What Was Left Unsaid: Policy of Truth Part 2
What Was Left Unsaid Chapter Index
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Joey, Caitlin, social worker Robert. Craig, Ashley, Ellie & Sean friendship.
Brief summary of this chapter: Craig faces the consequences after throwing a party at Joey's and drinking himself into a stupor that lead to the ambulance arriving.
27: Policy of Truth Part 2
“My appetite is finally back,” Craig announced as he sat down next to Ashley, across from Sean, who was next to Ellie. He was still feeling the awkwardness at Degrassi even after he‘d been back a few days. There was something comforting in joining his friends at the table that was damn near reserved for them in the caf but something itched underneath the surface. His friends had been distant with him lately. He hoped it was in his head. So he started to ramble. “Extra Shelia sauce, extra fries. This is probably the best meal I’ve ever had. It’s been like a week long hangover I swear. Finally I’m at the stage where fried food fixes everything.”
Craig glanced around the table. No one was looking at him. Ellie, Ashley, and Sean hadn’t spoken of what happened that night since Ash had called them up the morning after and reassured them that Craig would be okay. And that was that. They were silent with their thoughts.
“I was so wobbly there for awhile,” Craig continued.
Ellie made eye contact and almost said it; why was he talking like he had a hangover? He was in the hospital. She shut her mouth and gave a few stabs to the strange meat the caf featured that day. Craig noticed her gaze and decided to try
“So, Caitlin is back at CQJH. Are you working together on anything?” Craig asked of Ellie’s internship.
“Yeah, I just got assigned to helping out with her big project on HIV/AIDS,” Ellie replied, feeling like she was giving an answer to a teacher in class.
“That’s awesome!” Craig said, a little too energetically. He couldn’t help it. Things felt different after he returned to school. He wasn’t sure who knew what or how much. Craig also didn’t know how much to say; he told Marco and Spinner that they might want to come by the garage and pick up their instruments. Grounded, he explained. It was like they were waiting for more. So he told them Joey found out about the party and left it at that.
Craig’s watched as Jay approached and sat down next to Sean, mumbling something about shop class and they tossed technical car terms that he didn‘t understand back and forth.
“Hey guys, I’ve got to take off and catch up on some stuff for shop. Talk to you later,” Sean declared, getting to his feet. Jay gave Craig a small a nod before taking off, which confused him. He wasn’t used to him even acknowledging him and the faint memory of him at the party crept into his head. He wondered if anyone was going to ever fill in the gaps and tell him what the hell went down.
“So I was thinking about our media immersion project last night,” Ellie mentioned to Ashley. “I did some sketches for what I thought we could use for the flash animation for the intro to the site. If you want to take a look.”
“This is exactly what I had in mind,” Ashley commented on Ellie’s sketchbook. “Maybe after school we can experiment some with what kind of music we want playing alongside it.”
“An Ashley Kerwin original, nice.”
Ashley glanced over at Craig, who seemed awfully interested in his lunch. “We have to design a website for Simpson’s class. So we’re doing this e-zine type thing. I’m doing more the local art and music scene while Nash is about the issues.”
“Sounds great. It sounds like something you guys would do.” Craig said and felt himself drifting off again. He had to do that, almost for protection lately. Conversations kept happening all around him that he was there, but not a part of. It was so strange how over a week ago he was the one dominating the conversation with his plans for the party.
Ashley glanced over at Craig again. They were excluding him. “Know anything about CSS? It’s kicking our asses.”
“What?”
“CSS. Style sheets.”
“Um, no. I think I’m in like the media immersion for flunkies and those who are otherwise technologically challenged.”
“I appreciate that you type less code but that doesn’t mean that it does what I want it to,” Ellie sighed.
“Um, Ash, can we talk?” Craig finally piped up.
Ashley hesitated. “Yeah. Of course.” Craig didn’t see the look she shot Ellie before exiting the cafeteria. Ellie’s eyes seemed to reply back “You have to tell him.”
Craig wandered down the hall, peeking into classrooms and took Ashley’s hand and pulled her into an empty one. “It’s like I haven’t seen you in a week,” he commented and went in for a kiss.
“I’ve been calling you but I always get voice mail,” Ashley explained.
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. Our last conversation.”
“Hey. Hey, Ash. I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay. Man, I don’t even know what all happened,” Craig rambled into his cell phone. It was the first thing he went for the moment he got home.
“It’s so good to hear your voice,” Ashley greeted.
“These past few days have been so crazy. So crazy.”
“Are you at home now?”
“Yeah. They kept talking about treatment, Ash. Like locked up. I haven’t seen my social worker in over six months and suddenly he’s back and talking about psychiatric wards and rehab.”
“Are you staying at home?”
“I guess. I have to meet with Raditch tomorrow with Joey. They were going to suspend…”
“Craig. Give me the phone,” Joey interrupted.
“It’s Ashley,” Craig explained.
“Give me the phone.”
Craig was stunned by Joey’s ’I mean business’ tone. He blinked a few times, clicked off the phone without saying goodbye, and handed it over.
“I want your car keys too. I’ll drop you off at school and make sure you have someone I know bringing you down to the car lot,” Joey informed and watched as Craig quickly grabbed his car keys off his desk and handed them over. Craig simply nodded in agreement. This felt new. He’d been grounded before but Joey had never seemed this stern.
“Joey sounded serious. I’m not used to a serious Joey,” Ashley remarked as she recalled his tone over the phone. She played with her necklace, wondering if he disliked her now.
“He is. Everything has been…intense…really intense. It’s so strange how about a week ago we were planning the party. You spent the night…” Craig said, his words slowing down and his mouth smiling softly as he reminded her. They were so happy, so in sync. Ashley pulled his hand away from her torso and broke away before he could kiss her again.
