Life, Underwater- 4/6
“... Jensen?”
The word comes out as a choked off whisper, and Jared is vaguely aware that he is gripping the phone too hard, fingers curled too tightly around the casing. Breath snarls painfully in his throat, refusing to budge.
The world may actually stop spinning for a minute, maybe a year. Time has ceased to exist, for all Jared knows. Because the literal two seconds he waits are the longest of his life.
“Jared.”
Jared has heard his name a thousand different ways. He has heard it said in frustration, in celebration, in greeting, in passing. He has heard it in glee, in defeat, in lust, and in sorrow.
In this moment, it's like none of those times matter. It's like this is the first time anyone has said his name, the only time.
The noise that escapes Jared's throat is an odd cross between sputtering, sobbing, and laughing and he makes no attempt to restrain it. Over the past couple months, he has listened to that voice many times, through home videos and played back voicemail messages, but nothing, nothing compares to hearing it in real time.
“Jared?” Jensen's voice repeats through the receiver, an undercurrent of questioning to his tone. Jared manages to croak out something in acknowledgment, noticing as he looks down at his hands that his whole body is shaking.
“Jay. Hey. Hi,” Jensen sounds breathless, like he is just as awed as Jared feels. “How. Shit. How are you? Are you alright?”
“I, uh,” Jared says after a pause to regain some semblance of composure, fingers raking nervously though his hair. “Yeah. I'm. Fuck.”
Jensen's laugh in response sends Jared's heart into all-out seizures, pounding and restricting against his ribcage so hard he feels through his arms, through his legs. He might actually be having a heart attack in this moment, but he can't bring himself to care.
Jensen is here. Jensen is alive. Jared can die happy now.
“I know, man, I know,” Jensen smiles, voice warm. “But, seriously. How you doing?”
This is the conversation he has been dreaming about, but Jared is having a hard time finding his words. Every time Jensen pauses, all he wants is for him to say something else, anything else. Keep talking. Because at every pause brings a silence that the distance between them lengthens, a blank space that can't be filled because he can't see Jensen. In those moments of silence, Jared can't prove that Jensen is alive, that he's breathing. That he's real.
He needs to see Jensen.
“Where are you?” Jared asks, getting to his feet. Schrader, who has been feigning disinterest at the other end of the porch under the illusion of giving them privacy, is at his side at an instance.
“Jared, sit down,” he urges. “You really should-”
“Are you inside?” Jared asks, ignoring the officer as he turns and walks to the door, footwork shaky but strong.
“Yeah, Jay, but I-”
The door handle gives and the door swings open. Jared's eyes dart around the Ackles' living room wildly, searching for any sign of Jensen.
“Jen?” he yells, voice revealing more panic than he intended. Schrader is a lingering presence behind him, like an overly protected parent overseeing their child's first steps, but he seems to have given up on the notion that he can keep Jared from Jensen, like anyone ever could.
“Jens-” the word ends abruptly as Jensen rounds the corner, stopping in his tracks as he meets Jared's eyes.
Jared nearly collapses at the sight of the man in front of him, lungs aching like the wind has been knocked clean out of him. Jensen is only feet away, staring at Jared with eyes blown wide and bright. His weight loss is more pronounced in person, in the lithe form of his body beneath his oversized t-shirt and sweatpants, but he's alive. Somehow, he's alive and the proof is too sudden, too much to stomach.
Jared's legs are his strongest feature, thickly muscled from years spent in the pool, but even they aren't strong enough to deal with this. As he takes a step forward, drawn like the pull of a magnet, his knees buckle. Schrader's lurking pays off, in the form of strong hands wrapped around the backs of Jared's biceps, steadying him just enough to keep him from falling.
Jared hasn't broken eye contact with Jensen, who quickly closes the gap, stopping inches from Jared.
“Hey,” he smiles shyly, the sight of it like a punch to the stomach. He's too thin and too dark, but he is still absolutely the most beautiful thing Jared has ever seen. Tightness wells in Jared's throat, and he reaches out for the boy in front of him, hands blindly pawing for purchase.
The moment his fingers touch skin, warm and alive beneath his fingers, Jared loses it. The second a sob escapes from Jared, Jensen's arms are around him, his body colliding with Jared's. Weak as he may look, Jensen is surprisingly strong. The arms holding up Jared encircle him with a crushing tightness and Jensen is holding more of his body weight than Jared would like to admit.
The moment is so surreal, so impossible that it takes a second for Jared's mind to catch up, to hear the words pouring out of his own mouth.
“Oh god, oh god. Oh fuck. Oh my god...”
“Hey,” Jensen says, voice soothing as his arms constrict even tighter. “It's okay. It's alright. I'm here.”
