Some Things Never Change
Note: This is a sliiiightly meta psychiatric session with elizabethdehner from to_boldlygo, posted mostly for insight into Sarah's personality. Apologies for the format.
[To set the scene, Sarah's been asked why she won't talk to Ford (killer_saver) and why she insists she doesn't care about him when anyone can see that she clearly at least cares whether he lives or dies. Her reasoning?]
Sarah: One - he doesn't give a rat's ass about me, and two - even if he did I'm not leavin' New Orleans and packin' up and movin' to Boston, and three - he's a selfish, self-centered prick and it'd never work out between us 'cause I'm the same way.
Liz: There is clearly a lot more to you and him than either of you care to dive into. I think that perhaps you should consider a change in your life.
Sarah: *eyebrow* I tried love once, girl. Didn't suit me, and it sure's hell doesn't suit the likes'a Ford.
Liz: I think it isn't that it didn't suit you, I think it's that it didn't work out for you and it is easier to pretend than take a step out of your comfort zone.
Sarah: I don't trust a man who can - and will - sift through my mind when he damn well feels like it.
Liz: You could always try being honest with him instead. Then he wouldn't have to sift through your mind. This is coming from a woman who's telepathic.
Sarah: You and your kind can rot in hell. It ain't just siftin' through my mind, girl. He could take it and shatter it into a million pieces if he felt so inclined. Or he could stop me in my tracks just by lookin' me in the eye. *so much hatred for telepaths, wonder what happened to make her hate them so~*
Liz: And yet he hasn't done those things to you yet.
Sarah: Doesn't mean he can't. Or won't.
Liz: But he hasn't. How many people do you see during the day that could up and kill you just because they felt like it, yet they don't. How is that any different?
Sarah: *slams a hand down on a nearby counter* Because a fucking normal person can't hold you in place with his mind while he shoots your goddamned partner in the heart, that's how it's different!
Liz: *raises eyebrow* And yet you care about him enough to sit there, holding his hand and demanding he make it out of this. Strange ways to show distrust, Sarah.
Sarah: Francis needs him. *she calms down slightly* Francis used to be a strong telepath. Used to be a strong empath too, and probably a shifter. Just like Ford. And you know what? A telepath broke him. Shattered his mind. He can't do a damn thing now, his mind's so fragmented. And he wouldn't understand if Ford didn't come back. It'd break his heart. Don't think I'm doin' this for me, girl.
Liz: This is a different kind of game that humans are playing now. People without abilities still manage to tear each other apart. They still managed to send them into despair. There's a lot of reason to think that the world is out there to get you and that you can't trust him. I don't know him, but I'm sure that no matter how much you attempt lie to yourself about how you feel, or who you are doing this for, even if part of it is for Francis, the more this is going to continue to hurt you.
Sarah: Trust me, I know what regular people can do to each other. There's a reason I work for the SVU. Used to think I could do somethin'. Used to think I could change things. *a bitter laugh* People don't change, girl. I see the same thing, day in and day out, and all I can do's pick up the pieces and try to make things right. And until Ford gets his revenge, ain't nothin' gonna be right for him. He ain't gonna rest easy 'til Luci's dead and buried, and that ain't gonna happen any time soon. Not when he's the only one can even come close to gettin' to her. Not when he tries and ends up in the hospital.
Liz: And my job is to take those people, the ones that are hurt and broken and bent on revenge. The ones that have nothing left to live for and I help them change. I've watched people change. You are jaded, I get that. I've heard stories I can't even get myself to repeat. The point is, we all need someone. We all need a little help sometimes and despite what you want to believe, people can change.
Sarah: Even if - if, mind you - I cared enough to tell him, and if he felt the same way, he knows that lettin' anyone get close to him makes 'em a target for Luci. He wouldn't do that, not after what happened to Francis. If he felt that way, and if I felt that way, it's better for the both of us if we don't. Luci'd come after me like the snake she is and she'd do to me what she did to Francis, just to toy with Ford. I ain't riskin' my hide like that.
Liz: So, if that were the case and if you stopped denying yourself and if you just spoke to him about it then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much to care. You don't have to risk your neck for him just because you care. You don't have any responsibility and risking your life isn't a smart way to go about this. But talking about it, theoretically, would be a good for you. Its unhealthy to hold back emotions. Just because you talk about it, don't mean you act on it. You can come at it like an adult. You can act like an adult right? Theoretically of course.