“I…my parents think we should take a break,” Ashley said, remembering arguing with her mother the morning after the party.
The first part of the punishment came from her stepbrother. She still felt something in her stomach when she thought about the look Toby gave her when she arrived home at that awkward time of the morning when it wasn‘t quite night or morning and it confused the birds. She was at the bathroom sink, cleaning the running mascara and eye shadow from her cheeks.
“Is Craig okay?“ Toby asked from the doorway.
“No. I mean, yeah, he’s going to be fine.“
“Are you okay?“
Ashley hesitated and then picked her boots up off the floor. “Yes. I don’t know.”
She had glanced at him as he passed him and saw the surprise and disappointment on his face.
Then there was the morning after. Toby hadn’t emerged from his room yet, afraid of the meltdown that was inevitable. Ashley sat at the kitchen table, feeling her mother’s cold gaze. She was sure he looked how she felt, disheveled in her pajamas and her hair styled for the party the night before a mess.
“Ashley, I’m really concerned about the direction you are taking your life,” Kate said.
“Everything just blew up. I don’t think he meant for the party to be that huge, that much of a disaster,” Ashley fumbled for words. It was like this when they confronted her about that night that went crazy when she took ecstasy.
“What were you thinking? Spending the night with him; did you think you were playing house? Dressing up and throwing a party like you think you are adults?”
Ashley stared at the kitchen table. Her stepfather hadn’t said much to her since they returned home. That might be worse than the lecture her mother was giving her. “I’m sorry Mom. We got carried away.”
“I think you and Craig need to take a break.”
“No. I don’t want to.”
“All of his choices are affecting you. He’s an extremely negative influence at this time.”
“He needs me. You know about his father, how he used to treat him and then how he died. And his mom,” Ashley tried to reason.
“Those are all issues that have nothing to do with you. You can’t fix him. Right now the most that you can give Craig is to show him that there are consequences for his actions, that he will lose people in his life if he continues to abuse drugs and alcohol.”
“But…she was nice to me in the hospital. Joey told me she was there. So she must care. Why is she trying to separate us?” Craig questioned, confused.
“She’s scared, Craig. For you and…she had no clue that I drink sometimes. She seemed so disappointed,” Ashley sighed and then continued, “She’s worried that you…might have bigger issues. That you need to sort out. Before…we can see each other again.”
Craig looked down at the floor, never feeling any less awkward when someone expressed concern about his ‘issues.’ Everything was slipping away and his head was whirling with panic.
“You were so sick. It was so scary that night,” Ashley had to say. “You weren’t even yourself for awhile there. And then you just passed out. We couldn’t wake you up. And the hospital…”
“I wish you didn’t see me like that. Please don’t remember me like that,” Craig pleaded and hoped she didn’t see him when he was in ER with a tube down his throat so he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit. The look on her face only deepened his shame. She looked so sad…for him.
“I’m so worried about you. We’re all here for you, you know.”
“The way everyone is talking is freaking me out! I just want things back the way they were. I keep trying to fix things or think of a way to fix it and it’s just…” He felt so stuck. “I can’t do this alone.”
“I know. And you don’t have to. I’m here. I’ll see you in school. We can email, pass notes. We just…need to take a break.”
“Who are you going to date?” Craig sharply asked. He looked down and saw that his hands were shaking. People were taking everything away.
“What? No one. I don’t know. I haven’t even thought about that.”
Craig shook his head. He couldn’t focus, thoughts bouncing off the walls. He wasn’t sure he was even there. This all had to be a bad dream. He shook his head. He wasn‘t sure what he was even rejecting. “No.”
“What do you want me to do?” Ashley demanded, not feeling like a friend to him at all. Maybe she should have talked to Joey about what was going on. Prevented it all. Or said something to get him to wake up, to stop.
“I want you to keep seeing me. We could make it work.”
“How? My parents think we should take a break. And you said Joey is cracking down and you won’t be going out. What would we do?”
“I don’t know. Sneak out?”
“No,” she replied and hesitated for a moment. “I don’t want to lie to my mom and you can’t keep lying to Joey.”
“What? No, it’s not lying. It’s just stuff he doesn’t know,“ Craig softly argued with a smile on his face. He saw her face fall more and his smile faded and brow creased, concerned. It did make sense in a way. “We used to sneak out before.”
Ashley glanced at the door as the bell rang. “I can’t. We can’t do that. Things are different now.”
“This is all changing way too fast,” Craig managed to say, feeling like he was about to start hyperventilating.
“I’m sorry. I…have to go,” Ashley ran her fingers through the hair on back of his head, maybe one last time, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. “You take care of yourself.”
“How are you doing?” Caitlin asked from the doorway. Craig hadn’t even looked up when she lightly knocked and opened the door. He did stop the rocking at the sound of her voice.
“Hmmm? Oh it’s…you know…okay,” Craig replied.
Caitlin hesitated by the door frame, watching as Craig refused to look at her. The awkwardness seemed to increase by the second.
“How was school?” she asked and moved deeper into the teen’s bedroom, eventually sitting down beside him on the bed.
“Weird. I mean, everyone is kind of like Joey. They don’t want to talk to me.”
“It’s not that they don’t care, Craig. What you did was pretty scary. People have reactions to that.”
“Ashley broke up with me,” Craig blurted out and grabbed at his knees, squeezing them tight. If anyone knew how wrong it was to feel this way, they wouldn’t ask him to stay this way. He just had to get away. It nearly made him panic when he realized that he had no where to go; they took that away from him.
