#03 - Vulnerability
Title: Vulnerability
Author: elebridith
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Eliot Spencer/Lindsey McDonald
Universe: my Face Value!Verse, a Leverage/Angel crossover
Wordcount: 2710
Summary: Nightmares, misunderstandings and confessions
Disclaimer:Not mine, nope, nothing. just playing
A/N: Beta'd by havenward . Part of a verse, they are together now for ten months.
Eliot closed the door behind him, dropped his bag on the floor and exhaled forcefully. Home. Finally. Note to self: never use that hotel again. Another two days in that bed and I'd need a new spine. He moved to the living room, a little surprised that Lindsey hadn't called out to him by now. He stopped as he saw him standing by the window, looking outside. He frowned. "Linds?"
Lindsey actually startled at the sound, but his face lit up as he turned around. "Hey. Sorry, I was... ah, doesn't matter now." He cupped Eliot's face and kissed him softly. Eliot returned the kiss, but looked concerned as he pulled back from it. "Anything wrong?" He studied Lindsey's face and now noticed the small telltale signs - dark shadows under his eyes and fine lines around eyes and mouth that screamed sleep deprivation. Eliot snorted as Lindsey just shook his head. "Bullshit. I can see it, Linds. What's goin' on?"
Lindsey shook his head again, but avoided his eyes. "Nothin'. Really, it's okay. I'm just... tired. Didn't sleep well." He gave Eliot a small smile. "Never can, when you're gone."
Eliot narrowed his eyes. He was tired himself, a little stiff from hours on the train, but even in this state he could pick up that Lindsey wasn't exactly telling the truth. There had been a little wavering in his voice, a little too much force on the "nothin'", one flicker in his eyes too many. He stepped back and tilted his head. "That's not it." He tried to keep his irritation out of his voice and forced himself to smile. "It was only two nights, Linds. Not enough for you to look like this. Can't fool me, ya know?"
Lindsey looked a little embarrassed. He closed his eyes, rubbed the bridge of his nose and huffed out a small laugh. "No, really. I have a shitty headache, that's all." He flashed Eliot a bigger smile that would have convinced everyone else, but not Eliot.
He took a step back and narrowed his eyes even more. "Something gone wrong on the job?"
Lindsey huffed. "It's nothing, Eliot. Sheesh, I have a headache and didn't sleep well, what's the big deal?" His voice sounded impatient and a little annoyed, but the look he gave Eliot now was more pleading. "I don't wanna... can we just..." He sighed and rubbed his temples. "Let's go to bed, okay? 'M really tired. Please?"
Eliot stared at him. He felt a flare of anger rising and tried to keep it down. You're not convincing, Lindsey. What are you keepin' from me? What the fuck is going on? A few unpleasant scenarios flashed through his mind until he shook them off. It's probably nothing, a reasonable sounding voice in his head said. Maybe he just had a stupid fight with Parker and doesn't wanna tell. He snorted at himself with disdain. Sure. Bullshit. That's exactly what he would tell me. It's about me, about us, something's wrong and he doesn't...
He looked at Lindsey and his face hardened. "Gonna go to the training room. Need some exercise after all the hours in the train. Don't wait." He abruptly turned around and strode to the door. He could hear a small choked sound behind him, but didn't turn back. As he closed the door behind him, he wondered briefly how such a small thing could cause his stomach to turn.
***
He felt a little better after mercilessly beating the sandbag for half an hour. A little better and a little guilty. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe it's really just... He looked up and found Nate standing in the doorway, watching him curiously. He wiped his face with a towel and slowly walked towards the other man. "Nate. Don't say you slept here and I woke you."
Nathan grinned and shook his head. "Nope. We just came home and I saw the lights on our way. Although..." He tilted his head and gave Eliot a questioning look. "I expected you to be home by now."
Eliot looked away and said nothing. Nathan sighed. "He was edgy the whole day, asked at least three times if your train was on time. But it's not about you, Eliot."
Eliot's head whipped around and he gave Nathan a sharp look. "You and your mind reading. Creepy, Nate, really!"