Sarah: I wouldn't give him the satisifaction of knowin'. If I felt that way. His ego's big 'nough as it is. I ain't got no call to go inflatin' it further. *eyebrow, and a grin* 'Sides, he's even more immature than I am. *she loves the judicious application of well-applied sarcasm. bravo on the "adult" comment*
Liz: You know that's what's funny about emotions. We say one thing, we act one way, yet we often feel differently. Sometimes it isn't so strong and sometimes it is the polar opposite. Sure, egos inflate when someone cares about you, because it does an incredible job of making you feel more confident. That isn't the point. The point is, we care about people without our conscious consent. If it's all just a power play; a way to make sure that he can't take advantage of you because you think that showing that you care is a weakness, something he can abuse. Then I'm going to have to tell you that it isn't going to end well for you
Sarah: You know what he does for a livin'? He hunts and kills those of our kind that've gone rogue. He kills for a livin'. I'm a cop, for cryin' out loud! And you know... Every day we go out to do our jobs, me and him both, we might get killed. I don't know if you've ever watched someone you care about bleed out in front of your eyes, girl, but that's exactly what happened to Warren. And my ex-husband? *bitter laugh* Just more proof that my kind - our kind - are freaks of nature. Accidentally got into his head one night. He panicked. Ran out. Never saw him again, 'cept to sign the papers.
Liz: Have you ever imagined that you deserved a second chance?
Sarah: Why should I get one? Where's Warren's second chance?
Liz: So you never felt that you deserve a second chance?
Sarah: I don't deserve anythin'. Life ain't handin' me many chances, girl, but you don't see me whinin' about a lack of 'em.
Liz: I'm not talking about real life, I'm talking about theories, I'm talking about in a world where things go wrong and we don't get those chances. Fine, let's forget about talking about you. Have you ever felt that anyone else deserved a second chance?
Sarah: Warren. Warren deserved a second chance.
Liz: By that logic, then, if Warren deserved a second chance, there's a chance that someone else in the universe just might deserve a second chance too?
Liz: So what have you done in your life that is so bad you can't forgive yourself and let yourself move on? And don't try and lie to me. I'll know your lying and I don't have to read anyone's thoughts to know that. So tell me, what have you been holding onto? People don't get second chances because the world gives it to them. People get second chances because they let themselves have them.
Sarah: I let Warren die because I wasn't goddamn strong enough to stop the fucker who shot him! *have some more violence. It's kicking things this time* Why Warren? Can you tell me that? Why did that fucker's bullet hit Warren in the heart? Why'd I get shot in the leg? Why wasn't it the other way around? Damn it, I should have been able to do somethin'!
Liz: *still eerily calm* That's the part that isn't fair, but we can't expect life to play fair. We don't want life to play fair. Think about it, if life was fair, all the things that we have done wrong would result in far worse things. You are right. I won't argue with you on that. Losing someone is... indescribable. The pain that comes with it. But it's strange how the human brain works. We watch our lives go by us, the world giving us unfair events that we have to work through. We mourn and we cry and we are furious because it is out of our control, but there is one thing that is in your control and its your ability to forgive yourself for what happened. Sure, you don't think you deserve it, but life isn't fair and that means we don't have to suffer for every bad thing we have ever done.
Sarah: You don't understand. If I'd... If I do any more than just catch surface thoughts, if I could actually do somethin', with the scrap of telepathy I've got, he'd still be alive. If I hadn't panicked... If I'd been thinking... Surely I could've done somethin'. Even if it was just hittin' him with a wall of emotion, just somethin' to stop him. You know, Warren... Warren was like me. No shiftin', nothin' you could even call telepathy. Just the empathy. And if he'd been a shifter, or if I'd been a telepath... *she shakes her head, laughing a bitter little laugh* And Ford's all three. If Ford gets shot, he'll damn well get up and walk away. *aaand she kind of hates him for it*
Liz: And those are all things that are working against. The world doesn't want you to succeed. You will never get to be everything you want to be. You will never get all that you deserve. Nothing will make that better for you, but it happened and pretending that there was something more you could do or brow beating yourself because there was nothing you could do is not going to ever let you get anything you work for. Everything you do will be weighted down by this bitter, jaded, cynic outer shell you put on. You will never come close to happiness if you hold on to all that because you are making the choice to be stuck with what you have. That's all you. The sooner you come to grips with that, the sooner you can move on.
