What Was Left Unsaid: Ghost In The Machine
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Ms. Sauve, Craig/Ashley, Joey, Ashley's family, Mr. "Snake" Simpson, Craig's bandmates from Downtown Sasquatch, Sean, Ellie.
Brief summary of this chapter: Craig meets up with school psychologist Ms. Sauvé for what he hopes is his final session. As usual, he has some hesitations on what he wants to reveal and what he'd rather have left unsaid.
24. Ghost in the Machine
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Author’s Note: There’s some flashback sequences in this chapter. They are in italics.
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Joey had to pick the right moment to drop the bomb. It shouldn’t be a very large bomb but sometimes dealing with his moody teenager was like navigating mines. “You have that session with Ms. Sauvé today,” Joey reminded and shifted the car into park.
Craig froze mid-action and sank back into his seat. He shot a glare at the Degrassi community school sign and then took a deep breath. “Yeah, I know. You told me to sign up for a session once school started.”
“We’re about a month into the school year.” Joey reminded, deciding to use a firm tone. He glanced at the clock. He had about five minutes to play dodge ball about the therapy session issue with Craig. If he wasn’t under so much pressure with work and home, he might be more impressed by how Craig was able to avoid discussing certain topics or use Angela as a decoy.
“This is just a one time thing right? You said that since I’m adopted…and I’m fine now…that I’d just have to go this once.”
“Yup, just this once,” Joey reassured. He hoped he was doing the right thing. If something was wrong the school psychologist would see it, right? And she’d be able to negotiate sessions better than he. “This isn’t supposed to be a punishment.”
“You’ve never had to do the whole therapy thing, you don’t know what it’s like,” Craig sighed and wished the day were over. He was fine. He was fine, he repeated silently to himself and felt that itch inside of him. Something was always off. No, he was fine.
“After your mom died, I went to a support group,” Joey offered. “It’s good to have someone to talk to you who knows what you are going through.”
Craig looked down and nodded rapidly. His mom and support groups; two subjects he wanted to avoid. He forced a smile to his step dad, “Okay. I’m sure it won’t be bad. Maybe I’ll do the whole therapy thing later. But I’m fine, really. I don’t think about…stuff…anymore.”
Joey glanced at the clock again. No time to argue about how Craig wasn’t doing anything wrong by thinking about ‘stuff.’ “Sounds like plan. So sign into your study hall and then head down to her office, okay? She’ll call home if you don’t show up, so I’ll know.”
“Yes, yes,” Craig agreed and climbed out of the car. “You know, think about how much time you’d save if you didn’t have to drive me off to school every morning.”
“No time for the I’m sixteen and am worthy of a car argument Craig. Have a good day.”
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He was surprised by how little her office had changed. There was new flyers about internships, hotlines, and schedules of school meetings on the bulletin board. That signified the new school year, but mostly it was the same. Craig had gotten to know this room well and he always sat, or sometimes sank if he was having a bad day, into the same chair. And he knew he’d be staring at the same plants and degrees from university when he wanted to avoid looking the school psychologist in the eye.
He had finally shaken his social worker Robert now if only he could cut this one loose too. It just wasn’t any of their business, he sometimes argued with himself and other times with Joey. And more often than not, it hurt more to talk about it than to keep it in. Sauvé didn’t agree with that though and he was sure he heard her describe it as poison and if he didn’t spit it out, it would slowly eat away at him. Maybe she hadn’t worded it that way, ever so serious, but it was possible.
“How are you?” Ms. Sauvé asked once Craig settled down into his seat.
“Oh I’m fine.” That always fell out of his mouth easily. He knew she would move in on him slowly with the questioning and guidance. First she would start out with the curiosity about what classes he was taking this year, then maybe it would be his friends, Joey…and finally they would get to the what weighed on his mind and heart the most, his dad. He might try to fill up the hour with discussions on what songs his band was covering and the adoption, but usually the way he remembered his father ended up slipping out of him. Sometime he felt relieved afterward but sometimes it just stirred up memories of growing up with his father and his death. It wasn’t fair that they were forcing him to think about this.
“I’m still seeing Ashley,” Craig decided to say after mentioning Downtown Sasquatch. “Sometimes it’s easier to jam with her than it with them. With Ash, it’s like we’re on the same page and everything just flows.”
“You’ve been in a relationship with her for awhile, yes?”
“It feels like forever. But it feels right. I even had dinner with her family the other night. Like her whole family, her dad and his boyfriend and her grandparents and stuff. It was kind of this huge deal…” Craig said with a sincere smile on his face and his speech sped up as he described the details.
It was like that time when he had asked Joey how to go about asking Ashley out on a date. He was wearing that same grin. It made him feel embarrassed some, but he wanted to make a good impression on Ashley’s family so he had to shed the vintage rock t-shirt and wear a dress shirt and slacks instead. He could hardly believe that she had asked him to attend dinner at an upscale restaurant with her entire family. She had looked a little flustered by his huge grin. He couldn’t help that; he felt like he belonged. That was where they wanted him to be.
He had felt awkward as Ashley introduced him to her father, his boyfriend, and other extended family members. His stomach was doing somersaults. This was serious and official; he was meeting everyone, even her grandparents. They didn’t just exist in photographs he’d seen on the living room walls and in photo albums in Ashley’s bedroom. His girlfriend had been flustered when she finally took the albums off the shelves and let him look. He was all smiles of course, looking over old snapshots taken of family vacations and a five year old Ashley cuddled up with her father by the Christmas tree. His heart sped up some; this family dinner was just another way she was letting him in. And they seemed to be okay with it.
“Ashley talks about you quite a bit,” Robert Kerwin said to Craig after everyone had settled down at the table and ordered dinner. “You are a musician too?”
“Yeah! I have a band, but Ash is totally one of my biggest inspirations. I don‘t think I‘d be that into music if it wasn‘t for her. She‘s very talented,” Craig said, maybe a bit too energetically. He felt Ashley’s hand slip into his lap and she intertwined her fingers with his.
“And that’s why you won’t let me join the band right?” Ashley joked.
“I would. If I could, you’d be in,” Craig was quick to say.
Ashley smiled back at him. “It’s the boys band, I know.”
“Yeah but Ash and I…we wrote a couple songs together last week. We just click together when we’re working. It’s not like that with the guys. Ash and I both kind of have different styles but it all comes together in the end.”
“Maybe a collaboration is in the future?” Chris encouraged, smiling at the two teens.
Craig stayed quiet during most of the dinner, listening and learning things about Ashley’s family that he didn’t know. Her family was large, taking up several large tables in the restaurant and their chatter filled the room as they caught up with each other. A blended family, Ashley had described them as in one of their first conversations about their families. That was back when he had to lie about his; rich, surgeon father who let him set up his own dark room in the basement and they lived alone after his mother died. He remembered how she had seemed a little upset about that, asking if his dad was the only person he had. And it was at the time. Then came along Joey. Their families didn’t blend like Ash’s did. He always felt like he was being tugged in all these different directions and didn’t really fit in anywhere.
Maybe he belonged here with Ashley and her family. He was genuinely happy when Robert and Chris surprised their family with news of an engagement. Craig had looked over everyone of their faces, staying on Ashley’s the longest to make sure she was alright with the announcement. He was here for this, like he belonged.
“You’re invited to the wedding too, Craig,” Ashley’s father said to him over dessert and Craig was a little stunned at first, then broke into a smile.
“It was just really nice of them to invite me to the dinner…and to the wedding. It’s like they don’t mind having me around. I don’t know if I’d want someone like me around my daughter or even around, say, Angie,” Craig admitted.
“Why would you think that they wouldn’t like you?” Ms. Sauvé questioned.
Craig shrugged and looked down at his hands. “Maybe they don’t know about my past. My dad. I don’t know how much Ash tells them. Knowing her, it’s probably a lot. So it‘s strange that they don‘t mind me dating her.”
“You aren’t a bad person because you were abused or your dad committed suicide.”
“You’d just think that they’d assume that it’d make me a little crazy…not good enough for someone like Ashley.”
“There’s more to you than the things in your past. People see more to you; the musician, the photographer, Angie’s big brother,” Ms. Sauvé reassured.
“I guess,” Craig agreed sullenly. Then he smiled a little, “Ashley’s dad is like that, I think. She’s lucky to have a guy like that around, even if she doesn’t see him that much. I think I actually mentioned to Ash that like, if we ever got married, they’d be my family too. I like that about marriage, where you are actually being accepted into something and not just placed in some guy’s house cause…”
Craig stopped, realizing that Ms. Sauvé was watching him a little more intently. He hated when he tended to ramble. He was letting his guard down and things were slipping out, things that she probably shouldn‘t know. “I mean…I don’t know what I just said. My family is just kind of weird.”
“It’s good that you feel like you are accepted by Ashley’s family, but you have one of your own too.”
“Yeah. Totally. I know that. It’s just the whole night was…really nice. Really comfortable,” Craig said and recalled when he first met her family back in grade nine. “I remember telling her that the first time I had dinner over there. And then I was there for dinner where he dad announced his engagement. And even though her mom gets kinda overprotective…it’s like I belong there. With them.”
“This is your first romantic relationship, right?”
Craig shot her a look, trying to read her. Was Sauvé implying that he was feeling too much here?
“She loves me,” he said and sounded like he was arguing something. But it was just sort of this huge thing that someone did.