Nathan chuckled. "You know, it wasn't that hard. You have a particular scowl when you've had an argument with Lindsey." He grew serious again. "Anything you wanna talk about?"
Eliot sighed and shook his head. "No. Not with you, anyway. Not this time." He looked up and gave Nathan a quick smile. "Gonna go now. See ya tomorrow."
***
He quietly closed the bedroom door behind him. "Linds?" he asked softly, but got no answer. He carefully slid under the sheets next to his partner and waited for some reaction, but none came. He narrowed his eyes at the sound of Lindsey's even breathing. You don't sleep. You just pretend. He tried again, a little louder this time. "Linds?" Still nothing. His anger flared up again. You usually stir at the slightest sound of my voice, Lindsey. You wanna ignore me? Fine. But at least pretend better. He huffed out an annoyed sound. "Fine. Have it your way." With that, he turned to face the door as usual, but without seeking body contact this time.
About an hour later he was woken up by a frightened whimpering noise next to him. He blinked and turned around as he felt Lindsey start to twitch. He pushed himself upright a bit. "Linds?" He stretched out his hand and shook Lindsey's shoulder gently. Lindsey made a desperate noise but didn't wake up. He muttered fragments of sentences that Eliot couldn't understand at first, but then it got clearer.
"No, please don't. Don't shoot. Please, I..."
Eliot stared down at Lindsey's face that was twisted with fear and pain. He frowned with confusion. Shoot...? And the his brain made the connection. He cursed under his breath. Fuck. I'm so stupid. He leaned forward and shook Lindsey a little harder this time. "Linds. Linds, wake up."
Lindsey's eyes flew open. He gasped for air and struggled frantically to get out of the bed, clearly not realizing where he was. Eliot wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him back. "Linds. Relax, baby, relax. Was just a dream. You're safe. You're safe." He cradled Lindsey's nape with his free hand, softly stroking his skin and continued to murmur reassuring words. After endless moments Lindsey's gaze cleared and he stopped struggling, but was breathing so hard and fast that he was unable to speak for a moment.
Eliot shifted into a more comfortable sitting position and leaned back against the headboard. He pulled Lindsey gently closer and with a small almost-sob the other man sagged against him, burying his face against his chest.
"Couldn't move. He was there, laughed. Said I deserved nothing else. Had the gun, and I... I couldn't move!" Lindsey's voice was hoarse as if he had been screaming in his sleep, and he choked the words out while he tried to regain his normal breathing.
Eliot closed his eyes and just held him, mentally kicking himself for forgetting this. Finally he spoke in a low soft voice. "It's a year now, isn't it?" He felt Lindsey nodding and slowly released his breath. Memories poured in. A messy room, covered with body pieces and demon blood. Hardison whispering "You sure he needs our help? He seems to handle himself very well!" A green demon with red horns, looking sick and uncomfortable, saying "It's not about what I think". The raised gun, aimed at Lindsey. Himself, vaulting in at the last second.
How could I forget? His hand rubbed slow soothing circles across Lindsey's back and he could feel him slowly relaxing. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I forgot. Should've been here."
Lindsey shifted a bit in his hold and tilted his head upwards to look at him. A small smile appeared on his face. "See? That's exactly why I didn't say anything." His voice was a bit more steady now. "Knew you'd feel guilty, and that's..." He trailed off and shook his head. "Y'know what the funny thing is?" He pushed himself more upright so he could look at Eliot directly. "I forgot it too. The date, I mean. You were outta the door just a few hours, I picked up a magazine. And bang, there it was. An article about L.A., about how everyone screamed 'Apocalypse' a year ago and how strange it was that it ended so suddenly." Lindsey shuddered and had to swallow twice before he could continue. "That's when it struck me. That... I should've died a year ago."
Eliot said nothing, but his stomach clenched at the thought. He reached out and pulled Lindsey closer again. Lindsey let himself drop against Eliot's chest, closing his eyes. "Thought I was over it," he said quietly. "I feel so stupid. Hell, I haven't had any nightmares for months now. I mean, it's all over. Don't have anything to be afraid of anymore. An' one stupid article..."
