What Was Left Unsaid: Comfortably Numb
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Siblings Craig and Angie. Friendships Craig/Ellie, Craig/Sean, Ashley/Craig/Ellie/Sean. Pairings: Ellie/Sean.
Brief summary of this chapter: Craig's branching out of his friendships with Ashley, Ellie, and Sean and choosing a bit faster crowd. They are still there to try to bail him out of potential trouble.
25. Comfortably Numb
It came over him soft and heavy, almost like sleep and suddenly the shopping mall was like something he’d only seen in a dream. It was surreal but so right. Craig looked around the toy department; there was the little girl crying for a new Barbie, an older sister handing a teddy bear to her younger one, and the frantic mother of four that was urging her young that now was time to go home. They didn’t bother them and in a way, in that way that you only feel when you are this up, he loved that they were sharing this moment. He looked down at Angie and smiled; the past was gone and it was just this moment.
This might have been their fifth trip back to the toy section, Craig couldn’t be sure. He just let Angie take his hand and lead him around the store. He would prompt her with questions about the merchandise they saw and Angie giggled at him when he couldn’t help but occasionally ramble a bit; things were rolling around in his head weightless and he couldn’t help but let him drift out his mouth that never closed all the way. Today felt like it was in bits and pieces.
How’d he end up here, Craig wondered.
Ashley was in Montreal for the weekend and a part of him was relieved. He couldn’t take her to a party like this, not after she found a stash in his locker. At first he had to reassure himself that she wasn’t snooping, didn’t want to catch him in the act (he didn’t know where this guilt was coming from), and had only made the discovery because they were that comfortable around each other that it wasn’t unusual for them to poke around in each other’s belongings. He had quietly reassured her that lots of kids took them and no one has had problems so far. Since then, Ash had been emailing him websites on a variety of pills; what they looked like, how many milligrams was in what colored tablet, and what he shouldn’t mix it with. How very Ashley of her to research drugs. He first found it sort of endearing but lately worried that she was taking too much of an interest in what he was doing.
He told Sean and Ellie the band was practicing. They had almost seemed eager that the group wouldn‘t be getting together on a Friday night. Since the two had moved into Sean‘s apartment together, they had been in some weird newlywed mode. So there was no need to lie, but Craig couldn’t help but lie out of habit lately. Sean’s parties had been growing tamer since Mr. Eyl had threatened Sean’s student welfare last year and Ellie’s mother’s drinking had reached a new height. He didn’t know what they would think about this.
Craig found it almost amusing to compare the get togethers at Luke’s were to the ones that used to happen at Sean’s. At Sean’s it was usually only beer and cheap liquor. There was more options at Luke’s parties, many more options. Craig wondered how Luke got away with the petty drug dealing and house parties when it parents were out of town. It was kind of awkward, for several reasons, when he actually met his new friend’s parents; both high ups on some well known business chains. It was sort of obvious they looked the other way, content with his buddy’s mediocre grades. They were nice to Craig though, taking interest in him. He had shifted uncomfortably when Luke’s father seemed stuck on Craig’s last name, like he knew him from somewhere. Albert Manning, he finally realized, snapping his fingers. They met at some convention or luncheon lecture. Small world. Craig had to deliver the news that his dad passed away and that night had crushed several muscle relaxers and mixed them into his drink.
Craig looked down at the pills being pushed across the coffee table, divided into uppers, downers, and by strength. That was what was common at Luke’s. The kids he met there would hand over an assortment of pills swiped from the medicine cabinets at home. The last time Craig brought muscle relaxers from when Joey threw out his back. Beers were being cracked, pills popped, and a few tucked cash back into their pockets. And it was only the afternoon. He wasn’t sure why he decided to take the strongest dose of Oxy he’d ever taken, minus the overdose incident at the beginning of his grade 9 year. But this was different. It was intentional…no, unintentional. It wasn’t worth silently fussing over, he decided. It was easy not to hesitate with this crowd; they kind of prided themselves on that attitude.
He swore that he felt the high right away, but quickly realized it was just the anticipation of it. So he settled back on the couch in Luke’s basement. He flipped the channel to a music channel and felt the bass through the floor. He felt the couch cushions shift as someone sat beside him and he looked over in time to see Evie take another shot of liquor.
“I like you. I appreciate the fact that you aren’t a mooch,” Craig said, noticing that this girl always brought her own alcohol and it was a higher up brand.
“You’ll drink the cheapest booze out there,” Evie said, shaking her head. She wasn‘t always careful about how much she drank, but she watched what kind she put into her body. It made sense to her. “You are like a garbage can.”
“It gets the job done. That’s all that matters.”
“I can appreciate that. But I’m a firm believer that life is too short for cheap liquor.”
“I don’t get how you have the cash to drink like you do,” Craig observed. “Or how you can party like that, then go to homeroom, finish your homework, and get an A at it.”
“Practice makes perfect. And I’m flattered you noticed.”
He did notice the kids at these parties in school, who went to class and who had what lunch period. He kind of had to shuffle them around with crowds he hung out with. There was people like Jimmy the jock and Marco the school student body president who wouldn’t know where parties like this happened. Sometimes he found himself making rules like who’s phone call he could take drunk or high and who was best to avoid.
“Shit. Shit,” Craig mumbled, hesitating on taking the call. He cleared his throat and reassured himself that he was still 100% sober. “Hey Joey. What’s up?”
“Craig, you were supposed to pick Angie up from daycare and take her to the mall to pick up new shoes, remember? We made a deal about the car. You said you’d help out more and in return you’d get more freedom,” Joey reminded over the cell phone.
“Joey, can’t it wait until tomorrow? I’ll make a day out of it for her,” Craig tried and watched as two more teenagers wandered downstairs, beers in hand. “I’m at Sean’s right now, I thought I told you I was spending the night.”
Joey sighed at that. He heard the music in the background and reflected on the phone call with Caitlin recently. He told her about the car and how Craig was missing curfew more and more frequently. His girlfriend thought he wasn’t cracking down enough. Sometimes he thought he didn’t have that right because he wasn’t Craig’s birth father. He was the stepfather. No, he was the dad, Joey reminded himself. He decided to pick this moment not to budge.
Craig had agreed, sighed, and clicked off the phone. “I have to go. Family.”
He could do this. They were all used to functioning on their cocktail of pills. Sometimes Craig thought it made things easier; the words for an English essay flowed out of him because he didn’t have that
self-doubt, he was relaxed enough to sleep at night, and the details of life softened. So he was surprised when they all questioned if he was okay to drive.
“You’ll be rolling pretty hard,” Luke warned.
“I just took it. It shouldn’t hit me until later. Full stomach,” Craig reasoned. He could do this, he had to. Pick up Angie and head home and figure something out from there. Hell, the kid would probably be great company while he was high.
Craig looked down to see if he was still holding Angela’s hand and saw that he was clutching a shopping bag that contained a small pink shoe box. His other hand was empty.
“What?” he mumbled to himself and glanced around the department store. Craig had to steady himself for a moment and turned his head away from another shopper’s curious gaze. He moved slowly through the aisles, trying to focus on locating Angie and less on how the details of clothing, toys, and electronics. It was swallowing him.
“Angie!” Craig called out down the Barbie aisle. He felt something swell inside him. She was here, wasn’t she? Craig pressed his fingertips to his forehead. Remember. Of course she was, Craig reassured himself and tried to ignore the fact that this all seemed like a dream. It felt that way because of the painkillers, he reminded himself, and being high on them always put him in a sort of daydream. He was in control here. Craig looked down at his side and saw that both hands were empty. That reminded him of the task at hand.
“Angie!” Craig tried again, this time in the aisle with the stuffed animals. If she wasn’t in the toy section where would she be? “What did I do?”
Cell phone, cell phone, Craig reminded himself as he patted over his jean pockets. He felt his car keys through the denim. No way he was driving home. But he couldn’t even focus on that issue right now, he needed to find Angie and he didn’t think he could even handle that one. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and leaned up against a shelf of bath towels. Craig scrolled through the list of contacts and debated on each one. As he tapped on the phone keys, Craig realized that his fingers felt like they were soft and boneless. Like they were made of blood, he heard in his head, and his palms began to sweat.
Calling Sean Cameron, the cell phone screen said and Craig brought the phone up to his ear. The party was probably heating up so they were out. This was his best bet. Sean would call him a dumb ass but he’d bail him out like he had before. Craig was surprised to hear a female voice and it took him a moment to recognize it.
“Ellie?” Craig questioned after a moment. “Um, can you put Sean on.”
“Hey, Craig. Sean’s not here.”
“Oh,” Craig sighed.
“Are you okay? You sound different.”
“Um. Can you meet me here at the shopping mall close to the school. I can’t find Angie.”
“Why don’t you just go to customer service and have her paged?” Ellie questioned, not paying much attention and even continued scribbling down an answer to a math question.
