(no subject)
I know I should really post here more. It is just that I never know what to say that I would want everyone to read. Not that I think anyone would read it anyway.
First off, I guess biggest thing on my mind, besides a certain Canadian not keeping his word to me, is my failure at grad school. I had to drop out of the program because I could not do it. There is just so much shit going on that I could not concentrate.
That shit would include the impending implosion of my marriage. . which is also pressing on my mind lately. It can't last too much longer. The drama is so thick around here. I feel absolutely terrible about not being able to keep it together, like it is my fault. If I had stayed like I was and not changed this past year, I would be unhappy, sure, but my kid would not be having to deal with all the shit around here. But no, I had to lose weight and start going to shows and dressing differently. Having a life. Being an interesting person. How dare I? He just can't deal with it. I have not really been in love with him for a long time, if I ever was. He has never treated me like a person, with respect. Maybe he just satisfied some need for self-punishment in me. But I no longer feel the need to make myself suffer. That has passed. I just don't want my kid to suffer. However, the time has come where she will suffer more if I don't do something. The other day she told me she wants him out of the house. That she hates the way he treats me. I asked her how was that and she said, "He treats you like a piece of shit, or his property. I hate to see you treated that way." I don't want to see her hate her dad. It makes me sad.
And then there is the fact that I am not doing so well at my job. I need my job more than I need another degree, so I have to set a priority. My principal does not like me at all so I am a little worried about what she is plotting behind my back. I know that sounds paranoid but if it is true. She has "gotten" several people already. I need to make sure I get my act together and keep it together. That is hard for someone like me.
I feel relieved that I no longer have all that shit hanging over me. It was starting to really weigh on me.
Oh and my legs hurt like HELL because that personal trainer of mine is an evil sadist, and I love her for it. Stats today are: Weight 122 lbs., Fat 22.5%. The only bad part is the alarming shrinkage of my chest. *mourns for lost boobage* Oh well, that is what plastic surgery is for!
I promise to update more often. I have a lot of shit to get off my chest.
First off, I guess biggest thing on my mind, besides a certain Canadian not keeping his word to me, is my failure at grad school. I had to drop out of the program because I could not do it. There is just so much shit going on that I could not concentrate.
That shit would include the impending implosion of my marriage. . which is also pressing on my mind lately. It can't last too much longer. The drama is so thick around here. I feel absolutely terrible about not being able to keep it together, like it is my fault. If I had stayed like I was and not changed this past year, I would be unhappy, sure, but my kid would not be having to deal with all the shit around here. But no, I had to lose weight and start going to shows and dressing differently. Having a life. Being an interesting person. How dare I? He just can't deal with it. I have not really been in love with him for a long time, if I ever was. He has never treated me like a person, with respect. Maybe he just satisfied some need for self-punishment in me. But I no longer feel the need to make myself suffer. That has passed. I just don't want my kid to suffer. However, the time has come where she will suffer more if I don't do something. The other day she told me she wants him out of the house. That she hates the way he treats me. I asked her how was that and she said, "He treats you like a piece of shit, or his property. I hate to see you treated that way." I don't want to see her hate her dad. It makes me sad.
And then there is the fact that I am not doing so well at my job. I need my job more than I need another degree, so I have to set a priority. My principal does not like me at all so I am a little worried about what she is plotting behind my back. I know that sounds paranoid but if it is true. She has "gotten" several people already. I need to make sure I get my act together and keep it together. That is hard for someone like me.
I feel relieved that I no longer have all that shit hanging over me. It was starting to really weigh on me.
Oh and my legs hurt like HELL because that personal trainer of mine is an evil sadist, and I love her for it. Stats today are: Weight 122 lbs., Fat 22.5%. The only bad part is the alarming shrinkage of my chest. *mourns for lost boobage* Oh well, that is what plastic surgery is for!
I promise to update more often. I have a lot of shit to get off my chest.