Eliot chuckled humorlessly. "Nightmares don't work that way, Linds. Know a thing or two 'bout them, remember?" He slowly started stroking Lindsey's back again, just running his fingertips up and down, calming, soothing. "No need to feel like an idiot, ya know?"
Lindsey snorted out a laugh. "Still do. But thanks." He looked up, smile fading to something serious. "Are we good?"
"Yes." It was a sincere answer, and Eliot could see the relief washing over Lindsey's face.
"I'm sorry." They both said it at the same time, which made Eliot grin and Lindsey huff out a laugh. Eliot cupped Lindsey's face. "Just... don' try to tell me it's nothin' when I can see that it ain't true. Makes me... think, an' that ain't always good." He crinkled his nose and Lindsey had to laugh.
"Guess not. I'll remember that."
His laugh changed to a yawn and Eliot brushed his thumb over Lindsey's cheek. "Think you can sleep now?"
Eyes already falling closed, Lindsey nodded. Eliot shifted from sitting to lying on his back, wrapped an arm around Lindsey's shoulder and pulled him close. Lindsey didn't protest. Eliot watched him curl up against him, felt him finally relaxing a bit except for Lindsey's arm wrapped around Eliot's torso, clinging just a little too desperately. And he looked so young and vulnerable at this moment that Eliot's anger flared up again, this time pointing direction Los Angeles. I swear, if I ever see this fuckin' vampire... ex-vampire again, I'll break his nose. Again. And probably a few more bones, just for good measure. He didn't realize that he had said it aloud until he felt Lindsey move, looking up at him and he saw that particular kind of amazed smile on Lindsey's face that was reserved solely for moments like this. Moments when Eliot, accidentally or not, let his affection show.
"I might take that offer, y'know? A few more night like the last two an' I'm seriously considering it."
Lindsey's voice was soft, quiet and completely earnest. Eliot studied his face, saw the tiny traces of self-loathing and the still-lingering fear and suddenly understood. You still think I'm gonna leave you, right? Not just today, always. You still think that you somehow don't deserve this. Don't deserve to be... to have someone, even someone as fucked up as me. That's why you always touch. Why you use me as a pillow in the middle of the night. You make sure that I'm still there, that I didn't run, right? You don't even realize it, but that's what it is. He smiled, feeling a little foolish that he never saw this before. And now there was a really easy way to give Lindsey some reassurance. And no real reason anymore not to use it. Okay, Eliot. Your turn. I hope I read him right.
That smile was still on Lindsey's face, now mixed with a questioning look. Eliot took a deep breath. "That was..." He hesitated only the tiniest bit and then looked straight into Lindsey's eyes. "That was me telling you that I love you."
He saw Lindsey's eyes widen with astonishment, heard the small surprised gasp and closed his eyes, waiting for a reaction. His jaw clenched and the fingers of his free hand tightened around the edge of the sheets. If he starts to laugh now, I'm outta here. After a few moments he heard Lindsey releasing his breath and felt a tremble running through his body. Eliot could hear him whisper something under his breath that sounded like 'redemption'. He opened his eyes again. Lindsey was still staring at him, his face a mixture of astonishment and slowly dawning joy. The tightly wound knot in Eliot's stomach began to loosen, and then Lindsey reached out, cupped his face and pulled him closer to press a tender kiss to his lips.
"That was me, same words. Right back at ya." Lindsey's voice was shaky, but his face had lit up as he pulled back. Eliot blinked and finally remembered to breathe again. He couldn't help but grin. It felt like he had finally thrown off a weight that he hadn't realized he'd been carrying. Now, that went okay. Huh. He leaned forward to kiss Lindsey again, just a soft brush of lips to reassure himself that it had been real, and also because he had no idea what to say right now.
Lindsey pushed himself upright a bit after Eliot had finally pulled back. He tilted his head and frowned a bit, looking curious. "You looked like you wanted to jump outta the bed and run."