“What if there’s a security guard there? People are already looking at me weird. They know.”
“Know what? Are you drunk or something? How could you drink and drive with Angie in the car?!” Ellie couldn’t help but accuse and pushed away her school textbook. There was something familiar in her friend’s voice. That distant tone, his words slightly slurred and sounding like he wasn’t sure where they were coming from.
“I uh, took some pills earlier. I didn’t know it’d hit me this soon. I swear I was fine earlier.”
“ I’ll be right there. Where are you at right now exactly? Stay right there.,” Ellie instructed and listened to her friend describe his location.
A security guard’s gaze hesitated on them and Ellie began to usher Craig towards a long corridor in the back of the mall. She stopped him near the bathrooms and faced him, taking in his appearance. His hair was disheveled, like he had been pulling at it in some effort to reach for thoughts he couldn‘t remember in this intoxicated state. Craig‘s eyes were probably the biggest sign; his pupils were dark and his eyelids heavy. So she instructed, “Go wait in the car while I find Angie.”
“Like I can remember where I parked.”
Ellie sighed. It was like taking care of two kids. She hadn’t expected to be in a situation like this so soon since moving out of her mother’s and in with Sean. Both teens were treating the situation as a sort of temporary fix, fearing that everything could change at any moment. She didn’t want it to. Things felt safe for the first time in quite a while. Dealing with her high friend was reminding her of things she wanted to forget just for a little while, long enough so she could move that CD case full of cutting supplies further from her. It was still so fresh: checking to make sure her mother hadn’t choked on her vomit after she drank herself to sleep, the lies she’d tell over the phone to her father who was overseas again, and the pot of spaghetti left to set fire on the stove.
“It’s fine right? It’ll be fine right?” Craig whispered, clutching Ellie’s forearms with his clammy palms.
“Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be fine. Look, can you find your way to the food court? Just head over there, sit down at a table, and try to blend in.”
“I think I can do that,” Craig agreed. He thought he might even be able to handle ordering some fast food. As he maneuvered through the crowd he laughed out loud at the memory of ending up at some taco joint and Luke was so high the only thing he could read on the menu, or speak, was the word nachos. Small, medium, large, cheese sauce, onions, and ground beef failed to register with his stoner buddy.
It was amazing how easy it was to forget about the situation with lost sister Angela. Now he had an enchilada, occasionally nibbling on it and enjoying the crowd. It wasn’t as easy as watching television but entertaining enough. They were strangers like the characters on TV and in a way, they didn’t exist. So he was surprised when he saw his redheaded friend and little sister moving towards him.
“Angie,” Craig sighed in relief and bent down to give her a quick hug, avoiding the ice cream cone.
“Where did you go?” Angie whined. Craig saw that her eyes were red.
“She said you weren’t paying attention to her so she went to hide in a clothes rack in the junior’s section, to play a trick on you. When she went back to the toy section, you weren’t there so she got scared,” Ellie explained.
“You left me,” Angie whined.
It came over him slowly and softly. He wasn’t even sure what it was at first. Then it came to him. He used to look that sad when his parents did the weekend swap of Craig. He wondered if he ever said that to his mother. That blunt and obvious; she left him. She left him with his dad and that‘s why all this had happened. His skin crawled a little and he itched at his arms. Suddenly, he feared being sober and would gladly pop another pill if he had a chance.
“I didn’t mean to,” Craig tried to explain to his younger sister. Then he warned, “Don’t ever wander away like that again.”
He saw Angie nod, still looking a bit tearful so he scoped her up into her arms. Craig didn’t notice that Ellie reached out as if she was expecting him to lose his grip on the child like the tabloid photos of Britney Spears nearly dropping her kid that were splashed all over the internet and newsstands.
“So, lost child and lost sneakers returned,” Ellie declared and held up the department store shopping bag. “Those were at lost and found.”
“It all worked out!” Craig stated with a smile and set Angie on her feet. “Can I buy you a new toy, kid?”
Ellie couldn’t help but cautiously observe them and it wasn’t because she thought he’d stumble into a small boutique of sunglasses or trip over a kid. She saw something in them and something from Craig’s past. She knew, they all pretty much knew, where Craig’s new camera lens came from in grade nine and of course there was Albert’s newest apology that came in the form of a check for 10 grand.
“One of the Barbies that comes with a dog?“ Angie happily suggested.
“For you, absolutely,” Craig replied, all smiles.
“Guys, I think we better head home. Maybe we can all play a board game? What was it that you were telling me about?” Ellie encouraged. She watched as Angie chewed on a fingernail, thinking it over.
“Okay!” Angie decided, feeling like she was special enough to hang with her older brother’s friends.
“Yeah. Yeah, you are probably right,” Craig agreed. “But I’m totally surprising you with Pet Doctor Barbie.”
Craig didn’t meet Ellie’s gaze until he said that and saw that she forced a small smile back. She could see how eager he was, silently saying so this makes up for it, right?
“Ellie?” Sean called out, disappointed by the empty living room. She said she’d be here when he got back and that reassurance felt like some big moment. Like she was sure she’d stay. He could tell Ellie was still drained from her mother‘s drinking habit. But then her eyes sparkled and when he’d hopefully questioned her plans for the night she had reassured him that she would be there. There, with him.
Her school textbooks and some weird dark novel was still on the beat up coffee table and a few duffle bags with her clothes by the couch. Sean tried not to notice Ellie was slow to unpack. She was coming back, he reassured himself. He tried not to seem too eager to suggest that it was a solution (move in...with someone who loves you). He knew she probably wasn’t thinking about long term, being listed on a lease and things like that. He wanted her there…maybe permanently, he silently hoped and it almost turned into a prayer. She didn’t think he saw and he couldn’t be sure what scars were fresh. What could he do other than offer her a place where she could feel safe?
His stomach rumbled and he realized he should find something to scrounge up for dinner. Sean predicted it might be bologna again and softly smiled at the memory of Ellie encouraging a casserole and they could eat on it for a week. He still couldn’t believe she was here. They were still kind of tiptoeing around each other. He slept on the couch while she had the bed and he still didn’t think he saw what she slept in at night. He wondered what it would be like in a few months. He’d shovel the sidewalk in the winter and just might leave her the last piece of chocolate cake. It was the subtle things that he thought would make him the happiest; seeing her with bed head in the morning because she’d slept nearby and the strange intimacy of knowing that she was showering in the same tub as him…naked.
Sean shook off the thoughts, embarrassed by how love struck they seemed to be. It was then that he saw the piece of paper taped over a collage of restaurant take out menus and club venue flyers on the refrigerator door. “SEAN” was scrawled in large letters and he immediately grew concerned.
“Something is up with Craig. Picking him and Angie up at the mall. Meet me at his place?”
“Yes! Mac and cheese. I was thinking I’d end up eating sandwiches again,” Sean greeted as he entered the Jeremiah’s kitchen. “So what’s up?”
Ellie emptied the cheese packet into the kettle and gave the mixture a few frantic stirs. She looked up at Sean’ face and saw that concern filled it now. “Craig’s high. I mean, really out of it. He lost Angie at the mall. I couldn’t let him drive her home.”
“Is it really that bad?” Sean questioned, hoping in a sort of sick way that Ellie had simply become exasperated with seeing her mother wasted all the time and was reacting to that more than whatever was happening with his buddy Craig.
“I’ve never seen him like that,” Ellie replied, in a quieter tone as she watched Angela prance into the kitchen.
“I’m starving,” she whined dramatically and then her demeanor shifted. “We’re all going to play Mall Madness right?”
“That sounds like a girl’s game. I’m going to go hang with Craig,” Sean replied and gave Ellie a lingering look and he hoped she read it as don’t worry, I can handle this.
Upstairs was dark and Sean followed the sound of the television to Craig’s room.
“Craig?” Sean questioned as he pushed open the partially ajar bedroom door. It took him a moment to adjust to the colors that splashed up against the wall as the scenes on the TV changed. He saw him on the bed, curled up on his side and gaze on the TV set. Craig didn’t even move and for a moment, Sean feared the worst.
“You alright?” He questioned again, seeing that his friend’s eyes were open. Glazed over, but open.
“Hey. Hey, man,” Craig greeted and pulled himself up into a seated position. “I have no idea what’s on TV, but it’s amazing.”
Sean sat down at the foot of the bed and after a quick glance at the screen, shifted his gaze back to Craig.
“Joey’s not home yet, is he?” Craig asked, suddenly more aware of where he was. Not that he didn’t know. It was odd, pleasant, but still odd that he knew where he was but just didn’t care all that much. Things just were.
“Not yet. Ellie’s downstairs with Angie.,” Sean explained and watched Craig’s gaze shift over from his face and stayed on the TV screen. He didn’t hardly blink and Sean heard the moment he decided to swallow. Was it that much work to function on whatever this guy was on, he wondered.
