Happy January 2005
A new year... It makes me think of what exactly time is. Time is measurement. It's the measurement of the distance we have traveled on this journey called life. Point A (birth) to point Z (death). It's interesting to look back at my life, considering all that I've done, liked, disliked, loved, hated, contemplated, devoured, kissed, hit, or whatever else that have made me to be the person that I am today. It's even more awesome to look back in hindsight at the way Yah has gently (and oftentimes roughly) lead me to Himself.
The following comments and events make up some of who I am this new year of 2005:
I grew up in a "Christian" family. I learned of all the bible stories and how to be a good "Christian" all throughout my childhood life.
I grew up knowing only that I'm Mexican and Native American. We'd go to Mexico to visit family, and I'd go to sunrise dances and ceremonies and powwows with my aunt and uncle.
I always liked girls for as long as I can remember. When I was 4 and 5, I really liked this girl named Isabel. One time we were hiding under her bed from her brother, and I got on top of her and kissed her. It was just a liplock, no tongue. She scratched my face pretty good for it.
One older brother who is 8 years older than me who always played with his older friends, and two older sisters (one who is 2 years older, and the other only 1 year) who I'd play with at home. My mom babysat a total of 7 other girls as well.
My friend Robert Karr and I set about an acre (or more?) of dried grass on fire in 3rd grade, and no one found out I did it until around 5 years later.
At a church camp when I was around 8 yrs old I was told by other guys who were walking behind me that I walk like a girl. After that, I tried my best to figure out how a guy is supposed to walk, and to this day I get very paranoid when people are walking behind me --well, not as much as I used to.
Girls used to chase me. I would go to my sister Raquel for help. She remembers.
My cousin Jordan and I being a bunch of weirdos. We had fun times as a kid on the San Carlos rez.... "the potatoe" haha.
Being the youngest child, I never really got any words out of my mouth. I was always interrupted. We oftentimes had family meetings where I'd sit and listen to everyone talk. I'd stay quiet and to myself, contemplating everything that was being said. I stuttered --possibly because I was afraid to be interrupted; Or I was so used to starting to speak and be cut off, that it became a habbit to cut my ownself off by stuttering.
I played soccer. That was the only time my dad and I realy were able to spend time together. He worked at night, and slept all day.
His father died at the age of 13. My dad was his dad's favorite son. They were very close. I think my dad was afraid of becoming too close to me, cautioning himself (and myself) just in case an accident might happen --as it did with his father-- leaving me hurt as he was.
I subconciously craved that male affection methinks. I never knew it. It wasn't something I had thought about to myself; It must have been something I internally desired yet never realized it.
Elementary School was good. I was one of the normal kids. On a popularity rank of 1-10, I'd say I was a 7. I was liked in school. Except by the "tough older guys".
6th grade I started realizing that I was attracted to guys.
Junior high school was real fun --for the most part. For some reason gangsters were attracted to me. A lot of older gang-members talked to me. I never joined a gang, but we were friends. I was somewhat of a tough guy in junior high. If someone wanted to fight, I was all for it. I liked to start fights as well. I must have developed a slight reputation for liking to fight, because when I'd wanna fight someone, they'd back away...
First real kiss at 11 years of age, one month before turning 12. Her name was Alex, short for Alexandra Alvarado. She was my sisters friend, a year older than me.
I had a few other girlfriends throughout juniorhigh, as I hid my secret attraction towards my own sex.
I always wanted a best friend. A guy best friend. I had lots of good girl-friends. But I wanted a best guy friend: One whom I could trust in everything, and him trust in me too. One who I could talk with with complete comfort; Sit in silence with knowing we have a bestfriend love for each other even if we're not saying anything; Go places with; Think of when I'm going somewhere and wish he could come along, and him think the same for me; Swap penis size; be the dopest of friends.
I was an isecure little freak.
I got straight A's once.
Never ever wanted to smoke weed, but then some friends asked if I wanted to try it when I was 14. I said no at first, but after watching them do it, I grew curious. So I tried it. Actually, I didn't even get a puff in 'cause I noticed my older sister coming (we were at a park) so I threw it down. Needless to say, that was the start of my pothead years. Other drugs followed.
A love for dancing... particular to "house music". Raves were fun. I used to love going simply to dance, but after dropping some "E", I wasn't able to go to any raves sober... dancing wasn't as fun w/out rolling. Sucked...
Fell in love. But my drug life and my finally-open-to-friends-and-one-sister-and-one-brother-bisexual-life had control over me... I loved her deeply and wanted to spend my whole life with her, yet I was messed up in my frickin' head. *sigh*
I never claimed to be a "Christian", 'cause I wasn't living the life of one. But all those years of learning from the bible stuck in my head. I realized they are true. I realized the drug life I was living, and the bi life I was living wasn't going to get me to where I wanted to go. I decided to make the best -yet sacrificing-- choice in my life. I decided to move out of Phoenix to get away from the life I was living. It was the end of January 2002. It proved to be a very good choice, as I never went back to that life... well, I smoked week twice since then. And the sacrifice? I had to leave the girl of my dreams... (I didn't realize she truly was the girl of my dreams until a few years later)
Started living for Yah (God). Have never stopped. I'm loving every minute of it. It's difficult though.. no doubt! I'm like a rubber band that is being stretched... at times I'd like to be back in my normal state as a rubberband, but I know that can't be. I won't allow it to be.
Another girl came and gone... I grew to love her as well. I realized she wasn't the girl of my dreams though. She would have made an awesome wife and awesome mother and awesome spiritual partner.... hm...
Preferances.
I've had some hard times these past few years (2002-present) after I dedicated my life to our Creator. I've cried. I've cried some more. I've danced and jumped out of Joy and Happiness... I've looked at porn, I've streaked, I've sulked, I've depressed myself... I've never felt so complete and good about myself and joyful and just awesome... I've dreamed of naughty things, I've sighed many a time... I've craved male attention/affection, I've craved female attention/affection, I've craved weed, I've craved Yah (God)... I've cussed, I've gotten drunk, I've gotten high twice, I've gotten female attention/affection... no male attention/affection except the godly kind, I've gone to five different countries and many new states in the US to "minister"... I've cried som'more, danced som'more, dreamed som'more, hoped som'more, craved som'more, been frustrated som'more, been pissed off som'more, lied a few times, joked a few times, and continued trying my best to persevere and run this race...
I would love to be with the girl of my dreams... maybe I don't fully know what my dreams are. Maybe there is something in someone out there that I've forgotten about and when I meet her, I'll realize it. **couple minute pause** I want to be with her...
Until then.. I will continue to run to my Creator. I will push on. I will strive to know Him more and to make Him known. To live for Him more, much more than I do. I will trust Him and lean on Him. He's all the attention and affection I truly need at this time.
Life goes and goes... it comes and passes and goes and continues. What do we do with our past? We make choices on how we respond to our past. Only two way to choose: Positive, or Negative. What's in the past, is in the past; There is nothing we can do to change it, all we can do is make the choice to make this day a great day. To love just as we want to be loved.
NO MORE COMPLACENCY!!!!!