[comingorgoing] finding somewhere you belong
Title: finding somewhere you belong by meitachi
ID: comingorgoing
Word count: 3078
Character(s) or pairing(s): Heechul, Henry, Hankyung
june
in june, heechul watches super junior happy debut and promote their single from the couch in front of his tv. he cocks his head and stares at yesung, sometimes, wondering how different things would be if he were on screen instead of yesung, if it were super junior trot instead of super junior happy. he wonders and strokes heebum thoughtfully and shakes his head at last, because these are the kind of thoughts that get him in trouble.
he posts frequently to his cyworld, but he knows how to watch what he writes now. he makes irreverent posts about learning dances and about heebum, but he says nothing about how useless or discarded he feels occasionally, watching the world and the other members carry on without him.
he makes up for it by acting especially hyper and silly when the other members are around, and he fools them all except shindong.
shindong pulls heechul aside one night so late it's morning, after a busy schedule on his part and a night of surfing the internet on heechul's part. he smiles at heechul and says, "hey. let's catch up. what's wrong?"
heechul doesn't know what to make of this. he tries to joke it off, dismissive and flippant, but the grin fades from shindong's face. he closes the door to his and donghae's room, sits on the empty bed, gives heechul a look. "i'm serious, hyung." he's silent after that, waiting for heechul to pick up the thread, to continue this thing he's started.
heechul has never been good with obligation, but shindong's eyes are sympathetic and he's always been a good listener.
so heechul talks, beginning haltingly. he feels stupid, feels betrayed, feels replaced. he stops abruptly in the middle of a long diatribe about how he can't get a decent night's sleep because eeteuk keeps coming back at three or four in the morning, and how that makes him feel irritable but also guilty as hell. he stops and his expression tightens because his pride has finally caught up with his mouth.
"no," he says flatly. "i'm done with this conversation. i won't wallow in self-pity like this."
he leaves the room before shindong can say anything useless like "it's okay" or "it's normal to feel that way". heechul doesn't care.
***
two days later, sungmin stumbles into heechul's room early in the morning before the day has really started for either of them and climbs into heechul's bed. he ignores heechul's sleepy complaints and threats as he wraps his arms around him.
"what the fuck," heechul asks in a muffled voice.
sungmin only squeezes him tighter, burying heechul's face into his shoulder. "shut up and take it like a man," he orders. "i love you, hyung."
***
when kangin starts texting him reminders to eat and eeteuk starts spending the night in yesung's room, heechul suspects that he may not be as good of an actor as he believes. maybe he has fooled no one at all. the suspicion is confirmed when kibum stops by with take-out, a video game, and a smile. heechul is tempted to kick him out on the spot but in the end he invites him in and forgets to post cryptic half-truths on his cyworld that night, too busy trying to kick kibum's ass at mario kart.
***
heechul is happiest when the other members briefly return to korea from china. he is truly animated once more, talking and gesturing and mocking without the hint of melancholy that has shadowed his jokes for the past few weeks. hankyung rolls his eyes and tells heechul in fumbling Korean, his accent stronger than before--heechul scowls at this--that "you haven’t changed a bit". shiwon clings to heechul more than he used to and though heechul scowls at that too, he doesn't push him away, because it's been almost a month and a half since he's allowed shiwon the privilege of holding him.
everything is louder when they're together, and heechul laughs more, but they're still busy. super junior happy is busy, super junior m is busy, and so is kibum. everyone is always on the go. in what feels like a blink of the eye, super junior m is gone again, and kibum is on set daily again, and super junior happy scatters to their respective DJing and MCing, coming together every so often for a performance.
heechul is alone again, sometimes in the dorms, sometimes visiting friends that aren't idols with crazy schedules. he practices a lot, dances that he has to learn and dances he wants to learn--he's mastered so hot already--but he still has too much time to spare. it can be a good thing, his managers tell him. take a break. you need it.
what heechul needs is a reminder that he's necessary, at least as more than heebum's food-provider, but even he is surprised that he gets it.