It wasn't a question. Eliot looked away. His first reflex was to brush off the words with a gruff remark, but he bit his tongue. Might as well go all the way, while I'm at it. He searched for the right words. "Those words... when I say'm..." He turned his head to look at Lindsey again. "It never goes well. People... get hurt. I hurt them. An' they disappear." He huffed out a resigned laugh. "Me and relationships. You know that one."
Lindsey nodded slowly. "Yeah. We talked about it. Well, I can't promise you that I ain't gonna get hurt some time." He gave Eliot a quick grin. "Goes with the job, right? But..." His smile faded again to something very earnest. "I won't disappear. Promise."
Eliot's breath caught in his throat at the honesty he could hear in those words. He met Lindsey's gaze. "Sounds... good to me." His voice was hoarse and the words seemed insufficient to him, but judging by the smile on Lindsey's face they were enough.
"As for you hurting me..." Lindsey tilted his head and smirked. "I'm just gonna kick your ass if that happens."
Eliot smiled inwardly, the awkwardness lifting a little. He had felt weird, opening himself up like that, and he was sure that Lindsey sensed that. Eliot snorted and raised his eyebrows. "You. Kick my ass." He smirked. "In your dreams, baby."
Lindsey grinned and swatted Eliot's shoulder playfully. "Ain't gonna succeed, maybe. Still gonna try? You bet."
Eliot huffed and then grinned. "Right. Deal, then." He fell silent for a moment, slowly shaking his head as if he still couldn't believe what just had happened. And then had to laugh as Lindsey desperately tried to stifle a big yawn. He patted Lindsey's shoulder. "C'mon. Let's try an' get some sleep for real now. We both could use it."
Lindsey just nodded sleepily, eyes already half closed. He curled up against Eliot again, but the tight desperate grasp was almost gone. Eliot softly ran his fingertips over Lindsey's back in the same soothing pace he'd used before. He could feel Lindsey's breathing even out and his body relaxing. As he was sure that Lindsey was finally asleep, he pressed a kiss to his temple and finally allowed himself to drift into sleep as well.
Author: elebridith
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Eliot Spencer/Lindsey McDonald
Universe: my Face Value!Verse, a Leverage/Angel crossover
Wordcount: 2710
Summary: Nightmares, misunderstandings and confessions
Disclaimer:Not mine, nope, nothing. just playing
A/N: Beta'd by havenward . Part of a verse, they are together now for ten months.
Eliot closed the door behind him, dropped his bag on the floor and exhaled forcefully. Home. Finally. Note to self: never use that hotel again. Another two days in that bed and I'd need a new spine. He moved to the living room, a little surprised that Lindsey hadn't called out to him by now. He stopped as he saw him standing by the window, looking outside. He frowned. "Linds?"
Lindsey actually startled at the sound, but his face lit up as he turned around. "Hey. Sorry, I was... ah, doesn't matter now." He cupped Eliot's face and kissed him softly. Eliot returned the kiss, but looked concerned as he pulled back from it. "Anything wrong?" He studied Lindsey's face and now noticed the small telltale signs - dark shadows under his eyes and fine lines around eyes and mouth that screamed sleep deprivation. Eliot snorted as Lindsey just shook his head. "Bullshit. I can see it, Linds. What's goin' on?"
Lindsey shook his head again, but avoided his eyes. "Nothin'. Really, it's okay. I'm just... tired. Didn't sleep well." He gave Eliot a small smile. "Never can, when you're gone."
Eliot narrowed his eyes. He was tired himself, a little stiff from hours on the train, but even in this state he could pick up that Lindsey wasn't exactly telling the truth. There had been a little wavering in his voice, a little too much force on the "nothin'", one flicker in his eyes too many. He stepped back and tilted his head. "That's not it." He tried to keep his irritation out of his voice and forced himself to smile. "It was only two nights, Linds. Not enough for you to look like this. Can't fool me, ya know?"
Lindsey looked a little embarrassed. He closed his eyes, rubbed the bridge of his nose and huffed out a small laugh. "No, really. I have a shitty headache, that's all." He flashed Eliot a bigger smile that would have convinced everyone else, but not Eliot.