Sarah: Maybe I like this bitter, jaded, cynic shell. The world ain't gonna change just because I want it to. Maybe I ain't happy. Maybe I'd rather it stay that way. *a quiet sigh* Life's for those who've got somethin' to live for. I ain't got much, but I ain't runnin' off and leavin' my partner behind. Not for me, not for Ford. And I ain't apologizin' for it, either.
Liz: No one is asking that of you. I just wish I could believe you as much as you believe what you are saying.
Sarah: Yeah? Maybe you just need to look at things from my perspective for a minute. You know, think about what it's like for me, and stop worryin' about the rest of the world. I ain't a textbook case, doc.
Liz: No one is a text book case and I'd never treat anyone as if they were. You suffered a tremendous loss. IN fact, you suffered and survived it. That's the problem with life. It's not the things that kill us that we should be afraid of, its the things we survive. Dying would be easy. Living is hard. You just don't strike me as the type who takes the easy way out of anything.
Sarah: *shrug* I'm too bull-headed and stubborn to take the easy way outta anythin'.
Liz: Then why are you taking the easy way out on this?
Sarah: ......*narrows her eyes, opens her mouth, closes it* It sure don't feel like the easy way.
Liz: Because the easy way isn't really that easy. Not in this case. Think about it. Moving on, accepting that there was nothing you could have done, giving yourself another chance, opening yourself up to more pain in the future. That's what waits for you if you pull yourself out of your past. This doesn't feel easy, but its way easier than picking up and starting again.
Sarah: Thanks, but I'm content with the pain I've got.
Liz: I figured you were the type to take a challenge. I figured wrong.
Sarah: *dry laugh* Nice try, girl. I ain't stupid enough to fall for that trick.
Liz: I'm not tricking you into anything. I could if I wanted to, but I don't. I don't have to talk to you about anything. You know that I am right. You know that you care for Ford and you care about what happened in your life and that you are hiding. Its up to you to decide what to do with that, not me. I can't convince you of anything. Like I said, you already know.
Sarah: *shrugs* Alright, you got me. Right on the mark. *slow clap* You want a prize?
Liz: *amused by antics* I'm not asking for anything. There's plenty of other people who need things from you and I'm not one of them.
Sarah: Oh yeah? Like who? You think Ford needs somethin' from me? You'd be wrong. Ford don't care 'bout nothin' or no one but himself. Used to think he cared 'bout Francis. But the stupid son of a bitch runs off and leaves me with Francis so he can go get himself in a fight he knows he ain't gonna win. *IF YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT HIM*
Liz: I didn't say Ford. You said Ford.
Sarah: We've been talkin' about Ford. Pardon me for assumin'.
Liz: We also talked about Warren and Francis quite a bit. That was all you.
Sarah: *more eye-narrowing, a little bit of head-tilting, fake thinking face* Warren's dead, so that rules him out, and Francis doesn't know what day of the week it is half the time, so you know, I kind of assumed that we were maybe talkin' about people who might actually "need" somethin'. *yes those were air-quotes*
Liz: Sounds to me like Francis needs someone more than Ford, yet you still jumped to him first. *tilts head and then waves a hand in the air* It isn't important. I suppose the best I can do is wish you luck, Sarah. You've got one hell of a road in front of you.
Sarah: Francis has got someone. He's got Ford. *she does not sound impressed by this*
Liz: *raises eyebrow* Yet you hate Ford, or give the impression that you don't like him very much. You also seem to express that you at least pity Francis, but you don't feel compelled to step in and help Francis even knowing that Ford is going to let him down?
Sarah: *more to herself than to Liz* I didn't know Ford was the type to let Francis down like that 'til he ran off and left me takin' care of the poor thing. He knows how much it'd hurt Francis if he died, and he went anyway.
Liz: *lets the comment slide because she knows when not to torture people with their own conscience* Caring about people is painful.