“What’s it like?” Sean finally asked, wanting to break the silence.
“I like myself right now. I don’t usually…like myself.”
“I guess that makes sense. But what does it feel like?”
“Just really calm, I guess,” Craig replied and closed his eyes. The sounds of the television show faded until it was almost like background noise in his head. He wasn’t used to it being so quiet; usually his thoughts ran at 95 miles per hour. You’d think that since his head was so empty the television characters voices would be louder, he silently wondered. At least he thought he was silently wondering it. The voice in his head sounded strange, like the one he used when he spoke. When he opened his eyes, something was off. It took him a moment to realize what it was.
“I’m going to be sick,” he declared and was surprised by how quickly he moved to the bathroom.
Sean watched Craig crumple down to the floor beside the toilet and began to vomit. He looked away, remembering incidents with his parents. Why would someone do this to themselves? Sean looked back and saw that Craig was staring up at him, apparently having a semi-lucid moment.
“I uh, Ang and I were at the food court earlier,“ Craig paused and ran a hand over his face. “The stories about that Mexican fast food joint are true.”
He looked away when he saw Sean’s face fade into a look of disbelief. “Don’t worry, it’s normal. Sometimes they make you nauseous,” Craig quietly explained. He stayed there on the floor, enjoying the coolness of the tiles. Sean was standing above him like he was hovering in a parental sort of way. “I’m fine,” Craig reassured his watchful friend.
“Come on, let’s just have you sleep it off,” Sean encouraged and pulled Craig to his feet. He watched as his friend leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. “Dizzy,” he mumbled and chose the only word that seemed appropriate, enjoying the numbness that was washing over him like a wave. He liked how it pounded into his head; heavy, black, and nothing.
“Shit, what are you on?” Sean mumbled to himself and began to pat Craig down, an arm under him and half holding him up as he was slouched some against the wall. He found the plastic baggie in Craig’s right pocket.
“What is this?” Sean asked as he removed a pill from a plastic baggie and looked it over.
“I‘m not sure.”
“I hope you are lying to me because if you are that desperate for a high that you are popping anything you can get your hands on, you have a problem.”
Craig slightly flinched at that comment but then the emotion was gone. “I think I’m just going to chill for awhile,” he said and sunk back down to the bathroom rug. He closed his eyes and felt his head drop some, then he woke himself back up and saw Sean’s intent gaze.
“You are nodding off like a junkie,” he observed. He’d seen Craig high before, mellow, a little euphoric at times, and clumsy. There had been a few times when he was obviously rolling harder than usual, but it wasn’t like this.
“Uh, I took one on an empty stomach and it hit me hard, really hard.”
“Just one?” Sean questioned, hopeful and got a nod in response. He sighed when he saw Craig then shake his head. He sat down beside Craig and studied him, counting out his breaths. His friend was breathing slow, Sean observed, but that was to be expected when you take downers. Maybe he would be fine.
“Please don’t tell Joey. I don‘t know what he‘d do,” Craig pleaded.
Sean looked away, his gaze unblinking as he silently deliberated what to do. “I’ll make you a deal, you let me flush this,” Sean suggested and held up the small baggie that contained a couple tablets. “And I won’t tell Joey.”
“I can return them. If I don’t use something I can get my money back.”
Sean shook his head. “I’m not debating this with you. I’ll flush them, keep my mouth shut when it comes to Joey, and you promise you won’t mess around with whatever this shit is again.”
He told himself he was high enough not to care. “Deal,” Craig agreed and watched as Sean tossed the tablets into the toilet bowl and flushed them away.
“Sean?” Joey greeted out of surprise.
“Hi,” Sean responded and stood up from the board game on the floor. “Uh, Craig got sick so I popped over to help out.”
“He’s sick?” Joey said and struggled with the grocery bags in his arms. Sean quickly took one and set it down on the kitchen counter. “Thanks.”
“No problem. But uh, yeah. He came down with something so I said I’d look after Angie,” Sean explained and watched as Angie entered the kitchen.
“Daddy!” she greeted and went in for the usual hug she got when her father returned home from work. Then she fixed her attention on the grocery bags. “You got the good kind of Oreos this time right?” She asked and began to dig around, shuffling cereal boxes and vegetables.
“What is it with my kids and name brand Oreos? They have got to be the same as store brand,” Joey questioned to himself.
“I don’t even eat store brand Oreos and I’ll eat anything that has chocolate in it,” Sean said, siding with Craig’s little sister. Sean handed a carton of orange juice to Joey to put in the refrigerator and watched as he moved around, putting away various groceries.
“Oreos!” Angie spied as soon as her father pulled out the familiar package.
“Just two,” Joey caved. He paused for a moment, “You haven’t brushed your teeth yet have you? If you have you have to do them again.”
“I haven’t!”
“Okay,” Joey agreed, handing them over and then tucking the package in a cupboard. “So Craig came down with a bug? I’ll go check on him.”
Sean hesitated for a moment and then decided to follow. The last time he’d popped into Craig’s room, the guy seemed like he was sobering up. He wasn’t focused, but there wasn’t anymore nodding off like what he’d seen on TV with heroin addicts. Earlier he’d whispered to Ellie that they were in the clear. She looked relieved but then it faded into looking worn down and she declared that she should head home. He couldn’t help but question which home she meant and his girlfriend verified his…their…home. Soon he’d be there soon. Craig just had to do his part.
“Craig? Are you awake?” Joey questioned.
“You feeling better? I told Joey you came down with something so I babysat,” Sean was sure to state.
“Yeah. Thanks for that,” Craig caught on and responded as he sat up in bed.
“You do look flushed and are warm,” Joey remarked as he looked over his stepson. Craig barely felt his stepfather’s hand on his forehead.
Sean watched as Craig’s eyes glazed over, looking like he was lost in a daydream. He moved closer a few steps in an attempt to get his friend to look at him. “Wake up,” he silently mouthed to his friend and saw some nervousness seep back into his expression.
“I think I’m getting a cold. I took some cough medicine and it just knocked me out,” Craig explained.
“How about you go to bed early tonight? No more TV,” Joey decided in a dad fashion. “I’ll check on you later.”
Sean exited Craig’s bedroom first and felt unsettled, unsure. He watched as Joey closed Craig’s bedroom door, lingering a few seconds before he started to follow Joey down the stairs. If Craig had messed up and taken too much, they would have known by now right? And he had flushed what pills Craig had left over. He took care of the situation. Joey didn’t have to know.
“Had a good time with you tonight, kid,” Sean said to Angie and ruffled her hair before reaching for his coat. “I‘ll see you soon.”
“Maybe next time you come over you can teach me a card game. A game that you play with your friends,” Angie encouraged, leaning over the back of the couch and smiling at her brother’s good looking friend.
“Euchre? Maybe poker?” Sean asked, amused ,and then turned when he heard Joey say his name.
“You don’t have to do that. Freebie babysitting job,” Sean quickly said as he watched Joey pull out his wallet. “Besides, I ate like half your fridge anyway.”
“Isn’t that what happens on a regular basis?” Joey joked.
Sean smirked and then it faded,. He felt a little sick to his stomach. Maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do. Craig couldn’t keep his story straight and at the time he assumed the guy was just out of it, but now he was starting to think it was possible he was lying to make the situation look better than it was. He and his friends should do something, he just wasn’t sure what.
“I was paged,” Craig informed the school secretary. He wasn’t sure what this was about. School was about to let out so maybe Joey had left him a message, wanting him to play chauffeur to Angela today. He couldn’t remember what after school activity the kid was doing on Mondays. Was it ballet?
“Ms. Sauvé requested to see you. About your internship,” the secretary responded after flipping through several stacks of papers.
“Oh!” Craig declared, relieved. So this would be a quick and easy visit. In and out of her office, Craig reassured himself. He felt a little awkward entering the familiar office after his many sessions with her and his recent decision a month or so ago to quit therapy. “Hi. You wanted to see me about my internship? Ash said she got hers this morning. She‘s with some record company, I guess. I knew she‘d land it with her grades. Tell me I‘m not shadowing Shelia the caf lady.”
The psychologist smiled at him. “Nope. You were chosen for an internship with a local photographer. He’s pretty well known. I think you will enjoy it.”
Craig looked over the sheets of paper being handed to him. “Oh wow. That’s actually really awesome. I haven’t gotten to hang around the darkroom as often as I’d like this year. Am I going to get to like…assist? Working side by side making prints? Setting up shows? I’d be happy adjusting lights,” Craig rambled on, excited.
“I’m sure you’ll find all that out when you meet him. I think it will be a valuable experience for you.”
“Yeah, totally. Well thanks for the good news,” Craig said and eyed the door.
“How are your classes going so far?”
“Not too bad. I’m nervous about getting my science test back,” he admitted. Craig was surprised by how hard the painkillers had hit him and knocked him down for almost the whole weekend. Joey was convinced by the whole he caught a bug scenario once he saw how Craig was late to climb out of bed, even for a weekend, and decided to lounge on the couch on Saturday night. He spent most of the time recovering and could care less about studying.
