig’s voice and it took him a moment to get his bearings. “So Sean is what has been bothering you lately?” He watched Craig shrug again, looking annoyed. “Did something happen at school?”
“Did Ms. H call you?” Craig sharply questioned, the memory of his freak out in biology fresh in his mind.
Joey shook his head and Craig felt his gaze grow stronger. He quickly looked away and stared out into the kitchen. He wonder if Mr. Simpson ratted him out. He should have known not to trust that guy. “Did…” Craig stopped himself.
“Craig, what’s up?”
“I just…it’s not a big deal. I kind of freaked out in bio,” Craig said. He shifted his weight and then started to pick at the fabric on the couch cushion.
“What happened?”
“It’s stupid. Okay? I looked stupid. I heard a car engine backfire and I…didn’t even think…I thought that it was a gun or something. I don’t know. It just reminded me of that night. I think I said something about it and then when I realized what was going on, I left the room. I could feel everyone staring, Joey.”
Joey reached over to rub Craig’s shoulder. In that moment he recalled how insecure it was to be a teenager and how awkward it was to know that all eyes were on you. He played up the class clown act as a teen and acted like nothing bothered him. He couldn’t imagine what defenses Craig had in this situation. “They won’t remember,” was the only thing he could think of to say.
He knew that he had to go there. He had to say that he had been picking up on all the clues Craig was leaving behind. “So now you are hanging out at an abandon hospital that’s rumored to be haunted. I’ve noticed the movies you’ve been watching, the books you are reading. They are all very dark.”
Craig tried to repress any emotions. He knew Joey would bring that up. Ashley already did, or tried to. He tried to fight feelings of anger so he didn’t have an outburst and risk his chance of the grounding being extended.
“All these movies and books about death,” Joey paused. “Suicide.”
“I don’t know,” Craig sighed. “It’s just how I’m dealing. Look, Ash is on my case too about it. I’ve heard this before.”
“Well, the next time Robert stops by, I think we should talk.”
“Oh I knew this was going to happen!” Craig exclaimed and stood up. “That is why I didn’t tell you where I hang out sometimes. And I’m not always there alone. It’s not like I’m some freak. I’ve been there with everyone. Is Ashley a freak? Jimmy?”
Joey shook his head. “There’s more going on with you. We need you to get out of this morbid stuff.”
“What am I supposed to feel? What do you want from me? I can’t react any way without getting all this,” Craig paused and finished the rest in a sarcastic tone, “We are concerned crap.”
Joey was stunned for a moment. “I don’t know. I just want the old Craig back.”
“He’s gone,” Craig muttered in an empty tone that reflected how hollow he felt inside at times.
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Author’s Note: The abandoned hospital sequence was inspired by a dream I had about Craig wandering around in a gorgeous vacant hospital that was similar to the Kirkbride mental health care facilities. Just google Kirkbride buildings if you are curious. The story about the bell boy haunting was from folklore about “Saint Agnes” (possibly a fake name used to conceal the actual location) hospital I heard in a TV show.
Happy Halloween!
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Ashley, Sean, Ellie, Joey.
Brief summary of this chapter: Craig shuts down upon the news that some of the people closest to him may be departing. He continues to trouble his friends with some unusual behavior that seems to be stemming from the recent event involving his father. Joey makes an attempt to help as well.
22. Abandon
Craig knew which fence to climb that would allow him to enter unnoticed. He also knew the hospital well enough to know which corridor would take him where he wanted to go the fastest. He could practically hear Joey’s lecture now. But what Joey didn’t understand was that he knew which buildings were in the best shape and what floors to avoid because of water damage or wear and tear. And it wasn’t like he came after dark. Sure, the no trespassing signs littered the neglected property but he had been exploring for a month. He knew this place.
He had been lurking here long enough to have a favorite hospital room. He wasn’t sure why he was attracted to it. Maybe it was the sky blue paint that was peeling away, showing colorful flecks that revealed how old the building really was. Just keep painting over the past, he had thought to himself. His camera was drawn to rooms that were shedding paint like dead skin from a sunburn. Ashley had voiced concerns about asbestos when she explored with him once. But he just went closer in with his lens, taking close up shots of broken radiator valves and the gothic slope of an wall decoration.
He didn’t worry about things like asbestos and darkened hallways that didn’t let you examine the floorboards. But it wasn’t that he was like Spinner who seemed to act like he was immortal as he tore through the place. It was more that he knew that trouble would find him one way or another. He just expected it and wasn’t surprised when it didn’t happen. Precautions didn’t help much.
Craig reflected on this as he took another drag off his cigarette. He wasn’t sure how that had happened. The last high school senior he’d gotten liquor from had offered and he accepted. Why not? He knew he wasn’t one of the kids who snuck behind the gym wall to get their fix during lunch hour or the ones that joined them to fit in. He wasn’t sure what his reasons were.
Maybe it gave him something to do. Maybe it gave his mind something to not think about; he had noticed he felt a little more mellow. Maybe it was just another thing to do so he didn’t have to head home. The only thing he wanted to see right now was something he’d never seen before, something that didn’t carry the baggage of reminders of how things were.
Craig had tried to get out of the dinner. He had homework, he didn’t feel well; he tried to explain it all to Joey. But his stepfather had insisted it was a special dinner at one of Caitlin’s favorite restaurants and he’d really appreciate it if he would join them. He had seen how Joey and Caitlin seemed especially cozy lately, cuddling in front of the TV and always going in for a kiss the moment he had his back turned to exit the room. So he had predicted an engagement announcement. He was indifferent to that, but prepared.
