Fic: How do I love thee? Part One
How do I love thee?
I like that old-fashioned word.
Thee means you and you only,
You singular - the thing that you are.
Singular, rare, unique,
One perfect meld of life and hope and light and beginning.
In my dreams, I trace the line of your hip with my hand.
You smile at me
And I can see the Earth in your eyes.
We work around and with each other.
I see everything that you do, even when I’m not looking.
I watch the curve of your mouth as you talk on the phone -
Your lips would be soft and tempting, I think.
Your hands would fist in my hair as I pull your body flush against mine,
Not caring who sees us.
We’ve kissed before, and almost kissed - shining moments threaded into our lives so far - and I remember every detail. I want to remember.
You don’t, or don’t want to, but maybe I’ll tell you some day. Maybe when you give me your heart to keep.
I can hear your breathing pick up and I know you’re about to get my attention.
“Smallville!” you say.
I look up: can you see the hope in my eyes? Is it me you want?
“I got another story - the Blur saved three people from a burning building downtown.”
Oh. Him.
I nod and pretend to smile. You don’t notice.
It’s him you want,
Not me.
I push Clark back into the box of my dreams.
I refer to myself in the third person a lot.
You would laugh, if you knew about that.
My alter-ego, my other self, is a hero
To the city and to you.
When I’m him I feel free,
I can do anything -
No longer constrained by fear or uncertainty.
My heart races as I call your phone at the Planet.
Did you know that your number is top of my speed dial?
You reach out to me
And anchor me here, unable to leave.
For a long moment I am part of humanity,
Part of you.
Wherever I am in the city, I know where you are:
I am drawn to you like a parched man to water.
I stretch my hearing
And listen to the steady beat of your heart,
Your gentle breathing as you sleep.
What do you dream of at night?
I dream of you. Always.
You own my heart and soul.
I think you would sleep just as well if I was there -
My arms wrapped around you,
My face buried in your hair,
Breathing in the life that rolls off you in waves
Filling me up and washing me away into a future found next to you.
I hear a cry for help -
I set off into the night and leave you to your dreams.
I may not be from Earth, but I am a man.
At night you are here beside me:
Drenched in sweat, we learn the dips and curves of each other’s bodies.
You call my name as though your life depended on it.
In this moment, I find something I have looked for my whole life:
The man I want to be, the man you make me.
In the morning
I wake alone.
Who am I now?
I know every fleck of gold in your eyes -
I know them better than the stars I used to study.
I know all your smiles:
Do you have one just for me, I wonder?
If I told you I loved you
What would you say?
You might avoid it or wave it away indifferently -
Sorry but you don’t feel the same way.
Maybe you’ll bring up the spectre of ‘just friends’.
I can’t not love you,
I need you like I need air,
So I’ll take what I can get, for now.
Just once I wish you would tell me “I love you”.
I think I could fly if you said that.
I know what kind of morning you’ve had
By the way you walk into the office,
What style your hair is in,
How quick you are to steal my coffee.
Did you ever notice that I make it the way you like it?
Even then, I am here for you.
Every look or touch or moment between us -
No matter how fleeting -
I store the memory away in a special place marked ‘Lois’.
Later I will take it out and replay it over and over:
You won’t remember,
But I will
Always.
How do I love thee?
Forever, my heart.