“Craig, I’m sorry. It’s not the end. I’m sure over time and you prove that you can stay sober…”
“Why is everyone talking to me like this?’
Caitlin looked over the teenager. His shaking hands. She gently reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. “How are you feeling? Physically I mean? Sick still?”
“Uh, no. Not really. I just feel really jumpy on the inside.”
“You are shaking,” Caitlin commented, unable to stop looking for symptoms of withdrawal. “Dinners almost ready. Want to come down?”
“Sure,” he agreed and followed Caitlin down. Craig wasn’t surprised by Joey not acknowledging his presence. At least there was a place set for him at the kitchen table. He sank down into a chair and kept his gaze on the table; the kitschy pattern on the napkins, how Angie’s juice cup didn’t match the tall kitchen glasses.
“How was work Joey?” Craig asked, dishing up some mashed potatoes and then passing the dish onto Caitlin. He gave a quick smile to his stepfather across the table.
“I don’t want green beans,” Angie complained as her father spooned the vegetable onto her plate.
“Veggies do a body good. Eat up kiddo,” Joey replied to one child.
“Uh, could you pass the milk…Joey?” Craig asked after several moments of uncomfortable silence.
Caitlin watched as her boyfriend fluffed his mashed potatoes with a fork and took several bites. He didn’t even glance at the container of milk to his left.
“Joey?” Craig prompted.
Caitlin set her fork down and watched as Joey continued the silent treatment, taking extra long to chew his food and swallow.
“What did I say about the beans, Angela?” Joey encouraged.
At that Caitlin stood up, circled the table to pick up the milk, and handed it to Joey’s teenage stepson.
“Thanks,” Craig said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Caitlin glared at Joey as she returned to her meal. This was his solution? Then she saw some flicker in his eyes. It was soft; maybe compassion or guilt. But then he gave her a shrug in response, the kind of shrug that suggested ‘well, what do you expect?’ She glanced over at his stepson, hunched over his food and not looking up.
Craig picked at his food; smashing the meat loaf under his fork and then turning the potatoes over. It took force of will to get him to actually put it in his mouth, chew, and then swallow. His stomach ached. He felt his head growing a bit light as the memory slowly spilled in, overflowing this moment. It was like how it used to be at his Dad’s during meals. The tension thick and him unsure of what words he could say. Don’t make him mad, his brain would warn. Just get through this. Craig glanced around the room; Angie playing with her mashed potatoes instead of eating them, the woman who was the closest thing he‘d had to a mother as of late, and Joey. Joey. He was at Joey’s and he felt like he was at his father’s.
“Can I be excused?” Craig spoke up.
Caitlin glanced at the teenager’s barely touched plate of food, at Joey, then back at Craig. “Sure. I can bring you up something later,” she offered but Craig was gone. She heard him up the stairs now.
“Are you and Craig fighting?” Angie questioned, looking up at her father.
“No,” Joey quickly replied.
“Then why aren’t you talking?”
“How long are you going to keep this up?” Caitlin questioned as she put the last dish in the cupboard. “The silent treatment? Do you really think that’s going to help him?”
“Look, I just can’t stand him…it…right now.”
“Then why did you bring him home?”
“That was before I knew the whole story. That was before I knew he was lying like crazy through his lying teeth and had a mini bar in his bedroom. That was before I found out he clearly thinks of me as an idiot,” Joey gripped as he entered the living room. He clicked on the TV and surfed through several channels.
“Joey,” Caitlin prompted and clicked off the TV set. “You can’t just ignore what’s happening. If he really drank all that liquor you found in his room and the pills are all his, he needs help.”
Joey sighed, still feeling the sting of betrayal. He trusted Craig. He knew he wasn‘t seeing the bigger picture but he felt too hurt. “Well, he’s going to get evaluated by a substance abuse counselor. Robert gave me a list of referrals.”
Craig listened intently from the top of the stairs, crouched down and clutching his knees anxiously. Things were moving way too fast. It was all out of control. He began to rock back and forth.
“I know this is hard to consider but I think you should think about the residential program at the hospital,” Caitlin encouraged as she looked over the forms and brochures they brought home from the hospital.
Craig found himself on his feet and descending the stairs when he heard that. “You can’t come home and just want to send me away.”
“Don’t think about it that way. We wouldn’t be sending you away. It’s to help.”
“Why should you have any say? You aren’t my mom. You haven’t even been around!”
“Don’t speak like that to Caitlin,” Joey reprimanded. “Who are you lately?”
Craig felt himself slipping into that place, the mental space that scared the living hell out of him. Before he was able to control himself, keep playing what was starting to feel like a role; he was fine, he was sorry, he didn’t know what he was doing. At this point the lies felt like the truth and the truth felt like lies and right now all he wanted was to get out of there. “I…I need to get out of here.”
“Oh no. You aren’t going anywhere. You need to sit down and finally face up to what you did.”
Caitlin hadn’t moved or said a word. She racked her brain for a way to control this situation because she had a feeling the fight was about to get ugly. Craig and Joey had too much they that hadn’t said to each other and it was about to all spill out.
“Do you think this is all a game?” Joey couldn’t help but angrily question as Craig sank down onto the couch after some hesitation like he was debating to run up to his room or out the front door.
“A game?” Craig replied, still a little slow. Then the anger was in him as well. People thought that he didn‘t know what he did, that he didn‘t realize that the drinks and drugs were shredding his life apart. They didn‘t realize that he felt it the most, that voice that whispered he had nothing left. “Yes Joey, I think that it’s all a big game.”
“Well with the choices you are making lately it sure seems like you think you have a few lives stashed away some where. We went through this once already with the pills. What don’t you understand?”