He had prepared for the wrong bomb.
“You know that documentary series on Unicef’s work of HIV/Aids our station has been trying to pitch? My baby? Well, it finally got approved. In a month I’ll be taking off for Africa, India, Southeast Asia, the Caribbean…it all seems unreal. I can’t believe it’s happening,” Caitlin said with a smile. Then it faded and she looked over each face at the table, “Unfortunately, it’s quite a lengthy project. It could take up to nine months to wrap up.”
“Oh,” Craig managed to spit out. He noticed how dejected his voice sounded but wasn’t sure where it was coming from. He tried to add some warmth to his voice, “Congrats.”
He glanced over at Joey and could see the sadness hiding in his eyes. They weren’t expecting this. Not now.
“It might not take all nine months. I could only be away for six,” Caitlin said cheerily, even though that was a little forced. She hadn’t expected Craig to even have a reaction.
He didn’t know where it was coming from either. Maybe he had gotten comfort from the fact that each day he could expect to see Joey and Caitlin in the kitchen in the morning rushing around for papers, school bags, and coffee. It had seemed like an eternity since he had sat in front of the TV after school and listened to the rhythm of a man and a woman exchanging conversation in the kitchen as they put together dinner and discussed their day. He could only figure that he was starting to piece together the image of what a home should be, what a family should be. He flashed back to the “perfect family” scrapbook he had created of Joey and Angela. That was before he knew what a family was. Was he starting to understand now?
And in that moment it was gone. He didn’t know where home was anymore. But he should know how quickly things disappear. He scolded himself for not foreseeing what would happen a few days later.
“Oh, hey El,” Craig greeted, only to see the redhead zip past their table in the caf. He gave a quizzical look to Sean. “Alright.”
“I told her this morning. And I guess you are the next to know,” Sean said and took a deep breath. Ellie had merely sulked away when he had delivered the news; he was sure Craig would have much more of a reaction. “Tracker got a job in Alberta.”
“Oh, good for him.”
“I have to move with him,“ Sean watched as Craig’s brow crumpled up in thought as he processed this. “I mean it sucks; I’ll probably lose my year…you guys…but I don’t really have a choice. I mean…he’s my guardian. Where he goes I go or it’s back to my parents.”
Craig stared down, picking at the green beans and then stabbing at the meat loaf. Anything to keep from looking his friend, his best friend, in the eyes. He couldn’t even believe it for a moment. His father was gone for good, Caitlin was heading overseas for months, and now Sean was moving thus starting the drift. He felt hollow inside as he felt something else slip away. He shoveled some food into his mouth so he could avoid speaking.
“I’m not thrilled either,” Sean tried, feeling like he was letting everyone down. He knew Ellie was having a tough year and the last thing he wanted to do was leave her alone to deal with her mother’s drinking. He knew how that got to her. And Craig had just only begun to come out of what would probably be the worst time in his life. As much as he hated his own parents, he couldn’t imagine reacting to them taking an exit like Albert Manning. He knew the suicide had to be cementing all issues from being abused deep inside him. He could see that almost every day. “I know you haven’t had a good year.”
“It’s fine. Whatever. What can you do, right?” Craig finally said, taking a gulp of milk.
“I should go sit with Ellie,” Ashley said, quickly scooping up her tray and making a quit exit.
“Fine. I’m sure you’ll be the next to go anyway,” Craig muttered under his breath.
“I wasn’t expecting this either, Craig,“ Sean quickly said. “I know you’re pissed. I’m pissed off about this too.”
Craig stood up and jerked his lunch tray off the table. “It doesn’t matter. I could have told you this was coming. Bye.”
He had been avoiding them since. Ellie was easy because she was the type to retreat away from them and go inside of herself as she dealt with Sean’s news. Sean wasn’t in any of his classes and he had ducked in the other direction when he saw him clearing out his locker. He gave Ashley the cold shoulder and was sure to conceal any emotional reaction he had to her confusion. When he would lurk and see her around Paige with a smile on her face, he knew it was for the best. She claimed everything was fine but he could see the past few months had been getting to her. By day three he noticed that she quit making an attempt to greet him at his locker in the morning or sit with him at lunch. He told himself not to be hurt because this was what he wanted. He’d beat them to the punch.
At first eating alone in the caf was awkward, but it had been strange for awhile. Ever since his father’s death, he’d become more aware. All of his senses were heightened and he was often nervous, waiting for the unexpected. Sitting there, watching people laugh and eat with others, he had become aware of how different he was. Carrying out a normal life was more complex now, a challenge. It wasn’t something that happened, it was something he had to do.
He had to simplify things. And solitude gave him that in a way. It was lonely at first, but then again, lately he’d always felt a strange sense of loneliness. Ms. Sauvé told him that it was because of his loss. He was still grieving. He wasn’t sure about that but there was one thing he was sure of and that was that he had to get used to being alone. He was starting to adjust more. That was how it was okay to sit here and the only thing exiting his mouth was cigarette smoke, not words. Nothing needed to be said anyway. What was there to say?
He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting on the window sill, staring out of the opening at the overgrown weeds and brown greenery that peaked up from the melting snow in the courtyard. The bare trees pointed their fingers at him, some poking close to him and he had no glass in the window to protect him. His arms were wrapped around his knees, trying to keep in what warmth the sun would give out.