Sarah: Yeah. Yeah, sure. *Liz you are making her uncomfortable she does not want to confront this*
Liz: *leans back, looking relaxed. Doesn't want to add anything because it will make her defensive, so she just waits*
Sarah: *sighs* Look. It's complicated, alright? I got Richard in New Orleans. My partner. Great kid. Beautiful wife. I can't just up and leave him. You think his wife would appreciate it if I let the idiot get himself killed? *a sliiiight wince as she says that*
Liz: Someone once told me that complicated isn't always a bad thing. Gives you puzzles to solve.
Sarah: *crosses her arms, small, tiiiny smile* Francis is good at puzzles. Loves 'em. Keeps him occupied for hours.
Liz: I'm a bit obsessive about puzzles myself. *successfully gets her talking about other crap to mellow her out in case something slips by.*
Sarah: Never saw the point in 'em, myself. *she's always got to be prickly, doesn't she?*
Liz: I like them for the mental stimulation. They make me think and they keep me occupied. Otherwise my mind wanders.
Sarah: I got enough puzzles bein' a detective. I don't need ones with pretty pictures to keep me busy.
Liz: *sees that this woman is apparently a masochist and LIKES being in pain and misery all the time* I do a lot of word games and such too. Besides, my line of work involves other puzzles as well.
Sarah: *yeah, pretty much, actually* You ever take a look into someone's head when you're analyzin' 'em? I mean with the whole telepathy thing, not in a shrink way.
Liz: *doesn't mind answering personal questions* Its not exactly a sure thing for me... the telepathy. Its been slowly developing and I don't have full control over it. Any thoughts I hear, I pick up on accident. Most of the time, they are nothing.
Sarah: Musta freaked you out a bit, when you realized it was happenin'. Freaked me out, 'fore Warren taught me how to control it.
Liz: Its definitely a scary thing. I'm the only person I know to develop it. It's not supposed to happen that way. I got empathy with it to. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to teach it to me.
Sarah: Yeah, it's... it's definitely a weird experience.
Liz: I'm not sure how I'll get used to it. I can't stop it. I'll just have to push through it I guess.
Sarah: It gets easier, when you learn to control it. Warren used to make me practice hours every day, until I could do it without thinkin' 'bout it.
Liz: I hope controlling it is an option. It's not supposed to happen in humans and its got to do with anomalies in space giving off waves that affect me. Lots of science involved that I don't understand; that no one understand because it wasn't supposed to happen.
Sarah: Sucks to be you. 'Least I've got an underground network of freaks to call on.
Liz: My only options are Betazoids, who aren't human, so that is difficult, but it gives me someone to talk to.
Sarah: For what it's worth... good luck. *why yes, she can be civil*
Liz: Thanks. I'll need it.
Sarah: Yeah, you will.
Liz: I've got a good man to call on if I need some comfort though, so for as scared as I am... I know I've got somewhere to go. *prepares herself for the cynicism*
Sarah: *oh no, other people having good men is fine. It's her who can't have good men* And he knows about the whole telepath thing?
Liz: I told him... eventually. It definitely freaked him out at first. He's... trying not to let it bother him and I'm making sure that I give him time to tell me what he's thinking instead of responding directly to his thoughts if I catch any.
Sarah: *very quietly* Lucky you. You hold onto him. Ain't likely to be another one like him in a long time.
Liz: *smiles sheepishly*
Sarah: I mean it. Man like that, you don't let him go.
LIz: Oh, I know it. I can't imagine letting him go for anything... *stops herself from getting sappy*
Sarah: You love him?
Liz: ...yeah... yeah I do.
Sarah: *small smile* You should see yourself when you're thinkin' 'bout him.
Liz: *intense blush*
Sarah: *awwww isn't that cute* Alright, now you're just makin' me sick.
Liz: Trust me, it makes me sick. I'm not the lovesick type. Never have been. This is all new.
Sarah: Well, I seem to recall someone hintin' that tryin' new things might not be a bad idea. 'Course, I'm old, so my memory's a bit faulty. *she is like 40 she is not old*
Liz: Oh, believe me, following my own advice is tough. Its because I give good advice... hard advice, but good advice. *smirk*
Sarah: Well, I don't know 'bout good advice...
Liz: *laughs* To each his own.
Sarah: I reckon I can't argue with that.