even though super junior m is back in china and all the other members are off doing their own things, yesung takes the time to crack especially lame jokes for heechul's enjoyment (or irritation). eeteuk talks to him, asks for advice, sometimes, in the occasional half hour they manage to be in the same room. kangin takes him out drinking. hankyung texts, even though the costs must be exorbitant. donghae calls.
even though heechul is still alone in a crowd of people, he finds that he doesn't mind so much. as the weather grows ever-hotter towards the end of june, and heechul lounges in front of the only air conditioner in the dorms, a little smug that he has monopoly on it, heechul finds that he's not as lonely as he felt three, four weeks ago.
sometimes, a little effort goes a long way. heechul ponders this as he drags lazy fingers through heebum's fur and fans himself with his free hand. to the people who love you, he concludes, a little effort is never too much give.
july
in july, sm entertainment lets henry return to canada for a week. the entire affair is kept hush, so well that at least half the members of super junior don't even know about it. only super junior m knows, and they can't begrudge henry a short trip back to see his family when it's been almost a year since the last time. hankyung remembers too well what it's like to be so far away from home, so he fights the hardest for henry's right to the trip even though it means the rest of the group will have to rearrange their schedules to keep the news from the media.
for a week in mid-july, super junior m holds no promotional activities, ostensibly on a well-deserved break. the five original members of super junior are back in korea, making a splash, keeping the fans and reporters occupied, so no one notices that henry is missing.
he sits on the plane back to toronto in a window seat, which sucks because he'll have to climb over strangers' legs whenever he needs to go to the bathroom, but at least he has a good view. a view of endless sky and clouds that gets shut behind the window shade after an hour, because other people want to sleep. henry's not tired at all, so he pulls out his ipod and listens to music that is anything except chinese or korean pop.
it's strange to hear english again--english and french, since he's on an air canada flight. it's strange that no one is trying to speak chinese at him, too fast for him to catch and sometimes too advanced for him to understand even if he catches it. it's strange that no one is speaking korean at him either, a language he's not quite mastered, but manages to hold stumbling conversations in with people who don't understand either chinese or english. what counts as a foreign language now?
henry's never been good at languages, but he never had to be before. when he was in high school, all he really cared about was hanging out with his friends, practicing his violin, and maybe how to skim three shakespeare plays before his next english test.
it's weird to think about how much his life has changed in the past year, just because one of his friends encouraged him to audition. he was pretty confident about his chances--henry knew he was good, he was cocky back then--but he hadn't really fully understood what winning would mean. a year ago, he never would have guessed he'd be trying to speak korean and chinese, learning how to dance in sync with six other boys. a year ago, he hadn't even heard of super junior. the extent of his knowledge of korean culture had been some of his friends gushing over the latest drama they'd downloaded from the internet--girly romance stuff he hadn't cared about.
life is strange, and unexpected. henry falls asleep to the callings's wherever you will go playing in his ears.
and between the sand and stone, will you make it on your own?
***
when henry sees his parents and sister again, everything is like it used to be, except that his parents won't stop asking him questions about korea and china and his sister won't stop asking questions like, "do you know how gay you look in some of those interviews?"
his mom insists on feeding him his favorite meal, his father comments on sino-korean politics, and his sister starts going through his luggage, hoping to find the autographed merchandise she made him promise to bring back so she can sell to her friends.
henry laughs a little and practices some of the chinese he's learned. his mom beams at him.
it's good to be home.
***
he gets eight hours of sleep every day that he's in canada but he wakes up feeling disoriented, as if he has cotton stuffed between his ears. it's hot in toronto, but not the same sticky heat of china. it's different because here there's central air-conditioning and lots and lots of cars and far fewer people.
it's quieter in toronto, even with his sister on the phone all the time, even with the presence of two of his closest friends he invites over because he can't go out and risk being seen in public, according to his manager.
his friends laugh and joke with him, sincerely curious about his experiences in asia, but never passing an opportunity to pull the "gay" joke on him. henry doesn't try to explain "skinship" to them because the first time he tried, they'd made lewd jokes for two hours straight.
no one tries to touch him here beyond a friendly punch to the arm or a manly bump of shoulders.
it's different at home, but henry's not sure he minds. as much as likes the other members, lixu and shiyuan and han geng-ge, this is toronto. this is his comfort zone and his years of childhood and his home.