“I’m sure she cares about you a lot,” the psychologist replied.
Ashley had taken his hand and they ducked out of the restaurant lobby that was filled with her family pulling on coats and exchanging receipts.
“Too much family for one night,” she sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my dad. But it’s like the crazy that fills my house around Christmas.”
“Your family is so awesome,” Craig gushed after going in for a quick kiss. “It reminds me of the huge Italian families you see on TV. My family is so all over the place. It’s not like this.”
“I’m glad you had fun and it wasn’t too much torture,” Ashley replied, feeling like she was choosing her words carefully. Maybe that was simply carrying over from the dinner. Family dinners always had the potential to turn sour. But it had gone smoothly; Toby had stayed out of her business and seemed content with a hand held game and the biggest surprise was how much her mother supported her dad’s decision to remarry and wasn’t even slightly upset that it was another woman.
“What about if we ever married?” Craig said with a smile. “Can you imagine trying to work everything out with your family? Like including them and stuff?”
“Married?”
Craig blushed and looked away. He couldn’t blame her for being caught off guard by that statement. But deep down all he wanted was a family. Sometimes it was like he was just thrown into Joey’s because there was no where else to go. He couldn’t help but always question Joey’s intentions.
“It’d just be cool to like…belong someplace. In a family.”
“What are you talking about? You have Joey…and Caitlin. I know they aren’t like the real thing but they are good substitutes.”
“Caitlin’s been gone so long it’s hard to remember what it was like when she was here. But whatever, everyone leaves. It’s good to be prepared. And maybe have a back up plan, a place to go…where people want me around in their family.”
“Well, I want you around.”
“They all like me right?” Craig asked sharply.
“Of course.”
“Sometimes your mom shoots me these looks. What did I do to get on Kate Kerwin’s bad side this time?”
“You know how my mom is. She worries.”
“About me?”
“She uh…knows about the birth control,” Ashley said in a hushed tone. It had seemed like a good idea at the time to mention it to her mother, especially since she was nervous about the gynecologist. It felt like a big deal to her. Her mother only added to her tension when she questioned if Ashley would know if it was the right time and if Craig really loved her. She said she knew he did, even though he’d only started saying it recently.
“Oh,” Craig finally replied to the explanation of Kate’s cool behavior towards him. He could see the hesitancy in his girlfriend again. He wasn’t sure if it was the topic of something sex related or something else. He always sensed those moments of uncertainty; she was so thoughtful and never let go. Sometimes it was good to have that around him because lately all he wanted to do was to simply let go. It wasn’t even sure what that meant to him other than it kept echoing around in him. He felt her blue eyes drawing him back. “I won’t hurt you,” he found himself reassuring, enough though he wasn’t sure what he was promising.
He didn’t tell Ms. Sauvé all the details of course. Sometimes the conversation would reach a lull as he remembered, but didn’t say it. Or he’d try to downplay certain thoughts he had. He knew that the psychologist would be all over the ideas he had about wanting his own family, even though he had one. Yeah, that was damaged Craig talking alright. Maybe he should try to back pedal, he realized.
“It’s weird how all my friends have different family situations,” Craig said, trying to explain why he was talking about the Kerwins so much.
“Ashley is right about Joey and Caitlin. They both care about you very much. Did the adoption help you to feel like you belong?” the psychologist asked, remembering the teens insecurities and abandonment fears.
Craig nodded. “I know Joey cares about me. And I think of him as a dad…type person. I mean he’s not my dad,” Craig paused, looked down, and blinked hard like that would clear away the residue of thoughts in his head. His dad was back in his head again, reminding him of how he chose Joey. Craig looked up and forced a smile on his face. “After we did the whole court thing and I was officially adopted, we went out for dinner too. It was nice of Joey to do all that.”
“How are things at Joey’s?”
“It’s good. It’s really good. I mean the whole adoption thing is final so it really feels at home,” Craig was quick to reply. Was he laying it on too thick? He meant it of course, it was home, but the tricky thing was that sometimes he had no idea where home was. “Caitlin wasn’t there though. Sometimes I can‘t remember what it was like when she was around. She sent me a video greeting for my birthday though.”
His gaze alternated between Joey’s bald head and the TV screen in front of him. The distance between them and Caitlin felt more obvious in this moment and it wasn’t the strange foreign background. He actually wasn‘t sure what country she was in at the moment and he wondered if it ever unnerved Joey how she didn‘t stay in the same place. But maybe that was just his own fears. He could only compare it to how sometimes he couldn’t remember certain details about his mother. People fade away so easily.
“Hey Craig! It’s usually a big load of it when so-called grownups give you that "these are the best years of your life" stuff, but um my wish for you Craig is that these really are. So happy birthday! Signing off from Thailand. Swatika!” Caitlin said with a little wave.
He could tell his step dad missed her and was off in his head remembering her and trying to take in what he could from her brief appearance in the video. Craig couldn’t help not feeling moved. There was a part of him that hated birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, anything that was labeled with a month, day, year. Maybe it was that he could always link it to something else from his past. It was like a domino effect. He’d go back in his head and remember all the past birthday celebrations, moving over them in his mind and he always got stuck a little on his 14th birthday. He knew the tension was building with his father. He just never thought it would go that far and the next anniversary that was imprinted in his mental calendar was his suicide attempt and moving in with Joey. Sure, it happened but that didn’t mean he wanted to think about it.
“Now we eat cake!” Angie said, interrupting his thoughts and he was grateful. He didn’t want to start to recall what anniversary he would associate with Christmas and New Years. Here he was turning a year older and his dad would forever be stuck in his forties.
Don’t think about it, he urged himself. “Hey I am the birthday person here and I’m dying to open my big present Joey.”
“Sorry Angie! Craig is right. Cake will have to wait.”
He was happy he told himself, smiled softly as he closed his eyes, and jokingly extended his arms out wide, expecting a large box. He opened his eyes and his smile faded. “A card,” he accidentally said out loud, disappointed, and heard Joey laugh in response after wishing him a happy birthday.
He wasn’t sure what to expect. But it wasn’t that. “Holy! Ten grand?! Joey! I can’t believe you did this!”
“No Craig, I…uh…didn’t,” Joey started. The check was a surprise to him as well. It wasn’t unusual to receive a monthly check from the Albert Manning estate. The guy had obviously wanted to make sure Craig was taken care of. This seemed like a little much. Albert had a way of popping in and reminding him of things he couldn’t give Craig, especially lately.
“ Wait. This is from my dad’s estate,” Craig realized.
“He specified it as a birthday gift. I guess to tide you over until your 18th, when you get your full inheritance.”
“Wow.”
Angie, fully not interested, demanded “Cake now!”
“You okay Craig?”
“Hmm? Yeah, no I’m fine,” Craig replied, still staring at the piece of paper. His father was always creeping around his life, even now. It was always a transparent thing though; he saw the concern on Joey’s face and knew the thoughts that would circle around in his own head about how he was treated and…it stuck a little…how his father died. He was like a ghost before and this check here in his hands was physical. His father just wasn’t going away.
“Just when I think my dad is gone…from my head I mean,” Craig said, assuming it would be better if he didn’t admit the moments when his father crept into his head. “He somehow finds a way to get back into my life. I got a birthday check from him. It’s weird.”
“Your father is probably always going to be a part of your life. You’ll have memories of him. You don’t have to try to remove him entirely despite any troubles you’ve had with him,“ Ms. Sauvé replied.
“I don’t know. I think the whole check thing is like what Ashley said; he’s trying to make it up to me. Which is you know, whatever,” Craig paused and stared off towards the window. His jaw was tense; he didn’t want to spit out any of his current thoughts. He glanced over at the psychologist. She was waiting for him to say something. Even though he’d been visiting her for what felt like was his whole high school career these moments of silence, moments where she was waiting, were painfully awkward. He could only compare it to digging, painful like the excavation of bad teeth; she wanted those thoughts out of his head. He wasn’t sure they were right when they said it would help if he would talk about them. “It’s like he planned everything out. I mean it’s obvious from stuff like this that he made sure everything in his will was in order.”
“It’s common for victims of suicide to finalize their will.”
“It doesn’t make it any less creepy,” Craig sighed in response. He fidgeted some before continuing. “Lately I’ve been wondering what he was like those final few months when we weren’t talking at all. I mean I hated him during that time, sometimes I still do hate him because of everything that he did…but I didn’t want him dead.”
“You don’t have to feel guilty for surviving.”
“I guess. I don’t. Not always. I know I couldn’t stay there and even if I did it probably would have ended badly either way. And I know it wasn’t my fault that he…did what he did. I mean usually I know all this. It just keeps popping up.”
“It will help to talk about it. It might feel like you are getting better by suppressing any thoughts or emotions related to how your father treated you or his death but that might not be the case. You might be giving them more power. Talking will help get it out.”
Craig didn’t want to look at her. She didn’t know how it was exhausting to stay ahead of all those thoughts and remind himself of how he was supposed to think. It was hard to get away from; those thoughts always found their way in one way or another.
