Original - Isonia

[walkthatwalk]

Title: Isonia
Prompt: Woods
Bonus? Yes
Word Count: 739
Rating: General
Original/Fandom: Original.
Summary: A twelve year old girl finds a magical kingdom in the woods.

Comments

[agirlnamedluna]

I like the idea of this, but it seems to me the story could be fleshed out a bit more. The actual kingdom is only described in one paragraph, and I don't really feel you show why it's such a magical place. The lead-up to finding the kingdom and then the leaving totally make sense though.

"It's been at least an hour since I realized I wasn't with my parents." I believe this should be "It had been" to keep the tenses consistent.

[walkthatwalk]

Okay thanks for the advice.

[meepalicious]

I really love stories that are structured this way, in discrete (but connected) numbered pieces. If you wanted to play around with that kind of formatting a bit more, you could maybe do stuff like changing the tense/POV/style of each section and then knitting them together, but that's just futzy stuff. The bones of this story were very good; I hope to see you flesh it out a bit more and tell us about her magical kingdom and what she finds there. I love a good multiverse, so I'll be keeping my eye out for more where this came from.

[walkthatwalk]

Thanks! I probably won't because this fantasy-type isn't really my thing. Honestly I don't know where it came from (actually I think it was the Bridge to Terabithia that I watched the other night.)

[basric]

You had me until the last paragraph and then you lost me. I'd loved to have known why it was magical. Why it was hers (because of her dreams?) Was she greeted by magical creatures? Did she start hiking the woods alone each day to her parents surprise?

Your character is well set up, you beginning and middle gripping and well done. I just felt let down at the end.

Still if its not your forte it was a good try into fantasy.