***
when henry returns to korea a week later, he's greeted by an enthusiastic hug from ryeowook that knocks off his baseball cap. hankyung grins at him and wraps an arm around his shoulder, asking in chinese about his trip. shiwon ruffles his hair affectionately.
henry smiles tentatively at them, because toronto is home, and different, but this isn't so bad either.
he sits and talks to them a bit, filling them in and answering their questions. ryeowook is hanging on to every word, eyes bright, and henry knows there is no one like him back in canada. donghae wanders in some time later and pats henry on the cheek a few times, absently, before wandering into a different room. kyuhyun stops by to catch the end of henry's story; zhou mi texts him that night and welcomes him back.
it's not toronto, and it's not the same, and sometimes he still stumbles over korean or chinese and feels helpless when he says the word in english only to be met with blank stares, but henry thinks that a little bit of home will be with wherever super junior m is.
august
in august, han geng accomplishes one of his biggest life dreams--except that's not really quite right, because he has never dared to dream of something like this before. his dreams when he was little were about, at first, being an astronaut; later, about being a famous and successful dancer; even now, they are about finding the right girl to marry. his dreams have varied and changed over the years, growing from humbler wishes to grander hopes, but never once in all those years did han geng dream he would one day be holding the torch for the olympics.
it's better than a dream come true.
***
five years in korea have taught han geng about adjustment and adaptation, possibly more than he ever wanted to know. he's learned what it feels like to be outcast, to be rejected and unwanted and judged. he's learned what it feels like to receive wary looks, or sighs of exasperation, and what it feels like to smile without comprehension at a joke. he's learned what it's like to miss home, and a sense of belonging, so much that it physically aches, eating him up from inside.
but that's not the only thing he's learned, thankfully, or he would have given up on this dream. among the other things he's learned--welcome and patience and tenuous understanding, hard work and achievements, debuts and success--the one thing matters most are the friendships that transcend language barriers. he's learned to smile, and mean it.
over the years, han geng has found a reason to stay in korea. twelve reasons, in fact. or thirteen, if he counts the dream of success as well. but han geng has always maintained that he is still chinese, despite the protests heechul lodges frequently, loudly declaring han geng, hankyung, is fully korean (albeit one who needs to improve his korean).
han geng smiles and indulges him, because he loves heechul and he knows heechul means well, but at the end of the day, he still thinks in chinese, dreams in chinese, calls home to his mother in chinese. he puts his heart and soul behind super junior m because he wants the chance to shine in his own country, for fans that will understand the words coming out of his mouth, who will open their hearts to super junior, his group and his family. he wants to bring super junior to china, figuratively and literally.
so when this new dream his begins to see fruition, as long meetings end on a positive note, han geng thinks: finally. his heart is nearly bursting with relief, gratitude, and the desire to prove himself. finally.
months later, after protests and boycotts and sleepless schedules and a successful debut, han geng walks into an interview as the leader of super junior m, with six other members behind him. he greets the MCs, he shares his story, his conversation, and he does it in chinese, with a smile.
the fans scream for him. they cry for him. they shout, "welcome home, han geng."
***
it's not that he doesn't love korea from the very bottom of his heart, with every fiber of his being, because he does. it's not china, but it's home, too, because it has heechul and shiwon and eeteuk and kangin and donghae and yesung and shindong and ryeowook and kyuhyun and eunhyuk and kibum and sungmin. it has people like kang hodong, who took hankyung under his wing, and managers that hankyung has seen day in and day out for nearly five years, who are friends as much as hyungs. korea has kimchi friend rice and bulgolgi, has sbs inkigayo, where han geng's dream first came true. korea has female celebrities that hankyung has had crushes on, and tv shows he likes to watch, and a really nice e-mart by the dorms where he ducks in on occasion to sample food.
korea is not china, but that doesn't mean hankyung, han geng, loves it any less.
he just loves it differently.