“Craig?” Ashley called out and stared down the hallway. She wiped her sweaty hands on her pants. She was regretting splitting up from Sean. This place was freaking her out. So she began to imagine the worst. She wouldn’t find her way back to her friend or Craig had entered an unsafe part of the hospital and was hurt. And deep down, she worried about Craig’s mental state and she wasn’t sure if she could be what he needed right now. “Craig?” she tried again.
Craig came around and blinked a few times at what he thought was someone calling his name. Abandoned buildings, even supposed haunted ones, didn’t normally scare him. But hearing someone call his name, that was getting a bit freaky. The voice was getting closer. Craig jumped off the window sill and crept over to the door. He sighed with relief as he recognized the voice.
“Ashley?” he asked. He could hear her call out in return, this time her voice was shaking a bit less. What was she doing here wandering around by herself, he wondered. The last time they were here, he sensed she was scared. He turned a corner and could only see her silhouette as she hurried down a particularly dark corridor. Craig pushed open a heavy door to let some light in and the door scraped on the floor as it eased open.
“Oh my God,” was the words that fell out of her mouth as she embraced him.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I thought I was lost,” Ashley sighed.
“You were calling me. You knew I was here?” Craig questioned.
“Sean and I thought you might be since you weren’t anywhere else.”
“He’s here?”
“Yeah. We should find him.”
“What were you two doing wandering around alone?”
“You should talk. At least we came together,” Ashley retorted. She didn’t entirely understand Craig’s newest fascination. She knew that it started with a photography assignment that peaked his interest in abandon places or neglected and abused objects. This place seemed to have captivated him and that was how she knew she could find him here sitting and staring. She hadn’t told Joey where she thought he’d be but just said she’d check. Sometimes she found herself protecting him in those strange ways.
“What are you doing here?” Craig questioned once they located Sean in another wing. “Not that I own the place or anything…”
“Wanted to tell you the good news. I’m staying. Going on student welfare,” Sean announced and he saw Craig smile, genuinely smile. Then he saw it fade some.
“So then I bet you think I was being a jackass these past few days?” Craig asked and saw Sean’s signature eye roll and shoulder shrug.
“You don’t have to shut…” Ashley started but hearing a loud noise somewhere from the depths of the building cut her off and she couldn’t speak for a moment. She also wasn’t aware that she had reached out for Sean’s arm.
Craig wasn’t in the mood for a Ashley’s survey. It might help her to question everything and have some closure, but he from experience he knew that there was never any closure. Things just circled. So he’d do what he always did, distract. “Do you guys want to see something freaky?”
“You aren’t going to drag us off into some dark tunnel, are you?” Ashley asked, her body still tense.
“No. Come on. It’s up in the attic.”
“It?” Sean questioned. “It as in what? Human remains? A shock therapy machine?”
“You’ll see,” Craig replied as he led the way.
“At least ‘it’s not in the basement,” Sean joked.
“You have to go first,” Craig said with a smile. He stopped at the doorway leading up to the attic. Sean climbed the first three stairs that curled around the wall and stared up the rest. He glanced behind him and saw Ashley lingering two steps below him, eyes darting around the narrow passage.
“Go on,” Craig urged from behind. Sean carefully watched his step on the steep ascent. His whole foot didn’t even fit on the stair.
Craig’s boot crunched on some debris and then he broke the silence, “There’s stories about this place, you know. I mean besides for it being abandoned and of course then it’s haunted. Remember that one about how if you come by here at about 1 AM and face the south side, you can see a light move all the way down the hall in ward C?”
“It’s huge up here,” Sean commented once he reached the landing, ignoring Craig. He moved slowly around, weaving between wooden supporting beams that jutted out an angle from the wall and reached upwards the ceiling. He would occasionally part for rusted hospital equipment and haphazardly stacked furniture.
“It’s like a maze,” he continued as he noticed the attic seemed to be broken up into sections, small clusters like honeycomb that were created by wall or piles of junk. He was losing his bearings as he peered into another section. He glanced behind him and saw Ashley lingering by a large window, one of the few main light sources that weren’t blocked off.
Ashley gingerly nudged an old pile of newspapers with her foot, straining to read the title. She wasn’t sure they belonged here. It wasn’t the no trespassing signs. It was that they were still keeping the memory of this place alive and maybe certain things wanted to be left alone. Things like the occult intimidated her. She wasn’t sure what she believed but she respected it enough to worry about things like transferable energy and she hoped that whatever resided here couldn’t be picked up as easily as the flu.
“One of the stories is that there was this patient who was admitted for a compulsive illness back in the 1930’s or 40’s,” Craig said, moving past his friends. He guided them, after all he knew where to go. “They called him the bellboy because he would be found up here ringing the bell over and over.”
“Then they found him up here one day. Hanging from the rafters by a make-shift noose,” Craig finished as he rounded a corner.
Sean abruptly stopped walking as he caught sight of it, lurking in the shadows and descending down from the ceiling. He wasn’t sure if his brain processed it as a person or an apparition. It took him a moment to see the rope. He jumped a bit, but didn’t let out a shriek like Ashley did.
“It’s a dummy,” Sean reassured and walked closer, taking in how it was made.
A faded olive green piece of fabric was stuffed with some other material and tied off at a point to form a smooth round head. The fabric was pulled tight and almost flawlessly to form a clearly defined trunk of the body. A pair of ratty pants were fastened around the ‘waist’ of the dummy and waved slightly as the dummy rotated around. It fulfilled everyone’s imagined notions that a ghost simply floats.