Liz: *knows when she can't do any more*
ooc comments/questions welcome. yay.
[To set the scene, Sarah's been asked why she won't talk to Ford (killer_saver) and why she insists she doesn't care about him when anyone can see that she clearly at least cares whether he lives or dies. Her reasoning?]
Sarah: One - he doesn't give a rat's ass about me, and two - even if he did I'm not leavin' New Orleans and packin' up and movin' to Boston, and three - he's a selfish, self-centered prick and it'd never work out between us 'cause I'm the same way.
Liz: There is clearly a lot more to you and him than either of you care to dive into. I think that perhaps you should consider a change in your life.
Sarah: *eyebrow* I tried love once, girl. Didn't suit me, and it sure's hell doesn't suit the likes'a Ford.
Liz: I think it isn't that it didn't suit you, I think it's that it didn't work out for you and it is easier to pretend than take a step out of your comfort zone.
Sarah: I don't trust a man who can - and will - sift through my mind when he damn well feels like it.
Liz: You could always try being honest with him instead. Then he wouldn't have to sift through your mind. This is coming from a woman who's telepathic.
Sarah: You and your kind can rot in hell. It ain't just siftin' through my mind, girl. He could take it and shatter it into a million pieces if he felt so inclined. Or he could stop me in my tracks just by lookin' me in the eye. *so much hatred for telepaths, wonder what happened to make her hate them so~*
Liz: And yet he hasn't done those things to you yet.
Sarah: Doesn't mean he can't. Or won't.
Liz: But he hasn't. How many people do you see during the day that could up and kill you just because they felt like it, yet they don't. How is that any different?
Sarah: *slams a hand down on a nearby counter* Because a fucking normal person can't hold you in place with his mind while he shoots your goddamned partner in the heart, that's how it's different!
Liz: *raises eyebrow* And yet you care about him enough to sit there, holding his hand and demanding he make it out of this. Strange ways to show distrust, Sarah.
Sarah: Francis needs him. *she calms down slightly* Francis used to be a strong telepath. Used to be a strong empath too, and probably a shifter. Just like Ford. And you know what? A telepath broke him. Shattered his mind. He can't do a damn thing now, his mind's so fragmented. And he wouldn't understand if Ford didn't come back. It'd break his heart. Don't think I'm doin' this for me, girl.
Liz: This is a different kind of game that humans are playing now. People without abilities still manage to tear each other apart. They still managed to send them into despair. There's a lot of reason to think that the world is out there to get you and that you can't trust him. I don't know him, but I'm sure that no matter how much you attempt lie to yourself about how you feel, or who you are doing this for, even if part of it is for Francis, the more this is going to continue to hurt you.
Sarah: Trust me, I know what regular people can do to each other. There's a reason I work for the SVU. Used to think I could do somethin'. Used to think I could change things. *a bitter laugh* People don't change, girl. I see the same thing, day in and day out, and all I can do's pick up the pieces and try to make things right. And until Ford gets his revenge, ain't nothin' gonna be right for him. He ain't gonna rest easy 'til Luci's dead and buried, and that ain't gonna happen any time soon. Not when he's the only one can even come close to gettin' to her. Not when he tries and ends up in the hospital.
Liz: And my job is to take those people, the ones that are hurt and broken and bent on revenge. The ones that have nothing left to live for and I help them change. I've watched people change. You are jaded, I get that. I've heard stories I can't even get myself to repeat. The point is, we all need someone. We all need a little help sometimes and despite what you want to believe, people can change.
Sarah: Even if - if, mind you - I cared enough to tell him, and if he felt the same way, he knows that lettin' anyone get close to him makes 'em a target for Luci. He wouldn't do that, not after what happened to Francis. If he felt that way, and if I felt that way, it's better for the both of us if we don't. Luci'd come after me like the snake she is and she'd do to me what she did to Francis, just to toy with Ford. I ain't riskin' my hide like that.
Liz: So, if that were the case and if you stopped denying yourself and if you just spoke to him about it then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much to care. You don't have to risk your neck for him just because you care. You don't have any responsibility and risking your life isn't a smart way to go about this. But talking about it, theoretically, would be a good for you. Its unhealthy to hold back emotions. Just because you talk about it, don't mean you act on it. You can come at it like an adult. You can act like an adult right? Theoretically of course.