***
china, though, china is han geng's birthplace and his roots and his family and his past. heilongjiang province is home to his ancestors, and beijing the home to his parents, now. china is han geng's shaping influence, a part of his very essence, something that can be glimpsed every time he performs one of those ethnic minority dances. MCs will smile and exclaim in excitement, entertained by his performance, but they don't realize that he is baring a part of his soul. even when donghae whines for beijing fried rice, or heechul laughs hysterically at the mongolian chopstick dance or mocks hankyung's accent, they are tapping into a part of his heritage.
"you don't understand," he tells heechul helplessly, shrugging when he can't find he words.
"they don't understand," he says to shiwon, who nods earnestly, always a conscientious listener, but he doesn't understand either.
"they don't understand," he repeats to zhou mi, who understands.
so it's not the same when kangin slaps him on the back with a hearty "congratulations!", or when sungmin flushes in excitement and leaps at him with a hug, or when eunhyuk murmurs a much shyer but equally sincere, "congratulations, hyung." it's not the same as when he sees the light dawning in zhou mi's eyes, admiration equally colored by envy, as he says, "wow, ge. that's amazing. that's really something to be proud of."
it's not the same as when he hears his mother's voice on the phone, catching, as she says, "i'm so proud of you. congratulations."
because this is a part of himself that will belong only to china. this is the part that realizes a dream he never dared dream until that early august day, humid and hot, running down a road lined with cheering spectators on both sides. han geng grins at the cameras and at the world as he holds the torch high, jogging in time to his pounding heart.
this one is for china.
***
but, he thinks, as he's smothered in hugs and exclamations and declarations of pride a few hours later, in a loud jumble of chinese and korean and even english, this is for korea too. this is for everyone who ever believed in him and gave him a reason.
ID: comingorgoing
Word count: 3078
Character(s) or pairing(s): Heechul, Henry, Hankyung
june
in june, heechul watches super junior happy debut and promote their single from the couch in front of his tv. he cocks his head and stares at yesung, sometimes, wondering how different things would be if he were on screen instead of yesung, if it were super junior trot instead of super junior happy. he wonders and strokes heebum thoughtfully and shakes his head at last, because these are the kind of thoughts that get him in trouble.
he posts frequently to his cyworld, but he knows how to watch what he writes now. he makes irreverent posts about learning dances and about heebum, but he says nothing about how useless or discarded he feels occasionally, watching the world and the other members carry on without him.
he makes up for it by acting especially hyper and silly when the other members are around, and he fools them all except shindong.
shindong pulls heechul aside one night so late it's morning, after a busy schedule on his part and a night of surfing the internet on heechul's part. he smiles at heechul and says, "hey. let's catch up. what's wrong?"
heechul doesn't know what to make of this. he tries to joke it off, dismissive and flippant, but the grin fades from shindong's face. he closes the door to his and donghae's room, sits on the empty bed, gives heechul a look. "i'm serious, hyung." he's silent after that, waiting for heechul to pick up the thread, to continue this thing he's started.
heechul has never been good with obligation, but shindong's eyes are sympathetic and he's always been a good listener.
so heechul talks, beginning haltingly. he feels stupid, feels betrayed, feels replaced. he stops abruptly in the middle of a long diatribe about how he can't get a decent night's sleep because eeteuk keeps coming back at three or four in the morning, and how that makes him feel irritable but also guilty as hell. he stops and his expression tightens because his pride has finally caught up with his mouth.
"no," he says flatly. "i'm done with this conversation. i won't wallow in self-pity like this."
he leaves the room before shindong can say anything useless like "it's okay" or "it's normal to feel that way". heechul doesn't care.