He saw his father in himself sometimes. It wasn’t just when he looked in the mirror and saw similar physical features. It was how he acted. He couldn’t even get himself to admit it because it stirred something inside him so much he was sure that he would vomit. Sometimes he got so angry that his vision would almost vibrate with the force of emotion and his fists would clench. That happened just last week when he saw Ashley talking to Jimmy. She wasn’t just talking though. She was smiling, that smile, the smile that he knew and it was meant for him. He had started to ask her about it but his voice wasn’t his anymore. He could have sworn he heard his father. And he stopped speaking but couldn’t silence what was in his head. It was that pinprick of a memory again. His father questioning his mother about her whereabouts. Bitter, lengthy interrogations.
And he lost it after Ashley had left. Craig wasn’t even sure at that point what made him so angry. Sometimes he understood his father in scary moments like this. He kept it all a secret though; swept up the broken glass and threw out the broken remains of clutter from Joey’s garage. There was only Angie to distract. Her curious brown eyes and clear question “what happened to your hand?” He saw his mother in her in that moment. She liked to creep in at odd times. Mom. Dad. Angie. Joey. What a strange family he had.
He looked up at Ms. Sauvé and was sure it was all in his eyes.
“Do you think I’m like him?” Craig managed to ask while he fidgeted.
“Like who?”
He blushed, realizing how not obvious it was. “My dad. I wish I’d stop thinking about him. It’s not…like…remembering him. It’s almost like he’s just hanging around, reminding me of stuff I want to forget.”
He couldn’t help but remember his fears about his father haunting him. “I’m not as crazy as I used to be after he…died…committed suicide,” there he said it. He knew people like Sauvé appreciated when he could actually say words like that and make things real. He picked at the fabric on the chair; it was too bad they couldn’t understand how much it hurt when he said them. “I mean I don’t get all weird about the dark anymore. I was really out of it for awhile, wasn’t I?”
“There’s no right or wrong way to grieve,” Ms. Sauvé encouraged and waited a moment for Craig to respond. “Can you tell me more about how you remember your dad?”
Craig sighed a little, feeling frustrated. Joey would want him to talk about it. And he should do what his stepfather wanted, especially after what he did. His father was drifting into his head again; he could almost hear his voice reminding him about how he was choosing Joey. He hated the tugging they constantly did at him.
“I still have nightmares. It was so real. It was like he was actually in my room. He was in the shadows though so I couldn’t see if he was,” Craig paused and swallowed hard. “messed up from the…suicide. It still doesn’t even seem like a dream. But Joey was there and woke me up so I guess it was.”
“What was happening in the dream?”
“He was there reminding me of how he was my father. He’s just not going to stop.”
He could still remember the overlap of dream and reality. His father was there, he really was. He remember the suit coat and even his smell. And his voice was the same, alternating between soft as he reminded him of hockey games and family vacations and accusing as he reminded him that he was just like his mother and he left him, it wasn’t the other way around. He just sat there, wide eyed in bed. So it was a surprise when he heard himself crying and Joey’s hands were on him, shaking him awake.
“I pushed him away from me,” Craig admitted as he recited the event to Ms. Sauvé. “I mean it wasn’t really that hard but I pushed him away and I told him not to touch me because he wasn’t my father.”
“You’ve mentioned before that you feel guilty for starting to accept Joey as a father figure.”
“Yeah, I feel guilty. About a lot of things. I feel guilty because I didn’t stop him that night, because I left his house way back in grade nine. I know I couldn’t stay but,” Craig let his heavy sigh finish that thought. “And Joey. How could I say something like that after the whole adoption thing?”
“How did Joey react after you pushed him?”
“It was so…Joey,“ Craig said, softly. The sight of Joey was still fresh in his mind.
Joey’s eyes were wide with surprise and after he steadied himself, he lingered by the door frame. Craig felt the anger slowly drip out of him, heavy and slow to drain. He was angry at his father for what he did, everything he did that continued to haunt him. He hated him for that. And he hated himself for not letting it go. There was even a part of him that remembered his father telling him the details of Joey’s involvement with his mom; Joey did break up his family, there was truth in that. He couldn’t let it all go and now he had done this. He was sure Joey had to be questioning if he’d let a monster into his house. An abuser just like his dad; would he go after Angie? He wiped a tear from his eye and glanced over at his step dad.
“I’m just going to hang with you until I know you are okay,” Joey had explained.
He hated moments like this. His step dad always saw him at his worst. And here he’d gone and acted like a child and was crying in front of him again. Craig knew Joey wouldn’t hold it against him though.
“Things were normal in the morning though. They always are. Joey always burns a few waffles and Angie is cranky at breakfast and Joey never mentions the bad dreams or the things we talk about late at night. I think he wants me to talk about it all again though. Otherwise he wouldn’t want me to come in and talk to you.”
“In a lot of ways, talking helps you start to heal,” the psychologist encouraged.
“I know. I know that. But I just…it’s got to be on my terms. And I want to be normal this year. I don’t want to be the weird grade nine whose dad smacks him around or the crazy orphan whose dad killed himself. Maybe this year can finally be normal.”
“You were never abnormal before. It was stressful situations, traumatic situations, and you had normal reactions to them.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Craig agreed and didn’t care that his tone sounded doubtful. Sometimes these sessions wore him out. “I just don’t want to think about any of this. I don’t think about it. I really don’t. I spend most of my time running from it.”
“Running from it? What do you mean? What do you do?”
“I just don’t think about it,“ Craig finally replied and smiled nervously. He’d never get out of here if he confessed all that now. Pull it together Manning, he ordered himself. “My band and I played at that back to school gig.”
“You did? How did that go?“ Sauvé replied with a smile. Craig’s posture immediately relaxed, feeling that she would ease up on him.
“It went good! Really good. It was like people actually saw me as me and not just…all the crazy things that have happened in the past,” Craig said and hoped that it didn’t sound like he was arguing something or even worse, that he was lying. It had to just be how it sounded in his head. He couldn’t help but worry if they carried around the memories of his past like he did. That was what got to him before the show.
“Can I expect you to turn in your database assignment on Monday?” Simpson asked and watched the emotions softly turn over Craig’s face. His relationship with Craig was a slightly complicated one with his friendship with Craig’s stepfather and then the broken bond over being survivors of a suicide. He watched as Craig hesitated on an answer, gathering a notebook and a mess of papers. He was the last student to exit his classroom today.
Craig couldn’t help but feel slightly annoyed. For several reasons. Why did this guy have to pretend to be friendly outside of school and then get all teacher on him? And more importantly, act like he could handle his messed up personal life, act as a confidante, and then bail. “Yeah. Monday. I’m just behind on some things.”
“Everything going okay, Craig?”
“Sure, it’s going fine,” Craig was quick to reply.
“It’s a new school year, you don’t want to fall behind this early on,” Mr. Simpson warned.
“It’s like I never left. I had to take some summer classes to catch up. Because of when I missed so much school from when…” Craig trailed off and the words came out of him, full of bitterness. “Oh sorry, I know we aren’t supposed to talk about that stuff.”
Simpson had to look away when Craig referenced the conversation they had in the previous school year when he had encouraged his young student to confide in his psychologist. He hadn‘t meant for it to sound like he was brushing Craig off or that he didn‘t want to be there. But that was how the teen took it. Craig had apologized for uttering ‘screw you,’ prompted by Ms. Sauvé of course, but they both knew he didn’t fully mean it. Ever since then things had been awkward between them and he couldn’t help but feel guilty. If he could help all of his kids (he couldn’t help but think of them as his kids instead of students), he would.
“We’re still friends,” he reassured the distrustful teen and began to power down his laptop.
“Sure,” Craig agreed and avoided his teacher’s gaze despite his light hearted tone. He glanced up once and was sure his gaze was intense. It probably was similar to the look he’d shoot him at summer barbeques with the Jeremiah/Simpson/Nelson clan. Sometimes it was easier to get angry at people and cut them off before they could hurt you.
“Hey, I heard you and your band are playing at the welcome back talent show after school today,” Simpson tried.
“Yeah. It’s been awhile since we played live,” Craig stated and felt the worry rumble in his gut. He thought it would be a good push but they weren’t ready. Not with the way they all had been bickering about what direction to take the band. They had all been at each other’s throats lately, picking at each other as Craig tried harder and harder to push them so they could be ready.
“I’m sure you guys will do great. Just have fun with it.”
Like it would be any fun if they bombed. He didn’t care if his average math or science grade was a D but he did care how well he did with music and his art projects. And this gig was a way to show that he could do something right. When he was with his band, he almost felt normal. The garage was their little world and they didn’t care what crazy event had just happened outside of there. Maybe this gig was a way he could show everyone else that he was more than the guy with the crazy father. He glanced over Mr. Simpson’s face. That had to be what he saw. Did he remember all the times he fell apart in front of him?
It was coming over him fast and each thought felt like a punch. He could practically see each moment play out. He wasn’t there anymore. He was watching it all happen again; his teacher there with Joey during his suicide attempt when all his disgusting secrets of being abused came out and how he was there after his father died. Craig hated himself and wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was that all of that had actually happened. Or it could be something else that was making him angry. Maybe it was that he trusted that guy and he knew now it was utter bullshit when magazines or internet websites advised you to seek out your teacher, clergy member, or other adult to talk to. That was just crisis intervention. They only wanted to drop you off to someone else because you were too much of a mess. No one wants to be there.
“Yeah, well I gotta go. Set up before the show,” Craig quickly said and started for the door with his head down.
“Good luck,” he heard from behind him.