Sarah: I wouldn't give him the satisifaction of knowin'. If I felt that way. His ego's big 'nough as it is. I ain't got no call to go inflatin' it further. *eyebrow, and a grin* 'Sides, he's even more immature than I am. *she loves the judicious application of well-applied sarcasm. bravo on the "adult" comment*
Liz: You know that's what's funny about emotions. We say one thing, we act one way, yet we often feel differently. Sometimes it isn't so strong and sometimes it is the polar opposite. Sure, egos inflate when someone cares about you, because it does an incredible job of making you feel more confident. That isn't the point. The point is, we care about people without our conscious consent. If it's all just a power play; a way to make sure that he can't take advantage of you because you think that showing that you care is a weakness, something he can abuse. Then I'm going to have to tell you that it isn't going to end well for you
Sarah: You know what he does for a livin'? He hunts and kills those of our kind that've gone rogue. He kills for a livin'. I'm a cop, for cryin' out loud! And you know... Every day we go out to do our jobs, me and him both, we might get killed. I don't know if you've ever watched someone you care about bleed out in front of your eyes, girl, but that's exactly what happened to Warren. And my ex-husband? *bitter laugh* Just more proof that my kind - our kind - are freaks of nature. Accidentally got into his head one night. He panicked. Ran out. Never saw him again, 'cept to sign the papers.
Liz: Have you ever imagined that you deserved a second chance?
Sarah: Why should I get one? Where's Warren's second chance?
Liz: So you never felt that you deserve a second chance?
Sarah: I don't deserve anythin'. Life ain't handin' me many chances, girl, but you don't see me whinin' about a lack of 'em.
Liz: I'm not talking about real life, I'm talking about theories, I'm talking about in a world where things go wrong and we don't get those chances. Fine, let's forget about talking about you. Have you ever felt that anyone else deserved a second chance?
Sarah: Warren. Warren deserved a second chance.
Liz: By that logic, then, if Warren deserved a second chance, there's a chance that someone else in the universe just might deserve a second chance too?
Liz: So what have you done in your life that is so bad you can't forgive yourself and let yourself move on? And don't try and lie to me. I'll know your lying and I don't have to read anyone's thoughts to know that. So tell me, what have you been holding onto? People don't get second chances because the world gives it to them. People get second chances because they let themselves have them.
Sarah: I let Warren die because I wasn't goddamn strong enough to stop the fucker who shot him! *have some more violence. It's kicking things this time* Why Warren? Can you tell me that? Why did that fucker's bullet hit Warren in the heart? Why'd I get shot in the leg? Why wasn't it the other way around? Damn it, I should have been able to do somethin'!
Liz: *still eerily calm* That's the part that isn't fair, but we can't expect life to play fair. We don't want life to play fair. Think about it, if life was fair, all the things that we have done wrong would result in far worse things. You are right. I won't argue with you on that. Losing someone is... indescribable. The pain that comes with it. But it's strange how the human brain works. We watch our lives go by us, the world giving us unfair events that we have to work through. We mourn and we cry and we are furious because it is out of our control, but there is one thing that is in your control and its your ability to forgive yourself for what happened. Sure, you don't think you deserve it, but life isn't fair and that means we don't have to suffer for every bad thing we have ever done.
Sarah: You don't understand. If I'd... If I do any more than just catch surface thoughts, if I could actually do somethin', with the scrap of telepathy I've got, he'd still be alive. If I hadn't panicked... If I'd been thinking... Surely I could've done somethin'. Even if it was just hittin' him with a wall of emotion, just somethin' to stop him. You know, Warren... Warren was like me. No shiftin', nothin' you could even call telepathy. Just the empathy. And if he'd been a shifter, or if I'd been a telepath... *she shakes her head, laughing a bitter little laugh* And Ford's all three. If Ford gets shot, he'll damn well get up and walk away. *aaand she kind of hates him for it*
Liz: And those are all things that are working against. The world doesn't want you to succeed. You will never get to be everything you want to be. You will never get all that you deserve. Nothing will make that better for you, but it happened and pretending that there was something more you could do or brow beating yourself because there was nothing you could do is not going to ever let you get anything you work for. Everything you do will be weighted down by this bitter, jaded, cynic outer shell you put on. You will never come close to happiness if you hold on to all that because you are making the choice to be stuck with what you have. That's all you. The sooner you come to grips with that, the sooner you can move on.