“You are doing exceptionally well in your English and artistic related courses, I noticed.”
Craig felt uneasy hearing that; was she keeping an eye on him? Sometimes he worried what was said in the teacher’s lounge. Especially when he returned back to school after things like his father’s death. “Yeah. I like those classes. I mean, if you can’t get an A in art, you shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house without adult supervision.”
“How are things outside of school?”
“Good!”
“Some of your friends are concerned about you,” Ms. Sauvé said and carefully watched Craig’s face.
“What? Concerned about what?”
“Are you surprised by this?”
“What did they say?”
“Anything you say to me is confidential. I won’t have to inform authorities unless if you make threats to harm yourself or another person,” She reminded, hoping it would be a push.
He almost wanted to say it. He called it partying. But there was the times it wasn’t and he knew what people thought about folks who popped pills and nearly lost their kid sister in a mall or got drunk in their closet before school. He hated it in him too sometimes. And there was only one way to dull that.
“I know. Um, but I’m okay. I don’t know who would say that I’m not. Who said that?”
“I can’t break that confidentiality, Craig.”
“Yeah, okay,” Craig said and blankly stared at the wall as he tried to wrap his head around this. “It’s not a big deal, I guess. I mean they are always thinking that I’m a mess because of my dad or whatever. So I’m sure that’s it. But I’m doing fine now.”
“Okay. But if you ever feel like you aren’t, you are welcome to stop by anytime.”
“I know. Well, thanks for the news about my internship. I’m excited for it,” Craig declared with a smile and started for the door now. “I’ll see you around school.”
He was sure she said goodbye but he didn’t hear it. The blood was pounding in his ears and he was sure his face was turning red with anger. He could barely focus enough to stuff his textbooks into his backpack. He slammed his locker shut with a satisfying clang and went to look for them, feeling like he was hunting someone down. It had to be Ashley, Sean, or Ellie. It only made sense. Who else would make a big deal over this? Who else cared? He zoomed in on them sitting outside on campus.
“Who was it?” Craig demanded as soon as he approached his friends at the picnic table. “Who told her?”
Craig watched as they refused to answer. His angry gaze moved over each of them and he watched as they kept their head down, not even glancing at each other.
“You just found out about your music industry internship, right?” Craig said to Ashley. “That just happened. Ms. Sauvé pulled you out of homeroom. You went to her office and just casually brought me up, didn’t you? How could you do that to me?”
“And you told me that you pop in to talk to her…you brought me up, didn’t you?” Craig claimed of Ellie. He barely paused between accusations, not letting them get in a few words to explain.
“You promised me that you wouldn’t tell,” Craig angrily stated, his eyes burning into his friend Sean. “You told Ashley about what happened. Or did you?”
Sean watched as Ellie started snapping her rubber bracelets. He had to say something now. “I said I wouldn’t rat you out to Joey. But I thought about it. And yeah, you are our friend, we are going to talk about it. You were out of it.”
“Screw you. I would never do that to you. Like if it was something that could jeopardize your student welfare. And you ratted me out.”
“Are you in trouble for anything?”
Craig took a sharp breath and looked away. “No. We didn’t get into it.”
“So what’s your problem?” Sean snapped back. The guy was afraid they’d make him stop, wasn’t he?
“I just don’t like how you are talking about me behind my back, to each other, to Sauvé of all people. And not to me.”
“Who do you think we were waiting for, Craig?” Ashley finally spoke up, frustrated.
The anger melted away some and for a brief moment he felt ashamed of the scene he was making. He wouldn’t let that give in; he didn’t know how he’d react to dealing with the embarrassment. He let the anger flame up again. “You totally blindsided me. She said your friends are concerned. My God, did you all go in together?”
‘It didn’t happen like that at all.”
“How did it happen then?” Craig said and noticed that he was almost yelling. He had to, he couldn’t even hear. His heart was pounding and he was sure he couldn’t breath, not around them. He was shaking his head now, unaware if they were even speaking to him. He turned quickly and began to stalk off, muttering “I can’t be around you right now.”
“That went well,” Ellie dejectedly said.
Craig avoided his friends the next day in school. He let the past few days roll around in his head, kicking up different emotions. There was anger and he wanted to punish them for almost turning him in. He couldn’t believe they didn’t come to him first, ask him about what was going on, and instead headed to Sauvé. The whole thing made him jumpy, itchy on the inside as he tried not to think about TV show’s on addiction. Shows where families and friends came together to remind you of how you are a mess and something that needed to be fixed.
Maybe he was that much of a mess. He was made up of this jumbled past, a past that had jagged edges and felt like it was cutting into him as he recalled it. Ashley, Sean, and Ellie didn’t have that. Or if they did it wasn’t like this. If they had any idea, they wouldn’t wonder why sometimes he had to get away.
Then it would dip down into that loneliness that was always there. The void was just easier to fill sometimes, cushioned by substances or the realization that for once things were normal. He didn’t want to lose them like he lost everyone else. And maybe, a soft voice whispered in his head, Craig knew that he had to do damage control so there wasn’t anymore ‘concern.’ He wasn’t crashing Sean and Ellie’s housewarming party by any means. He didn’t know if the invitation was still open so he waited, becoming more and more fashionably late as he debated trying to mend bridges or saying screw it and digging into the stash in his room.
Craig was surprised to be greeted by the sight of a few of Sean and Jay’s shop class crew slamming car doors and the sound of engines starting. They were leaving? Already? Inside, he was surprised by the lack of music and smaller crowd.
“Oh I cannot deal with anymore drama today,” Sean snapped at the sight of Craig.
“Okay. I deserved that. I freaked out. I’m sorry,” Craig said and glanced over their faces. Sean would meet his gaze now but Ashley was still avoiding looking him in the eye. “Where’s Ellie? I wanted to apologize. I am so sorry for putting you guys through that, especially her when she’s been dealing with her mom’s drinking.”
“She’s not here. Mrs. Nash showed up, made a scene, and took her home.”
Craig stared at the floor. “Can I stop by maybe? Apologize?”
“Why are you asking me for permission? I’m not her father,” Sean snapped.
“Yeah, I don’t know why I said that,” Craig quickly replied, flustered. It made sense at the time, this was his best friend and it was his girlfriend. He sensed he was protective over her lately. Then he saw Sean’s expression soften some.
“I don’t know if now is a good time. I have a feeling they are having it out. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think it should be between El and her mom,” Sean replied, kinder now.
“It was all just terrible timing.“ He didn’t know else to explain it. He was aware of Mrs. Nash’s drinking problem and the toll it took on Ellie, even though it was something that was sort of left unsaid in the group unless if something had just happened. It was rare for Ellie to break down and actually talk about it though. That was how Nash was. That was how they handled a lot of the personal confessions that would happen late at night. They let them happen and then let it go, always seeing more of them than their weird family situations. He couldn’t help but wonder why they weren’t letting this go.
“Shit. Look, I am so sorry. I know her mom’s been getting worse and she shouldn’t have had to deal with me like that. You probably saw your parents in me too,” Craig said and blushed some. There was this nagging, though; he wished he could be high for this. At the time of being incredibly numb and off in his oxy head space, he didn’t care what he looked like in front of Sean or Ellie. Now it sort of shamed him a little. It was never fun to be around sober people who would remember it the next day.
Sean shrugged in response. “You might want to watch what you are doing.”
He wanted to say that he knew what he was doing. Instead Craig said “I promise I’m going to make it up to you guys.”
“There’s just one thing you have to do,” Ashley said, finally looking him in the eye and got a huge smile back in return.
“What’s that? Consider it done.”
“Stop with the pills. And lay off the drinking.”
Craig’s breath caught in his throat. They didn’t know what it was like, how things got too fast and he had to slow them down. Or how sometimes he needed something to bring him up a few notches and mellow him out, just so he could walk around like a normal human being. And who were they to say when their summers were frequently tainted with alcohol?
“You lost your kid sister in a mall because you were high,” Sean encouraged.
“I never meant to hurt anyone. I swear I didn‘t mean for any of that to end up that way. I didn‘t plan…to baby sit her like that. There‘s never a plan, really.”
“How often is it going on? Do you get that high often?”
“I’ve never taken that much before. No. No! I don’t do it that often,” Craig replied with a smile and noticed how carefully Ashley was watching him. Her eyes would move over his fidgeting hands and face, lingering on his eyes like she was searching for something. “Just please don’t be mad at me.”
“We’re not mad. But come on, if you can stop, stop. Show that you can.”
Craig laughed a little nervously. It was like a test? Did he have to go a certain while to prove he passed? Plan it cool, he urged himself, show them that it‘s not a big deal. “Okay. If that’s what you guys want. I‘ll stop because that‘s what you want.”