And of course, that is the one thing that could be said to make Jared bawl even harder. Because he is. Jensen is here. Jensen is here and it's impossible and real and the best thing that has ever happened in Jared's life.
“I love you,” he babbles. “Oh fuck, Jen, I love you so much.”
“I love you, too.” Jensen's fingers smooth over Jared's hair, gentle like he is the most precious thing in the whole goddamn world. He draws away just far enough to plant a soft kiss on Jared's temple, flush against the hairline, before rewrapping his body around him. “I missed you. God, Jared. I missed you every goddamned second.”
Jared nods, vaguely aware of the tear-slicked mess he's leaving behind, his face buried firmly in the crook of Jensen's neck. There, he can feel Jen's pulse point, the reassuring thump thump beating in perfect rhythm. He counts the beats, unconsciously at first, counts them in time with his own. The rhythms fall in perfect synchronicity, steady like they never stopped.
For the first time in months, he feels alive. For the first time in months, he actually wants to be.
___________________________
After that, time passes in waves. They finally separate after hours or minutes or seconds, Jared isn't quite sure. There is sound around him, people talking, people talking to him, but everything blurs to dull hum. His sole focus is on Jensen, soaking in the sight like he is starving for it.
Jensen's eyes don't leave his, not for a second.
The waves pulsate in shocks of reality, simple and staggered: Jensen's family is here. Jared sits down with them. Jensen's mom is crying, Mackenzie is crying. He is crying. Jensen's fingers wrap around his own, holding him tight. People are talking, he is talking, but all Jared can see is the grip Jensen has on his hand.
As reality begins to take hold, Jared is struck with all the nuances he lost grip on in the last couple of months, the little facts of the man he loves that have faded from his mind. The exact angle of Jensen's jawline. The exact arrangement of the freckles on his nose. The way his eyes light up, the way his whole body does. The pitches of his voice and how they waiver, the set of his shoulders when he relaxes.
How could I forget, Jared wonders with disgust. Then he considers what those weeks were like, moving underwater beneath the weight of his grief. Drowning in it, in despair so heavy there was no breaking the surface. He remembers the hopelessness, how it felt like he was a ghost in his own life, like he was buried along with Jensen but his body continued on.
It's easy to forget the pain in Jensen's presence, with Jensen sitting next to him on the Ackles' couch, breathing and smiling and living.
Everyone looks more than a little shell shocked, eyes wide with emotion and the undercurrent of disbelief. It's more than a little reminiscent of the night everything went down, a group of people so caught up in their own emotions and struggle to believe the new reality that has been sent their way. It feels too surreal to be true, much like that night did, but this time it feels more like a dream than a nightmare.
Even Officer Schrader looks shaken when he reenters the room, inhaling deeply like this day on the job has taken an unprecedented toll on him. Every aspect of his being looks completely exhausted, from the way he moves to the slump of his shoulders. His eyes are rimmed in pink, like he has been fighting back tears for hours, and the set of his mouth is caught somewhere between a smile and a frown.
Jared is suddenly filled with the simultaneous desire to both hug the man for what he has given him and attack him for what his organization was a part of taking away from him. In the end, he stays in his seat, stays quiet. It seems everyone else has made the same decision, eyes watching him with an air of indifference. It really isn't fair to shoot the messenger, especially when the man is so clearly already down.
“The news will hit soon, I reckon,” Schrader says, clearing his throat. “Within the next couple of days. I'm just giving you the heads up, because there will be people trying to get to you. Reporters. News crews. Lawyers. I'd tell anyone that needs to know before then. Just as common courtesy.
“If anyone gives you too much trouble, don't hesitate to give us a call. The last thing we want is for more stress to be put on your family. From the Austin Police Department, I would like to extend our deepest apologies. Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry.”
After a beat of silence, Alan speaks up. “Thank you,” he says, clearing his throat.
Schrader nods in acknowledgment. “I'll leave your family be, now. I'm sure you have a lot to catch up on. Again, don't hesitate to call us if you notice anything amiss.”
“We will,” Donna assures, fingers looped tightly with her husband's on the loveseat across from Jared.
Schrader nods, gesturing toward the front door. “I'll let myself out.” He does so without another word, leaving with a suddenness that makes Jared believe the waiver of the man's voice wasn't in his imagination.
The door closes quietly, but the noise resounds loudly in the quiet room. The silence that sets in is a reflection of the mood of the room, everyone so lost in their own thoughts that conversation seems needless. After a beat, Jared feels a squeeze on his hand. He turns to see Jensen staring at him, a soft smile playing at the corners of his lips.
“You alright?” he asks, words kept light above the underlying concern.
Jared can't help but laugh. It's just so Jensen, to have spent the last two months missing and half-starved and think that Jared is the one who needs worried about. “I'm fine,” he says, voice betraying the words with an obvious shake. “I'm good.”