He took a step back and narrowed his eyes even more. "Something gone wrong on the job?"
Lindsey huffed. "It's nothing, Eliot. Sheesh, I have a headache and didn't sleep well, what's the big deal?" His voice sounded impatient and a little annoyed, but the look he gave Eliot now was more pleading. "I don't wanna... can we just..." He sighed and rubbed his temples. "Let's go to bed, okay? 'M really tired. Please?"
Eliot stared at him. He felt a flare of anger rising and tried to keep it down. You're not convincing, Lindsey. What are you keepin' from me? What the fuck is going on? A few unpleasant scenarios flashed through his mind until he shook them off. It's probably nothing, a reasonable sounding voice in his head said. Maybe he just had a stupid fight with Parker and doesn't wanna tell. He snorted at himself with disdain. Sure. Bullshit. That's exactly what he would tell me. It's about me, about us, something's wrong and he doesn't...
He looked at Lindsey and his face hardened. "Gonna go to the training room. Need some exercise after all the hours in the train. Don't wait." He abruptly turned around and strode to the door. He could hear a small choked sound behind him, but didn't turn back. As he closed the door behind him, he wondered briefly how such a small thing could cause his stomach to turn.
***
He felt a little better after mercilessly beating the sandbag for half an hour. A little better and a little guilty. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe it's really just... He looked up and found Nate standing in the doorway, watching him curiously. He wiped his face with a towel and slowly walked towards the other man. "Nate. Don't say you slept here and I woke you."
Nathan grinned and shook his head. "Nope. We just came home and I saw the lights on our way. Although..." He tilted his head and gave Eliot a questioning look. "I expected you to be home by now."
Eliot looked away and said nothing. Nathan sighed. "He was edgy the whole day, asked at least three times if your train was on time. But it's not about you, Eliot."
Eliot's head whipped around and he gave Nathan a sharp look. "You and your mind reading. Creepy, Nate, really!"
Nathan chuckled. "You know, it wasn't that hard. You have a particular scowl when you've had an argument with Lindsey." He grew serious again. "Anything you wanna talk about?"
Eliot sighed and shook his head. "No. Not with you, anyway. Not this time." He looked up and gave Nathan a quick smile. "Gonna go now. See ya tomorrow."
***
He quietly closed the bedroom door behind him. "Linds?" he asked softly, but got no answer. He carefully slid under the sheets next to his partner and waited for some reaction, but none came. He narrowed his eyes at the sound of Lindsey's even breathing. You don't sleep. You just pretend. He tried again, a little louder this time. "Linds?" Still nothing. His anger flared up again. You usually stir at the slightest sound of my voice, Lindsey. You wanna ignore me? Fine. But at least pretend better. He huffed out an annoyed sound. "Fine. Have it your way." With that, he turned to face the door as usual, but without seeking body contact this time.
About an hour later he was woken up by a frightened whimpering noise next to him. He blinked and turned around as he felt Lindsey start to twitch. He pushed himself upright a bit. "Linds?" He stretched out his hand and shook Lindsey's shoulder gently. Lindsey made a desperate noise but didn't wake up. He muttered fragments of sentences that Eliot couldn't understand at first, but then it got clearer.
"No, please don't. Don't shoot. Please, I..."
Eliot stared down at Lindsey's face that was twisted with fear and pain. He frowned with confusion. Shoot...? And the his brain made the connection. He cursed under his breath. Fuck. I'm so stupid. He leaned forward and shook Lindsey a little harder this time. "Linds. Linds, wake up."
Lindsey's eyes flew open. He gasped for air and struggled frantically to get out of the bed, clearly not realizing where he was. Eliot wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him back. "Linds. Relax, baby, relax. Was just a dream. You're safe. You're safe." He cradled Lindsey's nape with his free hand, softly stroking his skin and continued to murmur reassuring words. After endless moments Lindsey's gaze cleared and he stopped struggling, but was breathing so hard and fast that he was unable to speak for a moment.
