a hedgehog crawls out from under a rock and says:
If I don't write this post in one go, I'll never write it -- which is what I've been (not)doing for the past three months -- so I'm just going to do it, sloppily, imperfectly, never mind that I wanted to say something meaningful about illness and loss and what it means to have the part of you that writes just shut down.
I've had a pretty rough time since January, health-wise at least. I seriously re-injured my lower back, twice, sending me back to weekly physio and doubling my pain levels. My rheumatoid arthritis meds quit working, for complicated reasons, and I had to go through a medication switch, which, uh, yeah; hell; the new drug, Actemra, isn't working as well as it needs to be. I got really sick with the flu, probably thanks to immunosuppression, and the bed rest that required set me back a good six months of hard work on my fibromyalgia; I'm almost back to pre-January functioning levels, now. I also had a fun two weeks where I thought I had macular damage from Plaquenil toxicity (all you need to know is: Plaquenil = RISK OF BLINDNESS), until my ophthalmologist told me that it was a false alarm, oops, sorry.
-- and at this point I'm just sort of like, fuck, what's next? I'm TIRED. But I'm okay, by at least 80% of definitions of the word.
I finished out my term, though I have two essays, a portfolio, and a presentation that I took extensions on and need to finish by mid-August. As of now, I'm at the point where I can write by hand occasionally, hold a book sometimes, do my necessary fibro-managing exercise, and do something like go out to dinner with friends for a couple of hours without worrying that my back is going to give out -- which is to say, I'm healthy enough to be able to distract myself (read a lot, listened to so much music I probably need new speakers, watched Stargate nonstop), though who knows if that's healthy.
I would say that I am probably not depressed, though I have a lot of shit to sort through in my head. There are psychological conequences, I guess, of getting so sick again so suddenly, after slowly working towards that elusive state of healthier, of okay-again. I've had the necessary realisation that I will never be "healthy" or "okay" again, not permanently, based on my pocketful of diagnoses and the fact that I've had an off-again-on-again relationship with depression for seven years. And that hey, that's life -- it's not perfect, it's not even good, but that's not what matters; now start living it!
In terms of Livejournal: I am sorry I haven't been here! I will try better to be here! The truth is, I'm not sure what to do with it. I've gotten out of the habit of journaling, for various reasons. Journalling has always been a sense-making activity, for me, a way to exert mastery through self-representation, but it's impossible to give narrative shape to the recurring events of illness and pain. Unless we're talking post-apocalyptic fiction -- I'm only half kidding -- anyway; I'm just beginning to journal again, privately. I don't know if I can handle it publicly yet. I rarely discuss what's happening to me with friends or family in any meaningful depth anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or just a thing, but it's the only way I can manage it right now. Of course, I can still post fic, write about TV, books, share music, comment -- which reminds me of apologies I need to make for abandonment, not commenting, missing birthdays, and not replying to emails; I will try my best to get to all of that, in time <3 -- but I don't know, it's more about the interaction than the content; what do you want to read?
What I really want to say, though, and ask, is, how can I keep in touch with all of you? Where are you at? I mean, this journal has always been more about the people, less about the personal chronicle, and even if I can't write about my life anymore I don't want to lose that -- you. I know some of you have moved to other places, but some of you have disappeared, so I'd love it if you'd let me know where I can find you -- here at livejournal, or dreamwidth; twitter, tumblr, email, Facebook (won't link this outright; ask me), GTalk (which I have a notoriously bad relationship with), hell, even text message (but only if you are a resident of Canada. My phone plan sucks.). So, uh, yeah. It's not necessary to comment on the rest of the paragraphs, but I'd like you to answer that question. :)
I've had a pretty rough time since January, health-wise at least. I seriously re-injured my lower back, twice, sending me back to weekly physio and doubling my pain levels. My rheumatoid arthritis meds quit working, for complicated reasons, and I had to go through a medication switch, which, uh, yeah; hell; the new drug, Actemra, isn't working as well as it needs to be. I got really sick with the flu, probably thanks to immunosuppression, and the bed rest that required set me back a good six months of hard work on my fibromyalgia; I'm almost back to pre-January functioning levels, now. I also had a fun two weeks where I thought I had macular damage from Plaquenil toxicity (all you need to know is: Plaquenil = RISK OF BLINDNESS), until my ophthalmologist told me that it was a false alarm, oops, sorry.
-- and at this point I'm just sort of like, fuck, what's next? I'm TIRED. But I'm okay, by at least 80% of definitions of the word.
I finished out my term, though I have two essays, a portfolio, and a presentation that I took extensions on and need to finish by mid-August. As of now, I'm at the point where I can write by hand occasionally, hold a book sometimes, do my necessary fibro-managing exercise, and do something like go out to dinner with friends for a couple of hours without worrying that my back is going to give out -- which is to say, I'm healthy enough to be able to distract myself (read a lot, listened to so much music I probably need new speakers, watched Stargate nonstop), though who knows if that's healthy.
I would say that I am probably not depressed, though I have a lot of shit to sort through in my head. There are psychological conequences, I guess, of getting so sick again so suddenly, after slowly working towards that elusive state of healthier, of okay-again. I've had the necessary realisation that I will never be "healthy" or "okay" again, not permanently, based on my pocketful of diagnoses and the fact that I've had an off-again-on-again relationship with depression for seven years. And that hey, that's life -- it's not perfect, it's not even good, but that's not what matters; now start living it!
In terms of Livejournal: I am sorry I haven't been here! I will try better to be here! The truth is, I'm not sure what to do with it. I've gotten out of the habit of journaling, for various reasons. Journalling has always been a sense-making activity, for me, a way to exert mastery through self-representation, but it's impossible to give narrative shape to the recurring events of illness and pain. Unless we're talking post-apocalyptic fiction -- I'm only half kidding -- anyway; I'm just beginning to journal again, privately. I don't know if I can handle it publicly yet. I rarely discuss what's happening to me with friends or family in any meaningful depth anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or just a thing, but it's the only way I can manage it right now. Of course, I can still post fic, write about TV, books, share music, comment -- which reminds me of apologies I need to make for abandonment, not commenting, missing birthdays, and not replying to emails; I will try my best to get to all of that, in time <3 -- but I don't know, it's more about the interaction than the content; what do you want to read?
What I really want to say, though, and ask, is, how can I keep in touch with all of you? Where are you at? I mean, this journal has always been more about the people, less about the personal chronicle, and even if I can't write about my life anymore I don't want to lose that -- you. I know some of you have moved to other places, but some of you have disappeared, so I'd love it if you'd let me know where I can find you -- here at livejournal, or dreamwidth; twitter, tumblr, email, Facebook (won't link this outright; ask me), GTalk (which I have a notoriously bad relationship with), hell, even text message (but only if you are a resident of Canada. My phone plan sucks.). So, uh, yeah. It's not necessary to comment on the rest of the paragraphs, but I'd like you to answer that question. :)