“You jerk,” Ashley mumbled as she smacked Craig’s shoulder.
“It’s not like I hung it up there,” Craig remarked with a grin as he rubbed his shoulder.
“When did you find this?” Sean asked as he gazed up at the dummy.
“Jimmy, Spinner, and I were wandering around here one day. Spinner almost pissed in his pants,” Craig chuckled. He looked over his friends and saw a small smile each face.
“It’s really creepy,” Ashley said and moved towards a window. She wouldn’t face the dummy head on.
“He killed himself up here,” Craig said excitedly. He couldn’t explain why how he switched gears so quick. Sometimes he was terrified of things like death and other times fascinated by them. He couldn’t control the hot and cold. The only thing to do was to try and ride it out, even though it was usually a rollercoaster.
“Yeah right sure he did,” Sean remarked. “There’s always stories about places like this. It’s a hospital. There’s lots of great stories about the psych ward downstairs.” Sean swallowed hard. He was a bit disturbed by the dazed, dreamy look on Craig’s face. He didn’t get it. He couldn’t even pretend.
“Craig,” Ashley started. But she found that she had absolutely nothing to say. She could simply say she was scared and wanted to leave. That was true. But it wasn’t just because of the story. Lately, he was so preoccupied with suicide. Not that he was plotting his own, but that he wanted to always be thinking about how other people did it. He had just finished reading The Bell Jar and commented to her that he was disappointed in it because Esther didn’t kill herself.
Ashley crept closer to the faceless dummy to be near Craig. She touched his shoulder in an attempt to get him to stop staring up at it. She understood his preoccupation with suicide; well at least the surface of the issue. Of course it was his dad and this was simply Craig’s way of dealing and coming to an understanding. But observing his reactions seemed foreign and strange to her. There was times when it was like a stranger was in front of her.
“Okay, this was cool. Now it’s dull. Let’s go look around,” Sean said as he took a few steps away from Craig and gestured in the direction of the staircase.
“It might really be haunted. He might really be here,” Craig said, his tone sounding like he was trying to argue something.
“Could be. I don’t know if I’d come up here alone in the dark, weird noises going down and shit,” Sean finally said.
“I’m not going anywhere here alone, again. It was so freaky before. It would be so still and then all of a sudden I’d hear a door slam a floor up or something,” Ashley said. Then she looked over at Craig. “Why did you come here alone?”
“I don’t know. It’s quiet. It’s interesting.”
“Did you come here because of this? Because of the bellboy story?”
Craig shot Ashley an annoyed look that appeared to be slightly forced. “You didn’t find me up here, did you?”
“Sorry. I just thought that maybe you wanted to talk about it,” Ashley said softly. She knew she didn’t even have to clarify what ‘it’ was.
“I wasn’t really thinking about that story before,” Craig explained, irritated. He knew what they were thinking. It was never far from anyone’s mind. “It’s not about my dad.”
“It’s alright. It’s a cool place. And if you are ever in the mood to vandalize shit, we’ll bring Jay,” Sean said, trying to diffuse the situation. But he could see from Craig’s tense expression that he wasn’t letting this go.
“Okay, you want to talk about it. Everyone wants me to talk about it. We‘ll talk about it,” Craig said in a rush, occasionally gazing intently at Ashley before shifting his eyes to the dummy floating slowly in circles. He didn’t have the strength anymore. Something was stuck and he couldn’t remember what he wanted to say to begin with. What was it? “I want to go back to my house. My dad’s house.”
“Have you been back since…”
“No. Joey won’t let me. He had other people pack everything up for the estate sale,” Craig paused. “But the house hasn’t sold yet. I don’t even know if everything is cleared out yet. The other day someone dropped off some photo albums and stuff. So…I want to get in there.”
Sean and Ashley exchanged a look. “What are you suggesting? That we break and enter?” Sean asked.
“It’s my father’s house. It’s not breaking and entering.”
“Do you have a key?”
“No.”
“Then it’s breaking and entering.”
“If we get caught we can just blame on me being crazy.”
“We’ll have to go at night and we won’t be able to turn on any lights. You okay with that?” Sean retorted.
Craig didn’t answer. It was strange how he felt comfort in the dummy dangling from the ceiling and a tale of a disturbed patient. It wasn’t real, not entirely. That night at his father’s always alternated between being real and a dream. Sometimes things blurred so much that he forgot where he was and maybe, just maybe, thought that he would see him in the parking lot outside of school offering to help him with science homework. He looked up from the floor and saw that Sean’s mouth was still moving.
“People are bringing you stuff like photo albums to help you remember the good times. There’s nothing left in that house anymore. I know you are trying to work through that, but going to his house isn’t going to help.”
“Fuck you,” Craig growled and stalked past his friends. He whirled around at one point and said, “You think I’m going to kill myself like him, don’t you? That’s what this is about.”
Sean was speechless. He wasn’t sure how to argue with that, since he wasn’t even sure where the statement came from. He watched as Craig’s anger faded a bit and was replaced with embarrassment and he turned on his heel and went for the attic door.
“Craig, come on,” Ashley tried as she moved as quickly as she could down the narrow staircase. How in the world did Craig make it down so fast?
She paused at the bottom and looked down the hallway. The doors were all open and the light drew straight lines on the floor and spilled on the wall or into another doorway. Further down, two window arches were glowing with white light against a longer dark corridor. Craig wasn’t in sight.