Eliot shifted into a more comfortable sitting position and leaned back against the headboard. He pulled Lindsey gently closer and with a small almost-sob the other man sagged against him, burying his face against his chest.
"Couldn't move. He was there, laughed. Said I deserved nothing else. Had the gun, and I... I couldn't move!" Lindsey's voice was hoarse as if he had been screaming in his sleep, and he choked the words out while he tried to regain his normal breathing.
Eliot closed his eyes and just held him, mentally kicking himself for forgetting this. Finally he spoke in a low soft voice. "It's a year now, isn't it?" He felt Lindsey nodding and slowly released his breath. Memories poured in. A messy room, covered with body pieces and demon blood. Hardison whispering "You sure he needs our help? He seems to handle himself very well!" A green demon with red horns, looking sick and uncomfortable, saying "It's not about what I think". The raised gun, aimed at Lindsey. Himself, vaulting in at the last second.
How could I forget? His hand rubbed slow soothing circles across Lindsey's back and he could feel him slowly relaxing. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I forgot. Should've been here."
Lindsey shifted a bit in his hold and tilted his head upwards to look at him. A small smile appeared on his face. "See? That's exactly why I didn't say anything." His voice was a bit more steady now. "Knew you'd feel guilty, and that's..." He trailed off and shook his head. "Y'know what the funny thing is?" He pushed himself more upright so he could look at Eliot directly. "I forgot it too. The date, I mean. You were outta the door just a few hours, I picked up a magazine. And bang, there it was. An article about L.A., about how everyone screamed 'Apocalypse' a year ago and how strange it was that it ended so suddenly." Lindsey shuddered and had to swallow twice before he could continue. "That's when it struck me. That... I should've died a year ago."
Eliot said nothing, but his stomach clenched at the thought. He reached out and pulled Lindsey closer again. Lindsey let himself drop against Eliot's chest, closing his eyes. "Thought I was over it," he said quietly. "I feel so stupid. Hell, I haven't had any nightmares for months now. I mean, it's all over. Don't have anything to be afraid of anymore. An' one stupid article..."
Eliot chuckled humorlessly. "Nightmares don't work that way, Linds. Know a thing or two 'bout them, remember?" He slowly started stroking Lindsey's back again, just running his fingertips up and down, calming, soothing. "No need to feel like an idiot, ya know?"
Lindsey snorted out a laugh. "Still do. But thanks." He looked up, smile fading to something serious. "Are we good?"
"Yes." It was a sincere answer, and Eliot could see the relief washing over Lindsey's face.
"I'm sorry." They both said it at the same time, which made Eliot grin and Lindsey huff out a laugh. Eliot cupped Lindsey's face. "Just... don' try to tell me it's nothin' when I can see that it ain't true. Makes me... think, an' that ain't always good." He crinkled his nose and Lindsey had to laugh.
"Guess not. I'll remember that."
His laugh changed to a yawn and Eliot brushed his thumb over Lindsey's cheek. "Think you can sleep now?"
Eyes already falling closed, Lindsey nodded. Eliot shifted from sitting to lying on his back, wrapped an arm around Lindsey's shoulder and pulled him close. Lindsey didn't protest. Eliot watched him curl up against him, felt him finally relaxing a bit except for Lindsey's arm wrapped around Eliot's torso, clinging just a little too desperately. And he looked so young and vulnerable at this moment that Eliot's anger flared up again, this time pointing direction Los Angeles. I swear, if I ever see this fuckin' vampire... ex-vampire again, I'll break his nose. Again. And probably a few more bones, just for good measure. He didn't realize that he had said it aloud until he felt Lindsey move, looking up at him and he saw that particular kind of amazed smile on Lindsey's face that was reserved solely for moments like this. Moments when Eliot, accidentally or not, let his affection show.
"I might take that offer, y'know? A few more night like the last two an' I'm seriously considering it."