Sarah: Maybe I like this bitter, jaded, cynic shell. The world ain't gonna change just because I want it to. Maybe I ain't happy. Maybe I'd rather it stay that way. *a quiet sigh* Life's for those who've got somethin' to live for. I ain't got much, but I ain't runnin' off and leavin' my partner behind. Not for me, not for Ford. And I ain't apologizin' for it, either.
Liz: No one is asking that of you. I just wish I could believe you as much as you believe what you are saying.
Sarah: Yeah? Maybe you just need to look at things from my perspective for a minute. You know, think about what it's like for me, and stop worryin' about the rest of the world. I ain't a textbook case, doc.
Liz: No one is a text book case and I'd never treat anyone as if they were. You suffered a tremendous loss. IN fact, you suffered and survived it. That's the problem with life. It's not the things that kill us that we should be afraid of, its the things we survive. Dying would be easy. Living is hard. You just don't strike me as the type who takes the easy way out of anything.
Sarah: *shrug* I'm too bull-headed and stubborn to take the easy way outta anythin'.
Liz: Then why are you taking the easy way out on this?
Sarah: ......*narrows her eyes, opens her mouth, closes it* It sure don't feel like the easy way.
Liz: Because the easy way isn't really that easy. Not in this case. Think about it. Moving on, accepting that there was nothing you could have done, giving yourself another chance, opening yourself up to more pain in the future. That's what waits for you if you pull yourself out of your past. This doesn't feel easy, but its way easier than picking up and starting again.
Sarah: Thanks, but I'm content with the pain I've got.
Liz: I figured you were the type to take a challenge. I figured wrong.
Sarah: *dry laugh* Nice try, girl. I ain't stupid enough to fall for that trick.
Liz: I'm not tricking you into anything. I could if I wanted to, but I don't. I don't have to talk to you about anything. You know that I am right. You know that you care for Ford and you care about what happened in your life and that you are hiding. Its up to you to decide what to do with that, not me. I can't convince you of anything. Like I said, you already know.
Sarah: *shrugs* Alright, you got me. Right on the mark. *slow clap* You want a prize?
Liz: *amused by antics* I'm not asking for anything. There's plenty of other people who need things from you and I'm not one of them.
Sarah: Oh yeah? Like who? You think Ford needs somethin' from me? You'd be wrong. Ford don't care 'bout nothin' or no one but himself. Used to think he cared 'bout Francis. But the stupid son of a bitch runs off and leaves me with Francis so he can go get himself in a fight he knows he ain't gonna win. *IF YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT HIM*
Liz: I didn't say Ford. You said Ford.
Sarah: We've been talkin' about Ford. Pardon me for assumin'.
Liz: We also talked about Warren and Francis quite a bit. That was all you.
Sarah: *more eye-narrowing, a little bit of head-tilting, fake thinking face* Warren's dead, so that rules him out, and Francis doesn't know what day of the week it is half the time, so you know, I kind of assumed that we were maybe talkin' about people who might actually "need" somethin'. *yes those were air-quotes*
Liz: Sounds to me like Francis needs someone more than Ford, yet you still jumped to him first. *tilts head and then waves a hand in the air* It isn't important. I suppose the best I can do is wish you luck, Sarah. You've got one hell of a road in front of you.
Sarah: Francis has got someone. He's got Ford. *she does not sound impressed by this*
Liz: *raises eyebrow* Yet you hate Ford, or give the impression that you don't like him very much. You also seem to express that you at least pity Francis, but you don't feel compelled to step in and help Francis even knowing that Ford is going to let him down?
Sarah: *more to herself than to Liz* I didn't know Ford was the type to let Francis down like that 'til he ran off and left me takin' care of the poor thing. He knows how much it'd hurt Francis if he died, and he went anyway.
Liz: *lets the comment slide because she knows when not to torture people with their own conscience* Caring about people is painful.
