I Don't Want To Know, Part One (2,361 Words)
I was sitting on the couch in the living room, getting lost in daydreams and old memories. I could hear Rob in the kitchen, fixing up a pizza to pop in the oven for lunch. He was happy and whistling a little tune, and it made smile to have him be so happy. But I couldn't help the memories that were flooding my mind, drowning the sounds of Rob out. My eyes started to water as I closed my eyes, reliving things that I hadn't thought of in years.
"Who is that guy?" I asked. Julia grinned at me.
"Oh, that's just William. He lives down the street from me," she replied, still smiling. I eyed the man, working in the garden of his front yard. "Too bad these curtains are in the way, huh?" Julia mumbled, winking at me. I frowned at her.
"What are you talking about, Julia?"
She laughed. "Kate, I can see you undressing him with your eyes! Don't try to hide it," she pointed out. I blushed, stepping away from the window. I waited for Julia to walk away, and I glanced back out the window at William, who was wiping his sweaty brow with the back of his hand.
"Plus, he's dating one of my neighbors," Julia called out from the other room. I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he ripped up weeds and watered plants. "They've been living together for a few months now."
"That's good," I muttered, my eyes still transfixed on him through the window. "Everyone deserves to be happy."
"Hey sweetheart, the pizza is done!" Rob said from the kitchen.
I opened my wet eyes and realized I had dozed off for nearly an hour. I sat up and looked around our sparse living room, trying to blink away the tears. Rob walked in then, a plate with a single slice of pizza on it, and he smiled at me. I quickly wiped the tears off of my face and accepted the plate, smiling back at him.
"Thanks, babe," I said. I held the plate, staring down at the pizza in front of me. I could feel Rob staring at me, but I could not fathom meeting his gaze. "This looks great."
"You're welcome, honey." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, rubbing my hand with his hand. "I'm going to go meet the boys at the bar for a few drinks, okay? I'll be back later tonight."
I nodded, still keeping my eyes down. "Sounds good. Have fun," I said. Rob was already halfway out the door, though, and most likely had not heard anything I had said.
I felt so sick to my stomach I didn't want to even imagine eating the slice of pizza before me. I walked back into the kitchen and set the plate down, leaning against the counter. This home was so small, and it was so much less than what I had wanted. As a kid, I had dreamed of a big house full of noisy kids running around, all smiling and laughing together. I dreamed of living in a quiet little suburb with the man of my dreams, enjoying our nice little life together with our children. But as I looked around the empty, silent house now, I realized how much things change. How much life can change. I was crying again, thinking of all of the things I had wanted my life to be. I had just celebrated my thirty-fifth birthday last month, and I felt like my life was ending. Sure, I had a nice relationship with Rob; a stable job; a respectable home. But I didn't have what I had always wanted most: babies. I closed my eyes again, the tears flowing harder and faster down my cheeks, as I got lost in more memories.
I was walking out of the bank when I ran into him. I had been looking down at my hands, shuffling papers around and not paying any attention to anything around me. I bumped into his chest and looked up, blushing instantly as he smiled down at me.
"Oh, hello there!" William said. His voice was just as beautiful as he was. Not to mention he had the most wonderful English accent. "Sorry, darling. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention!"
I stared back up at him and tried to smile back. "Oh, no! It was all my fault, I assure you," I replied. I glanced back down at my hands and shoved my papers into my purse. I extended my hand to him. "I'm Kate."
"Afternoon, Kate. My name is William," he said, shaking my hand. His hand was large and warm around mine.
"I think we have a mutual friend, actually! Julia Edwards?" I asked. He paused, looking away in thought. He smiled again, and I realized that our hands were still in that shaking position.
"Yes, I know Julia! She lives just down the street from me. She really is lovely," he said, still smiling. His smile was big and bright, and it made me smile right back at him. "How do you know her?"
"Julia and I have been friends for quite some time, actually. We went to college together."
William nodded. He kept looking down into my eyes, and I felt like he could see into my soul. Suddenly, he released my hand and shoved his down into his pocket. He pulled out his phone and frowned at it, checking to see who was calling him. He scoffed and put the phone back where he had grabbed it from. "It was no one," he said, letting out a small chuckle.
I wasn't sure what else to say, but I wanted to stay there and talk to him for as long as I possibly could. "I saw you working on your garden one day last week," I blurted out without thinking. "It's a really beautiful garden, too."
He laughed, full and hard then, and I felt my heart flutter against my rib cage. "Oh, well thank, dear! I've worked very hard on it. It's nice to know that someone appreciates it."
I smiled at him, biting at my lip. Now I really couldn't think of anything else to say.
"I'm so sorry, but I've got to dash. It was a real pleasure meeting you though, Kate. I hope to run into you again," he said. William then took a step toward me and wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight in a hug. I frantically tried to hug him back, and it was one of the best hugs I had ever experienced. He was warm and comfortable, and smelled fantastic. He pulled back and smiled again, and I smiled in return.