Lindsey's voice was soft, quiet and completely earnest. Eliot studied his face, saw the tiny traces of self-loathing and the still-lingering fear and suddenly understood. You still think I'm gonna leave you, right? Not just today, always. You still think that you somehow don't deserve this. Don't deserve to be... to have someone, even someone as fucked up as me. That's why you always touch. Why you use me as a pillow in the middle of the night. You make sure that I'm still there, that I didn't run, right? You don't even realize it, but that's what it is. He smiled, feeling a little foolish that he never saw this before. And now there was a really easy way to give Lindsey some reassurance. And no real reason anymore not to use it. Okay, Eliot. Your turn. I hope I read him right.
That smile was still on Lindsey's face, now mixed with a questioning look. Eliot took a deep breath. "That was..." He hesitated only the tiniest bit and then looked straight into Lindsey's eyes. "That was me telling you that I love you."
He saw Lindsey's eyes widen with astonishment, heard the small surprised gasp and closed his eyes, waiting for a reaction. His jaw clenched and the fingers of his free hand tightened around the edge of the sheets. If he starts to laugh now, I'm outta here. After a few moments he heard Lindsey releasing his breath and felt a tremble running through his body. Eliot could hear him whisper something under his breath that sounded like 'redemption'. He opened his eyes again. Lindsey was still staring at him, his face a mixture of astonishment and slowly dawning joy. The tightly wound knot in Eliot's stomach began to loosen, and then Lindsey reached out, cupped his face and pulled him closer to press a tender kiss to his lips.
"That was me, same words. Right back at ya." Lindsey's voice was shaky, but his face had lit up as he pulled back. Eliot blinked and finally remembered to breathe again. He couldn't help but grin. It felt like he had finally thrown off a weight that he hadn't realized he'd been carrying. Now, that went okay. Huh. He leaned forward to kiss Lindsey again, just a soft brush of lips to reassure himself that it had been real, and also because he had no idea what to say right now.
Lindsey pushed himself upright a bit after Eliot had finally pulled back. He tilted his head and frowned a bit, looking curious. "You looked like you wanted to jump outta the bed and run."
It wasn't a question. Eliot looked away. His first reflex was to brush off the words with a gruff remark, but he bit his tongue. Might as well go all the way, while I'm at it. He searched for the right words. "Those words... when I say'm..." He turned his head to look at Lindsey again. "It never goes well. People... get hurt. I hurt them. An' they disappear." He huffed out a resigned laugh. "Me and relationships. You know that one."
Lindsey nodded slowly. "Yeah. We talked about it. Well, I can't promise you that I ain't gonna get hurt some time." He gave Eliot a quick grin. "Goes with the job, right? But..." His smile faded again to something very earnest. "I won't disappear. Promise."
Eliot's breath caught in his throat at the honesty he could hear in those words. He met Lindsey's gaze. "Sounds... good to me." His voice was hoarse and the words seemed insufficient to him, but judging by the smile on Lindsey's face they were enough.
"As for you hurting me..." Lindsey tilted his head and smirked. "I'm just gonna kick your ass if that happens."
Eliot smiled inwardly, the awkwardness lifting a little. He had felt weird, opening himself up like that, and he was sure that Lindsey sensed that. Eliot snorted and raised his eyebrows. "You. Kick my ass." He smirked. "In your dreams, baby."
Lindsey grinned and swatted Eliot's shoulder playfully. "Ain't gonna succeed, maybe. Still gonna try? You bet."
Eliot huffed and then grinned. "Right. Deal, then." He fell silent for a moment, slowly shaking his head as if he still couldn't believe what just had happened. And then had to laugh as Lindsey desperately tried to stifle a big yawn. He patted Lindsey's shoulder. "C'mon. Let's try an' get some sleep for real now. We both could use it."
Lindsey just nodded sleepily, eyes already half closed. He curled up against Eliot again, but the tight desperate grasp was almost gone. Eliot softly ran his fingertips over Lindsey's back in the same soothing pace he'd used before. He could feel Lindsey's breathing even out and his body relaxing. As he was sure that Lindsey was finally asleep, he pressed a kiss to his temple and finally allowed himself to drift into sleep as well.