“I’m not chasing you again. We’re not playing hide and seek here, Craig!” Ashley shouted.
“I’m here.”
Ashley sighed with relief when she saw him in one, turned away from them and facing a window. She started for him but came to a halt when Sean grabbed her arm and gestured next to Craig’s feet. All the windows at the hospital were a large and looming 6 feet. Only 2 feet of wall was near the floor and Craig had chosen to stand in front of the one was in a badly state and caved out altogether, creating an easy access to the blue sky in front of him and snow covered ground 4 stories below.
“I just needed air,” Craig mumbled to his friends and sucked in the crisp air.
Sean sneaked next to Craig and took a firm grip of his arm. Craig glanced over. Then he gave Sean a confused look.
“I don’t know if you are aware that you are about 4 inches from stepping out into nothing,” Sean commented.
Craig looked down, “I know. I’m fine.”
“Okay. I’m just going to hold onto your arm in case if you lose your balance or something.”
“I’m fine.”
“Good. I’m not letting go of you.”
“You think I’m going to jump.”
“No, I think you are being an idiot and standing too close to the edge,” Sean came back with, without even taking a breath.
Craig was silent a moment and then laughed quietly to himself out of nervousness. “Yeah, you could be right. I’m stepping backward now.”
“I think I just freaked myself out,” Craig said as he moved closer to the hallway. “I mean upstairs. I couldn’t breathe.”
“No problem,” Sean said.
“It’s totally cool. You didn’t end up as another story for this place,” Ashley added, pulling her phone out of her pocket at the sensations of it’s vibration. She glanced over the name. “It’s Joey.”
Craig waved his hand dismissing him, “Tell him I had my phone off and I’ll be home in a few.”
He listened curiously as Ashley fibbed to his stepfather and was full of reassurances that they would be home soon, it was freezing out and they were anxious to be out of the cold. As she clicked off the phone she gave Craig a look of warning, “I’m not lying to him again. You and I both know what he would say. You don’t need me to say it.”
“I know, I know. It’s dangerous,” Craig said quickly, his tone a little flippant. Who cared if it was? Then he softened his expression. “Thanks for that. I know this would totally make him follow through on those family counseling threats.”
“Oh, one of those,” Ashley said thoughtfully, recalling her own family therapy sessions. “Those are a blast.”
“Yeah…apparently my social worker thinks it’d help, with the whole adoption thing happening. I don’t know. Stuff has changed but none of that will help,” Craig said with a sigh. “Well, I better head home. Before Joey has a heart attack and then I’m Craig the super orphan.”
---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Craig’s school days seemed to drag on, even more than usual. It had taken him weeks to fall behind while he stayed home after his father’s death, a month and a half to catch up, and it all lead up to this in his science class. Frog dissection. Craig didn’t have much of an opinion on this. It was just something that happened. He knew it had been coming for awhile. Everyone knew that the dissections happened in biology. He had even heard the rumors that cat dissections happened in advanced bio. Science wasn’t his best subject, as he had told his father many times, and he was sure he wouldn’t be making the grade to advance into that class.
He wondered what it would be like if he was still living with his father. He could just imagine the reaction. His dad loved science. The order, the definitions, and how everything added up each time to make sense. None of it ever made any sense to Craig. He didn’t understand how all the parts of a system worked together, much less how anyone could take the time to investigate why the body is the way it is.
Craig glanced around the room as Ms. Hazilakos handed him a silver tray with the lifeless frog. The first thing he noticed was the smell. Apparently Jimmy’s partner did too and he watched her duck out the door, which prompted his science teacher to crack open a window. Craig smiled as Spinner named his frog Kermit and couldn’t resist picking up the listless creature and making it dance once their teacher had her back turned. He laughed out loud once he saw Ashley launch into a lecture and yank the tray away from partner Spinner. Craig recalled how she had complained about her partner prior to the class starting, worrying about her grade point average and Spin's potential sabotage of the project. Craig didn't have much to say in response although he had a hunch the pairing was on purpose. He knew that his was. He didn't know his lab partner very well, other than it was the guy who spoke up to answer the questions that no one else knew.
“First we have to remove the abdominal muscles from the body cavity,” his partner instructed. “Cut along the midline of the body from the pelvic to the pectoral girdle.”
“The what?” Craig questioned and leaned in to see the worksheet Ms. Hazilakos had handed out several days before. He felt something stir up inside of him and he had to tell himself that this had nothing to do with his father. His father was dead, he wasn’t here to lecture him on not preparing for class work. Sometimes he hated science and wanted to fail just because his father loved it so much.
“Now make transverse, or horizontal cuts near the arms and legs,” his partner continued on and when Craig finished he watched him pin the body wall back.
Craig told himself to focus. His lab partner was gesturing with his pencil to body cavities and organs that were foreign to him. Craig stripped off his lab gloves and reached for his own worksheets, struggling to keep up. It was almost like his father was just waiting in the back of his mind. He was still a part of him and his voice was growing louder by the minute. Why can’t you keep up? Why aren’t you good at anything. The intensity was increasing and at any moment he thought he might lose all control and tell himself out loud to stop. Why was he still thinking about his father? It didn’t matter. He wasn’t here anymore.
“We have to remove the stomach.”
Craig glanced over, confused. So his partner replied, “Do you want me to do it?”
“Yeah,” he mumbled, still feeling unsteady. “If you don’t mind.”