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Siblings Craig and Angie. Friendships Craig/Ellie, Craig/Sean, Ashley/Craig/Ellie/Sean. Pairings: Ellie/Sean.
Brief summary of this chapter: Craig's branching out of his friendships with Ashley, Ellie, and Sean and choosing a bit faster crowd. They are still there to try to bail him out of potential trouble.
25. Comfortably Numb
It came over him soft and heavy, almost like sleep and suddenly the shopping mall was like something he’d only seen in a dream. It was surreal but so right. Craig looked around the toy department; there was the little girl crying for a new Barbie, an older sister handing a teddy bear to her younger one, and the frantic mother of four that was urging her young that now was time to go home. They didn’t bother them and in a way, in that way that you only feel when you are this up, he loved that they were sharing this moment. He looked down at Angie and smiled; the past was gone and it was just this moment.
This might have been their fifth trip back to the toy section, Craig couldn’t be sure. He just let Angie take his hand and lead him around the store. He would prompt her with questions about the merchandise they saw and Angie giggled at him when he couldn’t help but occasionally ramble a bit; things were rolling around in his head weightless and he couldn’t help but let him drift out his mouth that never closed all the way. Today felt like it was in bits and pieces.
How’d he end up here, Craig wondered.
Ashley was in Montreal for the weekend and a part of him was relieved. He couldn’t take her to a party like this, not after she found a stash in his locker. At first he had to reassure himself that she wasn’t snooping, didn’t want to catch him in the act (he didn’t know where this guilt was coming from), and had only made the discovery because they were that comfortable around each other that it wasn’t unusual for them to poke around in each other’s belongings. He had quietly reassured her that lots of kids took them and no one has had problems so far. Since then, Ash had been emailing him websites on a variety of pills; what they looked like, how many milligrams was in what colored tablet, and what he shouldn’t mix it with. How very Ashley of her to research drugs. He first found it sort of endearing but lately worried that she was taking too much of an interest in what he was doing.
He told Sean and Ellie the band was practicing. They had almost seemed eager that the group wouldn‘t be getting together on a Friday night. Since the two had moved into Sean‘s apartment together, they had been in some weird newlywed mode. So there was no need to lie, but Craig couldn’t help but lie out of habit lately. Sean’s parties had been growing tamer since Mr. Eyl had threatened Sean’s student welfare last year and Ellie’s mother’s drinking had reached a new height. He didn’t know what they would think about this.
Craig found it almost amusing to compare the get togethers at Luke’s were to the ones that used to happen at Sean’s. At Sean’s it was usually only beer and cheap liquor. There was more options at Luke’s parties, many more options. Craig wondered how Luke got away with the petty drug dealing and house parties when it parents were out of town. It was kind of awkward, for several reasons, when he actually met his new friend’s parents; both high ups on some well known business chains. It was sort of obvious they looked the other way, content with his buddy’s mediocre grades. They were nice to Craig though, taking interest in him. He had shifted uncomfortably when Luke’s father seemed stuck on Craig’s last name, like he knew him from somewhere. Albert Manning, he finally realized, snapping his fingers. They met at some convention or luncheon lecture. Small world. Craig had to deliver the news that his dad passed away and that night had crushed several muscle relaxers and mixed them into his drink.
Craig looked down at the pills being pushed across the coffee table, divided into uppers, downers, and by strength. That was what was common at Luke’s. The kids he met there would hand over an assortment of pills swiped from the medicine cabinets at home. The last time Craig brought muscle relaxers from when Joey threw out his back. Beers were being cracked, pills popped, and a few tucked cash back into their pockets. And it was only the afternoon. He wasn’t sure why he decided to take the strongest dose of Oxy he’d ever taken, minus the overdose incident at the beginning of his grade 9 year. But this was different. It was intentional…no, unintentional. It wasn’t worth silently fussing over, he decided. It was easy not to hesitate with this crowd; they kind of prided themselves on that attitude.
He swore that he felt the high right away, but quickly realized it was just the anticipation of it. So he settled back on the couch in Luke’s basement. He flipped the channel to a music channel and felt the bass through the floor. He felt the couch cushions shift as someone sat beside him and he looked over in time to see Evie take another shot of liquor.
“I like you. I appreciate the fact that you aren’t a mooch,” Craig said, noticing that this girl always brought her own alcohol and it was a higher up brand.
“You’ll drink the cheapest booze out there,” Evie said, shaking her head. She wasn‘t always careful about how much she drank, but she watched what kind she put into her body. It made sense to her. “You are like a garbage can.”
“It gets the job done. That’s all that matters.”
“I can appreciate that. But I’m a firm believer that life is too short for cheap liquor.”
“I don’t get how you have the cash to drink like you do,” Craig observed. “Or how you can party like that, then go to homeroom, finish your homework, and get an A at it.”
“Practice makes perfect. And I’m flattered you noticed.”
He did notice the kids at these parties in school, who went to class and who had what lunch period. He kind of had to shuffle them around with crowds he hung out with. There was people like Jimmy the jock and Marco the school student body president who wouldn’t know where parties like this happened. Sometimes he found himself making rules like who’s phone call he could take drunk or high and who was best to avoid.
“Shit. Shit,” Craig mumbled, hesitating on taking the call. He cleared his throat and reassured himself that he was still 100% sober. “Hey Joey. What’s up?”
“Craig, you were supposed to pick Angie up from daycare and take her to the mall to pick up new shoes, remember? We made a deal about the car. You said you’d help out more and in return you’d get more freedom,” Joey reminded over the cell phone.
“Joey, can’t it wait until tomorrow? I’ll make a day out of it for her,” Craig tried and watched as two more teenagers wandered downstairs, beers in hand. “I’m at Sean’s right now, I thought I told you I was spending the night.”
Joey sighed at that. He heard the music in the background and reflected on the phone call with Caitlin recently. He told her about the car and how Craig was missing curfew more and more frequently. His girlfriend thought he wasn’t cracking down enough. Sometimes he thought he didn’t have that right because he wasn’t Craig’s birth father. He was the stepfather. No, he was the dad, Joey reminded himself. He decided to pick this moment not to budge.
Craig had agreed, sighed, and clicked off the phone. “I have to go. Family.”
He could do this. They were all used to functioning on their cocktail of pills. Sometimes Craig thought it made things easier; the words for an English essay flowed out of him because he didn’t have that
self-doubt, he was relaxed enough to sleep at night, and the details of life softened. So he was surprised when they all questioned if he was okay to drive.
“You’ll be rolling pretty hard,” Luke warned.
“I just took it. It shouldn’t hit me until later. Full stomach,” Craig reasoned. He could do this, he had to. Pick up Angie and head home and figure something out from there. Hell, the kid would probably be great company while he was high.
Craig looked down to see if he was still holding Angela’s hand and saw that he was clutching a shopping bag that contained a small pink shoe box. His other hand was empty.
“What?” he mumbled to himself and glanced around the department store. Craig had to steady himself for a moment and turned his head away from another shopper’s curious gaze. He moved slowly through the aisles, trying to focus on locating Angie and less on how the details of clothing, toys, and electronics. It was swallowing him.
“Angie!” Craig called out down the Barbie aisle. He felt something swell inside him. She was here, wasn’t she? Craig pressed his fingertips to his forehead. Remember. Of course she was, Craig reassured himself and tried to ignore the fact that this all seemed like a dream. It felt that way because of the painkillers, he reminded himself, and being high on them always put him in a sort of daydream. He was in control here. Craig looked down at his side and saw that both hands were empty. That reminded him of the task at hand.
“Angie!” Craig tried again, this time in the aisle with the stuffed animals. If she wasn’t in the toy section where would she be? “What did I do?”
Cell phone, cell phone, Craig reminded himself as he patted over his jean pockets. He felt his car keys through the denim. No way he was driving home. But he couldn’t even focus on that issue right now, he needed to find Angie and he didn’t think he could even handle that one. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and leaned up against a shelf of bath towels. Craig scrolled through the list of contacts and debated on each one. As he tapped on the phone keys, Craig realized that his fingers felt like they were soft and boneless. Like they were made of blood, he heard in his head, and his palms began to sweat.
Calling Sean Cameron, the cell phone screen said and Craig brought the phone up to his ear. The party was probably heating up so they were out. This was his best bet. Sean would call him a dumb ass but he’d bail him out like he had before. Craig was surprised to hear a female voice and it took him a moment to recognize it.
“Ellie?” Craig questioned after a moment. “Um, can you put Sean on.”
“Hey, Craig. Sean’s not here.”
“Oh,” Craig sighed.
“Are you okay? You sound different.”
“Um. Can you meet me here at the shopping mall close to the school. I can’t find Angie.”
“Why don’t you just go to customer service and have her paged?” Ellie questioned, not paying much attention and even continued scribbling down an answer to a math question.
