breaks, beats, books and babies
there's been an outbreak of measles in the tokyo area. since this strain can be serious for adults my school has canceled all classes for next week. it's pretty sweet but i feel a little guilty for being happy when i know that its for something bad.
i didn't do anything for golden week cus i got lazy and had woman problems. this will be my chance to make up for it i guess. i'll still probably be lazy. it will be nice to be able to hang out with erica all day instead of having to go to class. i do want to do something. i'm planing on finally getting an mp3 player this weekend. it would be lovely to have it for the planes. i've been really missing music. but i've also been missing silence. i'll spend two or three days listening to music all day long and then three days with nothing. its kind of odd.
i'm in a very introspective mood right now. its odd. i really do love music. even if can't understand the words, or even if there are none, i'm addicted to the emotions in the melodies. its a good catharsis to just put my collection on shuffle and let everything go. a little bit of happy, sad, angry, love, and just the urge to dance all rolled into one. sometimes i'll sit a string of songs that just sound so connected, so perfectly right together, and i can just loose myself. sometimes i worry that i don't really let myself experience emotions outside of music. its always tempered with my impersonal side, living my life in the third person as tj so aptly calls it. oh well at least i have music. i want more music too. i want music to express every feeling and emotion i have. i don't think i'll ever be done. there are always new songs that express a feeling just a bit better than the last. and i'm still alive so i'll still be having new emotions that need songs to go with them. i think i'm going to need a bigger hard drive.
so in my time not spent at school i've been reading a lot. i like to lose myself in a good story and live out a life vicariously through the pages. the challenge is finding myself again when its all over. it used to feel as if i knew imaginary characters better than i knew myself sometimes. its most likely true. i haven't had as much time for reading these last few years. maybe i'm busy or maybe i'm actually becoming more interested in my own life. who knows. still every time i read a new story i get caught and pulled out of myself only to be poured back into this body tinted with foreign images and thoughts for days or years to come. one thing i know is that i don't like sad stories. they seem so pointless to me. life is full of sad stories and i don't need to read imaginary ones. we turn to stories to give us what we don't have in real life. i may be called naive when i say that i like it when good triumphs, when things go right, when lovers reconcile, or when everyone has happy endings but its not that. i like happy stories to remind myself that not all things end in sadness. if everyone dies or lives in misery then what was the point. now conflict, trouble, and a little sadness is fine. it makes a good story. but without the happy ending it just feels empty. when i read a story i get lost in it, living the characters lives with them, and the end is almost like a physical ending, a death, to me. happy endings leaving feeling as if i lived well and accomplished something. sad stories make me feel as if i suffered and died for nothing.
i've been reading to many romances recently. i'm starting to be lonely again. i don't like aching for a significant other because most of the time it just feels like a lesson in frustration and can be quite depressing. still i want someone to wrap their arms around me, kiss my neck, and whisper sweet things in my ear. i want to lay in those arms and listen to someone sleeping next to me. i want to do silly romantic things and laugh. i want to talk for hours and just be close to someone. even thinking about it slightly depressing. i've never been in a relationship, i've never felt requited love, and i've almost come to terms with being that way for forever. am i just desperate. i heard someone say the other day that bisexuals are just so desperate they'll take anything they can get. i don't think thats me but sometimes i worry. if i've never been with someone how do i know who or what i really like. its all just so confusing.
on top of that my biological clock is deciding to fuck with me. i swear its set like at least five years fast or something. in the last couple months i've been noticing little kids everywhere. and instead of finding annoying like usual i'm finding them cute. i actually smiled when i heard some kid throwing a fuss on the train. i hate screaming brats. i've been finding myself daydreaming about having kids. what it would be like, how i would act, but mostly little scenes with me talking or telling them storied. its so weird. i hate kids. i don't want to be a parent. i've done my time and i don't want to go another round. but something in my subconscious is fucking with my head royally. i would be pissed but its me doing it to myself so in the end i'm just really freaked out and confused.
i started using that new pulse mini-blog thing they have on xanga now but then i stopped. no one reads them and its nothing that i don't talk about regularly anyway. just another gimmick i guess. i do need to start uploading pictures again. my camera still isn't cooperating so i'm ticked at my computer for it. my computer also seems to have caught something funky and now the registry is messed up or something. i don't understand it but i don't really have anything i can do about it till i get home.