***
two days later, sungmin stumbles into heechul's room early in the morning before the day has really started for either of them and climbs into heechul's bed. he ignores heechul's sleepy complaints and threats as he wraps his arms around him.
"what the fuck," heechul asks in a muffled voice.
sungmin only squeezes him tighter, burying heechul's face into his shoulder. "shut up and take it like a man," he orders. "i love you, hyung."
***
when kangin starts texting him reminders to eat and eeteuk starts spending the night in yesung's room, heechul suspects that he may not be as good of an actor as he believes. maybe he has fooled no one at all. the suspicion is confirmed when kibum stops by with take-out, a video game, and a smile. heechul is tempted to kick him out on the spot but in the end he invites him in and forgets to post cryptic half-truths on his cyworld that night, too busy trying to kick kibum's ass at mario kart.
***
heechul is happiest when the other members briefly return to korea from china. he is truly animated once more, talking and gesturing and mocking without the hint of melancholy that has shadowed his jokes for the past few weeks. hankyung rolls his eyes and tells heechul in fumbling Korean, his accent stronger than before--heechul scowls at this--that "you haven’t changed a bit". shiwon clings to heechul more than he used to and though heechul scowls at that too, he doesn't push him away, because it's been almost a month and a half since he's allowed shiwon the privilege of holding him.
everything is louder when they're together, and heechul laughs more, but they're still busy. super junior happy is busy, super junior m is busy, and so is kibum. everyone is always on the go. in what feels like a blink of the eye, super junior m is gone again, and kibum is on set daily again, and super junior happy scatters to their respective DJing and MCing, coming together every so often for a performance.
heechul is alone again, sometimes in the dorms, sometimes visiting friends that aren't idols with crazy schedules. he practices a lot, dances that he has to learn and dances he wants to learn--he's mastered so hot already--but he still has too much time to spare. it can be a good thing, his managers tell him. take a break. you need it.
what heechul needs is a reminder that he's necessary, at least as more than heebum's food-provider, but even he is surprised that he gets it.
even though super junior m is back in china and all the other members are off doing their own things, yesung takes the time to crack especially lame jokes for heechul's enjoyment (or irritation). eeteuk talks to him, asks for advice, sometimes, in the occasional half hour they manage to be in the same room. kangin takes him out drinking. hankyung texts, even though the costs must be exorbitant. donghae calls.
even though heechul is still alone in a crowd of people, he finds that he doesn't mind so much. as the weather grows ever-hotter towards the end of june, and heechul lounges in front of the only air conditioner in the dorms, a little smug that he has monopoly on it, heechul finds that he's not as lonely as he felt three, four weeks ago.
sometimes, a little effort goes a long way. heechul ponders this as he drags lazy fingers through heebum's fur and fans himself with his free hand. to the people who love you, he concludes, a little effort is never too much give.
july
in july, sm entertainment lets henry return to canada for a week. the entire affair is kept hush, so well that at least half the members of super junior don't even know about it. only super junior m knows, and they can't begrudge henry a short trip back to see his family when it's been almost a year since the last time. hankyung remembers too well what it's like to be so far away from home, so he fights the hardest for henry's right to the trip even though it means the rest of the group will have to rearrange their schedules to keep the news from the media.
for a week in mid-july, super junior m holds no promotional activities, ostensibly on a well-deserved break. the five original members of super junior are back in korea, making a splash, keeping the fans and reporters occupied, so no one notices that henry is missing.
he sits on the plane back to toronto in a window seat, which sucks because he'll have to climb over strangers' legs whenever he needs to go to the bathroom, but at least he has a good view. a view of endless sky and clouds that gets shut behind the window shade after an hour, because other people want to sleep. henry's not tired at all, so he pulls out his ipod and listens to music that is anything except chinese or korean pop.
it's strange to hear english again--english and french, since he's on an air canada flight. it's strange that no one is trying to speak chinese at him, too fast for him to catch and sometimes too advanced for him to understand even if he catches it. it's strange that no one is speaking korean at him either, a language he's not quite mastered, but manages to hold stumbling conversations in with people who don't understand either chinese or english. what counts as a foreign language now?
