~ 54 ~ Grand Plans
As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
As a youth I did want to teach Muggles a hard lesson as I had been told and taught how they had always oppressed, used, tortured or killed us - wizards and witches and magical creatures. I wanted to show them that they could not do such terrible things to us without severe consequences. I had no intention of obliterating them off the face of the earth. I wanted to make them learn that we were not to be taken lightly or destroyed so easily. I wanted to prove our power over them all - even if they were far greater in number. I thought that it would be for the Muggle's own good because obviously they were not doing a very good job at running this world on their own. Wizards would have ruled over everyone and we would not have had to remain hidden away from everything but our own small communities.
I had grand plans.
I was also very naive to the real world.
I had only been living my childhood in a rather secluded village - growing up, allowed mostly free reign by my guardian Aunt. Then I was sent to Durmstrang - a school exclusively for wizards and witches so again I had very little contact with the outside world, and Muggles in particular. I did pick up some cultural things there, such as languages since the students attending were from various countries but I continued to be recklessly idealistic and thought I knew a great deal better than the teachers and other students and the tried-and-true-but-very-bland textbooks. In my enthusiasm I experimented with potions and with spells. I made no outstanding discoveries but a lot of dangerous mistakes, resulting in my eventual expulsion from the school. But I didn't care. I continued on - sent away to my great aunt in Godric's Hollow - which did interest me in a historical rumour - and there came a turning point. I met Albus Dumbledore.
I was never as close to anyone before or since, even though we only shared a few short months together. But they were exhilarating ones. It almost seemed as if we had a lifetime of talks in that time. There was such a connection between us that I cannot even begin to describe it in such a way that would make any sense except to those who have experienced something similar.
To say he changed the path of my life isn't entirely true. He merely showed me another way, perhaps parallel to the same track I was already on. A variation, but I never lost sight of my ultimate goals. He was the one to say our intentions should be for the greater good - and by then it had become OUR intentions and not just mine alone.
Oh, I can admit I used him. I know I do that with a lot of people. Especially in my youth it was very easy to turn on the charm and get exactly what I wanted. Not that I needed to do that very much with him. We were incredibly like-minded. I'm sure his later friends and followers wouldn't believe how much we were like twin souls in our way of thinking and our enthusiasm in the dream of a better world for wizards.
I used him, yes, but I also cared for him deeply, more so than for anyone else. That I didn't realise how much is one of my greatest regrets. The way we parted was sudden and tragic. I never wished any harm upon his troubled sister. His brother was another matter but that boy never did understand what we were trying to achieve.
And so I left my great friend and Godric's Hollow and began my search in earnest for that which I believed would help me in my future plans. A fabled wand of unbeatable power. Within the next fifteen years I did find it - not a myth after all, but a reality - and with it I continued toward my goals. I had always found it to be very easy to defeat others one-on-one. My magical power and skill were rarely equalled and I know people began to fear me. I revelled in that for a time. It was another sense of power and it furthered my reputation - though not always for the better. At the time it did not bother me that I was steadily being thought of as a dangerous and dark wizard. These things are not bad in themselves, but other rumours did begin to spread and very little of anything positive I may have done or said was getting out. Only the negative. If I'd hurt somebody you could be sure it would get out and people would know about it. This is something I should have tried to stop early on.
I admit that I did hurt people. I hurt some very badly. I did murder people. But always, as I believed, with a greater purpose in mind.
I know this does not make it right. I have done much thinking over the last couple of weeks especially. What I have done and what I need to do. Do I wish that I could change things? Some things, certainly. Do I regret my actions? Most of them, no. Some of them, most definitely. Of course I regret that I brought such a negative image of myself to the world. It was of my own doing, of course. I know some things have been exaggerated but there is no denying that I have done terrible things in my life. Things that perhaps did not have as much purpose as I claimed at the time. I was careless with life - both my own and with others. I was careless with many things.
Without my magic I am struggling. I have to admire that Muggles can even exist without everyday magic to help them. How patient and skilled many of you must be. I relied on magic greatly but of course I took it for granted. I'm a wizard. I've never known anything else and haven't had to deal with complete loss of magic ever before. It is difficult for me and I've felt quite useless at times. But I am not feeling sorry for myself - I am merely contemplating it all.
Pardon the musings of a tired old wizard, if you do read this. I am writing this for myself even though it is public for all to see. I would welcome thoughts and other perspectives, if people here have something to say.