“What if there’s a security guard there? People are already looking at me weird. They know.”
“Know what? Are you drunk or something? How could you drink and drive with Angie in the car?!” Ellie couldn’t help but accuse and pushed away her school textbook. There was something familiar in her friend’s voice. That distant tone, his words slightly slurred and sounding like he wasn’t sure where they were coming from.
“I uh, took some pills earlier. I didn’t know it’d hit me this soon. I swear I was fine earlier.”
“ I’ll be right there. Where are you at right now exactly? Stay right there.,” Ellie instructed and listened to her friend describe his location.
A security guard’s gaze hesitated on them and Ellie began to usher Craig towards a long corridor in the back of the mall. She stopped him near the bathrooms and faced him, taking in his appearance. His hair was disheveled, like he had been pulling at it in some effort to reach for thoughts he couldn‘t remember in this intoxicated state. Craig‘s eyes were probably the biggest sign; his pupils were dark and his eyelids heavy. So she instructed, “Go wait in the car while I find Angie.”
“Like I can remember where I parked.”
Ellie sighed. It was like taking care of two kids. She hadn’t expected to be in a situation like this so soon since moving out of her mother’s and in with Sean. Both teens were treating the situation as a sort of temporary fix, fearing that everything could change at any moment. She didn’t want it to. Things felt safe for the first time in quite a while. Dealing with her high friend was reminding her of things she wanted to forget just for a little while, long enough so she could move that CD case full of cutting supplies further from her. It was still so fresh: checking to make sure her mother hadn’t choked on her vomit after she drank herself to sleep, the lies she’d tell over the phone to her father who was overseas again, and the pot of spaghetti left to set fire on the stove.
“It’s fine right? It’ll be fine right?” Craig whispered, clutching Ellie’s forearms with his clammy palms.
“Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be fine. Look, can you find your way to the food court? Just head over there, sit down at a table, and try to blend in.”
“I think I can do that,” Craig agreed. He thought he might even be able to handle ordering some fast food. As he maneuvered through the crowd he laughed out loud at the memory of ending up at some taco joint and Luke was so high the only thing he could read on the menu, or speak, was the word nachos. Small, medium, large, cheese sauce, onions, and ground beef failed to register with his stoner buddy.
It was amazing how easy it was to forget about the situation with lost sister Angela. Now he had an enchilada, occasionally nibbling on it and enjoying the crowd. It wasn’t as easy as watching television but entertaining enough. They were strangers like the characters on TV and in a way, they didn’t exist. So he was surprised when he saw his redheaded friend and little sister moving towards him.
“Angie,” Craig sighed in relief and bent down to give her a quick hug, avoiding the ice cream cone.
“Where did you go?” Angie whined. Craig saw that her eyes were red.
“She said you weren’t paying attention to her so she went to hide in a clothes rack in the junior’s section, to play a trick on you. When she went back to the toy section, you weren’t there so she got scared,” Ellie explained.
“You left me,” Angie whined.
It came over him slowly and softly. He wasn’t even sure what it was at first. Then it came to him. He used to look that sad when his parents did the weekend swap of Craig. He wondered if he ever said that to his mother. That blunt and obvious; she left him. She left him with his dad and that‘s why all this had happened. His skin crawled a little and he itched at his arms. Suddenly, he feared being sober and would gladly pop another pill if he had a chance.
“I didn’t mean to,” Craig tried to explain to his younger sister. Then he warned, “Don’t ever wander away like that again.”
He saw Angie nod, still looking a bit tearful so he scoped her up into her arms. Craig didn’t notice that Ellie reached out as if she was expecting him to lose his grip on the child like the tabloid photos of Britney Spears nearly dropping her kid that were splashed all over the internet and newsstands.
“So, lost child and lost sneakers returned,” Ellie declared and held up the department store shopping bag. “Those were at lost and found.”
“It all worked out!” Craig stated with a smile and set Angie on her feet. “Can I buy you a new toy, kid?”
Ellie couldn’t help but cautiously observe them and it wasn’t because she thought he’d stumble into a small boutique of sunglasses or trip over a kid. She saw something in them and something from Craig’s past. She knew, they all pretty much knew, where Craig’s new camera lens came from in grade nine and of course there was Albert’s newest apology that came in the form of a check for 10 grand.
“One of the Barbies that comes with a dog?“ Angie happily suggested.
“For you, absolutely,” Craig replied, all smiles.
“Guys, I think we better head home. Maybe we can all play a board game? What was it that you were telling me about?” Ellie encouraged. She watched as Angie chewed on a fingernail, thinking it over.
“Okay!” Angie decided, feeling like she was special enough to hang with her older brother’s friends.
“Yeah. Yeah, you are probably right,” Craig agreed. “But I’m totally surprising you with Pet Doctor Barbie.”
Craig didn’t meet Ellie’s gaze until he said that and saw that she forced a small smile back. She could see how eager he was, silently saying so this makes up for it, right?
“Ellie?” Sean called out, disappointed by the empty living room. She said she’d be here when he got back and that reassurance felt like some big moment. Like she was sure she’d stay. He could tell Ellie was still drained from her mother‘s drinking habit. But then her eyes sparkled and when he’d hopefully questioned her plans for the night she had reassured him that she would be there. There, with him.
Her school textbooks and some weird dark novel was still on the beat up coffee table and a few duffle bags with her clothes by the couch. Sean tried not to notice Ellie was slow to unpack. She was coming back, he reassured himself. He tried not to seem too eager to suggest that it was a solution (move in...with someone who loves you). He knew she probably wasn’t thinking about long term, being listed on a lease and things like that. He wanted her there…maybe permanently, he silently hoped and it almost turned into a prayer. She didn’t think he saw and he couldn’t be sure what scars were fresh. What could he do other than offer her a place where she could feel safe?
His stomach rumbled and he realized he should find something to scrounge up for dinner. Sean predicted it might be bologna again and softly smiled at the memory of Ellie encouraging a casserole and they could eat on it for a week. He still couldn’t believe she was here. They were still kind of tiptoeing around each other. He slept on the couch while she had the bed and he still didn’t think he saw what she slept in at night. He wondered what it would be like in a few months. He’d shovel the sidewalk in the winter and just might leave her the last piece of chocolate cake. It was the subtle things that he thought would make him the happiest; seeing her with bed head in the morning because she’d slept nearby and the strange intimacy of knowing that she was showering in the same tub as him…naked.
Sean shook off the thoughts, embarrassed by how love struck they seemed to be. It was then that he saw the piece of paper taped over a collage of restaurant take out menus and club venue flyers on the refrigerator door. “SEAN” was scrawled in large letters and he immediately grew concerned.
“Something is up with Craig. Picking him and Angie up at the mall. Meet me at his place?”
“Yes! Mac and cheese. I was thinking I’d end up eating sandwiches again,” Sean greeted as he entered the Jeremiah’s kitchen. “So what’s up?”
Ellie emptied the cheese packet into the kettle and gave the mixture a few frantic stirs. She looked up at Sean’ face and saw that concern filled it now. “Craig’s high. I mean, really out of it. He lost Angie at the mall. I couldn’t let him drive her home.”
“Is it really that bad?” Sean questioned, hoping in a sort of sick way that Ellie had simply become exasperated with seeing her mother wasted all the time and was reacting to that more than whatever was happening with his buddy Craig.
“I’ve never seen him like that,” Ellie replied, in a quieter tone as she watched Angela prance into the kitchen.
“I’m starving,” she whined dramatically and then her demeanor shifted. “We’re all going to play Mall Madness right?”
“That sounds like a girl’s game. I’m going to go hang with Craig,” Sean replied and gave Ellie a lingering look and he hoped she read it as don’t worry, I can handle this.
Upstairs was dark and Sean followed the sound of the television to Craig’s room.
“Craig?” Sean questioned as he pushed open the partially ajar bedroom door. It took him a moment to adjust to the colors that splashed up against the wall as the scenes on the TV changed. He saw him on the bed, curled up on his side and gaze on the TV set. Craig didn’t even move and for a moment, Sean feared the worst.
“You alright?” He questioned again, seeing that his friend’s eyes were open. Glazed over, but open.
“Hey. Hey, man,” Craig greeted and pulled himself up into a seated position. “I have no idea what’s on TV, but it’s amazing.”
Sean sat down at the foot of the bed and after a quick glance at the screen, shifted his gaze back to Craig.
“Joey’s not home yet, is he?” Craig asked, suddenly more aware of where he was. Not that he didn’t know. It was odd, pleasant, but still odd that he knew where he was but just didn’t care all that much. Things just were.
“Not yet. Ellie’s downstairs with Angie.,” Sean explained and watched Craig’s gaze shift over from his face and stayed on the TV screen. He didn’t hardly blink and Sean heard the moment he decided to swallow. Was it that much work to function on whatever this guy was on, he wondered.
“What’s it like?” Sean finally asked, wanting to break the silence.