“What don’t you understand? I’m tired of thinking about my parents, missing my parents, hating my parents. I’m tired of remembering. I want to go away. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. All that I care about is never feeling that way again. If I have to cut off my own foot to take my mind off it, so be it. All that matters is shutting all this off,” Craig explained and Joey could see the determination in his stepson’s eyes.
Joey shook his head sadly. “Oh my God. Who are you? What happened to you?”
“Oh please. Maybe I’m the same mess I’ve always been. Like you had any idea of who I was before you took me in. You didn’t care who I was before I came to stay here. All you cared about was taking my mother away.”
Caitlin gasped at that. She watched the emotions flow through Joey’s face and she actually put a hand on his arm, afraid of the two males getting too close to one another. Craig’s comment was coming from a familiar place, a voice Joey had heard before and it wasn’t Craig’s. Albert Manning. Joey started the feverish pacing again, the past nipping at his heels. Julia. Albert. Manning. Craig. He took this kid in and was trying to be the father, trying to have control in this situation. Trying to know what he should do. He was failing at this, the father thing.
Craig wasn’t sure how long he could keep it together. Each day it seemed like he lost something, someone. And to think that a week ago he thought that he had it all, girlfriend spending the night with no parents. He had never felt such a connection with her before…and now it was all gone. His friends and Joey seemed like they hated him. He really couldn’t blame them. He ruined their night and the party left Joey’s house a mess, his mother’s vase shattered and the rug stained with vomit.
“You never would have pulled a stunt like this if you were living with your dad. I don’t get it,” Joey gripped, stopping the pacing to stare down at his stepson. He immediately regretted it when he saw the look on Craig’s face. He looked like he had been slapped.
“Wow,” Craig mumbled. “Thanks for throwing that in my face.”
“No, Craig…I didn’t mean it like that,” Joey tried to explain, feeling a break in his rage. What he meant was that he worried Craig didn’t respect him as a father figure.
“So you think that a person like me needs that, huh? To be smacked around on a regular basis? Maybe you are right,” Craig sharply said and stood up.
Joey simply shook his head. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he repeated and watched as Craig took a few steps closer to him.
“Go ahead. I wouldn’t blame you. Look at what I did to your house. Come on. Hit me,” Craig angrily encouraged, his tone intense but he wasn’t yelling. Not yet. He was close enough to his step dad that their chests almost touched. Craig stared down at him, his gaze unblinking. “Hit me.”
“You need to back up right now.”
Joey’s tone was gruff, dominating as he was trying to take back control of the situation. But Craig didn’t fully understand and the situation felt disconnected. He tried to put it back together and realized he was feeling that fear. That fear that he did something wrong. It was prickly and sharp, like the wind on the coldest winter day. He did something wrong so he should be hit.
“I need…out,” Craig mumbled, quickly moving for the door.
“No. You need to stay here,” Joey demanded. Lack of control again. He didn’t feel like a father and had no idea what to do. He reached for Craig, maybe using too much force as he grabbed his arm.
Craig whirled around and shoved his stepfather, not as hard as he was capable of but strong enough to send a message. “Get your hands off me.”
Joey was stunned. He could see that look in Craig’s eyes. He hadn’t seen it since first taking him in. It was that trapped, wild animal look. “Craig, it’s me. Joey. I’m not your dad.”
It must be that fight or flight thing. That had to be where Craig was going mentally. Or else whatever insanity that lived in his dad lived in him too, flowing hard through his veins. Joey saw it too. He knew he did. Just let go, some sensation whispered to him. Craig angrily whirled around and struck the wall. He felt the plaster crumbled under his fist. His breath came in sharp and things felt different now. He almost asked out loud; where did I go?
“Craig!” Caitlin yelled at him.
“What is going on with you? Is it the drugs and alcohol?” Joey demanded. “How could I let this happen to you?”
Joey kept saying those same three questions. He heard when he went through his room and found out all the things he’d secretly been doing. “I don’t know what’s going on!” Craig said then bitterly, “You didn’t do anything. I did this all on my own.”
He wasn’t sure he was even breathing at this point. Joey’s heart pounded and he hated to admit but he was afraid. “Go to your room now,” Joey demanded and hoped that his strong “dad” tone didn’t sound as fake as it felt.
“Oh my God,” he breathed to Caitlin after Craig was out of earshot. “What just happened here?”
Craig was wondering the same thing, pacing in his room. Focus, focus, he told himself but only fragments of what just happened were rippling through his brain. If Joey didn’t hate him before, he certainly did now. He rubbed at his chest, heart pounding hard and his lungs not filling with air. He couldn’t breathe in here.
“I can’t do this,” Craig decided and pulled the backpack with clothes out from under his bed. There was no way he could fix the mess he was making here. His frantic thoughts kept coming back to one thing: run.
Author’s Note: I did some googling on the legal and medical consequences Craig might face and this is as close to accurate as I can get. I’m not sure of Toronto’s individual laws. I’ve also never had alcohol poisoning, thankfully, but I do know that they rarely pump the stomach or give activated charcoal since whatever you drank is already in your system. Hopefully this all came across as fairly realistic.
Shout out to my buddy Joa (lalatina15) again for offering suggestions when I’m stuck and just in general encouraging Craig’s bad behavior (wink wink). Evie’s coming back next chapter! Much thanks again to everyone who leaves a review and encourages me on.
Long chapter is long. There might a few bloopers here and there but I’m getting a bit tired of this and calling it good. I tend to hop around the different “sections” and I hope I finished everything I was going to. Hopefully the next chapter will be up quicker than this since a good chunk of it is already written.
Song title credit: Policy of Truth by Depeche Mode.
