It's all kind of a blur.
update:
A bunch of shitty stuff happened.. but, today I'm pretty over it.
I have been keeping a journal on my itouch notes these days; I've obv haven't used livejournal in years... I emailed the notes to myself today, so I figured I do a little copy and paste.
April 29, 2009
I feel perfect, which is rare. I love being held so tight. Makes me believe he needs me in his arms as much as I want to be in them.
May 1, 2009
My back is killing me. Need Caleab to rub it better.
Kevin called yesterday. Stoked to hear from him even though he's learning how to break-dance.
Video chat with Kev for two hours = awesome conversation.
May 3, 2009
Caleab, Derek, Tony and I.. pizza, beers, and sleepovers. Good times.
May 5, 2009
Caleab gave me the best haircut I've ever had last night.
Also; Soft serve ice cream. Hampton beach. Photographs. Driving stick. Fish and chips with a side of lobster. Drinks and haircuts.
Great day yesterday: great day.
May 6, 2009
Every shoot or potential shoot I've planned thus far has fallen through. Damn it. Tomorrow will be the deal breaker.
May 10, 2009
I'm currently unhappy with my work as a whole. I plan on changing that by the end off this week. I need to feel pride and stand behind my work.. Come on really, if I think it's all crap so will the judges.
I don't want to be miserable anymore.
May 13, 2009
He always gets ice in my orange juice.
May 18, 2009
Gregory Heisler -
Funny guy.
One thing you should take with you, lighting, study your work, bring you to your work, be more than just a shooter.
Study light!! Different lighting situations.
May 18, 2009
Get over it.
May 24, 2009
He stopped to buy .25$ kool-aid from a little boy on the side of the road. It was adorable and sparked a memory.
We drove to Worcester and ate at Tortilla Sams.
Also he saw a beautiful pink and green moth at the gas sation on the way home and shared it with me.
May 24, 2009 [2]
Sometimes I actually enjoy driving over bridges.
I think it has to do with viewing things from a new perspective.
May 27, 2009
Sleep last night was terrible: toss and turned, hot and cold, bad dreams, and a pain that I've been feeling lately that may end up being kidney stones. Hoping not.
Being at school is strange.
I feel like a reck. I cry at the most random moments. I hate how I feel and who I am. I hate how I lost me ... somehow in all of this.
I don't understand how I did all of this to better my life and I ended up here.. Dealing with this ridiculous shit and these ridiculous people.
On a side note: great moments and happy memories are killing me.
May 28, 2009
I've decided that at this point it's not fun anymore.
I have felt perfect quite a few times and I'm lucky for that.. Even more so to have shared it with someone I hold so close.
Maybe it's because we don't share it anymore. No not maybe.
May 29, 2009
Why is it that when your in the moment you believe it is all going to be worth it in the end?
And almost 5 months later you want to die from the knowledge of what you had and no longer have. The fact that you have nothing left to look forward to when you wake up in the morning. And the fact that he's not going to randomly grab you, hold you tight and surprise you with a kiss brings tears to your eyes.. No matter who you're infront of or were you are..
June 2, 2009
I hate how this changes the date when you have to make an edit.
Today has been tough. I'm mad at myself and I get beyond fustrated with Caydence. Beyond fustrated.
Yesterday ended up being a better day. Caleab's portfolio was accepted and after he came to pick up Cayd and I. He brought us to meet his mother, sister, and mothers boyfriend. We ended up going to the pint to eat diner and stayed there to have drinks with his sister. Then went to see his mom again at the bandb. They were all nice ESP. his mom. I'm glad I got to meet her. It was really nice of him to pick us up and introduce us to them.
---
It's been a crazy life and I missed writing done a lot of it. But, I'm grateful because, for the most part what I didn't put down on paper I don't want to remember anyhow.
A bunch of shitty stuff happened.. but, today I'm pretty over it.
I have been keeping a journal on my itouch notes these days; I've obv haven't used livejournal in years... I emailed the notes to myself today, so I figured I do a little copy and paste.
April 29, 2009
I feel perfect, which is rare. I love being held so tight. Makes me believe he needs me in his arms as much as I want to be in them.
May 1, 2009
My back is killing me. Need Caleab to rub it better.
Kevin called yesterday. Stoked to hear from him even though he's learning how to break-dance.
Video chat with Kev for two hours = awesome conversation.
May 3, 2009
Caleab, Derek, Tony and I.. pizza, beers, and sleepovers. Good times.
May 5, 2009
Caleab gave me the best haircut I've ever had last night.
Also; Soft serve ice cream. Hampton beach. Photographs. Driving stick. Fish and chips with a side of lobster. Drinks and haircuts.
Great day yesterday: great day.
May 6, 2009
Every shoot or potential shoot I've planned thus far has fallen through. Damn it. Tomorrow will be the deal breaker.
May 10, 2009
I'm currently unhappy with my work as a whole. I plan on changing that by the end off this week. I need to feel pride and stand behind my work.. Come on really, if I think it's all crap so will the judges.
I don't want to be miserable anymore.
May 13, 2009
He always gets ice in my orange juice.
May 18, 2009
Gregory Heisler -
Funny guy.
One thing you should take with you, lighting, study your work, bring you to your work, be more than just a shooter.
Study light!! Different lighting situations.
May 18, 2009
Get over it.
May 24, 2009
He stopped to buy .25$ kool-aid from a little boy on the side of the road. It was adorable and sparked a memory.
We drove to Worcester and ate at Tortilla Sams.
Also he saw a beautiful pink and green moth at the gas sation on the way home and shared it with me.
May 24, 2009 [2]
Sometimes I actually enjoy driving over bridges.
I think it has to do with viewing things from a new perspective.
May 27, 2009
Sleep last night was terrible: toss and turned, hot and cold, bad dreams, and a pain that I've been feeling lately that may end up being kidney stones. Hoping not.
Being at school is strange.
I feel like a reck. I cry at the most random moments. I hate how I feel and who I am. I hate how I lost me ... somehow in all of this.
I don't understand how I did all of this to better my life and I ended up here.. Dealing with this ridiculous shit and these ridiculous people.
On a side note: great moments and happy memories are killing me.
May 28, 2009
I've decided that at this point it's not fun anymore.
I have felt perfect quite a few times and I'm lucky for that.. Even more so to have shared it with someone I hold so close.
Maybe it's because we don't share it anymore. No not maybe.
May 29, 2009
Why is it that when your in the moment you believe it is all going to be worth it in the end?
And almost 5 months later you want to die from the knowledge of what you had and no longer have. The fact that you have nothing left to look forward to when you wake up in the morning. And the fact that he's not going to randomly grab you, hold you tight and surprise you with a kiss brings tears to your eyes.. No matter who you're infront of or were you are..
June 2, 2009
I hate how this changes the date when you have to make an edit.
Today has been tough. I'm mad at myself and I get beyond fustrated with Caydence. Beyond fustrated.
Yesterday ended up being a better day. Caleab's portfolio was accepted and after he came to pick up Cayd and I. He brought us to meet his mother, sister, and mothers boyfriend. We ended up going to the pint to eat diner and stayed there to have drinks with his sister. Then went to see his mom again at the bandb. They were all nice ESP. his mom. I'm glad I got to meet her. It was really nice of him to pick us up and introduce us to them.
---
It's been a crazy life and I missed writing done a lot of it. But, I'm grateful because, for the most part what I didn't put down on paper I don't want to remember anyhow.