“I like myself right now. I don’t usually…like myself.”
“I guess that makes sense. But what does it feel like?”
“Just really calm, I guess,” Craig replied and closed his eyes. The sounds of the television show faded until it was almost like background noise in his head. He wasn’t used to it being so quiet; usually his thoughts ran at 95 miles per hour. You’d think that since his head was so empty the television characters voices would be louder, he silently wondered. At least he thought he was silently wondering it. The voice in his head sounded strange, like the one he used when he spoke. When he opened his eyes, something was off. It took him a moment to realize what it was.
“I’m going to be sick,” he declared and was surprised by how quickly he moved to the bathroom.
Sean watched Craig crumple down to the floor beside the toilet and began to vomit. He looked away, remembering incidents with his parents. Why would someone do this to themselves? Sean looked back and saw that Craig was staring up at him, apparently having a semi-lucid moment.
“I uh, Ang and I were at the food court earlier,“ Craig paused and ran a hand over his face. “The stories about that Mexican fast food joint are true.”
He looked away when he saw Sean’s face fade into a look of disbelief. “Don’t worry, it’s normal. Sometimes they make you nauseous,” Craig quietly explained. He stayed there on the floor, enjoying the coolness of the tiles. Sean was standing above him like he was hovering in a parental sort of way. “I’m fine,” Craig reassured his watchful friend.
“Come on, let’s just have you sleep it off,” Sean encouraged and pulled Craig to his feet. He watched as his friend leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. “Dizzy,” he mumbled and chose the only word that seemed appropriate, enjoying the numbness that was washing over him like a wave. He liked how it pounded into his head; heavy, black, and nothing.
“Shit, what are you on?” Sean mumbled to himself and began to pat Craig down, an arm under him and half holding him up as he was slouched some against the wall. He found the plastic baggie in Craig’s right pocket.
“What is this?” Sean asked as he removed a pill from a plastic baggie and looked it over.
“I‘m not sure.”
“I hope you are lying to me because if you are that desperate for a high that you are popping anything you can get your hands on, you have a problem.”
Craig slightly flinched at that comment but then the emotion was gone. “I think I’m just going to chill for awhile,” he said and sunk back down to the bathroom rug. He closed his eyes and felt his head drop some, then he woke himself back up and saw Sean’s intent gaze.
“You are nodding off like a junkie,” he observed. He’d seen Craig high before, mellow, a little euphoric at times, and clumsy. There had been a few times when he was obviously rolling harder than usual, but it wasn’t like this.
“Uh, I took one on an empty stomach and it hit me hard, really hard.”
“Just one?” Sean questioned, hopeful and got a nod in response. He sighed when he saw Craig then shake his head. He sat down beside Craig and studied him, counting out his breaths. His friend was breathing slow, Sean observed, but that was to be expected when you take downers. Maybe he would be fine.
“Please don’t tell Joey. I don‘t know what he‘d do,” Craig pleaded.
Sean looked away, his gaze unblinking as he silently deliberated what to do. “I’ll make you a deal, you let me flush this,” Sean suggested and held up the small baggie that contained a couple tablets. “And I won’t tell Joey.”
“I can return them. If I don’t use something I can get my money back.”
Sean shook his head. “I’m not debating this with you. I’ll flush them, keep my mouth shut when it comes to Joey, and you promise you won’t mess around with whatever this shit is again.”
He told himself he was high enough not to care. “Deal,” Craig agreed and watched as Sean tossed the tablets into the toilet bowl and flushed them away.
“Sean?” Joey greeted out of surprise.
“Hi,” Sean responded and stood up from the board game on the floor. “Uh, Craig got sick so I popped over to help out.”
“He’s sick?” Joey said and struggled with the grocery bags in his arms. Sean quickly took one and set it down on the kitchen counter. “Thanks.”
“No problem. But uh, yeah. He came down with something so I said I’d look after Angie,” Sean explained and watched as Angie entered the kitchen.
“Daddy!” she greeted and went in for the usual hug she got when her father returned home from work. Then she fixed her attention on the grocery bags. “You got the good kind of Oreos this time right?” She asked and began to dig around, shuffling cereal boxes and vegetables.
“What is it with my kids and name brand Oreos? They have got to be the same as store brand,” Joey questioned to himself.
“I don’t even eat store brand Oreos and I’ll eat anything that has chocolate in it,” Sean said, siding with Craig’s little sister. Sean handed a carton of orange juice to Joey to put in the refrigerator and watched as he moved around, putting away various groceries.
“Oreos!” Angie spied as soon as her father pulled out the familiar package.
“Just two,” Joey caved. He paused for a moment, “You haven’t brushed your teeth yet have you? If you have you have to do them again.”
“I haven’t!”
“Okay,” Joey agreed, handing them over and then tucking the package in a cupboard. “So Craig came down with a bug? I’ll go check on him.”
Sean hesitated for a moment and then decided to follow. The last time he’d popped into Craig’s room, the guy seemed like he was sobering up. He wasn’t focused, but there wasn’t anymore nodding off like what he’d seen on TV with heroin addicts. Earlier he’d whispered to Ellie that they were in the clear. She looked relieved but then it faded into looking worn down and she declared that she should head home. He couldn’t help but question which home she meant and his girlfriend verified his…their…home. Soon he’d be there soon. Craig just had to do his part.
“Craig? Are you awake?” Joey questioned.
“You feeling better? I told Joey you came down with something so I babysat,” Sean was sure to state.
“Yeah. Thanks for that,” Craig caught on and responded as he sat up in bed.
“You do look flushed and are warm,” Joey remarked as he looked over his stepson. Craig barely felt his stepfather’s hand on his forehead.
Sean watched as Craig’s eyes glazed over, looking like he was lost in a daydream. He moved closer a few steps in an attempt to get his friend to look at him. “Wake up,” he silently mouthed to his friend and saw some nervousness seep back into his expression.
“I think I’m getting a cold. I took some cough medicine and it just knocked me out,” Craig explained.
“How about you go to bed early tonight? No more TV,” Joey decided in a dad fashion. “I’ll check on you later.”
Sean exited Craig’s bedroom first and felt unsettled, unsure. He watched as Joey closed Craig’s bedroom door, lingering a few seconds before he started to follow Joey down the stairs. If Craig had messed up and taken too much, they would have known by now right? And he had flushed what pills Craig had left over. He took care of the situation. Joey didn’t have to know.
“Had a good time with you tonight, kid,” Sean said to Angie and ruffled her hair before reaching for his coat. “I‘ll see you soon.”
“Maybe next time you come over you can teach me a card game. A game that you play with your friends,” Angie encouraged, leaning over the back of the couch and smiling at her brother’s good looking friend.
“Euchre? Maybe poker?” Sean asked, amused ,and then turned when he heard Joey say his name.
“You don’t have to do that. Freebie babysitting job,” Sean quickly said as he watched Joey pull out his wallet. “Besides, I ate like half your fridge anyway.”
“Isn’t that what happens on a regular basis?” Joey joked.
Sean smirked and then it faded,. He felt a little sick to his stomach. Maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do. Craig couldn’t keep his story straight and at the time he assumed the guy was just out of it, but now he was starting to think it was possible he was lying to make the situation look better than it was. He and his friends should do something, he just wasn’t sure what.
“I was paged,” Craig informed the school secretary. He wasn’t sure what this was about. School was about to let out so maybe Joey had left him a message, wanting him to play chauffeur to Angela today. He couldn’t remember what after school activity the kid was doing on Mondays. Was it ballet?
“Ms. Sauvé requested to see you. About your internship,” the secretary responded after flipping through several stacks of papers.
“Oh!” Craig declared, relieved. So this would be a quick and easy visit. In and out of her office, Craig reassured himself. He felt a little awkward entering the familiar office after his many sessions with her and his recent decision a month or so ago to quit therapy. “Hi. You wanted to see me about my internship? Ash said she got hers this morning. She‘s with some record company, I guess. I knew she‘d land it with her grades. Tell me I‘m not shadowing Shelia the caf lady.”
The psychologist smiled at him. “Nope. You were chosen for an internship with a local photographer. He’s pretty well known. I think you will enjoy it.”
Craig looked over the sheets of paper being handed to him. “Oh wow. That’s actually really awesome. I haven’t gotten to hang around the darkroom as often as I’d like this year. Am I going to get to like…assist? Working side by side making prints? Setting up shows? I’d be happy adjusting lights,” Craig rambled on, excited.
“I’m sure you’ll find all that out when you meet him. I think it will be a valuable experience for you.”
“Yeah, totally. Well thanks for the good news,” Craig said and eyed the door.
“How are your classes going so far?”
“Not too bad. I’m nervous about getting my science test back,” he admitted. Craig was surprised by how hard the painkillers had hit him and knocked him down for almost the whole weekend. Joey was convinced by the whole he caught a bug scenario once he saw how Craig was late to climb out of bed, even for a weekend, and decided to lounge on the couch on Saturday night. He spent most of the time recovering and could care less about studying.