He couldn’t shake that feeling. Everything around him seemed to remind him of things that had happened before that and before that…and before that…
Craig felt Marco’s gaze and he looked down at his shaking hands. His fingers slipped on his guitar case as he tried to open it. “Are you okay?” he heard him ask.
“Yeah I’m fine,” Craig was quick to respond. He wiped his palms on his jeans. “Just nerves.”
“Never knew you to get nervous before a show.”
“Have you ever felt like you were just constantly running? Like you were trying to get some place, only it’s inside of you? I mean I used to think it was like actually going someplace…like back in grade nine when I wanted to take off to BC…but I don’t think it is,” Craig reflected, feeling like the walls were closing in. He was stuck…trapped.
“I’m not sure if now is the best time for a philosophical discussion,” Marco replied, his tone sounding more rushed as he picked up on Craig’s intensity.
“Yeah. Yeah,” Craig agreed and nodded rapidly. He had to get out, get it out of his head. “It makes me so tired though. Look, I’ll be right back.”
“What?” Marco proclaimed and whirled around to watch his friend rush from backstage.
“We go on in like five minutes!” Craig heard Jimmy protest. But he was out the door now.
It was strange how he was too much there but gone at the same time; it was like he was floating down the hall and the metal of his locker was harshly cold at first and then that faded too. What was going on? He was slipping, he heard a voice say in his head.
“It’s okay,” he found himself saying out loud and then glanced around the hall, embarrassed. There was no one around and he could hear the crowd growing louder in the gym. It’s fine to do this, just this once, he reassured himself and the Gatorade bottle was out of his backpack and in his hands. The first gulp burned his throat. Lately he’d been spiking it with more vodka; his booze of choice, at least in school, because no one could smell it. Or at least that’s what he chose to believe. He gulped down more as if he had just competed in a basketball game and was dying of thirst. He chose the sports drink because it had electrolytes and in theory the buzz would hit him faster. He learned that from a fellow party-goer and when his girlfriend had refused the drink, insisting you weren’t suppose to mix the two because it hits your system too hard and could be dangerous, Craig knew it was the right method. He found himself developing weird logic like that. Get up, quicker, faster, stronger.
He tucked the bottle back in his locker and popped a few mints in his mouth. Better safe than sorry. He couldn’t imagine what he’d do if they (he wasn’t even sure who they was) found out and decided this was something he shouldn’t do. It was a good plan, he reassured himself, as he bumped into Jimmy in the hallway.
“We are going on…like…now,” Jimmy snapped, his gaze firm and disapproving.
Craig swore that he never tore his eyes from him as they performed. As he exited the stage he could feel them burning into the back of his head. The smile he wore on stage was off now.
“Well, that sucked,” Craig commented. “Is it too much to ask for you to keep up with the tempo?” he accused of Marco.
“Yeah well, Jimmy threw me off when he came late in on the bridge.”
“Craig always comes in first,” Jimmy objected. He shot an angry glance over at Craig. “You weren’t sober out there were you?”
“What are you talking about?” Craig casually said looked over to see Ashley weaving her way through the crowded backstage towards them.
“Nothing. You didn’t duck out to take a few shots of that vodka I know you keep in your locker. That didn’t happen.”
“Come on…don’t,” Craig said and glanced in Ashley’s direction again. Jimmy followed his gaze.
“She doesn’t know does she? She doesn’t know what you do. Or how often you do it. And you don’t want her to,” Jimmy snapped, feeling that bitterness wash over him. He couldn’t help it but sometimes he couldn’t ignore the fact that Ashley was his ex. That made it hard to look away from the details of her and Craig’s relationship.
“I’m fine. There’s nothing to keep a secret. And you know what? She’s usually there with me at Cameron’s, drinking a few right along side me. It’s normal.”
“Yeah. You keep telling yourself that.”
Jimmy had stopped but Craig could practically hear the rest in his head. So that charisma and confidence he’d just shown off on stage, that wasn’t really him. So the looks the girls were shooting him while he sang wasn’t real either. It was just another show. Sometimes it was hard to keep a grasp on what really was genuine.
Marco snapped his guitar case closed and turned around, “We all made our share of mistakes.”
Jimmy glanced over at Craig and saw that he was doing that far away gaze again. It was like Marco to cut him slack.
“Look, whatevers in your head…just deal with it,” Jimmy stated before stalking off.
“What was that about?” Ashley asked.
“Nothing…he’s just busting my balls over starting the bridge late,” Craig reassured, feeling like he just dodged a bullet.
“We’ve just been on each others nerves lately,” Craig was quick to explain when Ms. Sauvé asked about tension between his friends. He didn’t tell her what really happened; he couldn’t. He just tried to play up how the concert went better than they expected and complained some about the direction his friends wanted to take the band. He couldn’t say this wasn’t the first time Jimmy had snapped at him; just last week he smoked a joint with Spinner before band practice and they both got a lecture how they didn’t care about the band.
“How are things with your friends when you are in school?”
“Oh we’re totally fine in school. It’s just the band. We have different tastes in music and want the band to go in different directions. It’s not like last year at all when we just got together to play,” Craig said and glanced at the clock. The hour was up, finally. “The bell is going to ring soon.”
Ms. Sauvé glanced at the clock and when her gaze returned to Craig, he was already on his feet and gathering his back pack. “You can always stop by if you need to talk.”
“Yeah, I know. But I have friends, Joey…really I’m fine now.”
“I’m here to help you with your internship process as well.”
Craig lingered by the door. “Yeah…so I’ll still be stopping in every now and then. And next year I have to start planning for university; it’s crazy.”
“I’ll be there to help you out with all of that. And anything else you need help managing.”
He felt her touch his shoulder. Out of sympathy, he assumed. He had to be on the school’s list of most troubled students, if a list like that existed. He managed to look up and give her a smile. “I’ll see you around,” he said and opened the door.
“Have a good day, Craig,” he heard her call out as he moved out into the hallway. He felt lighter now. He’d never have to talk about any of that again. It was gone, he told himself. It would be like it never happened, he could make it that way.
He moved through the students and found Ashley and Sean at Ellie’s locker. “After that, I’m starving. I want extra Shelia sauce today, let’s go eat.”
“How’d it go?” Ashley asked as the group moved down the hall towards the school’s cafeteria for lunch.
Normally Craig would make a sarcastic remark. Ashley was always interested in stuff like this and while he knew she was doing it because she cared, it still annoyed him. But not today. “Great. I graduated therapy today.”
“Oh that’s something you can graduate from? I’d like honors,” Ellie replied.
“In my case yes. This is the first time it’s not ordered my social worker or the court or whoever. It’s finally my decision,” Craig said, feeling what he only could interpret as being free.
“So you aren’t going to see her at all?” Ashley asked, hoping that she didn’t seem too encouraging.
Ellie noticed the small glance Ashley shot over at her. She refrained from rolling her eyes. Like the fact that she and Craig had been in therapy meant any sort of bond was there. Having a bit of crazy wasn’t some common interest. “Sometimes I pop in to see her from time to time. She doesn’t pressure me to do it,” Ellie offered.
“Look, I appreciate the concern or whatever…but I’m fine. Next thing I know you all are going to be using the whole ‘think of it as maintence’ persuasion that Joey uses. I’m not a car. I don’t need my oil changed or my tires rotated or my transmission fluid changed.”
“Do you even know where the transmission is?” Sean joked, wanting to relieve the tension.
“Of course I know…“ Craig mumbled. Then he spoke up, “This is why you should come by the car lot today. Birthday gift from my late father was a big fat check. Almost tore it up…then I thought about paying a visit to the music store but then I decided that I should live out the recently licensed sixteen year olds dream and land me a car.”
“Is there anything in this that benefits me?”
Craig shrugged and pushed open the doors to the cafeteria. “You want all rights to riding shotgun, minus whenever Ash is with.”
“Oh how thoughtful, Craig,” Ashley said and gave him a playful push.
“You aren’t going to be spending most of your time in the backseat?” Ellie sarcastically asked and watched her blush.
“Okay, this needs to happen,” Craig said with a grin on his face. “I just have to convince Joey. Really, it benefits him too. Money goes towards the car lot and I…we…all of us…will have a car. This year is going to be amazing.”
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Author’s Note: Sorry for the long wait, guys. I love all of you who are sticking with me as this slowly makes it’s way to the internet. The next few chapters should happen more quickly; I’m really excited to write them. Craig’s year isn’t going to be amazing at all, he’s Craig. Angst finds him. I’m drawing some off of the episodes and the next chapter is inspired by “Anywhere I Lay My Head.” There’s some Sellie and this is one of the few times I’m keeping the episode pretty much as is. I won’t be retelling it though, just tossing in some extra moments that’s going to help send Craig spiraling even more out of control. Then it will be the “Voices Carry” chapters (the school shooting is going to be addressed some way in this chapter so no worries about that being left out), which are probably going to be anything but what was in the episode. It makes me kind of sad not to have the wedding, but I think at this point it’s going to work out for the best. He’s still going to have interaction with Ashley’s family; I’ve always been interested in their dynamic. It’s just different now that he’s not a cheater; Kate will still find reasons to be weary of Craig though, don’t worry.
As for this chapter, I was just playing with ways to reference different events in Craig’s life and I hope the flow works and it wasn’t too confusing when alternating between his flashbacks and session with Ms. Sauvé.
