2.14.4H: the_bigshow
Hamsters can have sex 75 times a day.
This had to be one of the worst blind dates she’d ever been on. Hell, this had to be one of the worst dates she had been on, period. Usually her blind dates were pretty good, but this time-she didn’t know what planet this guy was from, but he needed to go back there. Because she really, really doubted that he was going to be able to find someone who he could click with here. And she usually tried to avoid saying things like that about people, but it needed to be said with this one. Because really-who’s going to want to have a second date with a guy that opens with:
“Did you know that hamsters can have sex seventy-five times a day?”
And the weird random sex facts? Only managed to get weirder after that.
Now Sandy wasn’t the kind of girl who would come up with excuses to bail on dates. She wasn’t the girl who would go to her friend for a rescue if the date was bad. But here she wasn’t even going to bother trying to be the better person. She needed to stop before he started offering to share his porn collection, and she would have to explain that, ya know what, she really wasn’t in to that kind of thing, and to top it all off-she was pretty sure the guy hadn’t bathed in a few months. As soon as he informed her in his own special way that he needed a bathroom break and his back was turned to her, she was diving for her phone, dialing her brother’s phone number and waiting impatiently for him to pick up.
“Hello?”
“Help me,” she hissed, looking slightly frantic, even though she knew he couldn’t see it.
“Aren’t you supposed to be on the date that Charlie set you up with?”
“The man knows how many times a hamster has sex a day, Eddie.”
There was a very long silence, and she was beginning to think that the call was dropped when his voice came up again. “-why?”
“I have no idea.”
“Get me out of here.”
“-how?”
“I don’t know-give me an excuse, something-I’ve never done this before.”
“Death in the family?”
“Really?”
“I have no idea-I’ve never done this before either.” There was the heavy sigh on the other end, one she immediately recognized as ‘you’re taking a rather stupid approach to this and you should do it this way.’ “Why don’t you just tell him it’s not working out?”
“Honestly, Eddie? I don’t think he’ll get the message.”
“Well, what do you want me to do, Sandy? Magically teleport myself to where you are and save you?”
“Could you?”
“Sandra.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do, Eddie?”
“You’re smart. I’m sure you’ll figure it out in one way or the other.”
“Yeah, but I’m not good at telling people these things without a prepared excuse.”
“So basically, you’re better at lying than telling the truth.”
Well, when you say it that-” She cut herself off as her date starts to make his way back to the table. “-what? Aunt Celia just passed?”
“-what the-”
“What happened?” her date frowned, giving her a concerned look.
“Of course-I’ll be home right away.”
“No, you won’t-you’ll go kick Charlie’s ass first.”
“What happened?” her date repeated.
“Bye, Ed,” she sighed as she hung up, then looking up and doing her best to look choked up and depressed. “My aunt-she just passed.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”
“I’m very, very sorry, but I need to go-my brother’s not taking this that well.”
“Well, do you want me to come with you? I could help.”
“No, no-this really is a family thing,” she said with a sigh. “But thank you, though-and I’m sorry about this.”
“Oh, well, it was nice-”
Sandy was already gone before he was finished, climbing into a cab, and dialing her phone again, pulling up the number for the man who had put her in this position to begin with.
“Charlie? I’m heading over there now. I’m going to kill you.”
702 words
This had to be one of the worst blind dates she’d ever been on. Hell, this had to be one of the worst dates she had been on, period. Usually her blind dates were pretty good, but this time-she didn’t know what planet this guy was from, but he needed to go back there. Because she really, really doubted that he was going to be able to find someone who he could click with here. And she usually tried to avoid saying things like that about people, but it needed to be said with this one. Because really-who’s going to want to have a second date with a guy that opens with:
“Did you know that hamsters can have sex seventy-five times a day?”
And the weird random sex facts? Only managed to get weirder after that.
Now Sandy wasn’t the kind of girl who would come up with excuses to bail on dates. She wasn’t the girl who would go to her friend for a rescue if the date was bad. But here she wasn’t even going to bother trying to be the better person. She needed to stop before he started offering to share his porn collection, and she would have to explain that, ya know what, she really wasn’t in to that kind of thing, and to top it all off-she was pretty sure the guy hadn’t bathed in a few months. As soon as he informed her in his own special way that he needed a bathroom break and his back was turned to her, she was diving for her phone, dialing her brother’s phone number and waiting impatiently for him to pick up.
“Hello?”
“Help me,” she hissed, looking slightly frantic, even though she knew he couldn’t see it.
“Aren’t you supposed to be on the date that Charlie set you up with?”
“The man knows how many times a hamster has sex a day, Eddie.”
There was a very long silence, and she was beginning to think that the call was dropped when his voice came up again. “-why?”
“I have no idea.”
“Get me out of here.”
“-how?”
“I don’t know-give me an excuse, something-I’ve never done this before.”
“Death in the family?”
“Really?”
“I have no idea-I’ve never done this before either.” There was the heavy sigh on the other end, one she immediately recognized as ‘you’re taking a rather stupid approach to this and you should do it this way.’ “Why don’t you just tell him it’s not working out?”
“Honestly, Eddie? I don’t think he’ll get the message.”
“Well, what do you want me to do, Sandy? Magically teleport myself to where you are and save you?”
“Could you?”
“Sandra.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do, Eddie?”
“You’re smart. I’m sure you’ll figure it out in one way or the other.”
“Yeah, but I’m not good at telling people these things without a prepared excuse.”
“So basically, you’re better at lying than telling the truth.”
Well, when you say it that-” She cut herself off as her date starts to make his way back to the table. “-what? Aunt Celia just passed?”
“-what the-”
“What happened?” her date frowned, giving her a concerned look.
“Of course-I’ll be home right away.”
“No, you won’t-you’ll go kick Charlie’s ass first.”
“What happened?” her date repeated.
“Bye, Ed,” she sighed as she hung up, then looking up and doing her best to look choked up and depressed. “My aunt-she just passed.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”
“I’m very, very sorry, but I need to go-my brother’s not taking this that well.”
“Well, do you want me to come with you? I could help.”
“No, no-this really is a family thing,” she said with a sigh. “But thank you, though-and I’m sorry about this.”
“Oh, well, it was nice-”
Sandy was already gone before he was finished, climbing into a cab, and dialing her phone again, pulling up the number for the man who had put her in this position to begin with.
“Charlie? I’m heading over there now. I’m going to kill you.”
702 words