“You are doing exceptionally well in your English and artistic related courses, I noticed.”
Craig felt uneasy hearing that; was she keeping an eye on him? Sometimes he worried what was said in the teacher’s lounge. Especially when he returned back to school after things like his father’s death. “Yeah. I like those classes. I mean, if you can’t get an A in art, you shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house without adult supervision.”
“How are things outside of school?”
“Good!”
“Some of your friends are concerned about you,” Ms. Sauvé said and carefully watched Craig’s face.
“What? Concerned about what?”
“Are you surprised by this?”
“What did they say?”
“Anything you say to me is confidential. I won’t have to inform authorities unless if you make threats to harm yourself or another person,” She reminded, hoping it would be a push.
He almost wanted to say it. He called it partying. But there was the times it wasn’t and he knew what people thought about folks who popped pills and nearly lost their kid sister in a mall or got drunk in their closet before school. He hated it in him too sometimes. And there was only one way to dull that.
“I know. Um, but I’m okay. I don’t know who would say that I’m not. Who said that?”
“I can’t break that confidentiality, Craig.”
“Yeah, okay,” Craig said and blankly stared at the wall as he tried to wrap his head around this. “It’s not a big deal, I guess. I mean they are always thinking that I’m a mess because of my dad or whatever. So I’m sure that’s it. But I’m doing fine now.”
“Okay. But if you ever feel like you aren’t, you are welcome to stop by anytime.”
“I know. Well, thanks for the news about my internship. I’m excited for it,” Craig declared with a smile and started for the door now. “I’ll see you around school.”
He was sure she said goodbye but he didn’t hear it. The blood was pounding in his ears and he was sure his face was turning red with anger. He could barely focus enough to stuff his textbooks into his backpack. He slammed his locker shut with a satisfying clang and went to look for them, feeling like he was hunting someone down. It had to be Ashley, Sean, or Ellie. It only made sense. Who else would make a big deal over this? Who else cared? He zoomed in on them sitting outside on campus.
“Who was it?” Craig demanded as soon as he approached his friends at the picnic table. “Who told her?”
Craig watched as they refused to answer. His angry gaze moved over each of them and he watched as they kept their head down, not even glancing at each other.
“You just found out about your music industry internship, right?” Craig said to Ashley. “That just happened. Ms. Sauvé pulled you out of homeroom. You went to her office and just casually brought me up, didn’t you? How could you do that to me?”
“And you told me that you pop in to talk to her…you brought me up, didn’t you?” Craig claimed of Ellie. He barely paused between accusations, not letting them get in a few words to explain.
“You promised me that you wouldn’t tell,” Craig angrily stated, his eyes burning into his friend Sean. “You told Ashley about what happened. Or did you?”
Sean watched as Ellie started snapping her rubber bracelets. He had to say something now. “I said I wouldn’t rat you out to Joey. But I thought about it. And yeah, you are our friend, we are going to talk about it. You were out of it.”
“Screw you. I would never do that to you. Like if it was something that could jeopardize your student welfare. And you ratted me out.”
“Are you in trouble for anything?”
Craig took a sharp breath and looked away. “No. We didn’t get into it.”
“So what’s your problem?” Sean snapped back. The guy was afraid they’d make him stop, wasn’t he?
“I just don’t like how you are talking about me behind my back, to each other, to Sauvé of all people. And not to me.”
“Who do you think we were waiting for, Craig?” Ashley finally spoke up, frustrated.
The anger melted away some and for a brief moment he felt ashamed of the scene he was making. He wouldn’t let that give in; he didn’t know how he’d react to dealing with the embarrassment. He let the anger flame up again. “You totally blindsided me. She said your friends are concerned. My God, did you all go in together?”
‘It didn’t happen like that at all.”
“How did it happen then?” Craig said and noticed that he was almost yelling. He had to, he couldn’t even hear. His heart was pounding and he was sure he couldn’t breath, not around them. He was shaking his head now, unaware if they were even speaking to him. He turned quickly and began to stalk off, muttering “I can’t be around you right now.”
“That went well,” Ellie dejectedly said.
Craig avoided his friends the next day in school. He let the past few days roll around in his head, kicking up different emotions. There was anger and he wanted to punish them for almost turning him in. He couldn’t believe they didn’t come to him first, ask him about what was going on, and instead headed to Sauvé. The whole thing made him jumpy, itchy on the inside as he tried not to think about TV show’s on addiction. Shows where families and friends came together to remind you of how you are a mess and something that needed to be fixed.
Maybe he was that much of a mess. He was made up of this jumbled past, a past that had jagged edges and felt like it was cutting into him as he recalled it. Ashley, Sean, and Ellie didn’t have that. Or if they did it wasn’t like this. If they had any idea, they wouldn’t wonder why sometimes he had to get away.
Then it would dip down into that loneliness that was always there. The void was just easier to fill sometimes, cushioned by substances or the realization that for once things were normal. He didn’t want to lose them like he lost everyone else. And maybe, a soft voice whispered in his head, Craig knew that he had to do damage control so there wasn’t anymore ‘concern.’ He wasn’t crashing Sean and Ellie’s housewarming party by any means. He didn’t know if the invitation was still open so he waited, becoming more and more fashionably late as he debated trying to mend bridges or saying screw it and digging into the stash in his room.
Craig was surprised to be greeted by the sight of a few of Sean and Jay’s shop class crew slamming car doors and the sound of engines starting. They were leaving? Already? Inside, he was surprised by the lack of music and smaller crowd.
“Oh I cannot deal with anymore drama today,” Sean snapped at the sight of Craig.
“Okay. I deserved that. I freaked out. I’m sorry,” Craig said and glanced over their faces. Sean would meet his gaze now but Ashley was still avoiding looking him in the eye. “Where’s Ellie? I wanted to apologize. I am so sorry for putting you guys through that, especially her when she’s been dealing with her mom’s drinking.”
“She’s not here. Mrs. Nash showed up, made a scene, and took her home.”
Craig stared at the floor. “Can I stop by maybe? Apologize?”
“Why are you asking me for permission? I’m not her father,” Sean snapped.
“Yeah, I don’t know why I said that,” Craig quickly replied, flustered. It made sense at the time, this was his best friend and it was his girlfriend. He sensed he was protective over her lately. Then he saw Sean’s expression soften some.
“I don’t know if now is a good time. I have a feeling they are having it out. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think it should be between El and her mom,” Sean replied, kinder now.
“It was all just terrible timing.“ He didn’t know else to explain it. He was aware of Mrs. Nash’s drinking problem and the toll it took on Ellie, even though it was something that was sort of left unsaid in the group unless if something had just happened. It was rare for Ellie to break down and actually talk about it though. That was how Nash was. That was how they handled a lot of the personal confessions that would happen late at night. They let them happen and then let it go, always seeing more of them than their weird family situations. He couldn’t help but wonder why they weren’t letting this go.
“Shit. Look, I am so sorry. I know her mom’s been getting worse and she shouldn’t have had to deal with me like that. You probably saw your parents in me too,” Craig said and blushed some. There was this nagging, though; he wished he could be high for this. At the time of being incredibly numb and off in his oxy head space, he didn’t care what he looked like in front of Sean or Ellie. Now it sort of shamed him a little. It was never fun to be around sober people who would remember it the next day.
Sean shrugged in response. “You might want to watch what you are doing.”
He wanted to say that he knew what he was doing. Instead Craig said “I promise I’m going to make it up to you guys.”
“There’s just one thing you have to do,” Ashley said, finally looking him in the eye and got a huge smile back in return.
“What’s that? Consider it done.”
“Stop with the pills. And lay off the drinking.”
Craig’s breath caught in his throat. They didn’t know what it was like, how things got too fast and he had to slow them down. Or how sometimes he needed something to bring him up a few notches and mellow him out, just so he could walk around like a normal human being. And who were they to say when their summers were frequently tainted with alcohol?
“You lost your kid sister in a mall because you were high,” Sean encouraged.
“I never meant to hurt anyone. I swear I didn‘t mean for any of that to end up that way. I didn‘t plan…to baby sit her like that. There‘s never a plan, really.”
“How often is it going on? Do you get that high often?”
“I’ve never taken that much before. No. No! I don’t do it that often,” Craig replied with a smile and noticed how carefully Ashley was watching him. Her eyes would move over his fidgeting hands and face, lingering on his eyes like she was searching for something. “Just please don’t be mad at me.”
“We’re not mad. But come on, if you can stop, stop. Show that you can.”
Craig laughed a little nervously. It was like a test? Did he have to go a certain while to prove he passed? Plan it cool, he urged himself, show them that it‘s not a big deal. “Okay. If that’s what you guys want. I‘ll stop because that‘s what you want.”