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Ms. Sauve, Craig/Ashley, Joey, Ashley's family, Mr. "Snake" Simpson, Craig's bandmates from Downtown Sasquatch, Sean, Ellie.
Brief summary of this chapter: Craig meets up with school psychologist Ms. Sauvé for what he hopes is his final session. As usual, he has some hesitations on what he wants to reveal and what he'd rather have left unsaid.
24. Ghost in the Machine
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Author’s Note: There’s some flashback sequences in this chapter. They are in italics.
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Joey had to pick the right moment to drop the bomb. It shouldn’t be a very large bomb but sometimes dealing with his moody teenager was like navigating mines. “You have that session with Ms. Sauvé today,” Joey reminded and shifted the car into park.
Craig froze mid-action and sank back into his seat. He shot a glare at the Degrassi community school sign and then took a deep breath. “Yeah, I know. You told me to sign up for a session once school started.”
“We’re about a month into the school year.” Joey reminded, deciding to use a firm tone. He glanced at the clock. He had about five minutes to play dodge ball about the therapy session issue with Craig. If he wasn’t under so much pressure with work and home, he might be more impressed by how Craig was able to avoid discussing certain topics or use Angela as a decoy.
“This is just a one time thing right? You said that since I’m adopted…and I’m fine now…that I’d just have to go this once.”
“Yup, just this once,” Joey reassured. He hoped he was doing the right thing. If something was wrong the school psychologist would see it, right? And she’d be able to negotiate sessions better than he. “This isn’t supposed to be a punishment.”
“You’ve never had to do the whole therapy thing, you don’t know what it’s like,” Craig sighed and wished the day were over. He was fine. He was fine, he repeated silently to himself and felt that itch inside of him. Something was always off. No, he was fine.
“After your mom died, I went to a support group,” Joey offered. “It’s good to have someone to talk to you who knows what you are going through.”
Craig looked down and nodded rapidly. His mom and support groups; two subjects he wanted to avoid. He forced a smile to his step dad, “Okay. I’m sure it won’t be bad. Maybe I’ll do the whole therapy thing later. But I’m fine, really. I don’t think about…stuff…anymore.”
Joey glanced at the clock again. No time to argue about how Craig wasn’t doing anything wrong by thinking about ‘stuff.’ “Sounds like plan. So sign into your study hall and then head down to her office, okay? She’ll call home if you don’t show up, so I’ll know.”
“Yes, yes,” Craig agreed and climbed out of the car. “You know, think about how much time you’d save if you didn’t have to drive me off to school every morning.”
“No time for the I’m sixteen and am worthy of a car argument Craig. Have a good day.”
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He was surprised by how little her office had changed. There was new flyers about internships, hotlines, and schedules of school meetings on the bulletin board. That signified the new school year, but mostly it was the same. Craig had gotten to know this room well and he always sat, or sometimes sank if he was having a bad day, into the same chair. And he knew he’d be staring at the same plants and degrees from university when he wanted to avoid looking the school psychologist in the eye.
He had finally shaken his social worker Robert now if only he could cut this one loose too. It just wasn’t any of their business, he sometimes argued with himself and other times with Joey. And more often than not, it hurt more to talk about it than to keep it in. Sauvé didn’t agree with that though and he was sure he heard her describe it as poison and if he didn’t spit it out, it would slowly eat away at him. Maybe she hadn’t worded it that way, ever so serious, but it was possible.
“How are you?” Ms. Sauvé asked once Craig settled down into his seat.
“Oh I’m fine.” That always fell out of his mouth easily. He knew she would move in on him slowly with the questioning and guidance. First she would start out with the curiosity about what classes he was taking this year, then maybe it would be his friends, Joey…and finally they would get to the what weighed on his mind and heart the most, his dad. He might try to fill up the hour with discussions on what songs his band was covering and the adoption, but usually the way he remembered his father ended up slipping out of him. Sometime he felt relieved afterward but sometimes it just stirred up memories of growing up with his father and his death. It wasn’t fair that they were forcing him to think about this.
“I’m still seeing Ashley,” Craig decided to say after mentioning Downtown Sasquatch. “Sometimes it’s easier to jam with her than it with them. With Ash, it’s like we’re on the same page and everything just flows.”
“You’ve been in a relationship with her for awhile, yes?”
“It feels like forever. But it feels right. I even had dinner with her family the other night. Like her whole family, her dad and his boyfriend and her grandparents and stuff. It was kind of this huge deal…” Craig said with a sincere smile on his face and his speech sped up as he described the details.
It was like that time when he had asked Joey how to go about asking Ashley out on a date. He was wearing that same grin. It made him feel embarrassed some, but he wanted to make a good impression on Ashley’s family so he had to shed the vintage rock t-shirt and wear a dress shirt and slacks instead. He could hardly believe that she had asked him to attend dinner at an upscale restaurant with her entire family. She had looked a little flustered by his huge grin. He couldn’t help that; he felt like he belonged. That was where they wanted him to be.
He had felt awkward as Ashley introduced him to her father, his boyfriend, and other extended family members. His stomach was doing somersaults. This was serious and official; he was meeting everyone, even her grandparents. They didn’t just exist in photographs he’d seen on the living room walls and in photo albums in Ashley’s bedroom. His girlfriend had been flustered when she finally took the albums off the shelves and let him look. He was all smiles of course, looking over old snapshots taken of family vacations and a five year old Ashley cuddled up with her father by the Christmas tree. His heart sped up some; this family dinner was just another way she was letting him in. And they seemed to be okay with it.
“Ashley talks about you quite a bit,” Robert Kerwin said to Craig after everyone had settled down at the table and ordered dinner. “You are a musician too?”
“Yeah! I have a band, but Ash is totally one of my biggest inspirations. I don‘t think I‘d be that into music if it wasn‘t for her. She‘s very talented,” Craig said, maybe a bit too energetically. He felt Ashley’s hand slip into his lap and she intertwined her fingers with his.
“And that’s why you won’t let me join the band right?” Ashley joked.
“I would. If I could, you’d be in,” Craig was quick to say.
Ashley smiled back at him. “It’s the boys band, I know.”
“Yeah but Ash and I…we wrote a couple songs together last week. We just click together when we’re working. It’s not like that with the guys. Ash and I both kind of have different styles but it all comes together in the end.”
“Maybe a collaboration is in the future?” Chris encouraged, smiling at the two teens.
Craig stayed quiet during most of the dinner, listening and learning things about Ashley’s family that he didn’t know. Her family was large, taking up several large tables in the restaurant and their chatter filled the room as they caught up with each other. A blended family, Ashley had described them as in one of their first conversations about their families. That was back when he had to lie about his; rich, surgeon father who let him set up his own dark room in the basement and they lived alone after his mother died. He remembered how she had seemed a little upset about that, asking if his dad was the only person he had. And it was at the time. Then came along Joey. Their families didn’t blend like Ash’s did. He always felt like he was being tugged in all these different directions and didn’t really fit in anywhere.
Maybe he belonged here with Ashley and her family. He was genuinely happy when Robert and Chris surprised their family with news of an engagement. Craig had looked over everyone of their faces, staying on Ashley’s the longest to make sure she was alright with the announcement. He was here for this, like he belonged.
“You’re invited to the wedding too, Craig,” Ashley’s father said to him over dessert and Craig was a little stunned at first, then broke into a smile.
“It was just really nice of them to invite me to the dinner…and to the wedding. It’s like they don’t mind having me around. I don’t know if I’d want someone like me around my daughter or even around, say, Angie,” Craig admitted.
“Why would you think that they wouldn’t like you?” Ms. Sauvé questioned.
Craig shrugged and looked down at his hands. “Maybe they don’t know about my past. My dad. I don’t know how much Ash tells them. Knowing her, it’s probably a lot. So it‘s strange that they don‘t mind me dating her.”
“You aren’t a bad person because you were abused or your dad committed suicide.”
“You’d just think that they’d assume that it’d make me a little crazy…not good enough for someone like Ashley.”
“There’s more to you than the things in your past. People see more to you; the musician, the photographer, Angie’s big brother,” Ms. Sauvé reassured.
“I guess,” Craig agreed sullenly. Then he smiled a little, “Ashley’s dad is like that, I think. She’s lucky to have a guy like that around, even if she doesn’t see him that much. I think I actually mentioned to Ash that like, if we ever got married, they’d be my family too. I like that about marriage, where you are actually being accepted into something and not just placed in some guy’s house cause…”
Craig stopped, realizing that Ms. Sauvé was watching him a little more intently. He hated when he tended to ramble. He was letting his guard down and things were slipping out, things that she probably shouldn‘t know. “I mean…I don’t know what I just said. My family is just kind of weird.”
“It’s good that you feel like you are accepted by Ashley’s family, but you have one of your own too.”
“Yeah. Totally. I know that. It’s just the whole night was…really nice. Really comfortable,” Craig said and recalled when he first met her family back in grade nine. “I remember telling her that the first time I had dinner over there. And then I was there for dinner where he dad announced his engagement. And even though her mom gets kinda overprotective…it’s like I belong there. With them.”
“This is your first romantic relationship, right?”
Craig shot her a look, trying to read her. Was Sauvé implying that he was feeling too much here?
“She loves me,” he said and sounded like he was arguing something. But it was just sort of this huge thing that someone did.