Craig was unprepared for it, much like he was that night. He heard the crack, the loud pop he was certain had to be a gun, and he jumped out of his chair. He didn’t hear the metal chair crash on the floor. It felt as if he had lost himself. The memories rushed over him and in that strange moment, he felt like he was back at his father’s. He could hear that final conversation he had with him.
Craig heard himself mumbling to himself, but he wasn‘t sure if even that was real or what he was saying. He watched the details of the darkened living room fold back over into the classroom. “What?”
“Craig, are you-“Ms. Hazilakos started.
He cut her off with, “You have to call the police.”
The teacher wore a look of confusion and slowly approached the agitated teenager. “Why do we have to call the police?”
“The gunshot. You have to stop it. I have to stop it before it happens again.”
“That was a car engine backfiring. That’s all that was. The window is open, we can hear what’s going on outside,” Ms. Hazilakos tried to explain. The staff had all been informed of Craig’s situation and she could only assume he was having some sort of post-traumatic episode.
“That’s what I thought too. But it wasn’t. That’s what I told Joey it was and it wasn’t,” Craig said in frenzy. Then his breath caught in his throat as he glanced around the room. Every pair of eyes were on him.
“Okay, Craig, we’ll…” the teacher was cut off again as Craig went for the classroom door. “Everyone stay here, please. I’ll be right outside,”
She was relieved to find him in the empty hall, only a few feet from the classroom. She approached slowly and used this time to observe her student. Craig had his head bowed down in thought and was chewing on a fingernail.
“We’ll make sure everything is okay. I am positive that was a car engine backfiring. We’ll have someone check it out, okay?” Ms. Hazilakos calmly said and put a hand on Craig’s shoulder.
Craig just shook his head. Just when he thought that things were becoming half ways normal, it came out of nowhere and surprised him. Nothing was stable.
“If something had happened, the security guard would have called the police. And we’d be hearing sirens.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Craig sighed.
“You need to talk to someone,” Ms. Hazilakos decided for him. “I’ll take you over to Ms. Sauvé’s office, okay?”
And then he realized that he had just proven yet again that he was ‘crazy Craig.’ Ms. H knew he was a freak and had some weird reaction to his messed up life. He felt sick as he realized the show he had just put on in the classroom.
“Everyone saw me freak out,” he mumbled, not ready to move yet. That thought was bothersome, like a rash.
He couldn‘t believe he let them see him like that. He was well aware of their opinions of him already (his family was screwed up and he was even worse) and he was likely to snap at the smallest comment. He was more likely to let his fists fly and ask questions later. Ms. Sauvé had given him a letter to bring home for Joey to sign after the incident. Craig knew what that was. It was a prompt for them to have some conversation. Craig didn’t know what about. If he had something to say, he would have said it. And now he was supposed to go in and talk to her. He knew she would remind him about the letter again. Maybe she would even threaten a phone call. He would object of course and question the threats and she would reply that they weren’t threatening him, but trying to guide him along this difficult period in his life.
“I freaked out in front of everyone,” Craig stated again. “Why did I do that?”
“It’s okay. They understand. I understand. We can put ourselves in your shoes and understand your reaction,” the teacher spoke up after a moment. She put a hand on his shoulder and gave a gentle nudge. “I’ll take you to Ms. Sauvé, alright?”
“Uh, no. I’ll be fine. I mean, I can go there on my own,” Craig reassured. He watched his science teacher give him a look of hesitancy, but then nodded.
He could feel her eyes on him and heard the classroom noises as she opened the door to re-enter. He felt embarrassed as he realized what a fool he’d just made of himself. They all were just reminded of what a mess he was. Why couldn’t he keep it together, Craig scolded himself as he turned down another corridor. He paused a few feet from Ms. Sauvé’s office door. The scheduled visits were awkward enough. He hated the fact that his peers knew which day he’d be missing from study hall. And now this? The shame made him turn on his heel and head the opposite way.
“I just freaked out. I freaked out in front of everyone,” Craig rambled as he entered the media immersion lab. He knew all of Mr. Simpson’s class periods and he knew it would be empty at this time. As luck would have it, his teacher was here.
“Hey. Hey, what happened?”
“He’s not leaving me alone. I swear, he’s always there in my head. If he’s not reminding me what a screw up I am, then he’s reminding me of how he offed himself,” Craig said, his words rushed. He rubbed at his temples. “I thought I heard a gunshot. And I was there all over again.”
“It was just a flashback. You are in control. I know that it’s scary and it feels real, but it’s not. Just let it happen and let it go,” Mr. Simpson decided to try to reason after a moment of silence.
“Sometimes it so real. Sometimes I can still see the bruises. I can still see him coming at me. I can still feel it. It won’t ever go away. It feels worse now actually,” Craig rambled. “It’s like him dying made everything so final. We can’t go back and try to fix things. It’s just…that’s our history. He used to…hit me.”
Mr. Simpson pressed his fingers to his lips for a moment, wondering how to address this situation. He sensed the student/teacher relationship was becoming blurred for Craig. This was where Craig headed when his thoughts were too intense and Simpson was beginning to worry if he could handle it. He could relate to some of Craig’s issues, sure. He’d been where he was with the nightmares, flashbacks, and other residual feelings post-Claude suicide . But it wasn’t his father who had shot himself. There were clear separations in his mind and it troubled him when Craig tended to stray from discussing the suicide from time to time, leaking out stories of how he was abused. He didn’t have advice for how Craig should deal and the last thing he wanted to do was give him incorrect guidance.
