Serious thoughts and issues... for a change

[wanderingpixie]

PSA Warning Here: This post and all the others I am about to mention are about rape and sexual assault, their prevalence in society, and what the appropriate role of bystanders is. Please skip if you're so inclined.
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There is an idea circulating on my friends list... mostly in the circle of SCA folks from farther away... first wulfsdottir, then stitchwhich, dr_zrfq,

Comments

[angel_vixen]

I have a lot of things tumbling around in my brain after reading this (I'd been linked to Cereta's post a week-ish ago, and left comments there), but really the only thing I can do is say "I've been there; I hated myself for a long time afterward," and give you hugs (if those are okay).

AngelVixen :-)

[wanderingpixie]

Hugs are fine, although I appreciate the acknowledgment that they might not be =)

In return, I'm sorry you can empathize so easily. *hugs*

[angel_vixen]

I cried a lot when I made my replies to C's post; it was the first time in six years I'd said anything in public, and it was a lot more in detail than what I'd told the half-dozen people who knew (4 of them were boyfriends, because I figured I'd better be honest about why something might make me trigger unexpectedly, or why intimacy scared the living bejeezus out of me; not that it helped at all with one of them). But it felt good to get it out a little, because I'd been holding it in so long.

On the hugs -- I love to give hugs, but as with me sometimes, sympathy can make you feel worse, or having someone that close in your personal space means their concern/emotional reaction spills over onto you, and then you have to deal with that too, which you may not be able to just then. I'd rather not overload someone.

AngelVixen :-)

[wanderingpixie]

I hope you don't mind that went back to look for your reply over there. I am... wow... yeah. You have been through so much more than I can even imagine. I have no idea what to say.

And I am sorry for the small role I had in not protecting you during some of your later problems. I don't know that I could have done anything... but part of me thinks I should have been able to predict it if nothing else.

[byronhaverford]

When I first joined the SCA, there was one guy in particular who would cross these types of boundaries with all of the women around him. When I called him on it, I was pretty firmly shot down by everyone in the group. The consensus was that although many women would prefer he not do it, it's part of his personality and he's a great guy (which is true, by any estimate). So I made it clear that he is NOT to do that to my wife anymore, and he completely respects that request. He also tones it down somewhat whenever I am around. And we have become very close friends, in spite of this difference of opinion regarding societal norms.

I guess my point is that social groups often defend this sort of behavior, in ways that I find disturbing but many other people do not. I don't know for sure whether I am "right".

[wanderingpixie]

I've met that sort of person in the SCA quite often. And I'm not sure what the response should be. On the one hand, it has actually helped me a lot with pushing my own boundaries and being able to see that some men are flirtatious with no intent and that there really isn't much harm done by that in most instances

[jd7a]

As someone who has considered you a friend since freshman year, I'm sorry that I didn't know more about what happened with you two. There's so much emotion that goes on during those years, it's hard to figure out what the source of it all is.
You can hate me for saying this, but my opinion of you was downgraded quite a bit when you started dating whatshisname at the end of freshman year, just because of how up close and personal I was with his other relationships that year. I didn't know how you ended up at that point, but since I was to be roommates with his then-girlfriend, I was in a tough spot. I'd already had my own run-ins with him anyway, so his being unfaithful kinda drove me through the roof. It bothered me more because I knew you already and thought you a pretty reasonable person (still do, thankfully!). I'm sure you didn't really know what you were getting into either.

I'm glad you're in a good place now. I always knew demonlurking was a good guy and just needed to find the right person to be good for :)

[wanderingpixie]

I don't hate you for it at all. I learned after the fact that a lot of people felt that way (or similarly, for those who didn't already know me). There are some ways in which it was really good for me... given where I was coming from at that point. There were some ways in which it was bad, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Would I go back and change it given the option... I have no idea.

In defense of what happened (at least a little)... the best of my knowledge at the time did not include him being unfaithful. As far as I knew, he was recently single by the time he and I had anything actually happen. That may not have been the case... but I had no reason to suspect it at the time. And it was months before anyone confronted me with the idea that I might not have all the facts. So, yeah... I didn't know what I was getting into. That seems to be a common occurrence in his life.

And, yeah... I'm glad I'm in a good place now too. Just took me a long time to figure out how to get (and stay) here =)