“I’m sure she cares about you a lot,” the psychologist replied.
Ashley had taken his hand and they ducked out of the restaurant lobby that was filled with her family pulling on coats and exchanging receipts.
“Too much family for one night,” she sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my dad. But it’s like the crazy that fills my house around Christmas.”
“Your family is so awesome,” Craig gushed after going in for a quick kiss. “It reminds me of the huge Italian families you see on TV. My family is so all over the place. It’s not like this.”
“I’m glad you had fun and it wasn’t too much torture,” Ashley replied, feeling like she was choosing her words carefully. Maybe that was simply carrying over from the dinner. Family dinners always had the potential to turn sour. But it had gone smoothly; Toby had stayed out of her business and seemed content with a hand held game and the biggest surprise was how much her mother supported her dad’s decision to remarry and wasn’t even slightly upset that it was another woman.
“What about if we ever married?” Craig said with a smile. “Can you imagine trying to work everything out with your family? Like including them and stuff?”
“Married?”
Craig blushed and looked away. He couldn’t blame her for being caught off guard by that statement. But deep down all he wanted was a family. Sometimes it was like he was just thrown into Joey’s because there was no where else to go. He couldn’t help but always question Joey’s intentions.
“It’d just be cool to like…belong someplace. In a family.”
“What are you talking about? You have Joey…and Caitlin. I know they aren’t like the real thing but they are good substitutes.”
“Caitlin’s been gone so long it’s hard to remember what it was like when she was here. But whatever, everyone leaves. It’s good to be prepared. And maybe have a back up plan, a place to go…where people want me around in their family.”
“Well, I want you around.”
“They all like me right?” Craig asked sharply.
“Of course.”
“Sometimes your mom shoots me these looks. What did I do to get on Kate Kerwin’s bad side this time?”
“You know how my mom is. She worries.”
“About me?”
“She uh…knows about the birth control,” Ashley said in a hushed tone. It had seemed like a good idea at the time to mention it to her mother, especially since she was nervous about the gynecologist. It felt like a big deal to her. Her mother only added to her tension when she questioned if Ashley would know if it was the right time and if Craig really loved her. She said she knew he did, even though he’d only started saying it recently.
“Oh,” Craig finally replied to the explanation of Kate’s cool behavior towards him. He could see the hesitancy in his girlfriend again. He wasn’t sure if it was the topic of something sex related or something else. He always sensed those moments of uncertainty; she was so thoughtful and never let go. Sometimes it was good to have that around him because lately all he wanted to do was to simply let go. It wasn’t even sure what that meant to him other than it kept echoing around in him. He felt her blue eyes drawing him back. “I won’t hurt you,” he found himself reassuring, enough though he wasn’t sure what he was promising.
He didn’t tell Ms. Sauvé all the details of course. Sometimes the conversation would reach a lull as he remembered, but didn’t say it. Or he’d try to downplay certain thoughts he had. He knew that the psychologist would be all over the ideas he had about wanting his own family, even though he had one. Yeah, that was damaged Craig talking alright. Maybe he should try to back pedal, he realized.
“It’s weird how all my friends have different family situations,” Craig said, trying to explain why he was talking about the Kerwins so much.
“Ashley is right about Joey and Caitlin. They both care about you very much. Did the adoption help you to feel like you belong?” the psychologist asked, remembering the teens insecurities and abandonment fears.
Craig nodded. “I know Joey cares about me. And I think of him as a dad…type person. I mean he’s not my dad,” Craig paused, looked down, and blinked hard like that would clear away the residue of thoughts in his head. His dad was back in his head again, reminding him of how he chose Joey. Craig looked up and forced a smile on his face. “After we did the whole court thing and I was officially adopted, we went out for dinner too. It was nice of Joey to do all that.”
“How are things at Joey’s?”
“It’s good. It’s really good. I mean the whole adoption thing is final so it really feels at home,” Craig was quick to reply. Was he laying it on too thick? He meant it of course, it was home, but the tricky thing was that sometimes he had no idea where home was. “Caitlin wasn’t there though. Sometimes I can‘t remember what it was like when she was around. She sent me a video greeting for my birthday though.”
His gaze alternated between Joey’s bald head and the TV screen in front of him. The distance between them and Caitlin felt more obvious in this moment and it wasn’t the strange foreign background. He actually wasn‘t sure what country she was in at the moment and he wondered if it ever unnerved Joey how she didn‘t stay in the same place. But maybe that was just his own fears. He could only compare it to how sometimes he couldn’t remember certain details about his mother. People fade away so easily.
“Hey Craig! It’s usually a big load of it when so-called grownups give you that "these are the best years of your life" stuff, but um my wish for you Craig is that these really are. So happy birthday! Signing off from Thailand. Swatika!” Caitlin said with a little wave.
He could tell his step dad missed her and was off in his head remembering her and trying to take in what he could from her brief appearance in the video. Craig couldn’t help not feeling moved. There was a part of him that hated birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, anything that was labeled with a month, day, year. Maybe it was that he could always link it to something else from his past. It was like a domino effect. He’d go back in his head and remember all the past birthday celebrations, moving over them in his mind and he always got stuck a little on his 14th birthday. He knew the tension was building with his father. He just never thought it would go that far and the next anniversary that was imprinted in his mental calendar was his suicide attempt and moving in with Joey. Sure, it happened but that didn’t mean he wanted to think about it.
“Now we eat cake!” Angie said, interrupting his thoughts and he was grateful. He didn’t want to start to recall what anniversary he would associate with Christmas and New Years. Here he was turning a year older and his dad would forever be stuck in his forties.
Don’t think about it, he urged himself. “Hey I am the birthday person here and I’m dying to open my big present Joey.”
“Sorry Angie! Craig is right. Cake will have to wait.”
He was happy he told himself, smiled softly as he closed his eyes, and jokingly extended his arms out wide, expecting a large box. He opened his eyes and his smile faded. “A card,” he accidentally said out loud, disappointed, and heard Joey laugh in response after wishing him a happy birthday.
He wasn’t sure what to expect. But it wasn’t that. “Holy! Ten grand?! Joey! I can’t believe you did this!”
“No Craig, I…uh…didn’t,” Joey started. The check was a surprise to him as well. It wasn’t unusual to receive a monthly check from the Albert Manning estate. The guy had obviously wanted to make sure Craig was taken care of. This seemed like a little much. Albert had a way of popping in and reminding him of things he couldn’t give Craig, especially lately.
“ Wait. This is from my dad’s estate,” Craig realized.
“He specified it as a birthday gift. I guess to tide you over until your 18th, when you get your full inheritance.”
“Wow.”
Angie, fully not interested, demanded “Cake now!”
“You okay Craig?”
“Hmm? Yeah, no I’m fine,” Craig replied, still staring at the piece of paper. His father was always creeping around his life, even now. It was always a transparent thing though; he saw the concern on Joey’s face and knew the thoughts that would circle around in his own head about how he was treated and…it stuck a little…how his father died. He was like a ghost before and this check here in his hands was physical. His father just wasn’t going away.
“Just when I think my dad is gone…from my head I mean,” Craig said, assuming it would be better if he didn’t admit the moments when his father crept into his head. “He somehow finds a way to get back into my life. I got a birthday check from him. It’s weird.”
“Your father is probably always going to be a part of your life. You’ll have memories of him. You don’t have to try to remove him entirely despite any troubles you’ve had with him,“ Ms. Sauvé replied.
“I don’t know. I think the whole check thing is like what Ashley said; he’s trying to make it up to me. Which is you know, whatever,” Craig paused and stared off towards the window. His jaw was tense; he didn’t want to spit out any of his current thoughts. He glanced over at the psychologist. She was waiting for him to say something. Even though he’d been visiting her for what felt like was his whole high school career these moments of silence, moments where she was waiting, were painfully awkward. He could only compare it to digging, painful like the excavation of bad teeth; she wanted those thoughts out of his head. He wasn’t sure they were right when they said it would help if he would talk about them. “It’s like he planned everything out. I mean it’s obvious from stuff like this that he made sure everything in his will was in order.”
“It’s common for victims of suicide to finalize their will.”
“It doesn’t make it any less creepy,” Craig sighed in response. He fidgeted some before continuing. “Lately I’ve been wondering what he was like those final few months when we weren’t talking at all. I mean I hated him during that time, sometimes I still do hate him because of everything that he did…but I didn’t want him dead.”
“You don’t have to feel guilty for surviving.”
“I guess. I don’t. Not always. I know I couldn’t stay there and even if I did it probably would have ended badly either way. And I know it wasn’t my fault that he…did what he did. I mean usually I know all this. It just keeps popping up.”
“It will help to talk about it. It might feel like you are getting better by suppressing any thoughts or emotions related to how your father treated you or his death but that might not be the case. You might be giving them more power. Talking will help get it out.”
Craig didn’t want to look at her. She didn’t know how it was exhausting to stay ahead of all those thoughts and remind himself of how he was supposed to think. It was hard to get away from; those thoughts always found their way in one way or another.