“How about if I walk you down to Ms. Sauvé’s office?”
“What?” Craig asked, broken out of his daze. It was that daze he drifted into when he talked about the abuse.
“Look, we can still talk. We’re still friends. You know I’ll be over at Joey’s with bad 80’s music,” Simpson was hurriedly trying to explain. Craig was already on his feet. “We can talk about stuff. I can try to help but…I’m not sure if I can help with all of what you are going through.”
“You are just like everyone else. Everyone leaves,” Craig mumbled as he was heading for the door. “I don’t have anyone. And you know what? Screw it.”
“Craig, I just need to know that you are talking to her about all this. She might be able to help more than I can.”
“Screw you.”
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Trouble seemed to find him, Craig thought to himself as he sank into the passenger seat of the police car. He knew he was cutting it close hanging out at the hospital at dusk but it really had never occurred to him that he’d have any problems making his way out. He certainly didn’t take the no trespassing signs seriously and it never dawned on him that security patrolled the property. He wasn’t sure who was more surprised by the encounter. Craig was caught off guard and could barely defend himself (“I don’t think I saw them,” came out as more of a question when the officer had informed him of the many no trespassing signs posted). He could tell the cop was surprised by his presence; after all how many teens hung out here alone? That had to be why the steady flow of questions about his home life. Craig reassured the officer that yes, he did have a home and no, he wasn’t running away. Which prompted the cop to offer him a ride home.
He tried to negotiate his way out, knowing that he needed more restraint than he had used on Mr. Simpson earlier today, but the officer was adamant on giving him a ride home. What a mess today was, Craig thought and sighed. The ride home was awkward and Craig couldn’t focus on the cop chatter that leaked from the radio. His stomach had ached a little when approaching the car; was he going to be treated like a juvenile delinquent and ride in the back? The answer was no and he rode up front like some special case. Maybe Joey would be happy about that.
Craig’s posture tensed up as he saw Joey glance out the window and then the curtains violently shook as he closed them. He knew this wasn’t going to go over very well at all. Craig swallowed hard as he climbed out of the car and trudged towards the front door, officer in tow. He stopped a few paces from it and watched as his stepfather opened the door.
“What’s going on?” Joey demanded, emotions running high. He had tried to ignore the gut instinct that warned him that something was wrong and that was why Craig had failed to let him know of his whereabouts after school. The police car had confirmed his worst fears but relief came like a dip in a rollercoaster track when he saw Craig exit in one piece. Now there was anger pushing him along. “What did you do? What’s going on?”
“Just getting a ride home?” Craig tried to joke. Joey frowned at him and gestured into the house, encouraging Craig and the officer in.
“You are his stepfather?” the officer questioned.
“Yes. What’s going on?”
“Are you aware that Craig has been hanging out at the abandoned hospital on 8th and 105th?”
Craig watched as Joey gave him a dirty look. The cop also gave a stern glace in his direction and continued, “The one with no trespassing signs clearly posted on the property.”
“No. I wasn’t aware,” Joey politely stated to the officer and appeared apologetic. His demeanor changed as he looked over at Craig, “What were you doing there? Goofing off with friends?”
“I found Craig there alone. With these,” the cop responded and handed a package of cigarettes over.
Joey snatched them up and gave another disapproving glare to Craig that was powerful enough to make him look away. “You were hanging out there alone?”
“I don’t usually go there alone,” Craig tried to explain. He looked over the adults for a moment and then immediately turned away from the disapproving looks. “Am I in trouble for this?”
“I’ll leave that up to your stepfather,” the officer stated and opened the front door. “You and your friends should stay away from that place. The building is in poor condition, especially in certain areas. The floor could simply cave out from water damage. There are no trespassing signs for a reason. Homeless people sometimes squat there. People who could be potentially dangerous. Don’t go back there.”
Craig nodded rapidly.
“Thank you for bringing this to my attention,” Joey replied as the officer walked down the sidewalk. He could feel Craig standing perfectly still next to him, waiting for his next move. After he closed the door, he turned to face his stepson and simply studied him. He watched as Craig opened his mouth but nothing came out and that gave way into a shrug.
“We need to talk,” Joey declared and gestured to the living room. Craig stiffly sat down on the couch and watched Joey silently pace.
“What were you thinking?” Joey finally spoke, stopping to stand in front of his stepson. Where would he start?
“I like to go there and take pictures,” Craig offered.
“You didn’t have your camera today, apparently. I didn’t see you bring it in.”
“Sometimes I just need to be alone. I’m sorry. It was stupid.”
“You go and hang out at an abandon mental hospital because you want to be alone?” Joey asked, incredulous.
“It’s not a mental hospital. Just a regular hospital.”
“Whatever,” Joey sighed. “I’ve heard the stories about that place. Heard them in high school. Did someone dare you to go hang out there or something?”
“No. Apparently I’m just, uh, naturally fearless?”
“Sometimes it’s good to have a bit of fear. What if you had gotten hurt?”
“I know, Joey. But I didn’t, I’m okay,” Craig reassured, not wanting to hear the same lecture he had heard from the police officer on the ride home.
“So you are smoking now?” Joey questioned and got a shrug in response. “Grounded. Two Weeks.”
“Oh, so before you were encouraging me to go out, to have a life and now you want me to stay in. Whatever, Joey. I really don’t care.”
