(Untitled)

[walks_inbeauty]

"Love"

following a sun-kissed path,
boughed branches connect our shadows.
a presence strengthened by nature,
our hearts never needed such assistance.

--This was a random short that occurred to me. I'm wondering if I should pursue its style.

Comments

[trocke]

The "boughed branches" remind me of the nursery rhyme about "when the bough breaks." With that in mind, your stanza makes me think of a loving couple that has had children (or children from two divorcees match them up even though they're a natural fit) and they're love has become stronger, when it they 'never needed such assistance' before.

[walks_inbeauty]

I never considered children as an aspect between these two people, but I rather like that interpretation. I tried adding more but it made it too cluttered. I'm not used to writing something with only four lines, but this one seems to be able to stand well enough on its own. The simplicity gives it strength.

Forked Path

[trocke]

If you want to tinker inside the four lines, see if there's a way to distinguish the first two and last two lines exclusively into "shadows" and "hearts" material.

The shadows connect over a path, the presence assists their hearts...anything you could change to make that comparison stronger?

tense changing

[soulnibbler]

i'm afraid i'm lost in the imagery and then i get shoved into abstractness of presence. Also I think the last line would flow better as "Our hearts never once needed such assistance." I really don't know why but it seems to balance stronger to me.