When nothing matters anymore...
So, I suppose I've figured out my life, and myself to a point now... I will never be able to live up to my parents expectations. I will never be loved by them completely, because obviously, they both weren't ready for kids, and for me... All I do is get yelled at for every fucking thing I do in my life, at home, for what I don't do, and everything else... I hate my home, and I don't want to live here anymore... I don't want to be a part of this family anymore... I want to give them one joy in life, and the only way I can get halfway to achieving that is the worst of it all... To erase my existance from the history, from memory, from time...
I've lost the one great love in my life, to a prettier girl, and better girl, and better life besides the one that includes me... I live everyday miserable with what I have caused, in grief, in pain, in emotion... I am just a giagantic mental scar, and I'm soo not worth keeping... I figure the best thing I can do right now, is let go, because its obvious its never going to work... I'm too far out to push my way back in, and I don't know if the fight really is worth it in the end... Everyone can tell me all they want to try and make me feel better, even though I know deep down its all a huge giant lie... Why the fuck would someone soo good and pure, and wonderful like that want a fucking huge fuck up like me... All I do is cause pain... I can't even handle my mental condition... How do I know that I am even capable of love? How do you know that I am capable of anything? I have nothing to offer anyone... I am not pretty, or nice, or worth the trouble... I don't have sex, and I have my reasons, and its something I've been terrified to say for a long time... I still don't even want to say it... I'm gross... I'm this gigantic slob baby...
College is soon to fall apart... I had 2 people tell me on Wednesday, when I had my portfolio laid out, that I wasn't going to pass, but in a nice way... I almost burst out crying... I spent an hour pacing in the parking lot, trying not to cry... What a waste of money and time... Someone more deserving should have had my spot... I'm such a fuck up...
I don't even want to go out anymore... I feel like I'm in such a brittle condition right now... My shoulder hurts more... I went to Physical Therapy today, and now I have to go twice a week for 4 weeks... She said my condition is very strange... I'm terrified of surgery, which is whats going to happen if therapy doesn't improve it... The Doctor told me, that 90% of the time, the surgery doesn't end up well... I don't know if he's trying to tell me I'll loose my arm/function in it, or that I might die during surgery... Its the scariest thing I've gone through in my life... Next week is my Arthurogram, and I'm really scared to go to it... I've heard its a big needle, and thats its painful... I don't want to go alone... And I'm going to have to...
I am soo ready to make my dreams a reality, to push that break, to slip off the edge... I refuse to go back to the fucking hospital, because it didn't work... Theres only one solution, and I don't really fucking care what anyone has to say about me being melodramatic, or whatever... I really don't give 2 shits anymore... Good, I'll go be melodramatic somewhere else... I'm sick of being the annoying one... I'm sick of being the person everyone makes fun of behind my back... I'm sick of being a doormat... I'm sick of being a doll... I'm sick of dreams being lived through me... I'm sick of never being good enough... I'm sick of everyone around... Because of me being a charity case... I just want someone to tell me its going to be okay, that I'm okay, and that I'm not fucked up or a freak... But repeatedly telling me I'm melodramatic, but different people, just justifies it... Anymore reasons? Anyone?
"The Calendar Hung Itself"
Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head?
And does he sing to you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched
and does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much?
Does he lay awake listening to your breath?
Worried that you smoke too many cigarettes.
Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor?
For every speck of tile there are a thousand more
that you won't ever see but most hold inside yourself eternally.
I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death.
In every city, memories would whisper: "Here is where you rest."
I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees
and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her.
She had eyes bright enough to burn me. They reminded me of yours.
In a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge,
sun-bruised field and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed.
And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands.
And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry's end where I wrote,
You make me happy when the skies are gray
You make me happy the skies are gray and gray and gray.
Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest with its hands
stretched towards the calendar hanging itself but I will not weep for those dying days.
For all the ones who have left there are a few that stayed.
And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.
-Bright Eyes
Emotion Lyrics It's over and done but the heartache lives on inside And who's the one you're clinging to instead of me tonight? And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart it's just emotion taking me over Caught up in sorrow lost in the song but if you don't come back Come home to me, darling don't you know there's nobody left in this world tohold me tight nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight, goodnight I'm there at your side, I'm part of all the things you are But you've got a part of someone else You've got to find your shining star And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart it's just emotion taking me over Caught up in sorrow lost in the song but if you don't come back Come home to me, darling don't you know there's nobody left in this world tohold me tight nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight, goodnight And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart it's just emotion taking me over Caught up in sorrow lost in the song but if you don't come back Come home to me, darling don't you know there's nobody left in this world tohold me tight nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight, goodnight
-Destiny's Child
"Hey There Delilah"
Hey there Delilah
What's it like in new York city
I'm a thousand miles away
but girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Time square cant shine as bright as you
I swear its true
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice its my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time that we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
- Plain White T's
Run Lyrics
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here
Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.
- Snow Patrol