He saw his father in himself sometimes. It wasn’t just when he looked in the mirror and saw similar physical features. It was how he acted. He couldn’t even get himself to admit it because it stirred something inside him so much he was sure that he would vomit. Sometimes he got so angry that his vision would almost vibrate with the force of emotion and his fists would clench. That happened just last week when he saw Ashley talking to Jimmy. She wasn’t just talking though. She was smiling, that smile, the smile that he knew and it was meant for him. He had started to ask her about it but his voice wasn’t his anymore. He could have sworn he heard his father. And he stopped speaking but couldn’t silence what was in his head. It was that pinprick of a memory again. His father questioning his mother about her whereabouts. Bitter, lengthy interrogations.
And he lost it after Ashley had left. Craig wasn’t even sure at that point what made him so angry. Sometimes he understood his father in scary moments like this. He kept it all a secret though; swept up the broken glass and threw out the broken remains of clutter from Joey’s garage. There was only Angie to distract. Her curious brown eyes and clear question “what happened to your hand?” He saw his mother in her in that moment. She liked to creep in at odd times. Mom. Dad. Angie. Joey. What a strange family he had.
He looked up at Ms. Sauvé and was sure it was all in his eyes.
“Do you think I’m like him?” Craig managed to ask while he fidgeted.
“Like who?”
He blushed, realizing how not obvious it was. “My dad. I wish I’d stop thinking about him. It’s not…like…remembering him. It’s almost like he’s just hanging around, reminding me of stuff I want to forget.”
He couldn’t help but remember his fears about his father haunting him. “I’m not as crazy as I used to be after he…died…committed suicide,” there he said it. He knew people like Sauvé appreciated when he could actually say words like that and make things real. He picked at the fabric on the chair; it was too bad they couldn’t understand how much it hurt when he said them. “I mean I don’t get all weird about the dark anymore. I was really out of it for awhile, wasn’t I?”
“There’s no right or wrong way to grieve,” Ms. Sauvé encouraged and waited a moment for Craig to respond. “Can you tell me more about how you remember your dad?”
Craig sighed a little, feeling frustrated. Joey would want him to talk about it. And he should do what his stepfather wanted, especially after what he did. His father was drifting into his head again; he could almost hear his voice reminding him about how he was choosing Joey. He hated the tugging they constantly did at him.
“I still have nightmares. It was so real. It was like he was actually in my room. He was in the shadows though so I couldn’t see if he was,” Craig paused and swallowed hard. “messed up from the…suicide. It still doesn’t even seem like a dream. But Joey was there and woke me up so I guess it was.”
“What was happening in the dream?”
“He was there reminding me of how he was my father. He’s just not going to stop.”
He could still remember the overlap of dream and reality. His father was there, he really was. He remember the suit coat and even his smell. And his voice was the same, alternating between soft as he reminded him of hockey games and family vacations and accusing as he reminded him that he was just like his mother and he left him, it wasn’t the other way around. He just sat there, wide eyed in bed. So it was a surprise when he heard himself crying and Joey’s hands were on him, shaking him awake.
“I pushed him away from me,” Craig admitted as he recited the event to Ms. Sauvé. “I mean it wasn’t really that hard but I pushed him away and I told him not to touch me because he wasn’t my father.”
“You’ve mentioned before that you feel guilty for starting to accept Joey as a father figure.”
“Yeah, I feel guilty. About a lot of things. I feel guilty because I didn’t stop him that night, because I left his house way back in grade nine. I know I couldn’t stay but,” Craig let his heavy sigh finish that thought. “And Joey. How could I say something like that after the whole adoption thing?”
“How did Joey react after you pushed him?”
“It was so…Joey,“ Craig said, softly. The sight of Joey was still fresh in his mind.
Joey’s eyes were wide with surprise and after he steadied himself, he lingered by the door frame. Craig felt the anger slowly drip out of him, heavy and slow to drain. He was angry at his father for what he did, everything he did that continued to haunt him. He hated him for that. And he hated himself for not letting it go. There was even a part of him that remembered his father telling him the details of Joey’s involvement with his mom; Joey did break up his family, there was truth in that. He couldn’t let it all go and now he had done this. He was sure Joey had to be questioning if he’d let a monster into his house. An abuser just like his dad; would he go after Angie? He wiped a tear from his eye and glanced over at his step dad.
“I’m just going to hang with you until I know you are okay,” Joey had explained.
He hated moments like this. His step dad always saw him at his worst. And here he’d gone and acted like a child and was crying in front of him again. Craig knew Joey wouldn’t hold it against him though.
“Things were normal in the morning though. They always are. Joey always burns a few waffles and Angie is cranky at breakfast and Joey never mentions the bad dreams or the things we talk about late at night. I think he wants me to talk about it all again though. Otherwise he wouldn’t want me to come in and talk to you.”
“In a lot of ways, talking helps you start to heal,” the psychologist encouraged.
“I know. I know that. But I just…it’s got to be on my terms. And I want to be normal this year. I don’t want to be the weird grade nine whose dad smacks him around or the crazy orphan whose dad killed himself. Maybe this year can finally be normal.”
“You were never abnormal before. It was stressful situations, traumatic situations, and you had normal reactions to them.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Craig agreed and didn’t care that his tone sounded doubtful. Sometimes these sessions wore him out. “I just don’t want to think about any of this. I don’t think about it. I really don’t. I spend most of my time running from it.”
“Running from it? What do you mean? What do you do?”
“I just don’t think about it,“ Craig finally replied and smiled nervously. He’d never get out of here if he confessed all that now. Pull it together Manning, he ordered himself. “My band and I played at that back to school gig.”
“You did? How did that go?“ Sauvé replied with a smile. Craig’s posture immediately relaxed, feeling that she would ease up on him.
“It went good! Really good. It was like people actually saw me as me and not just…all the crazy things that have happened in the past,” Craig said and hoped that it didn’t sound like he was arguing something or even worse, that he was lying. It had to just be how it sounded in his head. He couldn’t help but worry if they carried around the memories of his past like he did. That was what got to him before the show.
“Can I expect you to turn in your database assignment on Monday?” Simpson asked and watched the emotions softly turn over Craig’s face. His relationship with Craig was a slightly complicated one with his friendship with Craig’s stepfather and then the broken bond over being survivors of a suicide. He watched as Craig hesitated on an answer, gathering a notebook and a mess of papers. He was the last student to exit his classroom today.
Craig couldn’t help but feel slightly annoyed. For several reasons. Why did this guy have to pretend to be friendly outside of school and then get all teacher on him? And more importantly, act like he could handle his messed up personal life, act as a confidante, and then bail. “Yeah. Monday. I’m just behind on some things.”
“Everything going okay, Craig?”
“Sure, it’s going fine,” Craig was quick to reply.
“It’s a new school year, you don’t want to fall behind this early on,” Mr. Simpson warned.
“It’s like I never left. I had to take some summer classes to catch up. Because of when I missed so much school from when…” Craig trailed off and the words came out of him, full of bitterness. “Oh sorry, I know we aren’t supposed to talk about that stuff.”
Simpson had to look away when Craig referenced the conversation they had in the previous school year when he had encouraged his young student to confide in his psychologist. He hadn‘t meant for it to sound like he was brushing Craig off or that he didn‘t want to be there. But that was how the teen took it. Craig had apologized for uttering ‘screw you,’ prompted by Ms. Sauvé of course, but they both knew he didn’t fully mean it. Ever since then things had been awkward between them and he couldn’t help but feel guilty. If he could help all of his kids (he couldn’t help but think of them as his kids instead of students), he would.
“We’re still friends,” he reassured the distrustful teen and began to power down his laptop.
“Sure,” Craig agreed and avoided his teacher’s gaze despite his light hearted tone. He glanced up once and was sure his gaze was intense. It probably was similar to the look he’d shoot him at summer barbeques with the Jeremiah/Simpson/Nelson clan. Sometimes it was easier to get angry at people and cut them off before they could hurt you.
“Hey, I heard you and your band are playing at the welcome back talent show after school today,” Simpson tried.
“Yeah. It’s been awhile since we played live,” Craig stated and felt the worry rumble in his gut. He thought it would be a good push but they weren’t ready. Not with the way they all had been bickering about what direction to take the band. They had all been at each other’s throats lately, picking at each other as Craig tried harder and harder to push them so they could be ready.
“I’m sure you guys will do great. Just have fun with it.”
Like it would be any fun if they bombed. He didn’t care if his average math or science grade was a D but he did care how well he did with music and his art projects. And this gig was a way to show that he could do something right. When he was with his band, he almost felt normal. The garage was their little world and they didn’t care what crazy event had just happened outside of there. Maybe this gig was a way he could show everyone else that he was more than the guy with the crazy father. He glanced over Mr. Simpson’s face. That had to be what he saw. Did he remember all the times he fell apart in front of him?
It was coming over him fast and each thought felt like a punch. He could practically see each moment play out. He wasn’t there anymore. He was watching it all happen again; his teacher there with Joey during his suicide attempt when all his disgusting secrets of being abused came out and how he was there after his father died. Craig hated himself and wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was that all of that had actually happened. Or it could be something else that was making him angry. Maybe it was that he trusted that guy and he knew now it was utter bullshit when magazines or internet websites advised you to seek out your teacher, clergy member, or other adult to talk to. That was just crisis intervention. They only wanted to drop you off to someone else because you were too much of a mess. No one wants to be there.
“Yeah, well I gotta go. Set up before the show,” Craig quickly said and started for the door with his head down.
“Good luck,” he heard from behind him.