"So long, William. See you around," I mumbled, almost inaudibly.
I took a deep breath and headed for the stairs. I didn't want to be down there by myself. I was feeling far too lonely, now, with all of this thinking of William. I shuffled up the stairs slowly, trying to control my thoughts and my memories. It was no use, of course. I couldn't manage to get his face out of my brain as I walked into my bedroom. I fell onto the bed, closing my eyes again as I started to sob softly.
My mind went back to that day I ran into him at the bank, and I thought of all the things I know now but didn't know then. The phone call he rejected was from his then girlfriend. He had ignored her just to have a small, awkward conversation with me. Of course, I know why did it now. He had a huge crush on me and wanted to have a chance to just talk to me. William and his girlfriend broke up not too long after that, but she moved out of the house, leaving him still living down the street from Julia. We ran into each other all of the time after that, and I realize now that it was never on accident. He was always trying to find a way to see me, as he told me years down the line. Before the two of us became close, one of my favorite things to do was to stay the night with Julia. We would act like teenagers again and sleep in the living room, stay up far too late listening to music and watching movies. After all, we were only twenty-two years old, so we were still entitled to act a little silly from time to time. We would fall asleep late in the night, nearly morning, but I always managed to wake myself up just in time so that I wouldn't miss it. I would get up in a sleepy haze and fumble my way to the front window and peek out of the curtains into the still dark street. Then, like clock-work, I would see William jogging down the sidewalk. He always went shirtless and wore a pair of tight spandex shorts. He had his iPod in nearly every single time, and he had the most beautiful stride I had ever seen. I would sit there for ten or fifteen minutes sometimes, just to catch a thirty second glimpse of William jogging in the early mornings. It was so worth it, too.
William and I started dating a few months after he became newly single. We took things slow, and we went out on a lot of dates. It was the perfect relationship, really. He was always so perfect, and always treated me so wonderfully. I had gone through a few tough relationships with men in the past, and because of how many times my heart had been broken, I was very hesitant with William. I told him early on that I had no plans on being intimate with him, and that I was planning to wait until I was married. I was fully prepared for him to dump me, or to tell me that I was crazy. But instead, he told me that he loved me even more for making that choice. That it was a choice more people should be making. In fact, from that moment on, he vowed to also wait until he was married. Little did we know that after two years of dating, we would marry each other.
I rolled over onto my side now, hugging my knees tightly against my chest as I continued to cry softly. No matter what I did, I always cried when I thought of William. Of course I cried, I told myself. He was my first love, my first husband. He was the perfect man, and I had screwed it all up.
The first year of our marriage was pure bliss. We moved into a little apartment together and started to make a nice little home in a peaceful residential area. William worked in landscaping and I had just been hired at an elementary school as a kindergarten teacher. Our lives were perfect, and I couldn't have asked for anything better. After our third anniversary, we left the little apartment and found a beautiful house in the suburbs, close to the school where I worked, and bought it. It was a great big spacious house, with quite a few bedrooms.
"In just a few years," William had said once, "all of these rooms will be filled with our sweet babies."
I believed what he said, and I couldn't wait until we started to build our family. But as our fourth year of marriage grew closer, and we were nowhere near having a child, I was starting to worry. We had been trying for nearly a year to get pregnant, but nothing seemed to be working. Finally, he scheduled an appointment for the both of us on a day we both had off from work. We went in and we were both tested. I was confident that there was nothing wrong with either of us, and that our problem was that we just weren't trying hard enough. In the back of my mind, though, I had a feeling that I was completely wrong.
The two of us sat in the exam room, William in the chair and me on the cold uncomfortable bed. I wasn't sure why I was placed up there, but I wasn't thinking much of it at the time. I kept looking at William and smiling, and he would smile back. I had never noticed that there were tears in his eyes.
The doctor came back in, a somber expression on his face. I was sure that it was all a joke, that he was just trying to be silly with us. But then when I glanced at William and saw that he had the same look, I knew something was wrong.
"So, what's the verdict?" I asked quietly. The doctor sat down across from me, taking his glasses off slowly.
"I'm so sorry, but it looks like you two can't have children," he replied. I frowned at him.
"Are you sure?" I said. He nodded, looking at me with one of the saddest expressions I had ever seen.
"Katie, sweetheart," William breathed, reaching out to take my hand. He was crying, now.
"Is it me, doctor? Am I the problem?" I asked, my voice quivering. I felt tears stinging at the corners of my eyes.
"Kate, don't ask that!" William exclaimed, frowning at me. I turned and looked at him, tears streaming down my cheeks. "It's not important."
"Yes, it is, William. If it's me, then..."
I let my voice trail off as I tried to blink away the tears. I looked back to the doctor and nodded at him. "Please, just tell me if I'm the problem."
He looked down at the file in his hands and flipped it open. He looked over some results and took a deep breath, lifting his head to meet my eyes again.
"I'm afraid you aren't capable of having children, Kate," he said quietly.
I was now shaking as I laid there on my bed, crying harder than I had in years.