Main characters and pairings featured in this chapter: Craig, Joey, Caitlin, social worker Robert. Craig, Ashley, Ellie & Sean friendship.
Brief summary of this chapter: Craig faces the consequences after throwing a party at Joey's and drinking himself into a stupor that lead to the ambulance arriving.
27: Policy of Truth Part 2
“My appetite is finally back,” Craig announced as he sat down next to Ashley, across from Sean, who was next to Ellie. He was still feeling the awkwardness at Degrassi even after he‘d been back a few days. There was something comforting in joining his friends at the table that was damn near reserved for them in the caf but something itched underneath the surface. His friends had been distant with him lately. He hoped it was in his head. So he started to ramble. “Extra Shelia sauce, extra fries. This is probably the best meal I’ve ever had. It’s been like a week long hangover I swear. Finally I’m at the stage where fried food fixes everything.”
Craig glanced around the table. No one was looking at him. Ellie, Ashley, and Sean hadn’t spoken of what happened that night since Ash had called them up the morning after and reassured them that Craig would be okay. And that was that. They were silent with their thoughts.
“I was so wobbly there for awhile,” Craig continued.
Ellie made eye contact and almost said it; why was he talking like he had a hangover? He was in the hospital. She shut her mouth and gave a few stabs to the strange meat the caf featured that day. Craig noticed her gaze and decided to try
“So, Caitlin is back at CQJH. Are you working together on anything?” Craig asked of Ellie’s internship.
“Yeah, I just got assigned to helping out with her big project on HIV/AIDS,” Ellie replied, feeling like she was giving an answer to a teacher in class.
“That’s awesome!” Craig said, a little too energetically. He couldn’t help it. Things felt different after he returned to school. He wasn’t sure who knew what or how much. Craig also didn’t know how much to say; he told Marco and Spinner that they might want to come by the garage and pick up their instruments. Grounded, he explained. It was like they were waiting for more. So he told them Joey found out about the party and left it at that.
Craig’s watched as Jay approached and sat down next to Sean, mumbling something about shop class and they tossed technical car terms that he didn‘t understand back and forth.
“Hey guys, I’ve got to take off and catch up on some stuff for shop. Talk to you later,” Sean declared, getting to his feet. Jay gave Craig a small a nod before taking off, which confused him. He wasn’t used to him even acknowledging him and the faint memory of him at the party crept into his head. He wondered if anyone was going to ever fill in the gaps and tell him what the hell went down.
“So I was thinking about our media immersion project last night,” Ellie mentioned to Ashley. “I did some sketches for what I thought we could use for the flash animation for the intro to the site. If you want to take a look.”
“This is exactly what I had in mind,” Ashley commented on Ellie’s sketchbook. “Maybe after school we can experiment some with what kind of music we want playing alongside it.”
“An Ashley Kerwin original, nice.”
Ashley glanced over at Craig, who seemed awfully interested in his lunch. “We have to design a website for Simpson’s class. So we’re doing this e-zine type thing. I’m doing more the local art and music scene while Nash is about the issues.”
“Sounds great. It sounds like something you guys would do.” Craig said and felt himself drifting off again. He had to do that, almost for protection lately. Conversations kept happening all around him that he was there, but not a part of. It was so strange how over a week ago he was the one dominating the conversation with his plans for the party.
Ashley glanced over at Craig again. They were excluding him. “Know anything about CSS? It’s kicking our asses.”
“What?”
“CSS. Style sheets.”
“Um, no. I think I’m in like the media immersion for flunkies and those who are otherwise technologically challenged.”
“I appreciate that you type less code but that doesn’t mean that it does what I want it to,” Ellie sighed.
“Um, Ash, can we talk?” Craig finally piped up.
Ashley hesitated. “Yeah. Of course.” Craig didn’t see the look she shot Ellie before exiting the cafeteria. Ellie’s eyes seemed to reply back “You have to tell him.”
Craig wandered down the hall, peeking into classrooms and took Ashley’s hand and pulled her into an empty one. “It’s like I haven’t seen you in a week,” he commented and went in for a kiss.
“I’ve been calling you but I always get voice mail,” Ashley explained.
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. Our last conversation.”
“Hey. Hey, Ash. I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay. Man, I don’t even know what all happened,” Craig rambled into his cell phone. It was the first thing he went for the moment he got home.
“It’s so good to hear your voice,” Ashley greeted.
“These past few days have been so crazy. So crazy.”
“Are you at home now?”
“Yeah. They kept talking about treatment, Ash. Like locked up. I haven’t seen my social worker in over six months and suddenly he’s back and talking about psychiatric wards and rehab.”
“Are you staying at home?”
“I guess. I have to meet with Raditch tomorrow with Joey. They were going to suspend…”
“Craig. Give me the phone,” Joey interrupted.
“It’s Ashley,” Craig explained.
“Give me the phone.”
Craig was stunned by Joey’s ’I mean business’ tone. He blinked a few times, clicked off the phone without saying goodbye, and handed it over.
“I want your car keys too. I’ll drop you off at school and make sure you have someone I know bringing you down to the car lot,” Joey informed and watched as Craig quickly grabbed his car keys off his desk and handed them over. Craig simply nodded in agreement. This felt new. He’d been grounded before but Joey had never seemed this stern.
“Joey sounded serious. I’m not used to a serious Joey,” Ashley remarked as she recalled his tone over the phone. She played with her necklace, wondering if he disliked her now.
“He is. Everything has been…intense…really intense. It’s so strange how about a week ago we were planning the party. You spent the night…” Craig said, his words slowing down and his mouth smiling softly as he reminded her. They were so happy, so in sync. Ashley pulled his hand away from her torso and broke away before he could kiss her again.