He couldn’t shake that feeling. Everything around him seemed to remind him of things that had happened before that and before that…and before that…
Craig felt Marco’s gaze and he looked down at his shaking hands. His fingers slipped on his guitar case as he tried to open it. “Are you okay?” he heard him ask.
“Yeah I’m fine,” Craig was quick to respond. He wiped his palms on his jeans. “Just nerves.”
“Never knew you to get nervous before a show.”
“Have you ever felt like you were just constantly running? Like you were trying to get some place, only it’s inside of you? I mean I used to think it was like actually going someplace…like back in grade nine when I wanted to take off to BC…but I don’t think it is,” Craig reflected, feeling like the walls were closing in. He was stuck…trapped.
“I’m not sure if now is the best time for a philosophical discussion,” Marco replied, his tone sounding more rushed as he picked up on Craig’s intensity.
“Yeah. Yeah,” Craig agreed and nodded rapidly. He had to get out, get it out of his head. “It makes me so tired though. Look, I’ll be right back.”
“What?” Marco proclaimed and whirled around to watch his friend rush from backstage.
“We go on in like five minutes!” Craig heard Jimmy protest. But he was out the door now.
It was strange how he was too much there but gone at the same time; it was like he was floating down the hall and the metal of his locker was harshly cold at first and then that faded too. What was going on? He was slipping, he heard a voice say in his head.
“It’s okay,” he found himself saying out loud and then glanced around the hall, embarrassed. There was no one around and he could hear the crowd growing louder in the gym. It’s fine to do this, just this once, he reassured himself and the Gatorade bottle was out of his backpack and in his hands. The first gulp burned his throat. Lately he’d been spiking it with more vodka; his booze of choice, at least in school, because no one could smell it. Or at least that’s what he chose to believe. He gulped down more as if he had just competed in a basketball game and was dying of thirst. He chose the sports drink because it had electrolytes and in theory the buzz would hit him faster. He learned that from a fellow party-goer and when his girlfriend had refused the drink, insisting you weren’t suppose to mix the two because it hits your system too hard and could be dangerous, Craig knew it was the right method. He found himself developing weird logic like that. Get up, quicker, faster, stronger.
He tucked the bottle back in his locker and popped a few mints in his mouth. Better safe than sorry. He couldn’t imagine what he’d do if they (he wasn’t even sure who they was) found out and decided this was something he shouldn’t do. It was a good plan, he reassured himself, as he bumped into Jimmy in the hallway.
“We are going on…like…now,” Jimmy snapped, his gaze firm and disapproving.
Craig swore that he never tore his eyes from him as they performed. As he exited the stage he could feel them burning into the back of his head. The smile he wore on stage was off now.
“Well, that sucked,” Craig commented. “Is it too much to ask for you to keep up with the tempo?” he accused of Marco.
“Yeah well, Jimmy threw me off when he came late in on the bridge.”
“Craig always comes in first,” Jimmy objected. He shot an angry glance over at Craig. “You weren’t sober out there were you?”
“What are you talking about?” Craig casually said looked over to see Ashley weaving her way through the crowded backstage towards them.
“Nothing. You didn’t duck out to take a few shots of that vodka I know you keep in your locker. That didn’t happen.”
“Come on…don’t,” Craig said and glanced in Ashley’s direction again. Jimmy followed his gaze.
“She doesn’t know does she? She doesn’t know what you do. Or how often you do it. And you don’t want her to,” Jimmy snapped, feeling that bitterness wash over him. He couldn’t help it but sometimes he couldn’t ignore the fact that Ashley was his ex. That made it hard to look away from the details of her and Craig’s relationship.
“I’m fine. There’s nothing to keep a secret. And you know what? She’s usually there with me at Cameron’s, drinking a few right along side me. It’s normal.”
“Yeah. You keep telling yourself that.”
Jimmy had stopped but Craig could practically hear the rest in his head. So that charisma and confidence he’d just shown off on stage, that wasn’t really him. So the looks the girls were shooting him while he sang wasn’t real either. It was just another show. Sometimes it was hard to keep a grasp on what really was genuine.
Marco snapped his guitar case closed and turned around, “We all made our share of mistakes.”
Jimmy glanced over at Craig and saw that he was doing that far away gaze again. It was like Marco to cut him slack.
“Look, whatevers in your head…just deal with it,” Jimmy stated before stalking off.
“What was that about?” Ashley asked.
“Nothing…he’s just busting my balls over starting the bridge late,” Craig reassured, feeling like he just dodged a bullet.
“We’ve just been on each others nerves lately,” Craig was quick to explain when Ms. Sauvé asked about tension between his friends. He didn’t tell her what really happened; he couldn’t. He just tried to play up how the concert went better than they expected and complained some about the direction his friends wanted to take the band. He couldn’t say this wasn’t the first time Jimmy had snapped at him; just last week he smoked a joint with Spinner before band practice and they both got a lecture how they didn’t care about the band.
“How are things with your friends when you are in school?”
“Oh we’re totally fine in school. It’s just the band. We have different tastes in music and want the band to go in different directions. It’s not like last year at all when we just got together to play,” Craig said and glanced at the clock. The hour was up, finally. “The bell is going to ring soon.”
Ms. Sauvé glanced at the clock and when her gaze returned to Craig, he was already on his feet and gathering his back pack. “You can always stop by if you need to talk.”
“Yeah, I know. But I have friends, Joey…really I’m fine now.”
“I’m here to help you with your internship process as well.”
Craig lingered by the door. “Yeah…so I’ll still be stopping in every now and then. And next year I have to start planning for university; it’s crazy.”
“I’ll be there to help you out with all of that. And anything else you need help managing.”
He felt her touch his shoulder. Out of sympathy, he assumed. He had to be on the school’s list of most troubled students, if a list like that existed. He managed to look up and give her a smile. “I’ll see you around,” he said and opened the door.
“Have a good day, Craig,” he heard her call out as he moved out into the hallway. He felt lighter now. He’d never have to talk about any of that again. It was gone, he told himself. It would be like it never happened, he could make it that way.
He moved through the students and found Ashley and Sean at Ellie’s locker. “After that, I’m starving. I want extra Shelia sauce today, let’s go eat.”
“How’d it go?” Ashley asked as the group moved down the hall towards the school’s cafeteria for lunch.
Normally Craig would make a sarcastic remark. Ashley was always interested in stuff like this and while he knew she was doing it because she cared, it still annoyed him. But not today. “Great. I graduated therapy today.”
“Oh that’s something you can graduate from? I’d like honors,” Ellie replied.
“In my case yes. This is the first time it’s not ordered my social worker or the court or whoever. It’s finally my decision,” Craig said, feeling what he only could interpret as being free.
“So you aren’t going to see her at all?” Ashley asked, hoping that she didn’t seem too encouraging.
Ellie noticed the small glance Ashley shot over at her. She refrained from rolling her eyes. Like the fact that she and Craig had been in therapy meant any sort of bond was there. Having a bit of crazy wasn’t some common interest. “Sometimes I pop in to see her from time to time. She doesn’t pressure me to do it,” Ellie offered.
“Look, I appreciate the concern or whatever…but I’m fine. Next thing I know you all are going to be using the whole ‘think of it as maintence’ persuasion that Joey uses. I’m not a car. I don’t need my oil changed or my tires rotated or my transmission fluid changed.”
“Do you even know where the transmission is?” Sean joked, wanting to relieve the tension.
“Of course I know…“ Craig mumbled. Then he spoke up, “This is why you should come by the car lot today. Birthday gift from my late father was a big fat check. Almost tore it up…then I thought about paying a visit to the music store but then I decided that I should live out the recently licensed sixteen year olds dream and land me a car.”
“Is there anything in this that benefits me?”
Craig shrugged and pushed open the doors to the cafeteria. “You want all rights to riding shotgun, minus whenever Ash is with.”
“Oh how thoughtful, Craig,” Ashley said and gave him a playful push.
“You aren’t going to be spending most of your time in the backseat?” Ellie sarcastically asked and watched her blush.
“Okay, this needs to happen,” Craig said with a grin on his face. “I just have to convince Joey. Really, it benefits him too. Money goes towards the car lot and I…we…all of us…will have a car. This year is going to be amazing.”
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Author’s Note: Sorry for the long wait, guys. I love all of you who are sticking with me as this slowly makes it’s way to the internet. The next few chapters should happen more quickly; I’m really excited to write them. Craig’s year isn’t going to be amazing at all, he’s Craig. Angst finds him. I’m drawing some off of the episodes and the next chapter is inspired by “Anywhere I Lay My Head.” There’s some Sellie and this is one of the few times I’m keeping the episode pretty much as is. I won’t be retelling it though, just tossing in some extra moments that’s going to help send Craig spiraling even more out of control. Then it will be the “Voices Carry” chapters (the school shooting is going to be addressed some way in this chapter so no worries about that being left out), which are probably going to be anything but what was in the episode. It makes me kind of sad not to have the wedding, but I think at this point it’s going to work out for the best. He’s still going to have interaction with Ashley’s family; I’ve always been interested in their dynamic. It’s just different now that he’s not a cheater; Kate will still find reasons to be weary of Craig though, don’t worry.
As for this chapter, I was just playing with ways to reference different events in Craig’s life and I hope the flow works and it wasn’t too confusing when alternating between his flashbacks and session with Ms. Sauvé.