henry's never been good at languages, but he never had to be before. when he was in high school, all he really cared about was hanging out with his friends, practicing his violin, and maybe how to skim three shakespeare plays before his next english test.
it's weird to think about how much his life has changed in the past year, just because one of his friends encouraged him to audition. he was pretty confident about his chances--henry knew he was good, he was cocky back then--but he hadn't really fully understood what winning would mean. a year ago, he never would have guessed he'd be trying to speak korean and chinese, learning how to dance in sync with six other boys. a year ago, he hadn't even heard of super junior. the extent of his knowledge of korean culture had been some of his friends gushing over the latest drama they'd downloaded from the internet--girly romance stuff he hadn't cared about.
life is strange, and unexpected. henry falls asleep to the callings's wherever you will go playing in his ears.
and between the sand and stone, will you make it on your own?
***
when henry sees his parents and sister again, everything is like it used to be, except that his parents won't stop asking him questions about korea and china and his sister won't stop asking questions like, "do you know how gay you look in some of those interviews?"
his mom insists on feeding him his favorite meal, his father comments on sino-korean politics, and his sister starts going through his luggage, hoping to find the autographed merchandise she made him promise to bring back so she can sell to her friends.
henry laughs a little and practices some of the chinese he's learned. his mom beams at him.
it's good to be home.
***
he gets eight hours of sleep every day that he's in canada but he wakes up feeling disoriented, as if he has cotton stuffed between his ears. it's hot in toronto, but not the same sticky heat of china. it's different because here there's central air-conditioning and lots and lots of cars and far fewer people.
it's quieter in toronto, even with his sister on the phone all the time, even with the presence of two of his closest friends he invites over because he can't go out and risk being seen in public, according to his manager.
his friends laugh and joke with him, sincerely curious about his experiences in asia, but never passing an opportunity to pull the "gay" joke on him. henry doesn't try to explain "skinship" to them because the first time he tried, they'd made lewd jokes for two hours straight.
no one tries to touch him here beyond a friendly punch to the arm or a manly bump of shoulders.
it's different at home, but henry's not sure he minds. as much as likes the other members, lixu and shiyuan and han geng-ge, this is toronto. this is his comfort zone and his years of childhood and his home.
***
when henry returns to korea a week later, he's greeted by an enthusiastic hug from ryeowook that knocks off his baseball cap. hankyung grins at him and wraps an arm around his shoulder, asking in chinese about his trip. shiwon ruffles his hair affectionately.
henry smiles tentatively at them, because toronto is home, and different, but this isn't so bad either.
he sits and talks to them a bit, filling them in and answering their questions. ryeowook is hanging on to every word, eyes bright, and henry knows there is no one like him back in canada. donghae wanders in some time later and pats henry on the cheek a few times, absently, before wandering into a different room. kyuhyun stops by to catch the end of henry's story; zhou mi texts him that night and welcomes him back.
it's not toronto, and it's not the same, and sometimes he still stumbles over korean or chinese and feels helpless when he says the word in english only to be met with blank stares, but henry thinks that a little bit of home will be with wherever super junior m is.
august
in august, han geng accomplishes one of his biggest life dreams--except that's not really quite right, because he has never dared to dream of something like this before. his dreams when he was little were about, at first, being an astronaut; later, about being a famous and successful dancer; even now, they are about finding the right girl to marry. his dreams have varied and changed over the years, growing from humbler wishes to grander hopes, but never once in all those years did han geng dream he would one day be holding the torch for the olympics.
it's better than a dream come true.