“I…my parents think we should take a break,” Ashley said, remembering arguing with her mother the morning after the party.
The first part of the punishment came from her stepbrother. She still felt something in her stomach when she thought about the look Toby gave her when she arrived home at that awkward time of the morning when it wasn‘t quite night or morning and it confused the birds. She was at the bathroom sink, cleaning the running mascara and eye shadow from her cheeks.
“Is Craig okay?“ Toby asked from the doorway.
“No. I mean, yeah, he’s going to be fine.“
“Are you okay?“
Ashley hesitated and then picked her boots up off the floor. “Yes. I don’t know.”
She had glanced at him as he passed him and saw the surprise and disappointment on his face.
Then there was the morning after. Toby hadn’t emerged from his room yet, afraid of the meltdown that was inevitable. Ashley sat at the kitchen table, feeling her mother’s cold gaze. She was sure he looked how she felt, disheveled in her pajamas and her hair styled for the party the night before a mess.
“Ashley, I’m really concerned about the direction you are taking your life,” Kate said.
“Everything just blew up. I don’t think he meant for the party to be that huge, that much of a disaster,” Ashley fumbled for words. It was like this when they confronted her about that night that went crazy when she took ecstasy.
“What were you thinking? Spending the night with him; did you think you were playing house? Dressing up and throwing a party like you think you are adults?”
Ashley stared at the kitchen table. Her stepfather hadn’t said much to her since they returned home. That might be worse than the lecture her mother was giving her. “I’m sorry Mom. We got carried away.”
“I think you and Craig need to take a break.”
“No. I don’t want to.”
“All of his choices are affecting you. He’s an extremely negative influence at this time.”
“He needs me. You know about his father, how he used to treat him and then how he died. And his mom,” Ashley tried to reason.
“Those are all issues that have nothing to do with you. You can’t fix him. Right now the most that you can give Craig is to show him that there are consequences for his actions, that he will lose people in his life if he continues to abuse drugs and alcohol.”
“But…she was nice to me in the hospital. Joey told me she was there. So she must care. Why is she trying to separate us?” Craig questioned, confused.
“She’s scared, Craig. For you and…she had no clue that I drink sometimes. She seemed so disappointed,” Ashley sighed and then continued, “She’s worried that you…might have bigger issues. That you need to sort out. Before…we can see each other again.”
Craig looked down at the floor, never feeling any less awkward when someone expressed concern about his ‘issues.’ Everything was slipping away and his head was whirling with panic.
“You were so sick. It was so scary that night,” Ashley had to say. “You weren’t even yourself for awhile there. And then you just passed out. We couldn’t wake you up. And the hospital…”
“I wish you didn’t see me like that. Please don’t remember me like that,” Craig pleaded and hoped she didn’t see him when he was in ER with a tube down his throat so he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit. The look on her face only deepened his shame. She looked so sad…for him.
“I’m so worried about you. We’re all here for you, you know.”
“The way everyone is talking is freaking me out! I just want things back the way they were. I keep trying to fix things or think of a way to fix it and it’s just…” He felt so stuck. “I can’t do this alone.”
“I know. And you don’t have to. I’m here. I’ll see you in school. We can email, pass notes. We just…need to take a break.”
“Who are you going to date?” Craig sharply asked. He looked down and saw that his hands were shaking. People were taking everything away.
“What? No one. I don’t know. I haven’t even thought about that.”
Craig shook his head. He couldn’t focus, thoughts bouncing off the walls. He wasn’t sure he was even there. This all had to be a bad dream. He shook his head. He wasn‘t sure what he was even rejecting. “No.”
“What do you want me to do?” Ashley demanded, not feeling like a friend to him at all. Maybe she should have talked to Joey about what was going on. Prevented it all. Or said something to get him to wake up, to stop.
“I want you to keep seeing me. We could make it work.”
“How? My parents think we should take a break. And you said Joey is cracking down and you won’t be going out. What would we do?”
“I don’t know. Sneak out?”
“No,” she replied and hesitated for a moment. “I don’t want to lie to my mom and you can’t keep lying to Joey.”
“What? No, it’s not lying. It’s just stuff he doesn’t know,“ Craig softly argued with a smile on his face. He saw her face fall more and his smile faded and brow creased, concerned. It did make sense in a way. “We used to sneak out before.”
Ashley glanced at the door as the bell rang. “I can’t. We can’t do that. Things are different now.”
“This is all changing way too fast,” Craig managed to say, feeling like he was about to start hyperventilating.
“I’m sorry. I…have to go,” Ashley ran her fingers through the hair on back of his head, maybe one last time, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. “You take care of yourself.”
“How are you doing?” Caitlin asked from the doorway. Craig hadn’t even looked up when she lightly knocked and opened the door. He did stop the rocking at the sound of her voice.
“Hmmm? Oh it’s…you know…okay,” Craig replied.
Caitlin hesitated by the door frame, watching as Craig refused to look at her. The awkwardness seemed to increase by the second.
“How was school?” she asked and moved deeper into the teen’s bedroom, eventually sitting down beside him on the bed.
“Weird. I mean, everyone is kind of like Joey. They don’t want to talk to me.”
“It’s not that they don’t care, Craig. What you did was pretty scary. People have reactions to that.”
“Ashley broke up with me,” Craig blurted out and grabbed at his knees, squeezing them tight. If anyone knew how wrong it was to feel this way, they wouldn’t ask him to stay this way. He just had to get away. It nearly made him panic when he realized that he had no where to go; they took that away from him.