Jensen looks less than convinced, but nods anyway.
“I...” Jared starts before breaking off. There is an awkwardness between them that Jared isn't accustomed to, but there really isn't a class in school for how to deal with this sort of thing. Jared is just so awestruck that Jensen is here right now, that he's even alive right now, that words refuse to come to him.
In all honesty, Jared would love to just pivot around in his seat and all-out stare at Jensen, drinking in every aspect of him. He wants to catalog every change on Jensen's body, wants to pull him in his arms and hold him. He wants to listen to Jensen's heartbeat, wants to feel the thump thump of his pulse against his skin. Jared just wants every possible proof in the world that this is real, that he isn't just making this up.
There's a possibility that this is all fake, that Jared has finally lost it and is locked in a padded room somewhere, lost in some delusion. The thing is, even if this is a delusion, even if this is somehow not real, he has more of Jensen than he ever thought he would have again.
If he's crazy, commit him. Because he isn't giving this up.
___________________________
Donna insists on making dinner, though everyone tells her that really isn't necessary. She combats their protests with a tearful, “But my baby is home.” That does a good job of shutting everyone up.
The silence is pervasive, like everyone is so concerned this moment is made of glass that even speaking a word will take it back. It's like everyone is too concerned the universe is playing some cruel joke on them to even speak, like the act alone will reverse everything this day has brought them.
Jensen’s dad makes a few anger-fueled declarations, heartfelt promises to call a lawyer in the morning and “sue the shit out of those bastards.” Who “those bastards” are exactly, Jared isn’t quite sure. The police. The city. Everyone in the greater Austin area, possibly the entire Western hemisphere. The threat is unclear, but they all nod along in quiet agreement.
Someone needs to pay. Everyone needs to pay.
“How are you feeling?” Mackenzie manages eventually, breaking the sense of vengeance that has descended upon the dinner table. She has been idly pushing her food around on her plate throughout the meal, eyes locked on her brother. She looks paler than usual, the dark circles she has collected within the last couple months standing out in stark contrast to the red that rims her eyes. She looks broken, but glowing, like the light in her world has finally come back on and she can start living again.
“Good,” Jensen says, shooting her a reassuring smile. “Really. A bit tired, but that will get better. Just glad to be home.” Jared feels himself react, face twisting into a watery smile along with everyone else in the room.
Home. Jensen's home.
___________________________
There is kind of the unspoken agreement amongst the Ackles family that Jensen will be staying here with them. It's said in the way Alan keeps checking the locks on the doors and windows, making sure they are secured for the night. It's said with Donna's promise to make Jensen's favorite dinner tomorrow, in her offhanded comment that Jensen's room is the same as he left it, bed and all. It's said in the way Mackenzie keeps settling close to Jensen's side, like if he were to step out the door even just for a breath of fresh air, she would flip.
And Jared, he understands. He even thinks it's for the best, considering the situation. The last thing he wants to do is take Jensen away from his family, to deny them the comfort he feels having him in their presence.
Jared can't ignore the feeling, however, that he isn't quite sure where he fits in this plan. He knows there came a certain acceptance of the relationship he and Jensen shared with time, that Jensen's family had accepted him more and more each day. After Jensen passed, there were more outspoken declarations of acceptance, all of which reached their peak with the exchange Jared had with Alan in the living room that day a couple weeks ago.
Jared thinks it's an unspoken rule that he and Jensen are a packaged deal, but when it comes time to think about turning in for the night, he isn't quite sure where he'll rest his head.
And that isn't quite true. He's sure, with a fiery certainty, that he will not be leaving this place tonight. He won't be going home, because his home is here, right by Jensen's side. Still, he is drained to the point of nothing, and the prospect of having to fight Jensen's family to stay where he belongs is one he doesn’t want to face.
Luckily, Donna turns to him as Mackenzie wraps her arms around her brother to tell him goodnight and says, “I think it's for the best that Jensen stays here a while. You are absolutely welcome to stay as long as you want, Jared. Okay? I mean that. All I ask is that you leave the door open a smidge, so I can peek in and check on him at night, alright?”
Jared nods, fully understanding the need to check and make sure this is really real, that Jensen isn't a cruel dream.
Still, he's so afraid of waking up that he can't imagine he'll be sleeping much tonight.
___________________________
They're in Jensen's old room all of two seconds before Jensen spins him against the wall and crashes his mouth against his. The kiss lands with such bruising force that at first it's just a painful clash of skin and teeth, so uncoordinated that it almost feels like a punch to the face. Jensen's entire body falls against his, and he darts a hand out to brace himself before pulling back slightly.