well thats all i got for now folks. enjoy another emotional dumping compliments of several sad songs and sad stories over the past hour. now back to your regularly scheduled lives. hope you all enjoy them cus there the only one you get.
i didn't do anything for golden week cus i got lazy and had woman problems. this will be my chance to make up for it i guess. i'll still probably be lazy. it will be nice to be able to hang out with erica all day instead of having to go to class. i do want to do something. i'm planing on finally getting an mp3 player this weekend. it would be lovely to have it for the planes. i've been really missing music. but i've also been missing silence. i'll spend two or three days listening to music all day long and then three days with nothing. its kind of odd.
i'm in a very introspective mood right now. its odd. i really do love music. even if can't understand the words, or even if there are none, i'm addicted to the emotions in the melodies. its a good catharsis to just put my collection on shuffle and let everything go. a little bit of happy, sad, angry, love, and just the urge to dance all rolled into one. sometimes i'll sit a string of songs that just sound so connected, so perfectly right together, and i can just loose myself. sometimes i worry that i don't really let myself experience emotions outside of music. its always tempered with my impersonal side, living my life in the third person as tj so aptly calls it. oh well at least i have music. i want more music too. i want music to express every feeling and emotion i have. i don't think i'll ever be done. there are always new songs that express a feeling just a bit better than the last. and i'm still alive so i'll still be having new emotions that need songs to go with them. i think i'm going to need a bigger hard drive.
so in my time not spent at school i've been reading a lot. i like to lose myself in a good story and live out a life vicariously through the pages. the challenge is finding myself again when its all over. it used to feel as if i knew imaginary characters better than i knew myself sometimes. its most likely true. i haven't had as much time for reading these last few years. maybe i'm busy or maybe i'm actually becoming more interested in my own life. who knows. still every time i read a new story i get caught and pulled out of myself only to be poured back into this body tinted with foreign images and thoughts for days or years to come. one thing i know is that i don't like sad stories. they seem so pointless to me. life is full of sad stories and i don't need to read imaginary ones. we turn to stories to give us what we don't have in real life. i may be called naive when i say that i like it when good triumphs, when things go right, when lovers reconcile, or when everyone has happy endings but its not that. i like happy stories to remind myself that not all things end in sadness. if everyone dies or lives in misery then what was the point. now conflict, trouble, and a little sadness is fine. it makes a good story. but without the happy ending it just feels empty. when i read a story i get lost in it, living the characters lives with them, and the end is almost like a physical ending, a death, to me. happy endings leaving feeling as if i lived well and accomplished something. sad stories make me feel as if i suffered and died for nothing.
i've been reading to many romances recently. i'm starting to be lonely again. i don't like aching for a significant other because most of the time it just feels like a lesson in frustration and can be quite depressing. still i want someone to wrap their arms around me, kiss my neck, and whisper sweet things in my ear. i want to lay in those arms and listen to someone sleeping next to me. i want to do silly romantic things and laugh. i want to talk for hours and just be close to someone. even thinking about it slightly depressing. i've never been in a relationship, i've never felt requited love, and i've almost come to terms with being that way for forever. am i just desperate. i heard someone say the other day that bisexuals are just so desperate they'll take anything they can get. i don't think thats me but sometimes i worry. if i've never been with someone how do i know who or what i really like. its all just so confusing.
on top of that my biological clock is deciding to fuck with me. i swear its set like at least five years fast or something. in the last couple months i've been noticing little kids everywhere. and instead of finding annoying like usual i'm finding them cute. i actually smiled when i heard some kid throwing a fuss on the train. i hate screaming brats. i've been finding myself daydreaming about having kids. what it would be like, how i would act, but mostly little scenes with me talking or telling them storied. its so weird. i hate kids. i don't want to be a parent. i've done my time and i don't want to go another round. but something in my subconscious is fucking with my head royally. i would be pissed but its me doing it to myself so in the end i'm just really freaked out and confused.
i started using that new pulse mini-blog thing they have on xanga now but then i stopped. no one reads them and its nothing that i don't talk about regularly anyway. just another gimmick i guess. i do need to start uploading pictures again. my camera still isn't cooperating so i'm ticked at my computer for it. my computer also seems to have caught something funky and now the registry is messed up or something. i don't understand it but i don't really have anything i can do about it till i get home.
well thats all i got for now folks. enjoy another emotional dumping compliments of several sad songs and sad stories over the past hour. now back to your regularly scheduled lives. hope you all enjoy them cus there the only one you get.