“Craig, I’m sorry. It’s not the end. I’m sure over time and you prove that you can stay sober…”
“Why is everyone talking to me like this?’
Caitlin looked over the teenager. His shaking hands. She gently reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. “How are you feeling? Physically I mean? Sick still?”
“Uh, no. Not really. I just feel really jumpy on the inside.”
“You are shaking,” Caitlin commented, unable to stop looking for symptoms of withdrawal. “Dinners almost ready. Want to come down?”
“Sure,” he agreed and followed Caitlin down. Craig wasn’t surprised by Joey not acknowledging his presence. At least there was a place set for him at the kitchen table. He sank down into a chair and kept his gaze on the table; the kitschy pattern on the napkins, how Angie’s juice cup didn’t match the tall kitchen glasses.
“How was work Joey?” Craig asked, dishing up some mashed potatoes and then passing the dish onto Caitlin. He gave a quick smile to his stepfather across the table.
“I don’t want green beans,” Angie complained as her father spooned the vegetable onto her plate.
“Veggies do a body good. Eat up kiddo,” Joey replied to one child.
“Uh, could you pass the milk…Joey?” Craig asked after several moments of uncomfortable silence.
Caitlin watched as her boyfriend fluffed his mashed potatoes with a fork and took several bites. He didn’t even glance at the container of milk to his left.
“Joey?” Craig prompted.
Caitlin set her fork down and watched as Joey continued the silent treatment, taking extra long to chew his food and swallow.
“What did I say about the beans, Angela?” Joey encouraged.
At that Caitlin stood up, circled the table to pick up the milk, and handed it to Joey’s teenage stepson.
“Thanks,” Craig said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Caitlin glared at Joey as she returned to her meal. This was his solution? Then she saw some flicker in his eyes. It was soft; maybe compassion or guilt. But then he gave her a shrug in response, the kind of shrug that suggested ‘well, what do you expect?’ She glanced over at his stepson, hunched over his food and not looking up.
Craig picked at his food; smashing the meat loaf under his fork and then turning the potatoes over. It took force of will to get him to actually put it in his mouth, chew, and then swallow. His stomach ached. He felt his head growing a bit light as the memory slowly spilled in, overflowing this moment. It was like how it used to be at his Dad’s during meals. The tension thick and him unsure of what words he could say. Don’t make him mad, his brain would warn. Just get through this. Craig glanced around the room; Angie playing with her mashed potatoes instead of eating them, the woman who was the closest thing he‘d had to a mother as of late, and Joey. Joey. He was at Joey’s and he felt like he was at his father’s.
“Can I be excused?” Craig spoke up.
Caitlin glanced at the teenager’s barely touched plate of food, at Joey, then back at Craig. “Sure. I can bring you up something later,” she offered but Craig was gone. She heard him up the stairs now.
“Are you and Craig fighting?” Angie questioned, looking up at her father.
“No,” Joey quickly replied.
“Then why aren’t you talking?”
“How long are you going to keep this up?” Caitlin questioned as she put the last dish in the cupboard. “The silent treatment? Do you really think that’s going to help him?”
“Look, I just can’t stand him…it…right now.”
“Then why did you bring him home?”
“That was before I knew the whole story. That was before I knew he was lying like crazy through his lying teeth and had a mini bar in his bedroom. That was before I found out he clearly thinks of me as an idiot,” Joey gripped as he entered the living room. He clicked on the TV and surfed through several channels.
“Joey,” Caitlin prompted and clicked off the TV set. “You can’t just ignore what’s happening. If he really drank all that liquor you found in his room and the pills are all his, he needs help.”
Joey sighed, still feeling the sting of betrayal. He trusted Craig. He knew he wasn‘t seeing the bigger picture but he felt too hurt. “Well, he’s going to get evaluated by a substance abuse counselor. Robert gave me a list of referrals.”
Craig listened intently from the top of the stairs, crouched down and clutching his knees anxiously. Things were moving way too fast. It was all out of control. He began to rock back and forth.
“I know this is hard to consider but I think you should think about the residential program at the hospital,” Caitlin encouraged as she looked over the forms and brochures they brought home from the hospital.
Craig found himself on his feet and descending the stairs when he heard that. “You can’t come home and just want to send me away.”
“Don’t think about it that way. We wouldn’t be sending you away. It’s to help.”
“Why should you have any say? You aren’t my mom. You haven’t even been around!”
“Don’t speak like that to Caitlin,” Joey reprimanded. “Who are you lately?”
Craig felt himself slipping into that place, the mental space that scared the living hell out of him. Before he was able to control himself, keep playing what was starting to feel like a role; he was fine, he was sorry, he didn’t know what he was doing. At this point the lies felt like the truth and the truth felt like lies and right now all he wanted was to get out of there. “I…I need to get out of here.”
“Oh no. You aren’t going anywhere. You need to sit down and finally face up to what you did.”
Caitlin hadn’t moved or said a word. She racked her brain for a way to control this situation because she had a feeling the fight was about to get ugly. Craig and Joey had too much they that hadn’t said to each other and it was about to all spill out.
“Do you think this is all a game?” Joey couldn’t help but angrily question as Craig sank down onto the couch after some hesitation like he was debating to run up to his room or out the front door.
“A game?” Craig replied, still a little slow. Then the anger was in him as well. People thought that he didn‘t know what he did, that he didn‘t realize that the drinks and drugs were shredding his life apart. They didn‘t realize that he felt it the most, that voice that whispered he had nothing left. “Yes Joey, I think that it’s all a big game.”
“Well with the choices you are making lately it sure seems like you think you have a few lives stashed away some where. We went through this once already with the pills. What don’t you understand?”