By this point Jared's brain has caught up to what's going on, and he snakes a hand up to cup Jensen's jaw. He cradles Jensen's face in that hand, steadying the kiss to become less painful and more enjoyable. Jensen deepens it almost immediately, sneaking his tongue in Jared's mouth with a desperation that surprises Jared. He feels like he's moving in slow motion, like Jensen's the only thing moving in real time and he's struggling to catch up. When he does, though, it's good, and it doesn't take long for the kiss to reach full on make out status, each of them grasping and pulling at one another like they're starving for it.
Jensen is the one that finally pulls back, staring at him with eyes wide and almost crazed. Running a hand over the back of his mouth, his stare shifts serious.
“We okay?” he asks, breathless and, suddenly, Jared is running to catch up.
“What?” Jared breathes, furrowing his brow, honestly confused.
“You and me,” Jensen clarifies, gesturing between the two of them. “Are we okay?”
Jensen makes no more sense in trying to explain his question than he did the first time. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, like... are we alright?” Jensen says, running a hand over his hair in frustration. “Are you mad at me?”
This time, Jared full on gapes. “Why would I be mad?” Being mad is the pretty much the furthest thing from Jared's mind right now. His mood right now is somewhere between I'm so happy I might actually die and hey, I just won the lottery.
“The last time we saw each other. You were pissed.”
And, really, Jared loves Jensen. Always has. Always will. But the absurdity of that statement amongst everything that has happened between then and now is just so ridiculous that Jared can't help but look at him like he is the dumbest person he has ever met.
“You think I'm... holy fuck, Jensen. Are you serious?”
“I don't know,” Jensen cries, throwing his hands up in the air. “I just wanted to make sure-”
“You wanted to make sure right after you shove your tongue down my throat?” Jared asks, still staring at Jensen like he has grown a second head. This time, a giddy laugh is bubbling in his throat and Jensen gives him a look as he bursts into full out laughter, feigning more annoyance than the smile he's trying to hide warrants.
“Well, you know,” Jensen shrugs, sheepishly scratching at the back of his neck. He's blushing, just ever so slightly beneath his thick tan, and in that moment Jared is struck not for the first time with how fucking beautiful he is. He's perfect, literally everything he wants in the world in one person, and somehow he's here. Somehow, his prayers were answered and Jensen is standing in front of him, eyes alit with life. Somehow, Jensen came back for him.
“Fuck,” Jared caves, reaching out and pulling Jensen to his chest. He wraps his arms around him as tightly as he can, burying his face in his neck. “I love you, Jensen. I love you so fucking much and I missed you, and fuck-”
“It's alright,” Jensen reassures, sensing Jared is on the edge of a breakdown. “I'm here.”
The truth of that is so painfully amazing that a sob escapes Jared's throat, and Jensen just holds him with strong arms, hands rubbing calming circles on his back.
“I missed you so much,” Jared whispers, so miserably broken from the nightmare he has woken up from that he can't even pretend to hold himself together any longer. “Fuck. I couldn’t breathe without you. It was like I couldn’t even breathe.”
Jensen's response is to hold him just that much tighter.
___________________________
“You tired?” Jared asks as Jensen snuggles against him, resting his cheek on Jared's chest. Jared curls his arm around him, soaking in the solid warmth of his boyfriend at his side.
“Exhausted,” Jensen admits on a long exhale, eyes slipping shut once more.
“Then sleep.” Jared isn't naïve enough to believe that Jensen is awake right now for anything other than Jared's own benefit. The doctors said that what Jensen's body needs most right now is lots of sleep and good nutrition, and he'll be damned if Jensen gets anything less based on some misguided need to put Jared's needs before his own.
Sighing, Jensen snuggles a bit closer.
Full minutes pass in silence, and Jared is positive Jensen has fallen asleep. Taking advantage of the state of unconsciousness, Jared shamelessly stares at the boy. Up close, Jared can count the freckles on Jensen's nose, across his cheeks. He's glad to know that they are still there, still part of the Jensen he remembers beneath the change the last couple of months have brought him.
Jensen startles Jared moments later. “Stop staring, you freak.”
Surprised laughter escapes Jared, as foreign as it is familiar. He can't remember the last time he laughed, previous to tonight, can't remember the last time he smiled this much. It's him sitting in a place he has been dying to get back to, resting amongst the comfort and happiness just being in the same room as Jensen brings him.
“I can't help it, princess,” he smiles, raking his fingers over the back of Jensen's head. “You're just so damn pretty.”
Snorting, Jensen shakes his head against Jared's chest. “Go to sleep, Jay. I'll still be here when you wake up.”
Half an hour later, and Jared's fast asleep, fingers skimming delicately over the pulse point beneath Jensen's jaw. Strong and steady. Real and sure.
Part Five