***
five years in korea have taught han geng about adjustment and adaptation, possibly more than he ever wanted to know. he's learned what it feels like to be outcast, to be rejected and unwanted and judged. he's learned what it feels like to receive wary looks, or sighs of exasperation, and what it feels like to smile without comprehension at a joke. he's learned what it's like to miss home, and a sense of belonging, so much that it physically aches, eating him up from inside.
but that's not the only thing he's learned, thankfully, or he would have given up on this dream. among the other things he's learned--welcome and patience and tenuous understanding, hard work and achievements, debuts and success--the one thing matters most are the friendships that transcend language barriers. he's learned to smile, and mean it.
over the years, han geng has found a reason to stay in korea. twelve reasons, in fact. or thirteen, if he counts the dream of success as well. but han geng has always maintained that he is still chinese, despite the protests heechul lodges frequently, loudly declaring han geng, hankyung, is fully korean (albeit one who needs to improve his korean).
han geng smiles and indulges him, because he loves heechul and he knows heechul means well, but at the end of the day, he still thinks in chinese, dreams in chinese, calls home to his mother in chinese. he puts his heart and soul behind super junior m because he wants the chance to shine in his own country, for fans that will understand the words coming out of his mouth, who will open their hearts to super junior, his group and his family. he wants to bring super junior to china, figuratively and literally.
so when this new dream his begins to see fruition, as long meetings end on a positive note, han geng thinks: finally. his heart is nearly bursting with relief, gratitude, and the desire to prove himself. finally.
months later, after protests and boycotts and sleepless schedules and a successful debut, han geng walks into an interview as the leader of super junior m, with six other members behind him. he greets the MCs, he shares his story, his conversation, and he does it in chinese, with a smile.
the fans scream for him. they cry for him. they shout, "welcome home, han geng."
***
it's not that he doesn't love korea from the very bottom of his heart, with every fiber of his being, because he does. it's not china, but it's home, too, because it has heechul and shiwon and eeteuk and kangin and donghae and yesung and shindong and ryeowook and kyuhyun and eunhyuk and kibum and sungmin. it has people like kang hodong, who took hankyung under his wing, and managers that hankyung has seen day in and day out for nearly five years, who are friends as much as hyungs. korea has kimchi friend rice and bulgolgi, has sbs inkigayo, where han geng's dream first came true. korea has female celebrities that hankyung has had crushes on, and tv shows he likes to watch, and a really nice e-mart by the dorms where he ducks in on occasion to sample food.
korea is not china, but that doesn't mean hankyung, han geng, loves it any less.
he just loves it differently.
***
china, though, china is han geng's birthplace and his roots and his family and his past. heilongjiang province is home to his ancestors, and beijing the home to his parents, now. china is han geng's shaping influence, a part of his very essence, something that can be glimpsed every time he performs one of those ethnic minority dances. MCs will smile and exclaim in excitement, entertained by his performance, but they don't realize that he is baring a part of his soul. even when donghae whines for beijing fried rice, or heechul laughs hysterically at the mongolian chopstick dance or mocks hankyung's accent, they are tapping into a part of his heritage.
"you don't understand," he tells heechul helplessly, shrugging when he can't find he words.
"they don't understand," he says to shiwon, who nods earnestly, always a conscientious listener, but he doesn't understand either.
"they don't understand," he repeats to zhou mi, who understands.
so it's not the same when kangin slaps him on the back with a hearty "congratulations!", or when sungmin flushes in excitement and leaps at him with a hug, or when eunhyuk murmurs a much shyer but equally sincere, "congratulations, hyung." it's not the same as when he sees the light dawning in zhou mi's eyes, admiration equally colored by envy, as he says, "wow, ge. that's amazing. that's really something to be proud of."
it's not the same as when he hears his mother's voice on the phone, catching, as she says, "i'm so proud of you. congratulations."
because this is a part of himself that will belong only to china. this is the part that realizes a dream he never dared dream until that early august day, humid and hot, running down a road lined with cheering spectators on both sides. han geng grins at the cameras and at the world as he holds the torch high, jogging in time to his pounding heart.
this one is for china.
***
but, he thinks, as he's smothered in hugs and exclamations and declarations of pride a few hours later, in a loud jumble of chinese and korean and even english, this is for korea too. this is for everyone who ever believed in him and gave him a reason.