“What don’t you understand? I’m tired of thinking about my parents, missing my parents, hating my parents. I’m tired of remembering. I want to go away. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. All that I care about is never feeling that way again. If I have to cut off my own foot to take my mind off it, so be it. All that matters is shutting all this off,” Craig explained and Joey could see the determination in his stepson’s eyes.
Joey shook his head sadly. “Oh my God. Who are you? What happened to you?”
“Oh please. Maybe I’m the same mess I’ve always been. Like you had any idea of who I was before you took me in. You didn’t care who I was before I came to stay here. All you cared about was taking my mother away.”
Caitlin gasped at that. She watched the emotions flow through Joey’s face and she actually put a hand on his arm, afraid of the two males getting too close to one another. Craig’s comment was coming from a familiar place, a voice Joey had heard before and it wasn’t Craig’s. Albert Manning. Joey started the feverish pacing again, the past nipping at his heels. Julia. Albert. Manning. Craig. He took this kid in and was trying to be the father, trying to have control in this situation. Trying to know what he should do. He was failing at this, the father thing.
Craig wasn’t sure how long he could keep it together. Each day it seemed like he lost something, someone. And to think that a week ago he thought that he had it all, girlfriend spending the night with no parents. He had never felt such a connection with her before…and now it was all gone. His friends and Joey seemed like they hated him. He really couldn’t blame them. He ruined their night and the party left Joey’s house a mess, his mother’s vase shattered and the rug stained with vomit.
“You never would have pulled a stunt like this if you were living with your dad. I don’t get it,” Joey gripped, stopping the pacing to stare down at his stepson. He immediately regretted it when he saw the look on Craig’s face. He looked like he had been slapped.
“Wow,” Craig mumbled. “Thanks for throwing that in my face.”
“No, Craig…I didn’t mean it like that,” Joey tried to explain, feeling a break in his rage. What he meant was that he worried Craig didn’t respect him as a father figure.
“So you think that a person like me needs that, huh? To be smacked around on a regular basis? Maybe you are right,” Craig sharply said and stood up.
Joey simply shook his head. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he repeated and watched as Craig took a few steps closer to him.
“Go ahead. I wouldn’t blame you. Look at what I did to your house. Come on. Hit me,” Craig angrily encouraged, his tone intense but he wasn’t yelling. Not yet. He was close enough to his step dad that their chests almost touched. Craig stared down at him, his gaze unblinking. “Hit me.”
“You need to back up right now.”
Joey’s tone was gruff, dominating as he was trying to take back control of the situation. But Craig didn’t fully understand and the situation felt disconnected. He tried to put it back together and realized he was feeling that fear. That fear that he did something wrong. It was prickly and sharp, like the wind on the coldest winter day. He did something wrong so he should be hit.
“I need…out,” Craig mumbled, quickly moving for the door.
“No. You need to stay here,” Joey demanded. Lack of control again. He didn’t feel like a father and had no idea what to do. He reached for Craig, maybe using too much force as he grabbed his arm.
Craig whirled around and shoved his stepfather, not as hard as he was capable of but strong enough to send a message. “Get your hands off me.”
Joey was stunned. He could see that look in Craig’s eyes. He hadn’t seen it since first taking him in. It was that trapped, wild animal look. “Craig, it’s me. Joey. I’m not your dad.”
It must be that fight or flight thing. That had to be where Craig was going mentally. Or else whatever insanity that lived in his dad lived in him too, flowing hard through his veins. Joey saw it too. He knew he did. Just let go, some sensation whispered to him. Craig angrily whirled around and struck the wall. He felt the plaster crumbled under his fist. His breath came in sharp and things felt different now. He almost asked out loud; where did I go?
“Craig!” Caitlin yelled at him.
“What is going on with you? Is it the drugs and alcohol?” Joey demanded. “How could I let this happen to you?”
Joey kept saying those same three questions. He heard when he went through his room and found out all the things he’d secretly been doing. “I don’t know what’s going on!” Craig said then bitterly, “You didn’t do anything. I did this all on my own.”
He wasn’t sure he was even breathing at this point. Joey’s heart pounded and he hated to admit but he was afraid. “Go to your room now,” Joey demanded and hoped that his strong “dad” tone didn’t sound as fake as it felt.
“Oh my God,” he breathed to Caitlin after Craig was out of earshot. “What just happened here?”
Craig was wondering the same thing, pacing in his room. Focus, focus, he told himself but only fragments of what just happened were rippling through his brain. If Joey didn’t hate him before, he certainly did now. He rubbed at his chest, heart pounding hard and his lungs not filling with air. He couldn’t breathe in here.
“I can’t do this,” Craig decided and pulled the backpack with clothes out from under his bed. There was no way he could fix the mess he was making here. His frantic thoughts kept coming back to one thing: run.
Author’s Note: I did some googling on the legal and medical consequences Craig might face and this is as close to accurate as I can get. I’m not sure of Toronto’s individual laws. I’ve also never had alcohol poisoning, thankfully, but I do know that they rarely pump the stomach or give activated charcoal since whatever you drank is already in your system. Hopefully this all came across as fairly realistic.
Shout out to my buddy Joa (lalatina15) again for offering suggestions when I’m stuck and just in general encouraging Craig’s bad behavior (wink wink). Evie’s coming back next chapter! Much thanks again to everyone who leaves a review and encourages me on.
Long chapter is long. There might a few bloopers here and there but I’m getting a bit tired of this and calling it good. I tend to hop around the different “sections” and I hope I finished everything I was going to. Hopefully the next chapter will be up quicker than this since a good chunk of it is already written.
Song title credit: Policy of Truth by Depeche Mode.