Sarah: Yeah. Yeah, sure. *Liz you are making her uncomfortable she does not want to confront this*
Liz: *leans back, looking relaxed. Doesn't want to add anything because it will make her defensive, so she just waits*
Sarah: *sighs* Look. It's complicated, alright? I got Richard in New Orleans. My partner. Great kid. Beautiful wife. I can't just up and leave him. You think his wife would appreciate it if I let the idiot get himself killed? *a sliiiight wince as she says that*
Liz: Someone once told me that complicated isn't always a bad thing. Gives you puzzles to solve.
Sarah: *crosses her arms, small, tiiiny smile* Francis is good at puzzles. Loves 'em. Keeps him occupied for hours.
Liz: I'm a bit obsessive about puzzles myself. *successfully gets her talking about other crap to mellow her out in case something slips by.*
Sarah: Never saw the point in 'em, myself. *she's always got to be prickly, doesn't she?*
Liz: I like them for the mental stimulation. They make me think and they keep me occupied. Otherwise my mind wanders.
Sarah: I got enough puzzles bein' a detective. I don't need ones with pretty pictures to keep me busy.
Liz: *sees that this woman is apparently a masochist and LIKES being in pain and misery all the time* I do a lot of word games and such too. Besides, my line of work involves other puzzles as well.
Sarah: *yeah, pretty much, actually* You ever take a look into someone's head when you're analyzin' 'em? I mean with the whole telepathy thing, not in a shrink way.
Liz: *doesn't mind answering personal questions* Its not exactly a sure thing for me... the telepathy. Its been slowly developing and I don't have full control over it. Any thoughts I hear, I pick up on accident. Most of the time, they are nothing.
Sarah: Musta freaked you out a bit, when you realized it was happenin'. Freaked me out, 'fore Warren taught me how to control it.
Liz: Its definitely a scary thing. I'm the only person I know to develop it. It's not supposed to happen that way. I got empathy with it to. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to teach it to me.
Sarah: Yeah, it's... it's definitely a weird experience.
Liz: I'm not sure how I'll get used to it. I can't stop it. I'll just have to push through it I guess.
Sarah: It gets easier, when you learn to control it. Warren used to make me practice hours every day, until I could do it without thinkin' 'bout it.
Liz: I hope controlling it is an option. It's not supposed to happen in humans and its got to do with anomalies in space giving off waves that affect me. Lots of science involved that I don't understand; that no one understand because it wasn't supposed to happen.
Sarah: Sucks to be you. 'Least I've got an underground network of freaks to call on.
Liz: My only options are Betazoids, who aren't human, so that is difficult, but it gives me someone to talk to.
Sarah: For what it's worth... good luck. *why yes, she can be civil*
Liz: Thanks. I'll need it.
Sarah: Yeah, you will.
Liz: I've got a good man to call on if I need some comfort though, so for as scared as I am... I know I've got somewhere to go. *prepares herself for the cynicism*
Sarah: *oh no, other people having good men is fine. It's her who can't have good men* And he knows about the whole telepath thing?
Liz: I told him... eventually. It definitely freaked him out at first. He's... trying not to let it bother him and I'm making sure that I give him time to tell me what he's thinking instead of responding directly to his thoughts if I catch any.
Sarah: *very quietly* Lucky you. You hold onto him. Ain't likely to be another one like him in a long time.
Liz: *smiles sheepishly*
Sarah: I mean it. Man like that, you don't let him go.
LIz: Oh, I know it. I can't imagine letting him go for anything... *stops herself from getting sappy*
Sarah: You love him?
Liz: ...yeah... yeah I do.
Sarah: *small smile* You should see yourself when you're thinkin' 'bout him.
Liz: *intense blush*
Sarah: *awwww isn't that cute* Alright, now you're just makin' me sick.
Liz: Trust me, it makes me sick. I'm not the lovesick type. Never have been. This is all new.
Sarah: Well, I seem to recall someone hintin' that tryin' new things might not be a bad idea. 'Course, I'm old, so my memory's a bit faulty. *she is like 40 she is not old*
Liz: Oh, believe me, following my own advice is tough. Its because I give good advice... hard advice, but good advice. *smirk*
Sarah: Well, I don't know 'bout good advice...
Liz: *laughs* To each his own.
Sarah: I reckon I can't argue with that.
Liz: *knows when she can't do any more*
ooc comments/questions welcome. yay.