Joey heavily sighed. He felt like he needed an instruction manual when it came to this kid. Craig’s past was littered with so many dark events and he had to consider them all. He wished they were part of some family sitcom where he could sit him down to smoke a pack of Marlboros with him and knew just the right words to say to scare him out of the habit. There was no quick and easy solution to this. He knew it was stemming from a larger problem.
“You aren’t going to be laying in bed or watching TV the whole time. There will be chores,” Joey decided and watched Craig shrug again.
“What’s going on here Craig?” Joey asked in a warmer tone and sat down next to his stepson. They had to talk. He had to figure out what was going with his stepson. He‘d try this approach. “Look, I found the letter about detention because you got in a fight at school. Now this? You know the adoption isn’t final yet.”
“What?” Craig’s interest suddenly peaked. What did Joey mean by that? If he kept acting this way he wouldn’t let him stay here? “You don’t want…”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” Joey said with a small smile and patted Craig on the back. “I just want your social worker and the court to know that I can provide you with a stable situation. Look, I know you are going through a hard time.”
“I’m fine now,” Craig was quick to say. Why did they assume that everything bothered him so much? He watched the concern deepen on his stepfather’s face.
“You’ve been giving Caitlin a hard time lately, what’s up with that?”
Craig sighed. His stepfather just wasn’t going to give up. He was taking some inventory of all of his actions and probing for reasons. “I don’t know. She’s just been acting too much like my mother and it’s annoying,” Craig was quick to dismiss but recalled the last time he’d spoken to her. He couldn’t remember what she had asked him to do. It could have been the dishes or to take out the trash. He wasn’t sure it mattered. He only knew that she was speaking to him like a parent would and he had to say it:
“You are just taking off. How can you expect me and Angie to think of you as a step-mother when you can’t even stick around?”
“Are you worried about something?” Joey asked, breaking the silence. The other night was the first time Caitlin had expressed worry about her place in their family. They went back and forth about it some, with Joey arguing that Craig was just testing her and then he finally realized what it was.
“I’m not worried about anything. She’s taking off, so what?”
“She is coming back, Craig,” Joey reassured and was sure of it now. Craig felt like he was being abandoned.
“Fine, whatever. The other week I thought Sean was moving too. Turns out he’s staying now, going on student welfare but it stills proves it.”
“Proves what?”
“That everyone leaves. They don’t stay.”
Joey smiled nervously. “Well, it’s true people drift apart because of things like moving.”
“Or death. And then it’s over.”
Joey blinked at the bitterness in Craig’s voice and it took him a moment to get his bearings. “So Sean is what has been bothering you lately?” He watched Craig shrug again, looking annoyed. “Did something happen at school?”
“Did Ms. H call you?” Craig sharply questioned, the memory of his freak out in biology fresh in his mind.
Joey shook his head and Craig felt his gaze grow stronger. He quickly looked away and stared out into the kitchen. He wonder if Mr. Simpson ratted him out. He should have known not to trust that guy. “Did…” Craig stopped himself.
“Craig, what’s up?”
“I just…it’s not a big deal. I kind of freaked out in bio,” Craig said. He shifted his weight and then started to pick at the fabric on the couch cushion.
“What happened?”
“It’s stupid. Okay? I looked stupid. I heard a car engine backfire and I…didn’t even think…I thought that it was a gun or something. I don’t know. It just reminded me of that night. I think I said something about it and then when I realized what was going on, I left the room. I could feel everyone staring, Joey.”
Joey reached over to rub Craig’s shoulder. In that moment he recalled how insecure it was to be a teenager and how awkward it was to know that all eyes were on you. He played up the class clown act as a teen and acted like nothing bothered him. He couldn’t imagine what defenses Craig had in this situation. “They won’t remember,” was the only thing he could think of to say.
He knew that he had to go there. He had to say that he had been picking up on all the clues Craig was leaving behind. “So now you are hanging out at an abandon hospital that’s rumored to be haunted. I’ve noticed the movies you’ve been watching, the books you are reading. They are all very dark.”
Craig tried to repress any emotions. He knew Joey would bring that up. Ashley already did, or tried to. He tried to fight feelings of anger so he didn’t have an outburst and risk his chance of the grounding being extended.
“All these movies and books about death,” Joey paused. “Suicide.”
“I don’t know,” Craig sighed. “It’s just how I’m dealing. Look, Ash is on my case too about it. I’ve heard this before.”
“Well, the next time Robert stops by, I think we should talk.”
“Oh I knew this was going to happen!” Craig exclaimed and stood up. “That is why I didn’t tell you where I hang out sometimes. And I’m not always there alone. It’s not like I’m some freak. I’ve been there with everyone. Is Ashley a freak? Jimmy?”
Joey shook his head. “There’s more going on with you. We need you to get out of this morbid stuff.”
“What am I supposed to feel? What do you want from me? I can’t react any way without getting all this,” Craig paused and finished the rest in a sarcastic tone, “We are concerned crap.”
Joey was stunned for a moment. “I don’t know. I just want the old Craig back.”
“He’s gone,” Craig muttered in an empty tone that reflected how hollow he felt inside at times.
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Author’s Note: The abandoned hospital sequence was inspired by a dream I had about Craig wandering around in a gorgeous vacant hospital that was similar to the Kirkbride mental health care facilities. Just google Kirkbride buildings if you are curious. The story about the bell boy haunting was from folklore about “Saint Agnes” (possibly a fake name used to conceal the actual location) hospital I heard in a TV show.
Happy Halloween!